Haru-no-yuki Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 So I was the bad guy in the relationship. Got 100% ghosted after 8 months by my ex after I chucked her out of my place. She was 17 years younger than me (M41). Basically we were on off for a while because I have a long term relationship (which she knew about). At that time though I was pretty serious about her and planning to move on. She ended up crying because she found some of my other's stuff in my second home - which was kind of exclusively her place up to then. I couldn't handle it at the time - new job etc - and asked her to leave. She was devastated. Then she contacted me a week later but I couldn't meet her as I was busy and that was that. Never saw her again or spoke properly to her afterwards. She started seeing an ex-colleague of mine (my guess based purely on Instagram photos I saw before I stopped looking at her social network). According to some other ex colleagues he said he wasnt, but suppose either way it doesn't really matter too much. Irony was I introduced her to him because I was getting serious about her and wanted to show this by inviting her to my leaving drinks. So what's the point of this thread?? Feel bad about how it ended and never got a chance to apologize or make amends. That's all. Just venting I guess. As the stars would align, relationship with the long term partner is amazing again and this episode has strengthened it if anything. Anyone else been the bad guy in a relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 What I've noticed is the most successful people in life acknowledge such actions and move on and don't dwell on them. There are billions of people on the planet and even if we tried real hard we couldn't hurt even an infinitesimal amount of them. There's always a new opportunity. The people who get this message early and embrace it are the ones I see with the most success and popularity in life. Is that important? IDK. I do know those who've damaged a lot of people, seen it personally, still have well-attended funerals. Why? Lots of people liked them too. Those hurt are irrelevant. That's the game of life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haru-no-yuki Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 Is it wrong to feel upset I've been ghosted and she's now dating my ex colleague? I guess she must have hated me badly to do that... It's never happened to me before in past relationships. Although she felt I wasn't 100% honest about my long term relationship issues, I treated her really well when we were together (except that one time). I think my ego was badly hit that she met my colleagues at my leaving drinks (which i invited her so I could show her I was serious) and then in a matter of weeks she's hooking up with one of them. Logic part of me knows the relationship wasn't going anywhere. She was very young. She couldn't speak English so everything was communicated in Japanese. Our educational backgrounds were totally different. I'm Ivy league grad, she works in a non professional job etc. Beyond the physical there wasn't much too talk about. Ego part of me though has seriously suffered these past four months. It sounds arrogant but my ex colleague is not a good catch - not good looking; basically considered untrustworthy in the office and has virtually been fired from my old company. He's a smooth talker but no substance behind it. It's just been a mess. What made it worse was that ex colleague literally asked me for a job this week whilst at the same time telling me how he's going on holiday with her... Decided now to have 100% NC with both of them and continue to work on my own relationship. I just feel stupid because I was very upset for the first couple of months and kept asking her to contact me - without getting any replies of course. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 **** happens so you deal with it. Cut them both out. Time will fix it. She's way to young and immature for you anyway. Hence, her hooking up with your colleague Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haru-no-yuki Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 She's way to young and immature for you anyway. Hence, her hooking up with your colleague Yeah I know you're right. Also I've behaved immaturely as well - that's something I need to work on. I think part of the problem is I haven't had a strong support network here (based in Tokyo but from the US). No real family to turn to. That compounded my feelings of upset. Getting back on my feet though. New job is good, started kickboxing and skydiving - which gives me something to focus on outside of work. Can't understand people who ghost though. Seems cowardly. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 (edited) Can't understand people who ghost though. Seems cowardly. Seriously? You threw her out! Of course she blocked you and moved on. What other reasonable course of action could she have taken? I can't believe you see her behaviour as "ghosting" Edited September 23, 2018 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haru-no-yuki Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 Seriously? You threw her out! Of course she blocked you and moved on. What other reasonable course of action could she have taken? I can't believe you see her behaviour as "ghosting" Ha, yeah I haven't covered myself in glory in this whole episode, I know. I probably didn't explain myself properly though. Initially I asked her to leave but when she got really upset I apologized there and then and asked her to stay but she wouldn't. Her behaviour had been really odd. She was already hanging out with my ex colleague and his friends and that night she came to my house after one of his parties and jumped me (ie was really horny). It was out of character to her behaviour. Then she started crying etc. I was just confused by the whole thing. However, I think by that point she had already planned her back up, so in hindsight it's all pretty clear. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Watch out for the 'sour the milk' social hack. It's an effective manipulative tool to make the enemy appear 'the bad guy'. As prior, if things feel off, eject them and move on. Billions more on the planet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haru-no-yuki Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 Watch out for the 'sour the milk' social hack. It's an effective manipulative tool to make the enemy appear 'the bad guy'. As prior, if things feel off, eject them and move on. Billions more on the planet. Thanks. Yes,I think I was made to feel the bad guy when a) she knew I was in a long term relationship, b) I apologized to her straight out after being an arse. Screw that, the gloves are off and I know I wasn't the bad guy. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Certainly she did it for revenge. Why not? You had it coming, as you well know. So if you truly feel bad about what you did that got this ball rolling, forgive her and leave her alone and let her move on. She will never trust you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haru-no-yuki Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 (edited) Certainly she did it for revenge. Why not? You had it coming, as you well know. So if you truly feel bad about what you did that got this ball rolling, forgive her and leave her alone and let her move on. She will never trust you again. Yeah actually you're right. I was a bit drunk on my last post. To be honest I do forgive her and actually don't want her back anyway, for various reasons - not all related to our breakup. I have been leaving her alone as it happens. It's cutting the ex-colleague out that has proven harder. Edited September 23, 2018 by Haru-no-yuki Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 Thanks. Yes,I think I was made to feel the bad guy when a) she knew I was in a long term relationship, b) I apologized to her straight out after being an arse. Screw that, the gloves are off and I know I wasn't the bad guy. Did she know that you're married? I'm not sure why you're worried about who the bad guy is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haru-no-yuki Posted October 9, 2018 Author Share Posted October 9, 2018 (edited) Did she know that you're married? I'm not sure why you're worried about who the bad guy is. Yeah I was super drunk when I wrote that - had just been out clubbing... I guess one reason, in hindsight, I got stuck on this subject was because this ex colleague kept calling me and telling me "I ruined her". Obviously he had his own motivations - ie bagging her. Anyway, it's all old news now. As for your question, she knew I was married for the last three months or so. I won't deny - she was super upset to begin with. Edited October 9, 2018 by Haru-no-yuki Link to post Share on other sites
Mardelis Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 this ex colleague kept calling me and telling me "I ruined her". Obviously he had his own motivations - ie bagging her. Or, since he's now involved with her and has developed feelings for her, he realized how badly you deceived and manipulated her and took advantage of her, and he's letting you know that he thinks you're not a nice person who has no problem lying to people to further your own goals. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haru-no-yuki Posted October 9, 2018 Author Share Posted October 9, 2018 Or, since he's now involved with her and has developed feelings for her, he realized how badly you deceived and manipulated her and took advantage of her, and he's letting you know that he thinks you're not a nice person who has no problem lying to people to further your own goals. Yeah that's possible too. Except basically I didn't. She knew I was in a relationship from almost the start. Just not that I was married. Plus she also was dating other guys on the side without telling me. Anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haru-no-yuki Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 Anyone been in a post breakup Instagram war? Had my birthday the other day and my ex posted an Instagram story two days later which had as a title my birthday date and as a cover picture, her sticking her tongue out whilst in the frame was her new fellow. I didn't view the story, just saw the main picture, so no idea the context. However, as she used my birthday date as the title I guess she was trying to get back at me. Not sure why, after all she dumped me Yes I know I shouldn't be looking at her Instagram and for the most part am not... Just thought I'd share a funny story since I hadn't been on here for a while. Had a lovely meal with the wife for my bday, all is good on that front ? Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 My ex sister in law has just split up with her partner, they're both major idiots and having a scrap via Facebook, accusing each other of stealing stuff, beating each other up, calling each other liars....the drama is just too funny!! I'm not even friends with either of them, but his page is set to public so everyone can be entertained. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haru-no-yuki Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 That's too bad. Funny, but also sad when breakups turn jasty. Actually all my previous breakups have been pretty ok except this one. I am posting on Instagram, and I assume she sees my posts from time to time, but for the most part my pictures are pretty innocuous. Although there have been a few with the wife - but then again as I mentioned she dumped me so no idea why she would care. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 I was confused about why an ex is bothering you now that you're married, so I looked on your history. There were a few threads, but this one easily explains why she's going nuts https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/664745-when-you-re-bad-guy If you mess about with other people's emotions, you will likely be on the receiving end of their wrath. I strongly suggest you keep your trousers zipped up and block the ex-OW's social media feeds. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haru-no-yuki Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 Fair enough and good advice. It's been six months though. Supposedly she moved on five months ago, according to the guy who became her new bloke. So why bother? Immaturity perhaps? She is young and also immature for her age. I don't feel guilty any more though (a) I already apologized enough, (b) I really liked her and basically treated her well and © she was the one who dumped me if I recall correctly... and wouldn't talk about the situation at that time... I'm just getting on and doing my thing, keeping it cool and not reacting. Hope she finds her path though and learns how to not hate. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 (edited) It's been six months though. Supposedly she moved on five months ago, according to the guy who became her new bloke. So why bother? Immaturity perhaps? She is young and also immature for her age. To be fair, I don't think you have moved on either. You are married and still paying attention to this other woman, so she's not the only one fueling this. She does it because she knows you well enough to know you're still watching her and that you still like her. Right? Edited November 21, 2018 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haru-no-yuki Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 Definitely moved on, but I agree I shouldn't browse her Instagram. Curiosity etc though.... Definitely don't like her... She's not the same girl I used to know... That girl was kind and caring... (or so I thought) All said though, that's the only social media platform I use, so I don't see anything on her Facebook etc. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Definitely moved on, but I agree I shouldn't browse her Instagram. Curiosity etc though.... Definitely don't like her... She's not the same girl I used to know... That girl was kind and caring... (or so I thought) All said though, that's the only social media platform I use, so I don't see anything on her Facebook etc. She probably was caring, until she realised just how much you were using her. Now she just hates you and is having fun mocking you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haru-no-yuki Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 She probably was caring, until she realised just how much you were using her. Now she just hates you and is having fun mocking you. Yeah maybe, except it only works if I care much... I just feel sorry for her... Sorry that she feels so angry still after such a long time... Anyway, not my problem. I'm just going to continue my stuff - riding motorbikes, jumping out of planes and caring about my wife Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Had a lovely meal with the wife for my bday, all is good on that front ? The minute your wife finds out you are still connected to the OW on social media say bye bye to your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts