Disabled and wife wants divorce after 21 years.

[Mr. Lucky]

It all came to a head tonight and was about to end badly when she suggested separating. At first, I was resistant... then I asked her if this was the only way for us to ever get back together and she said it was the best chance. Then I agreed knowing there is no fantasy world or movie script involved here, this is the best chance I have to save it or get myself ready to move on.

 

Separation is a dry-run divorce, it's practice for living a life apart. It doesn't have anything to do with working on or saving your marriage.

 

I am averaging 7 lbs a week weight loss and already feel good, so I'm shooting for more knowing I have a long, tough road there. it is very possible that at the end of this six months she may be ready to continue but I say NO.

 

Congrats on the weight loss. You need to start thinking about the life you want to live, regardless of the marital outcome. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

Separation is a dry-run divorce, it's practice for living a life apart. It doesn't have anything to do with working on or saving your marriage.

 

 

 

Congrats on the weight loss. You need to start thinking about the life you want to live, regardless of the marital outcome. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yep, hopefully you'll wake up quick.

[StephenTexas]

Yep, hopefully you'll wake up quick.

 

I'm still going to a lawyer with a strong case in hand, including the fact that instead of staying home her weekend off to help me with the wound on my foot that was going badly, she left for another guy. Told the doctor who knows me and her for five years and also knows even when I was in a special shoe or boot or knee scooter, my wife only came occasionally or not at all and more than once something like this has happened because she did not want to be bothered with it... even though she is a nurse. I had an Achilles reconstruction, big toe fusion after several sores, one partial amputation, another that became septic because she wasn't watching as she should so I ended up in the hospital for a week with IV antibiotics running for a week, surgery to open the foot and toe then amputation of the toe and barely saved the foot. ALL of this on my strong right foot, the latest is on the big toe of the other foot.

 

She also acted like an ass when I had my first neck surgery and could not get up. I was sent to a rehab hospital to learn how to walk again and she was a total bitch about it and thought I was putting on. Both of my sons saw this and it turned them against her.

 

So I am awake and gathering what I need to survive. She has no idea what it means to be out there alone and thinks she is going to have a ball. She thinks i can show her how to log into accounts and pay bills but I won't be there to remind her or make her do it today, not tomorrow.

 

I told my son she thinks I can't make it on my own because of my health and going on disability. He laughed and said, "She really doesn't know who you are after all these years does she? ALL of the friends you guys have had were there because of you and your personality, not her. And she is the reason most of them quit hanging around Dad! She will be shocked when they and new friends show up to see you and never see her because she doesn't know how to be TRULY a friend or friendly... you are the reason she had any acquaintances that didn't work with her and only one has stuck with her but only shows up every 4 or 5 months to cry on her shoulder." Damn my son is smart. I've been working on a backup plan since the first day she told me.

 

I know I am a fool to love this woman and want to even try this but I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO SAY I TRIED. I may feel different very soon, but I still want to give her a chance because she is still my best friend in spite of it all.

 

I'm not fooling myself or patiently waiting for her to come back either. I've already started having pretty ladies flirting with me. I am a flirt anyway so I can handle that.

 

Right now I would say there is an 80-90 percent chance she will want to work it out.

Right now I would say I think there is a 60 percent chance I will and it will go down every day.

 

One last thing, she has always been intimated by my intellect and pissed because I never flaunt it. I have a double major in English/Communication I got at 36 going back to school full time and working fulltime. She has an LVN and was always pissed because she thought I never respected her knowledge when she never gave me much credit either. All the same, she thinks I am the dumb one and I am the one that "will get mad" at her for what happens while we are separated.

 

She is in for more than one rude awakening my friends.

 

I will share my adventures with you if you wish. It gives me good practice to finally craft those books and songs I have put off writing trying to give her the life she wanted while breaking my body down.

 

It should be a fun ride.

[Marc878]

<SNIP>

 

I know I am a fool to love this woman and want to even try this but I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO SAY I TRIED. I may feel different very soon, but I still want to give her a chance because she is still my best friend in spite of it all.<SNIP>

 

No you don't. Just an excuse. She's going her way so you should go yours.

 

It's about the only thing you can do at this time but like most you'll allow yourself to be strung along. Why? What do you think that's going to get you?

Edited November 3, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm still going to a lawyer with a strong case in hand, including the fact that instead of staying home her weekend off to help me with the wound on my foot that was going badly, she left for another guy. Told the doctor who knows me and her for five years and also knows even when I was in a special shoe or boot or knee scooter, my wife only came occasionally or not at all and more than once something like this has happened because she did not want to be bothered with it... even though she is a nurse. I had an Achilles reconstruction, big toe fusion after several sores, one partial amputation, another that became septic because she wasn't watching as she should so I ended up in the hospital for a week with IV antibiotics running for a week, surgery to open the foot and toe then amputation of the toe and barely saved the foot. ALL of this on my strong right foot, the latest is on the big toe of the other foot.

 

She also acted like an ass when I had my first neck surgery and could not get up. I was sent to a rehab hospital to learn how to walk again and she was a total bitch about it and thought I was putting on. Both of my sons saw this and it turned them against her.

 

Wow. Pretty difficult to understand why you don't just lawyer up and get on with your life. You've painted a pretty clear picture and it's not someone I'd want to spend the rest of my days with...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited September 21, 2018 by Mr. Lucky

[Orokotikki]

All my advice, and others advice, about lawyering up and serving papers works IN FAVOR of reconciliation, not against.

 

Keep up on your self progress, but would not count on anything helpful from the separation! From here and quite possibly from her point of view it is PERMISSION to conduct her affair.

 

You say she hasn't had to handle things on her own, but she is not, she has her affair partner.

 

What have you dug up about this guy?

Have you exposed her affair yet at all? Doing so will help pop the fantasy bubble.

 

Best wishes friend.

[StephenTexas]

All my advice, and others advice, about lawyering up and serving papers works IN FAVOR of reconciliation, not against.

 

Keep up on your self progress, but would not count on anything helpful from the separation! From here and quite possibly from her point of view it is PERMISSION to conduct her affair.

 

You say she hasn't had to handle things on her own, but she is not, she has her affair partner.

 

What have you dug up about this guy?

Have you exposed her affair yet at all? Doing so will help pop the fantasy bubble.

 

Best wishes friend.

 

1. My son tried talking to her this morning asking her to move out instead of us because it would be the easiest and we would help. She said part of her wanted to and part of her wants to be mean. That did it. Don't **** with my kid, She said it made her mad because he was only thinking about her. I told her I told him to talk to her and let her know he loves and respects her, that's all. I don't think he does after that.

 

2 After that, I contacted two law firms and gathered all the phone records and details about the dude that's 34 when she is 54. I am spending all my time between now and next weekend to have a bombshell of my own ready to drop when she comes back.

 

3. she has made it painfully clear she thinks I cannot exist on my own will never have money, will fade away

 

she don't know me and i am a good poker player if you know what i mean... very good

[Normm]

 

she don't know me and i am a good poker player if you know what i mean... very good

 

 

The law is the law, whatever it is. A great attorney might make a difference over a terrible attorney, and charge more than you'll gain in most cases. Generally speaking, most courts will provide the non-monied spouse with temporary or sometimes even permanent support during and after the divorce, maybe attorneys fees as well, and your joint marital assets will be split evenly or at least equitably.

 

 

So forget all the BS you're ranting about as if it makes any difference how good a poker face you have or that your son asked her to leave but she won't because she's mean or because she's bonking a younger guy. Nobody cares. You want out, then file for divorce and request sole occupancy of the marital residence and "let the chips fall where they may".

[Orokotikki]

So glad to hear you taking these steps Stephen!

John Henry better make way this locomotive is building steam!

Rooting and praying for you!

[FMW]

Use this time apart to figure out why you want so badly to hold on to her when to all of us it's clear she's a cold xxxxx.

