To my ex

[M1128Y]

I haven't talked to my ex for about one month... I wrote this and I almost want to send it to her... but I don't think I will. Instead, I've posted it here.

 

"I saw you as a pillar in my life and a good friend. My best friend. I loved you. I even thought that we would have children together, which I now feel foolish to admit. What happened? I suspect that not even you know.

 

When we first talked and during the beginning of our relationship, I wasn’t myself. I’m not that pushy, belligerent, and creepy. I was still recovering from a past relationship; I was lonely and lacked confidence. So, I started trying on different hats to see what attracted women. I really was interested in you though. My attraction to you was genuine—but my behavior towards you wasn’t. I thought you were too interesting to slip away into Georgia, so I pushed and pursued. I don’t regret it. However, I don’t believe I was ever myself around you. I’m not that cocky or detached. Underneath, I’m a conflicted and sensitive person. You saw a bit of that at the end of our relationship and after.

 

I’m not sure why I treated you the way I did. I think I was trying to keep you at a distance because of how I was hurt in my last relationship. I don’t even know if this was a conscious decision on my part. Regardless, I utterly failed. I still became deeply attached to you. All I accomplished was making you feel unloved and unappreciated—and you got sick of it. I wish I had been more like myself when I was around you, not that I think that would have changed things, but because now I’ll never know what would have happened. More importantly, I would have at least made you feel loved, even if you didn’t love me back.

 

I still don’t understand what happened, especially from your perspective. Were you just using me as a temporary boyfriend until you found someone better? Are you unable to stay with one man past a certain amount of time? Did I blow it? Did you secretly despise me? Did you ever love me? Did you ever like me? These are some of the questions floating around in my head. It’s just baffling to me that you could be with me for so long: living with me, investing in me, planning with me, only to jettison me after interacting with a coworker of yours for a few months. Where was your communication? Where was your loyalty? Where was your honesty?

 

If you had broken up with me in a respectful manner, then it would have still hurt a lot, but now there are layers upon layers of pain. The pain of losing a friend. The pain of losing a girlfriend. The pain of being replaced. The pain of being in a relationship with you for so long with the possibility that you may have never wanted to be with me. The pain of you deceiving, using, and manipulating me while pursuing another man behind my back. The pain of knowing how little this breakup has affected your heart. Why? That’s what I keep asking myself and God. Words cannot express how much pain I feel.

 

It’s tragic. Being viscerally present with another person for years, only for it all to turn into mere memories, with no hope of a new one ever being formed. Then all those memories become old: eroding, cracking, and fragmenting, disappearing into the back of our minds. Becoming nothing more than a vanishing reflection inside the rear-view mirror of the present. What’s more, my belief that we were once connected on some deep level may have only been that: a belief. Once again, I ask, why?"

Edited September 19, 2018 by M1128Y

[Zahara]

Yes, do not send this to her. Treat this is a way to purge your feelings. You asked why? You'll never find answers within dysfunction.

 

Based on your past thread, someone like her will likely skim through and dismiss everything you wrote. The reaction that you would hope for which would likely be empathy, kindness and some level of understanding would be lost with her.

 

Keep working on moving past this and rebuilding your self-esteem. You lost it along the way. Try to focus forward.

[Happy Lemming]

Once again, I ask, why?"

 

What are you expecting to hear?? That you are a wonderful person, that she misses you and you were the best thing that ever happened to her, but she just can't see you any more?? Give me a break.

 

She is going to find the small things you did wrong and magnify them and make you out to be "Atilla the Hun"... Do you really need to be put down?? Do you really need someone telling you that you are a piece of dung?? Do you really need someone to tell you that you're pathetic?? Because that is what she would say to you if you force her to respond.

 

You are an expert at being you. I'm sure you were the best "you"; you could be and that wasn't good enough for her, so what else is there to do. There is someone out there that will like you for exactly who and what you are.

 

Personally, I never cared what reason a woman wanted to give me for breaking up with me. I knew it was going to mean, tainted and full of vitriol. I didn't need to hear that crap, so my internal mute kicks in and anything after "I don't want to see you any longer" is just white noise in my head. Moreover, I'm already heading for the door or hanging up the phone. I'm not giving her the satisfaction of wasting any more of my time, I'm looking for the next woman.

[d0nnivain]

It's good & hopefully cathartic that you wrote all that out. But as you concede in the letter, she doesn't have the answers. Do not send it to her.

[Vivir]

It reads like a thoughtful letter, and I hope you'll write out your feelings more as you move forward. Such writing can be healing for those of us who are hurting. But I also agree that you should not send it.

[Chassit]

It's probably advisable to listen to the other folks on this thread and not send it. But damn, I want to send it to my ex. Sounds like a carbon copy of my situation.