Thinking of breaking NC after being ghosted

[Thamary Scott]

Well my A started at work with exMM who pursued me relentlessly and treated me absolutely good. H was working out of state and he was not really communicating and attentive. I never went looking for an A and was absolutely livid when I got into it and I was always discarding AP at first. The first six months or so were absolutely gorgeous as he is MM but staying in my state and his family in another state. So there was so much time to bond talk, laugh and share so much about our lives. He seemed my soul mate understood me, cooked for me and it was an all-consuming friendship/ PA which took up a lot of my time. He used to tell me that he loves me but I wouldn’t reply because I was sceptic. Used to spoil me with goodies etc. I did not expect him to leave his wife though.

 

 

Towards the other half of the year he started treating me not so good. We worked together but he would sometimes ghost me for days and then come back. Or he would discard me only to reach out after some days. I changed jobs mainly due to this issue and I thought the A would naturally fade. Despite changing jobs I found it difficult to let go. We were in contact but would meet up once or twice a week. The contact though was intermittent i.e. no everyday texts/calls. During this period he discarded me in the most cruel way and he told me he never loved me. Never liked me even. Told me that the whole A was rubbish to him. He told me he never pursued me and a lot of horrible things not for these Boards. I left his place and went NC.

 

 

 

He then called several days after wanting a favour and I was naïve enough to reply. It was always his excuse to reach out whenever he knew he messed up. He then went out of state to visit his fam and I maintained NC. As soon as he was back from the Vacation he contacted me. I had a terrible time in NC and we began to speak and somewhat resumed the A. It was a rollercoaster though and the pain of it was debilitating. He would contact me when he wanted but when I did he would take hours to respond. Or respond in one word or emojis. At some point I asked him what the problem was and he discarded me cruelly again saying so many vile words. I went NC totally blocked him. I foolishly wished him a happy bday a few weeks later and the A resumed. But he was cruel to say the least. Nothing was the same and I tried so many times to go NC. Blocking and unblocking him so many times. It became exhausting.

 

 

I then sent him a message some weeks ago to which he did not respond. Made a follow up and still he did not respond. I was ghosted and I called to find out what was wrong. I was in NC but I broke it cause I suppose I wanted closure. He told me that his fam had joined him now. I went NC totally. I changed numbers including one I have been using for 10 years. Blocked him every platform and I am on day 3 now. I am determined never to encounter or see him again in my life, but the pain has been so debilitating I can hardly function. At work I am a mess and at home I am trying but its just too tiring and difficult.

 

 

 

Please tell me it gets better. I do not see any light. I just want to maintain NC and move on. What makes it difficult to move on was MM had two sides. On one hand he was the most generous, fun and easy person to be with I would always look forward to seeing him and spending time with him. On the other hand he was too cruel and I am very angry with myself at having been treated so badly by him. I never ever want to encounter him again but it hurts too bad. During the most recent discard he said he never would think of me and that he had already forgotten whatever we had. Is there something wrong with me for someone to be able to treat me this way and get away with it? Is there something wrong with him?

Edited September 8, 2018 by Thamary Scott

[jah526]

Mine was the same, like he was two different people. Even with the physical stuff, he could be so gentle, holding me like a fragile egg, and then right after rough to the point of causing pain.

 

I think a lot of this bad treatment is projection. He doesn’t like this part of himself, the weak part that he knows is bad but doesn’t have control over. So the easiest thing to do is to make you the bad guy, thereby avoiding all those uncomfortable feelings. The initial part where he was good to you was just him enjoying the ego boost.

 

It will get easier. It’s an addiction, and the longer you’re away from the addictive substance, the more your brain will be able to normalize without the drug. Right now your brain is craving that hit. The cravings will lessen over time. Expect it to take at least a year. Find something healthy to replace the drug. Exercise is a good substitute.

[Amethyst68]

I just wonder if it has ever crossed your mind how easily you could be the in the scenario you described, the wife on her own while the husband works away. I take it your husband doesn't know about the affair? Do you have kids? Try thinking more about the actual things you have to lose rather than this fantasy, which by the sound of it, you are the one to keep reaching out for and trying to maintain.

[Thamary Scott]

Jah thank you for your insight and yes you are right it is an addiction like no other. I have been making strides though to cut things off several times, NC several times but failing. I know this time it will stick.

 

Amethyst yes I have kids and yes H doesn't know. I do not think I am trying to hold on to this A any longer. as you read in my post I have gone NC so many times because I recognise MM for what he is. A cruel manipulator of sorts and the rollercoaster was the worst period of my life. I am not holding on as well because as you can see I have changed my numbers blocked on every platform and even changed jobs. He has no way to reach out to me now. Is there something you suppose I am doing which makes it seems like I am trying to mantain this A? The main reason for my post Is trying to get help to move on from this mess. To maintain NC forever and to heal effectively. That's all.

[Amethyst68]

It's good you've changed your contact details but the examples you've given were all times you've broken NC. No indication of him contacting you unless you instigated it first so unless you truly don't know his phone number or email address could easily be broken again if you feel weak.

 

Now this could be wrong he could have been contacting you all along pulling you back in, and if so then I'm sorry but doesn't change the fact that you need to focus on what is real, take it day by day, hour by hour if need be. Do things with your kids, with friends, occupy your time and mind.

 

Think how you would feel if it turned out your husband was doing the same to you as MM was doing to his wife. After all as I mentioned in my previous post it's almost the exact circumstance you described for your marriage!

[Thamary Scott]

Thank you Amethyst. I mention times I broke NC myself because I would have been the one who instigated it. He also broke my NC too many times pulling me back in and recycling the rollercoaster all over again. Now something tells me that this Is it. I will never see him, talk to him or encounter him again. Of course I know his contact details but I have just made A decision. It Is that very decision which I am struggling with which I know however is for my own good. I can say with clarity over the past few months I was mirroring him. NC from me. When he does contact I would sometimes cave in despite blocking him too many times. It has been hell. Thanks for the suggestions you gave and encouragement. Thats the reason for my post.

[CloudyHead]

In my opinion, it takes a long time to heal from an affair. It is an ongoing process. You will experience triggers that throw you back to the "good" times of the affair. What worked for me initially was to focus on the negative parts of the affair and the extreme distress, hurt and pain that I experienced. I wrote down the painful parts so if I did feel like reaching out, I read what I wrote which blocked me from wanting contact. I relived those painful events over and over to the point that when I thought about the affair and MM, I remembered the hurtful aspects of the affair and not the good.

 

I also focused on the positive aspects of my own life - my children, good health, work, etc. My affair started 10 years ago and MM did leave his wife and we had a relationship until 3 years ago. MM ended our relationship in a horrible manner which was very hurtful but was also my chance to get MM out of my life. I was in a fog for about a year after the relationship ended. There are triggers that cause me to think about MM and, when that happens, I think about the pain the affair caused me.

[treehugger12]

I couldn’t agree with Cloudyhead more, I was in that position about a year ago, mine was a short fling/affair with MM and it’s taken me over a year to get over him. The A fog is horrible and never in a million years thought I would be in that place but my marriage was not good and liked the attention from MM at the time. I’ve learned so much from this awful experience. Looking back, I think what was I thinking, I’ve never been addicted to anything. Focus on your family and you, try to distract your mind from MM, if you think of him, think of the bad things, not the good, I know how hard it is but it does get better in time. Whenever I was thinking good of MM, I would come here to LS and read about all the affairs and how awful and stressful they were and it would trigger in my head, that I don’t need or want the mess in my life. So glad it’s over!

[Thamary Scott]

In my opinion, it takes a long time to heal from an affair. It is an ongoing process. You will experience triggers that throw you back to the "good" times of the affair. What worked for me initially was to focus on the negative parts of the affair and the extreme distress, hurt and pain that I experienced. I wrote down the painful parts so if I did feel like reaching out, I read what I wrote which blocked me from wanting contact. I relived those painful events over and over to the point that when I thought about the affair and MM, I remembered the hurtful aspects of the affair and not the good.

 

I also focused on the positive aspects of my own life - my children, good health, work, etc. My affair started 10 years ago and MM did leave his wife and we had a relationship until 3 years ago. MM ended our relationship in a horrible manner which was very hurtful but was also my chance to get MM out of my life. I was in a fog for about a year after the relationship ended. There are triggers that cause me to think about MM and, when that happens, I think about the pain the affair caused me.

 

 

Cloudy head thank you so much. Yes I am focusing on the extreme distress and hurts that the A brought to my life. I went out of my way and out of character to do things for MM. He was good to me maybe 75% of the time. What I am struggling with is why I was accepting the horrible 25% where he was absolutely cruel to me. I struggle with forgiving myself and not getting out early enough. I also struggle with the fact that he got away so easily and I have never mentioned it to him how much distress and hurt he put me through. Should I be OK with him never knowing?

[Thamary Scott]

I couldn’t agree with Cloudyhead more, I was in that position about a year ago, mine was a short fling/affair with MM and it’s taken me over a year to get over him. The A fog is horrible and never in a million years thought I would be in that place but my marriage was not good and liked the attention from MM at the time. I’ve learned so much from this awful experience. Looking back, I think what was I thinking, I’ve never been addicted to anything. Focus on your family and you, try to distract your mind from MM, if you think of him, think of the bad things, not the good, I know how hard it is but it does get better in time. Whenever I was thinking good of MM, I would come here to LS and read about all the affairs and how awful and stressful they were and it would trigger in my head, that I don’t need or want the mess in my life. So glad it’s over!

 

 

Treehugger thanks. My A was a year long but the rollercoaster was just too much. I also never in a million years thought I would be in an A. My H was working out of state and very inattentive. He was just aloof. MM came in hot and maybe capitalised. Did all the things my H would never do. We used to spend the whole day at work talking from morning to evening then go home together. He occupied a great part of my life then. H also had an affair during my A and I am not sure if it was an EA/PA. I have managed however to work through this though its difficult we are trying to reconnect. And yes LS has been a great help I have read almost all the threads on this board. I am also glad its over and I never ever want to experience this pain again.

[Vivir]

Hello there, Thamary, and welcome to LoveShack Before I respond to your questions, I just want to convey how cool I think your name is...

 

Please tell me it gets better. I do not see any light. I just want to maintain NC and move on. What makes it difficult to move on was MM had two sides. On one hand he was the most generous, fun and easy person to be with I would always look forward to seeing him and spending time with him. On the other hand he was too cruel and I am very angry with myself at having been treated so badly by him. I never ever want to encounter him again but it hurts too bad. During the most recent discard he said he never would think of me and that he had already forgotten whatever we had. Is there something wrong with me for someone to be able to treat me this way and get away with it? Is there something wrong with him?

 

It can get better. Getting better is only possible, though, after a significant passage of time OR a significant passage of time PLUS some hard work on your thoughts, beliefs, support system, and daily activities. There are examples of posters here (threads started years ago) who were still swept up in the fog long after their affairs had ended. There are stories going around here where people were usually OW (as opposed to OM) allowing MM to hang out in their lives decades later... things generally do not bode well for people in these scenarios.

 

My point is you HAVE to do the WORK. It can be grueling work, to be sure. And the darkness may be VERY dark before you can see any light whatsoever. At the height of my despair, I found myself giving up completely to that despair. But I couldn't stay there. And neither can you (well, you can, but... you should fight like hell not to stay there!).

 

Don't give up. Take the focus off of this man. Put the focus back on you. You MUST learn to put YOU first. You'll have to practice at this...

 

In the end, it will be worth it, because your mind will be trained on what you need, what you want, who you do and don't want to be... where you do and don't want to be... and not on him and not on what he thought or said. He is not the god you tried to see him as... He is a person. If you can imagine yourself as him for five minutes, you will realize that he goes through the same daily grind as so many of the rest of us... And you'll also realize that people can say all kinds of things... good, bad, and ugly. People can DO all kinds of things, good, bad, and ugly... he is no different. Neither are you. Neither am I.

 

hugs to you! You will get through this!

(((Thamary_Scott)))

[Vivir]

I absolutely agree with jah about this bad treatment being the result of his projecting his own thoughts, beliefs onto you. The hard work I mentioned in my post above, he is not likely to do this work on himself. If you do, you will likely be far more enlightened than he is about what kind of an impact our actions have on our lives. He may repeat this pattern ad nauseum, but you will see it coming a mile away and then avoid it like the plague...

 

I think a lot of this bad treatment is projection. He doesn’t like this part of himself, the weak part that he knows is bad but doesn’t have control over. So the easiest thing to do is to make you the bad guy, thereby avoiding all those uncomfortable feelings. The initial part where he was good to you was just him enjoying the ego boost.

[Thamary Scott]

Hello there, Thamary, and welcome to LoveShack Before I respond to your questions, I just want to convey how cool I think your name is...

 

 

 

It can get better. Getting better is only possible, though, after a significant passage of time OR a significant passage of time PLUS some hard work on your thoughts, beliefs, support system, and daily activities. There are examples of posters here (threads started years ago) who were still swept up in the fog long after their affairs had ended. There are stories going around here where people were usually OW (as opposed to OM) allowing MM to hang out in their lives decades later... things generally do not bode well for people in these scenarios.

 

My point is you HAVE to do the WORK. It can be grueling work, to be sure. And the darkness may be VERY dark before you can see any light whatsoever. At the height of my despair, I found myself giving up completely to that despair. But I couldn't stay there. And neither can you (well, you can, but... you should fight like hell not to stay there!).

 

Don't give up. Take the focus off of this man. Put the focus back on you. You MUST learn to put YOU first. You'll have to practice at this...

 

In the end, it will be worth it, because your mind will be trained on what you need, what you want, who you do and don't want to be... where you do and don't want to be... and not on him and not on what he thought or said. He is not the god you tried to see him as... He is a person. If you can imagine yourself as him for five minutes, you will realize that he goes through the same daily grind as so many of the rest of us... And you'll also realize that people can say all kinds of things... good, bad, and ugly. People can DO all kinds of things, good, bad, and ugly... he is no different. Neither are you. Neither am I.

 

hugs to you! You will get through this!

(((Thamary_Scott)))

 

 

 

 

Vivir your input above got me all mushy:):). I have hope suddenly that I can make it out of this hell hole. That no matter what a brighter day will come. I am still in NC. I find that I have no desire whatsoever to talk to him. Maybe because I was somewhat mentally prepared for this latest episode in my life. Maybe.......

 

 

But sometimes during the day I think of the inside jokes. Or I see something that I think will interest him. And I get sad all over again. But I also find its a matter of mind control. I am trying to quickly snap out of that mood...I know NC is forever...I am willing to give it a shot if it means thats my means to acquire peace and happiness.

 

 

I am willing to put in the hardwork you alluded to above. I have learnt so so much and I dont know what I would have done without the support of LS forum.

[Vivir]

Thamary, you can do it Sometimes, you have to take it minute by minute, sometimes day by day and then week by week. Sometimes the feelings come in waves; they wax and wane.

 

Just don't give up on yourself.

 

You and your long-term happiness are worth this fight!

 

You're not going to forget those little things the two of you shared.

 

And I agree with you - controlling your thoughts is key. It is a good practice to immediately think of something negative to combat the good thoughts... even if you have to make up the negativity...

For instance, I used to fantasize about being able to simply go out on a date with xMM. I began to counter that by imagining he does that with his wife, out in the open, not a secret AT ALL and without fear of being caught... I couldn't possibly know what they were or were not doing, but we can all assume that they spent time together... and that he must've liked being there with her.

 

I digress.

 

You can get through this. It simply takes time (and work... don't forget work...)