 

I understand the "but I love her" from my own experience, but underneath that is something you need to discover and face. It's probably fear, losing the "known", the stability, the security. But at what cost are you holding on?

 

Your son knows you and is telling you you're a strong guy and will be fine without her. Start really processing all the xxxx she's said and done and let yourself get good and mad.

 

There's no reasonable basis for anyone, including you, to feel you haven't done everything you could at this point, no need to keep subjecting yourself to more of the same.

[Normm]

Use this time apart to figure out why you want so badly to hold on to her when to all of us it's clear she's a cold xxxxx.

 

 

I can think of at lea$t one rea$on.

[StephenTexas]

I can think of at lea$t one rea$on.

 

Exactly...

 

I'll get to that in a minute.

 

I was in a hurry when I made the other post because I had a lot to do today.

 

When she told my 19 year old son that she wanted part to work and part to be mean about who leaves this apartment a light went off. I go on the web to find the best divorce lawyer, showered, dressed, kissed her goodbye because she would be gone to work after and headed out to the new bank. I sat in the parking lot and went from aid to the lawyer and laid out a skeleton of what is going on. I told her I wanted to have something in place where if I want to I can hand it to her on her return from the weekend romp and tell her to get a lawyer and move out. The lawyer would say anything for certain at this point of course but told me I could lose no money, be able to stay in the apartment, be covered by her insurance still and possibly more. She said they would take care of me AND MY SON.

 

I then opened a new account at a different bank. I asked her this morning if she thought we should and she said yes, so there you go. I pulled almost all of the money I had just put in from one of my retirement accounts from the old bank and put it in the new. Just so she can't run to the bank and pull it all out herself. She is obsessed with the fact that she is the only person making money after almost twenty years of me pulling 70-80% of our gross income each year (told you I would get back there).

 

I realized she really thinks I have no future, no chance to ever have money again and will just crawl up and die because she has left. She also thinks she will get anything she wants just because she wants it. The reason why she wants this apartment is because she wouldn't have to do anything (in her mind) to keep it and I should leave if I don't like it because she is the current breadwinner.

 

I finally realized I am in a caustic relationship. I spoiled her and I am reaping the harvest of putting her on a pedestal and never asking for any appreciation or thanks for everything I have done for her. She so stupid and I can't believe she thinks this.

 

It's also obvious she is acting like an extreme bitch so I want to divorce her so she doesn't even have to do that! She really thinks I will give her whatever she wants or she doesn't really give a damn what happens.

 

It's all very sad now but I ain't crying. She will never see me cry again.

 

My life coach really made me see today that you are the master of your own feelings. If you let someone else take control of your feelings then you are in an unhealthy relationship. You and only you are responsible for your own feelings. In turn, she is the only one responsible for hers... not me.

 

 

I'll check in and update but thanks again, guys. I'm finally feeling solid ground under my feet during this whole time. I hope I can repay you or the next person for the kindness, advice, and understanding you have shown me.

[preraph]

Just be aware that proof someone is cheating doesn't even factor into divorce cases. It's not any kind of leverage. So don't waste a bunch of money on that. It won't give you any advantage.

 

Also, one thing that makes all judges really mad is if you involve the kids in your adult problems. So don't do that or use a kid as a go-between or talk bad about her or anything. I'm telling you, judges hate that and it will be marks against you. The main thing that will get you everywhere in a divorce or custody proceeding is you being the calm, rational, nonranting, respectful one. The one who makes the biggest scene or brings a bunch of drama and excuses will be deemed the problem. You be the sane one when you're before the judge if it comes to that.

Edited September 22, 2018 by preraph

[amaysngrace]

Just be aware that proof someone is cheating doesn't even factor into divorce cases. It's not any kind of leverage. So don't waste a bunch of money on that. It won't give you any advantage.

 

I’m assuming he’s in Texas? Cheating spouses are looked down upon there and the injured party can use being cheated on to their advantage.

