confused1109 Posted September 19, 2018 Share Posted September 19, 2018 My spouse has had many emotional affairs over the course of our 17 year marriage. At least 3 of those escalated to a physical affair, I am not so sure that some of the others didn't as well I just have no proof. About a year ago we had another fight because I looked at his snapchat and found that he was messaging with a lot of women that I didn't know, even though I had asked him when he got snapchat to let me know who he was talking to. We had a huge fight, he let me delete anyone I wanted, all was well. But since then I've had an epiphany of sorts, I decided we could separate our FB and IG accounts and basically I just don't care who he talks to on any social media. If he's going to cheat, let him, I'll leave, done, I'm over trying to intervene and stop it. But now I find that I feel kind of checked out, like I'm just waiting for it to happen so I have a reason to leave, basically I've convinced myself that it's just a matter of time till it happens. I also found out that he talks to his friends (well they told me so not sure how loyal they are to him) about girls he'd like to have sex with. I also found out that he has added a lot of girls on snapchat since I last checked it and at least 2 of them he has been flirting incessantly with. He keeps saying I'm acting "suspicious" because I started dying my hair, and listening to different music and keeping my phone close at all times. I am talking to someone now, I guess that's my sign that I'm done with this marriage since before I never would have considered doing that. I don't think this marriage is worth saving anymore, but I'm scared to leave. Mostly, I don't want to have to share time with my kids. Is this worth saving or should we just call it what it is and be done? Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted September 19, 2018 Share Posted September 19, 2018 Well, he kept cheating because you let him. He knows there will be a fight and once all has calmed down, back on snapchat he goes. Should you end the marriage? Let's see - you don't want to see your kids part time but having everyone under the same roof while BOTH parents are cheating is better for the kids? The answer to your question is quite simple. Talk to a lawyer and then kick his sorry *ss to the curb. Good luck OP. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 19, 2018 Share Posted September 19, 2018 My spouse has had many emotional affairs over the course of our 17 year marriage. At least 3 of those escalated to a physical affair Look, I didn't read any more of your post than this. It's not time to end it now -- it was time to end it a long time ago! This guy is a serial cheater and will never be faithful to you. You can either accept a life of playing 2nd fiddle to whoever is his new squeeze of the month, or you can get rid and find someone who will respect you. The choice is yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 19, 2018 Share Posted September 19, 2018 But since then I've had an epiphany of sorts, I decided we could separate our FB and IG accounts and basically I just don't care who he talks to on any social media. If he's going to cheat, let him, I'll leave, done, I'm over trying to intervene and stop it. But now I find that I feel kind of checked out, like I'm just waiting for it to happen so I have a reason to leave, basically I've convinced myself that it's just a matter of time till it happens. I also found out that he talks to his friends (well they told me so not sure how loyal they are to him) about girls he'd like to have sex with. I also found out that he has added a lot of girls on snapchat since I last checked it and at least 2 of them he has been flirting incessantly with. How do you know what he's doing if you've turned your back on his social media accounts? confused1109, what do you know now that you didn't know the first 3+ times he cheated on you? And why lower yourself to his level by cheating on him on your way out the door? It's not that complicated. See a lawyer and get your life to a better place... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 19, 2018 Share Posted September 19, 2018 He's more than likely cheating, you are cheating too so yes it's time to call it quits. The kids will be happier being with parents who are happy. I'm sure they can feel your unhappiness as well as your husbands. Arguing all the time causes them stress. The first thing you need to do is talk to a lawyer to find out what will be ahead of you. If you maintain custody you will get child support. Do you work? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused1109 Posted September 20, 2018 Author Share Posted September 20, 2018 Yes, I work full time, but make much less than him. The kids are on my ins already. We don't fight, we just don't really talk either unless its about the kids, to the kids or about what plans/activities we have going on the next day. There is tension though, he feels me pulling away more and more, and I'm sure the kids have picked up on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 Yes, I work full time, but make much less than him. The kids are on my ins already. We don't fight, we just don't really talk either unless its about the kids, to the kids or about what plans/activities we have going on the next day. There is tension though, he feels me pulling away more and more, and I'm sure the kids have picked up on that. My parents had a lousy marriage. And in turn, sibling and I picked up horrible relationship lessons from them. Children thrive better with parents that are happily apart than with parents that are miserable together. I'm sure your kids are picking up and learning a lot more than just the current tension between the two of you. It's unfortunate that you will have to share time but you may have to make some sacrifices for the