[Miss Clavel]

Well my A started at work with exMM who pursued me relentlessly and treated me absolutely good. H was working out of state and he was not really communicating and attentive. I never went looking for an A and was absolutely livid when I got into it and I was always discarding AP at first. The first six months or so were absolutely gorgeous as he is MM but staying in my state and his family in another state. So there was so much time to bond talk, laugh and share so much about our lives. He seemed my soul mate understood me, cooked for me and it was an all-consuming friendship/ PA which took up a lot of my time. He used to tell me that he loves me but I wouldn’t reply because I was sceptic. Used to spoil me with goodies etc. I did not expect him to leave his wife though.

 

 

Towards the other half of the year he started treating me not so good. We worked together but he would sometimes ghost me for days and then come back. Or he would discard me only to reach out after some days. I changed jobs mainly due to this issue and I thought the A would naturally fade. Despite changing jobs I found it difficult to let go. We were in contact but would meet up once or twice a week. The contact though was intermittent i.e. no everyday texts/calls. During this period he discarded me in the most cruel way and he told me he never loved me. Never liked me even. Told me that the whole A was rubbish to him. He told me he never pursued me and a lot of horrible things not for these Boards. I left his place and went NC.

 

 

 

He then called several days after wanting a favour and I was naïve enough to reply. It was always his excuse to reach out whenever he knew he messed up. He then went out of state to visit his fam and I maintained NC. As soon as he was back from the Vacation he contacted me. I had a terrible time in NC and we began to speak and somewhat resumed the A. It was a rollercoaster though and the pain of it was debilitating. He would contact me when he wanted but when I did he would take hours to respond. Or respond in one word or emojis. At some point I asked him what the problem was and he discarded me cruelly again saying so many vile words. I went NC totally blocked him. I foolishly wished him a happy bday a few weeks later and the A resumed. But he was cruel to say the least. Nothing was the same and I tried so many times to go NC. Blocking and unblocking him so many times. It became exhausting.

 

 

I then sent him a message some weeks ago to which he did not respond. Made a follow up and still he did not respond. I was ghosted and I called to find out what was wrong. I was in NC but I broke it cause I suppose I wanted closure. He told me that his fam had joined him now. I went NC totally. I changed numbers including one I have been using for 10 years. Blocked him every platform and I am on day 3 now. I am determined never to encounter or see him again in my life, but the pain has been so debilitating I can hardly function. At work I am a mess and at home I am trying but its just too tiring and difficult.

 

 

 

Please tell me it gets better. I do not see any light. I just want to maintain NC and move on. What makes it difficult to move on was MM had two sides. On one hand he was the most generous, fun and easy person to be with I would always look forward to seeing him and spending time with him. On the other hand he was too cruel and I am very angry with myself at having been treated so badly by him. I never ever want to encounter him again but it hurts too bad. During the most recent discard he said he never would think of me and that he had already forgotten whatever we had. Is there something wrong with me for someone to be able to treat me this way and get away with it? Is there something wrong with him?

 

my dear, you love with your whole heart wide open. so that break is gonna take longer to mend, i don't say heal. while we're waiting.

 

i just have to say. he's not good enough for you. the main reason being, he just doesn't get you.

 

so don't waste your time and don't believe him when he puts you down. he's mad, he wants to love you, he doens't know how and your not his type. he's lost.

 

let him stay lost.

 

don't press on the wound. don't pick it.

 

heal.

 

good luck

 

e.n.

[brigit87]

Vivir your input above got me all mushy:):). I have hope suddenly that I can make it out of this hell hole. That no matter what a brighter day will come. I am still in NC. I find that I have no desire whatsoever to talk to him. Maybe because I was somewhat mentally prepared for this latest episode in my life. Maybe.......

 

 

But sometimes during the day I think of the inside jokes. Or I see something that I think will interest him. And I get sad all over again. But I also find its a matter of mind control. I am trying to quickly snap out of that mood...I know NC is forever...I am willing to give it a shot if it means thats my means to acquire peace and happiness.

 

 

I am willing to put in the hardwork you alluded to above. I have learnt so so much and I dont know what I would have done without the support of LS forum.