[Marc878]

When she told my 19 year old son that she wanted part to work and part to be mean about who leaves this apartment a light went off. I go on the web to find the best divorce lawyer, showered, dressed, kissed her goodbye <SNIP>

 

why? You should be in a hard 180

Edited November 3, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

My life coach really made me see today that you are the master of your own feelings. If you let someone else take control of your feelings then you are in an unhealthy relationship. You and only you are responsible for your own feelings. In turn, she is the only one responsible for hers... not me.

 

In bits and pieces, this is what we've all been trying to tell you.

 

Your initial post basically said "why isn't she making me happy?" The nearly universal response has been "given the circumstances, why aren't you taking the steps to make yourself happy?". Big difference, eh?

 

You've made a lot of progress. Keep on keepin' on...

 

Mr. Lucky

[StephenTexas]

I’m assuming he’s in Texas? Cheating spouses are looked down upon there and the injured party can use being cheated on to their advantage.

 

I found that this is true here and factors into a big money problem for her. She had a surgery that her insurance would not cover for some odd reason. We had to pay $7000 towards her doctor. Now she has a bill from the hospital for $100,000 and is not really trying to do anything about it because she doesn't know what to do. I bluntly told her if we stay together I have ideas.

 

Then I found out that since she started this with dude BEFORE the surgery, I won't be liable. Texas views cheating spouses very, very badly, which my attorney told me and was the basis of why she (attorney) said I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to, except for assets from the house and maybe not even that.

 

Since I took these steps yesterday, I am calm and friendly and just said let's take a couple of days not talking about it and she is going right along. I figured out she really is less intelligent than I ever dreamed or the fantasy of a world with no responsibilities and free-living has blinded her.

 

A change at work will allow us to spend time together for the next few days. Just playing it cool and putting the ball in her court, then finding out facts from my attorney on Monday.

 

I'm finally relaxed and calm. Imagine that.

Keep you posted.

[Orokotikki]

Really glad to hear this Stephen, you are not alone, myself and others remain rooting for you!

[amaysngrace]

Really glad to hear this Stephen, you are not alone, myself and others remain rooting for you!

 

Yep! I second that!!

[StephenTexas]

Really glad to hear this Stephen, you are not alone, myself and others remain rooting for you!

 

Spoke to one lawyer who really laid it all out for me. It was tough but I really needed to hear it. Walking down the hall to the offices, my heart said leave but my head said go on.

 

I expect to hear from the lawyer I will work with this soon. Going to file and have everything ready for whatever happens next.

 

I did not bring much of anything and we had an enjoyable weekend and things calmed down. This is the weekend she said she was either going to see dude (who she has only had two texts with in the last 10 days) or go with her friends to a music thing.

 

I told her Sunday that she didn't have to say anything but IF she changes her mind I wanted her and I to go away for a day or two from here and everything else... nothing promised, no pressures. She said okay.

 

I'm sure she won't right now, but you never know.

 

I also decided I have to do some kind of work and not just live on a government paycheck. I may not be able to do what I used to, but I have two degrees and a ton of work experience with technology, workflows and people. I am lighting up my network of professional friends and as soon as I can get my foot healed again, I will head out.

 

I'll check in later.

[Marc878]

Doing the "pick me " dance works against you

[Mr. Lucky]

I told her Sunday that she didn't have to say anything but IF she changes her mind I wanted her and I to go away for a day or two from here and everything else... nothing promised, no pressures. She said okay.

 

I'm sure she won't right now, but you never know.

 

So if he gets a cold and cancels, you'll step in and be her substitute date? It's that kind of doormat thinking that's made her feel entitled to sleep in your bed while she's seeing him.

 

You're simply enabling her to act out further. Seems like you deserve better...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Noproblem]

I am sorry but this woman.....

 

Ok, let's talk about the mother who failed her son? Shall we.

 

I don't get why someone drives their kids out of the nest so early just because they want to get rid of them, yes, independent kids are great, but some kids can't fly solo, they need guidance and so much love.... She knew he wasn't going to fly solo, she drove him away and ruined his life!