best interest of your children. He's cheating, you're cheating - game over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 My parents had a lousy marriage. And in turn, sibling and I picked up horrible relationship lessons from them. Children thrive better with parents that are happily apart than with parents that are miserable together. I'm sure your kids are picking up and learning a lot more than just the current tension between the two of you. It's unfortunate that you will have to share time but you may have to make some sacrifices for the best interest of your children. He's cheating, you're cheating - game over. So true Zahara! ... I have been shocked at how my parents' weird marriage problems crept up in my life ... Totally true!!!!!! ... Much better for the kids, i think, if a dysfunctional couple separates ... because even if the kids have pain, that's identifiable, clear pain. The problem with being around a dysfunctional household is you come to think crazy behavior is normal. Even if you intellectually figure out the behavior is not normal, you unfortunately have to adapt to it ... and that causes all kinds of problems later in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 So true Zahara! ... I have been shocked at how my parents' weird marriage problems crept up in my life ... Totally true!!!!!! ... Much better for the kids, i think, if a dysfunctional couple separates ... because even if the kids have pain, that's identifiable, clear pain. The problem with being around a dysfunctional household is you come to think crazy behavior is normal. Even if you intellectually figure out the behavior is not normal, you unfortunately have to adapt to it ... and that causes all kinds of problems later in life. Exactly. I am in my late 40's now and I sometimes have this conversation with my mother and only now she sees things from a different perspective. It's taken her that long. She regrets not leaving and having put us through the dysfunction but her reasoning was that she didn't want to break up the family. Unfortunately, it was already broken. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 So sorry OP, it does sound well past time to leave. Your children, do you want their spouses to treat them as yours does? (Or them to treat their spouses this way?) Show them how to handle this. Its not by putting up with this or waiting for the next time to catch him "red-handed". He has already been caught out (at least once, presumably 3) times , and each time he learned a bit about how he was caught and how do be better at hiding it the next time. I believe in second chances. But not 3rd, 4th, and 5th chances. "Mom they cheated on me again! It hurts so bad..." "Mom, I'm pretty sure they are cheating again, its so much pain... What do I do? I have no clear evidence this but I can tell its the whole thing over again and he hasn't really changed! What do I do Mom?" Well, if they asked you where would you tell them to start? If you were no longer around and this happened what would they have learned is the way to handle this? I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but it sounds from your first post deep down you know its time to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 It would be good to consider leaving if that bad. Your children will be affected. I stayed when I should have left and now I see things in my now-grown children that I think were caused by me staying and them living in a bad relationship. And now b/c my husband is trying too little too late and I am absolutely miserable and have no feelings left, I'm stuck bc I'd look like the bad person leaving. Do your kids a favor and leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Mardelis Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 It would be good to consider leaving if that bad. Your children will be affected. I stayed when I should have left and now I see things in my now-grown children that I think were caused by me staying and them living in a bad relationship. And now b/c my husband is trying too little too late and I am absolutely miserable and have no feelings left, I'm stuck bc I'd look like the bad person leaving. You're not stuck. Not if you're staying only because you think that people will "look at you like you're the bad guy". Your children are grown. They're probably very aware of the situation and aren't just going to write off their mother because she decided to finally leave. Especially if you sit down with them and explain why you decided to end the marriage. And if they don't understand and still blame you? So what. You don't deserve to live in misery because you're worried about being judged by your children, or other relatives, or friends. Link to post Share on other sites
OwenW72 Posted September 24, 2018 Share Posted September 24, 2018 OP, you clearly did not approve of him having those relationships, and there is no possibility he misunderstands that. He does it because he wants to and apparently up to now has been able to do so without repercussions. Judging from your tone and feelings at this stage, it is time to divorce. The question is just simply whether you have the communication and dialogue with your husband to be able to state clearly what you want that to look like. Either way you need to start planning for what you want that future to be for you and your kids, and prepare for the next steps. And don't have the affair. It might be an easy way to show him you have some agency in the marriage, but all it will do is make him feel like there is moral equivalency between how he and you handled yourselves. Get divorced and when you are ready you can then explore what it's like to be treated in a kind and loving way. But you will have to demand that up front the next time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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