 

The best thing you can do is learn from this:

 

Affairs cause pain and suffering. Nothing good can come of them.

 

Even if the affair couple winds up marrying how could they EVER trust each other?

 

They can't.

 

Live and learn.

[Thamary Scott]

MM ghosted me about a month ago without saying a word. We never argued or anything. I really I am positive that I do not want him back after my very bad experiences in the A. I texted him some two or so weeks ago just to make sure I wasn't being ghosted. He never responded. I had seen it coming though and was making my best attempts to let go of this A so many times but nothing had prepared me for this rejection this time around. He hasn't blocked me but my messages have read receipts but no response.

 

 

 

Yet I feel like I need some closure and maybe have one last big conversation with him. I want to move on and I really am trying to work on my M. No matter the circumstances of the A I feel it is good just to say 'do not contact me again' rather than go dark. He broke my NC so many times. I am thinking of breaking his ghosting and call him out. It hurts.

[d0nnivain]

Breaking NC won't get you the closure you seek. He probably won't respond. Even if he does respond he doesn't have the words to explain this to you.

 

Closure comes from within. All the closure you need should the fact that he didn't have the good grace to formally tell you it's over. But then what do you expect from somebody who is a lying cheater -- he was with you & lying to his primary partner so he doesn't exactly have the moral high ground her.

 

Let it go. He's not worth it. Take what you have learned from this & chose your next partner more wisely.

[BTDT2012]

Let it go. You can't make him respond to you.

[Zahara]

I really I am positive that I do not want him back after my very bad experiences in the A.

 

This is your closure. There is no need to speak to him IF you already know what you want for yourself. Or are you working on your marriage and trying to move on now only because he's gone silent on you? Be honest with how you really feel.

 

Yet I feel like I need some closure and maybe have one last big conversation with him.

 

It's not closure that you need. Your ego is hurt that he just dropped you and you've tied you worth to his actions.

Edited September 17, 2018 by Zahara

[Thamary Scott]

Breaking NC won't get you the closure you seek. He probably won't respond. Even if he does respond he doesn't have the words to explain this to you.

 

Closure comes from within. All the closure you need should the fact that he didn't have the good grace to formally tell you it's over. But then what do you expect from somebody who is a lying cheater -- he was with you & lying to his primary partner so he doesn't exactly have the moral high ground her.

 

 

True Donnivain. Its a huge battle trying to rationalise everything.

Edited September 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed quote

[Fran20]

MM ghosted me about a month ago without saying a word. We never argued or anything. I really I am positive that I do not want him back after my very bad experiences in the A. I texted him some two or so weeks ago just to make sure I wasn't being ghosted. He never responded. I had seen it coming though and was making my best attempts to let go of this A so many times but nothing had prepared me for this rejection this time around. He hasn't blocked me but my messages have read receipts but no response.

 

 

 

Yet I feel like I need some closure and maybe have one last big conversation with him. I want to move on and I really am trying to work on my M. No matter the circumstances of the A I feel it is good just to say 'do not contact me again' rather than go dark. He broke my NC so many times. I am thinking of breaking his ghosting and call him out. It hurts.

 

My thoughts exactly, I feel like I could’ve wrote that myself. My MM has done the same thing for about 2 weeks. A few days ago I sent him a long message about not understanding what was going on and if he was done he needed to tell me he was done. I needed closure bc it was really messing with my head the rollercoaster and hot/cold ghosting actions. He finally started responding more for 2 or 3 days...then all of a sudden again for the past 2 days I haven’t heard a word. It’s maddening & drives me crazy! After a year and a half i would think an explanation or closure would be nice but he just comes and goes as he pleases and leaves me waiting and begging for more. I hate myself for waiting for any piece of attention I can get from him. I feel so stupid and weak. I wish I I had advice for you but I’ve been on here looking for it myself and the strength to cut him off.

[Thamary Scott]

This is your closure. There is no need to speak to him IF you already know what you want for yourself. Or are you working on your marriage and trying to move on now only because he's gone silent on you? Be honest with how you really feel.