Honestly, for that reason alone I would lose all my love and respect for her, if she can do this to her son, of her own flesh and blood, of course she wouldn't think twice about doing the same to you.

 

and who are you really? The guy who took care of her for many years, provided for her and loved her with all his heart. Never cheated on her or anything.

You get some kind of injury or disease that disable you, and poof? She forget about the ridicoulous vows about in health and sickness, that's it for her!

 

But enough about her, who cares about her.

 

I think you are afraid!

 

Yes, admit you are afraid!

 

You are in your 50's disabled and lost a limp! No job and can't have an intercourse, so you think nobody would want you, and you will end up alone, so you are willing to take her if she decides to stay!

 

But, no she is no good for you!

She showed her true colors!

 

Being alone is better than being with her!

 

 

Now Enough about her!

 

Back to you.

 

You are the main protganist of this story! It's on you to write a happy ending of this story.

 

Enough with I am sick and disable, blah blah blah! I let myself gain weight blah blah!

That is in the past!

 

You will lose weight, yes you will.. Because losing weight is step one in getting back your health!

 

You will recover

 

You will get back on you feet again, and you will work

 

You will deal with the pain

 

and you will find a job

 

and you will be single again !

 

You will take good care of your kids! You already are a great father!

 

and you will find love again.

 

This will take 2-3 years, but it will happen!

 

Now, say bye to this toxic love!

 

Show her the door, no need for losing temper or being melodramtic!

 

What's done is done, she chose her way, now you choose you!

 

 

You are what is important, you are what matters!

 

If you fail "you" then nobody will stand up for you!

Edited September 25, 2018 by Noproblem

[beatcuff]

I have had two cervical spine surgeries because my spinal cord was being crushed by bone growth. It left me weak in one side, chronic pain, myelopathy, unable type, and issues walking. I've had 4 surgeries on my foot along the way with amputations...

The signs really only began in the past few months after I lost my job, couldn't get another

In spite of it all, I want her. We were friends before lovers and were always friends until I drew into my shell...

i have found to jump into these too soon has bitten me... and you didn't disappoint by leaving this out of the first post... it is very obvious, although i will assume thru no fault of your own, you changed. and the two bold lines may have broken her. she maybe suffering from caregiver fatigue. each person can handle only so much. and some thrive on this (my wife) and others don't (my sister). unlike most other posters i can have some compassion for her AND obviously you do as well (the last line above). that does not mean what she did was even remotely right but if you really want this to work its there.

 

this is real benefit of the 180. doing it may get her to notice the 'old you' (losing weight, getting out of your shell) -- win and if not, you have already started on your new journey -- win.

 

i suggest couples therapy but one geared towards couples with disabilities. i think she will need a weekend or night off with girlfriends on a regular basis to vent and recharge. AND of course this is where she shot herself in the foot. i'm not even sure how this could now work.

 

you need to think of this like getting a job. just because an interview went well does not mean stop doing the other interviews. so you can do couple's therapy (work on making this work), do the 180 AND still see your attorney (you absolutely need to know your rights and responsibilities). in fact maybe her just knowing you saw an attorney may get to realize she does not hold all the cards.

[StephenTexas]

Well, today was her day off and she came back from servicing her car to tell me she has an apartment here in the complex in a different building. She said if we are going to separate, she needs to go on. The suddenness shocked me but I'm over it.

 

I agreed, helped her get things set up and we are again talking. She said she can't miss me if we see each other every day. I agree.

 

She will move in this weekend. Don't know if she will be able to see the dude but it doesn't worry me now. We've agreed on all terms and she will help me with my foot dressing till it heals. Six months is the deadline.

 

In the meantime, I will continue to work with the legal and self-improvement. I am about to cross the 30 lbs mark in less than a month. My pro contacts sent me leads on jobs I can do if I go back to Apple. I left on good terms because of the health problems.

 

We will see how the next few days and the weekend goes, then what its like with her alone. My son said she is not the bravest person.

 

One more thing, our son in prison wrote a letter back and 80 % was toward me and pissed her off sumpin' terrible.

 

Later.