I’ve made a mistake...

[mina21]

There was a guy I use to hang out with over 10 years ago that we sort of rekindled our friendship the past year. I now in a different city so it was a long distance thing. I had a thing for him in the past but we were more FWB at that time even though I wanted more. Anyways for the past year there was a lot of flirting and talking over messenger and considered him a good friend. We recently met up on a trip back home where things got intimate and we didn’t use protection, he pulled out. We had an amazing weekend hanging out and things seemed to be moving in a more serious direction.

 

However, the week before my trip I had a physical and asked for std testing like I have been the last few years. Well my last test was 2016. Turns out I found out the morning I was leaving I had Chlamydia. I was in shock because I had no symptoms or thought anything was wrong. I had a short fling with a friend over a year ago and must of caught it from him. These were the only two guys I’ve slept with in the last decade.

 

So of course I had to tell both of them and I did via a text that evening when I knew they were off from work. I was too chicken to call. The guy who I caught it from didn’t know and thanked me for telling him and apologized. We are still friends

 

The LD guy I just visited just said he thought it was better that he didn’t respond at the time. I could tell he was pissed so I thought I’d give him a day to think about it. Then two days later blocked me on messenger and Facebook . I texted him and he said he was pissed at me and was done and that having an std was ****ed up and he’s never had one before

 

It’s been 3 weeks and he’s still not talking to me. I don’t even know if he caught it. I’ve sent him a few messages trying to apologize and explain I didn’t know or do this on purpose. He hasn’t responded much and it was usually just to twist my words around. I’ve definitely learned my lesson and have read up on all STIs now. But I’ve been a mess these last few weeks.

 

I went from such a high that weekend to feeling like complete crap. I cry every day wishing I could change it. I feel like I was falling in love with this guy and now he’s written me off so easily. I’m like beyond heartbroken and pissed at the same time. He’s also bipolar and seemed to have issues opening up to people and he was very open with me this year and he trusted me. But I know he recently had a disagreement with his mother and stopped talking to her.

 

I keep trying to think of what I can do to get him to change his mind or at least talk to me. I know I should just let him go but it’s so hard as I still want to be there for him at the same time. I’m just in so much pain over this. My therapist and one friend I confided in about it both say to stop contacting him and move on. I’m hoping with time this gets easier because these last few weeks have been torture.

 

Just looking for others words of wisdom on how I can move forward with LD guy. Right now I’m driving myself crazy.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mina21, relax. You dodged a bullet which is indicated by this guy's extreme reaction. He should have been thanking you for contacting him to let him know even if he didn't want to see you again.

[d0nnivain]

You can't move forward with the LD guy. You can only move forward without him. Although chlamydia is easily treatable he's blaming you for what was his mistake too. He could have insisted on a condom for his own protection. You both learned a lesson about unprotected sex. Unfortunately he sees this mistake as unpardonable.

 

 

He was never really your friend. You were a fun roll in the hay. Try to remember that your feelings of like & longing weren't returned. I'm sorry.

[mina21]

Thanks for the responses. I needed the tough love lol. I think his response is also making it hard to forgive myself as well. But I have to figure out a way to move on. Luckily it was easily curable, must be super careful going forward. Just way too many emotions to deal with in a month. I also have issues with depression and anxiety so I think that’s also making it tougher.

 

I also need to work on my self esteem as well. I always seem to be falling for guys that only give me crumbs and I become obsessed. I don’t want to feel this way ever again, it’s awful. This situation seems to be bringing up feelings of all the other times I’ve had my heart broken. So I realize I need to work on myself before moving on to any other relationship.

 

But I probably did dodge a bullet. He had a million other red flags. I just hate how this ended though. I felt like he trusted me and was letting me in and then I let him down. He also was pissed I was with someone else even though it was over a year ago and we never really talked about if either of us were seeing anyone else which isn’t fair. None of his response seems fair but it is what it is.

 

I have to remain strong and not contact him again and work on myself. So tough though.

[d0nnivain]

You do need to forgive yourself. You didn't do it on purpose. You didn't know either.

 

Hang in there. But do be strong about not contacting him.

[lana-banana]

You had a totally curable, very common, very harmless (in the early stages at least) STI and this guy was a baby about it. Like you said, that's just one of many red flags. 50% of people will have STIs in their lifetime and the vast majority of them won't even know it.

 

This is why it's a good idea to get testing at regular 3-month intervals when you're not in a serious relationship, or to have testing six weeks after you sleep with a new person if you aren't having sex frequently. (If you're in a stable relationship you can cut back to testing every 6-12 months.) Always have the testing talk with new partners before you have sex. I know it sounds gross but mature men won't be bothered by it; some will even be relieved. Anybody who shames you or who acts irresponsible with their health isn't worth your time. This guy sounds like a total tool. If this is how he reacts to something so basic, would you really want him as your partner for a major life emergency?

 

The stigma and stress of STIs is the worst part. Funny story: I had a HSV2 scare with my now-husband when we first started dating. Yes, just a week after we first slept together my ex called and was like "do you have HSV2? Because I just slept with a new girl and..." The emotional wreckage of that 72 hours when I was afraid I had herpes, my now-husband thought he might, and I was terrified that I was going to ruin the love of my life, was way worse than any actual diagnosis. You know what happened? He decided genital herpes was worth being with me, but all of us got tested and we all came back negative including the new girl, and the entire thing ended up being a massive joke. Even now my husband will ask me "is this as bad as the time you thought you gave me herpes?"

[mina21]

yeah i actually told him that fact about the 50% in one of my responses and he just threw it back in my face saying that he thought it was sad that I thought since 50% of people have STDs it must be ok. That was his last response to me too. Which was totally missing the point. That’s when my therapist started calling him emotionally abusive.

 

Ugh… I guess I’m still just in shock and hurt with his reaction. I figured he may be a little taken aback at first, I know I was. He hasn’t even told me if he got tested. I can only assume that he did and has it got based on his responses. i think my last message to him a few days ago told him I was part heartbroken and missing him while the other part was pissed at him for being so uncaring and rude. And asking how can you give up on someone so easily. Which I’ve felt bad about but now not so much. I’ll leave that as my last response to him. I know he’s made some mistakes in his life and he’s always preaching about how you can’t let mistakes define your future, etc. That’s one reason he stopped taking to his mom because basically she acted concerned about him due to some past mistakes he’s made. He’s acting like this was something I did on purpose, which it is sooo not the case. And if he’s had unprotected sex with me I know I can’t be the only one.

 

But I guess the one good thing that has come out of this is that i’ve definitely learned my lesson and will def get tested more often once I start dating again. I think my friend who I got it from learned his lesson as well. He’s also told me LD guy is being a jerk about the whole thing. You can catch stuff even using condoms at this point, it’s a little scary. I think I’ve read all the articles on the internet lol. I kept thinking what if they made a mistake and I caught something else as well or what it shows up down the line. Dr told me to get testing in another 3 months especially if being sexually active. I’m not currently and think that’ll take some time but I’m def getting testing again next month just to make sure it’s done and that’s it.

 

Yeah i think there is def a stigma around STIs, I can feel it especially now having gone through it. Now I’m super sensitive if anyone makes a joke about it. Yikes they didn’t even tested me for Herpes at the time, as they said the test comes up as a false positive a lot and I had no symptoms. Everything else they did. Maybe I’ll add that to my next test just to be sure. But yeah I figured he may be a little weirded out at first and would eventually get over it but it’s looking like that’s not the case. Heartbreaking but it is what it is. I need to get this out of my thoughts and move on.

[bathtub-row]

I have to admit that this kind of news from someone I had sex with would unnerve me quite a bit. I’m not sure I’d be rude about it but it would shake me up.

[stillafool]

That guy feels like you are sleeping around with men and not using condoms with anyone so it grossed him out. Let that one go and be glad he blocked you. Do not ever have sex without a condom until you are in a committed relationship. You dodged a bullet in that you caught an STD that is curable and you found out about it. The next time you may not be so lucky. He's also pissed because now he has to tell the other girl/girls they may be infected.

Edited September 17, 2018 by stillafool

[Orokotikki]

I am a little confused OP, in your first post it sounds like you were tested and found to be infected before the weekend where you recently had sex with him? Is that accurate and is this how it was explained to him?

 

Maybe he would be particularly upset that you knew (or he thinks you knew) you were infected and had sex with him anyway w/o protection?

[d0nnivain]

I am a little confused OP, in your first post it sounds like you were tested and found to be infected before the weekend where you recently had sex with him? Is that accurate and is this how it was explained to him?

 

 

That is true. If you knew you had the condition before you slept with him then your conduct is inexcusable. I mistakenly thought you found afterwards.

[mina21]

I got tested prior to the vacation but didn't get the results until that Tuesday morning I was leaving and after we spent the weekend together. I told everyone the same day. Looking back I probably should of waited before sleeping with him or at least made sure he wore a condom but I really didn’t think there was anything wrong and I got swept away in it all.

 

But I definitely didn’t know prior. I’ve slept with 2 men in the last 10 years, I’m not exactly sleeping around. But it only takes one time.

 

I wish there was something I could tell him to change his mind but I know there isn’t, the last thing I want him to think is that I’m gross or meant to hurt him. And I’m so heartbroken things ended this way, it’s consuming all my thoughts.

[mina21]

Just to clarify I didn't know of the condition prior. I found out that Tuesday from the dr via email after the weekend was over.

[d0nnivain]

Then you are back in the clear. His failure to accept your sincere apology is on him.

[Orokotikki]

Thank you for clarifying Mina. It is an unfortunate situation. It sounds to me like he is trying to control a knee jerk reaction on his part. But I do agree I would think it best to move on and let this R go.

 

There is an unfortunately a strong stigma regarding STI's and he likely does think bad things, perhaps in time he will reflect on your maturity, consideration, and forthrightness in telling him - but that's on him, not on you.

[mina21]

Thanks Orokotikki - I really hope so. I'd hate this to be how the entire friendship ends but only time will tell.

This all just sucks. Hopefully in time it'll get easier.