 

 

 

It's not closure that you need. Your ego is hurt that he just dropped you and you've tied you worth to his actions.

 

 

I tried to break A this soooo many times I've lost count because I think my M and H though not perfect are worth saving. But each time I went NC on him I would block and unblock and he'd find ways to reel me in and I would cave. It was a vicious and brutal roller coaster I never ever wanna go through that again.

 

 

Yet I find the discard from him very calculating and cold.Like he was planning to reel me in and discard me brutally.... Maybe my ego is bruised like you say...Ok fine.... But how to move from this mindset to indifference I suppose...

[Zahara]

I tried to break A this soooo many times I've lost count because I think my M and H though not perfect are worth saving. But each time I went NC on him I would block and unblock and he'd find ways to reel me in and I would cave. It was a vicious and brutal roller coaster I never ever wanna go through that again.

 

When you unblock someone you are trying to stay away from, you are usually placing yourself in a place of vulnerability by being accessible to him. You are also hoping for contact when you unblock someone. You knew from his patterns that he would always return so it's not surprising that you allowed yourself to be reeled in by him by giving him access to you. There were two active players in this rollercoaster. You need to decide when it is you finally want to get off.

 

But looking forward, if you are truly wanting to save your M and H, then keep him blocked and focus on rebuilding your marriage.

 

Have you blocked him? Or is he still accessible to you? Are you still hoping for contact?

 

Yet I find the discard from him very calculating and cold.Like he was planning to reel me in and discard me brutally.... Maybe my ego is bruised like you say...Ok fine.... But how to move from this mindset to indifference I suppose...

 

Yes, it is cold and calculating but use that to your advantage. Use his cruelty as a way to find your anger and repulsion for who he is and for how he has hurt you.

 

Moving to indifference cannot and will not happen overnight. There's no switch. First, you have to be absolute in your want to work and focus on your marriage and to let go of MM. Second, you need to allow time to heal your pain.

[Thamary Scott]

This is your closure. There is no need to speak to him IF you already know what you want for yourself. Or are you working on your marriage and trying to move on now only because he's gone silent on you? Be honest with how you really feel.

 

 

 

It's not closure that you need. Your ego is hurt that he just dropped you and you've tied you worth to his actions.

 

My thoughts exactly, I feel like I could’ve wrote that myself. My MM has done the same thing for about 2 weeks. A few days ago I sent him a long message about not understanding what was going on and if he was done he needed to tell me he was done. I needed closure bc it was really messing with my head the rollercoaster and hot/cold ghosting actions. He finally started responding more for 2 or 3 days...then all of a sudden again for the past 2 days I haven’t heard a word. It’s maddening & drives me crazy! After a year and a half i would think an explanation or closure would be nice but he just comes and goes as he pleases and leaves me waiting and begging for more. I hate myself for waiting for any piece of attention I can get from him. I feel so stupid and weak. I wish I I had advice for you but I’ve been on here looking for it myself and the strength to cut him off.

 

 

Fran, (((((hugs))))) this is a situation I know only tooo well. You hang on to the A because it had some good moments and some memories which you think are worth saving. You think when he comes to again he will realise how so very nice and wonderful you are. So you hang on.....But hear it from me..... being in the very same pit....NOTHING WILL EVER EVER EVER CHANGE. If at all it will worsen because the more you accept disrespect from him the more your value in his eyes decrease. The more you appear a dud to him.

 

 

Though I am in the same situation I can advise you this way.....run for your dear life....and never ever look back. I do not have the full background to your story but be on your heels this second...Your self esteem along with your self worth will thank you.... Go NC. I am in NC myself, albeit forced but I can tell you this..thats when your healing starts...you are better off healing that being a doormat to someone who could treat even their dog better. In NC I am still having nightmares and very hellish days but I've read on these boards that it becomes easier with time. I am looking forward to that as I was even depressed during the A itself. Its been a long while since I've felt like myself. I was with an MM who was hot and cold. The coldness was sooooo cold and cruel I dont even know how I have survived to write this...It hurts but we can do this....