Miss Mojo - in need of relationship advice!!!

[chick]

hey...i was just reading your post about your 5 year relationship and i was hoping i could get some wise advice from a fellow Australian....(sorry its so long)

 

i have been in a very unhappy and rocky relationship for over two years now. i am only 18 and this is also my first serious boyfriend. he doesn't treat me very well and often puts me second best to everything else in his life, and i hate it. he often goes out with his workmates and his brothers until late but when it comes to spending time with me, he wants to stay home and always goes to bed early. he always gets invited to work dinners and parties and he tells me i can't go because its a "no partners" thing. this upsets me. it seems like he is losing interest. he isn't very trustworthy or honest - i have caught him out in a lie on more than one occasion. he used to treat me a lot worse, until we broke up and he came crawling back. he changed his ways for a while but now i can see him going back to the way he used to be. i don't feel that i deserve to be treated like #####. i have talked to him about all of this and nothing has changed.

 

going back three months, i would never have dreamed of breaking up with him. however, in the past few weeks, i have started to realise that he may not change. i really love him and we do have a good time when we are together, but i often cry and get upset because of the way he treats me. he can't understand and tells me i need to get a life and stop stressing so much. i don't necessarily trust him and constantly worry that he will cheat on me (as he has done before) and that he will leave me for someone else. i feel like i am being emotionally and mentally abused. he loves me in his own way but it is so obvious that he puts himself and his needs before mine. i would walk through fire for him and i can't say he would do the same. at this point, i just want to be with him - i don't want anyone else. i can't imagine my life without him. i know this sounds stupid but i can't stand the thought of him being with another girl. i just feel so unloved and i hate feeling like i am just there when its convenient for him. i guess i just keep hoping that he will change and that one day he will see how unhappy i am and will do something about it. just when i get so fed up with him that i want to break up, he goes and does something nice and i change my mind. i hate being happy one minute and crying the next. all of my friends have boyfriends and so it is easy to see how i could end up feeling very lonely if i didn't have him. i am scared of being on my own and staying home every night! he is pushing me away from being involved in his life - he doesn't include me in anything. he has always told me that he wants to marry me and that he only works so much so that we can have a financially secure future - but last week he turns around and tells me he never wants to get married and he doesn't even intend to live with me. one minute he tells me he will change for me and he is actually quite sorry but the next minute he tells me if i can't accept him as he is to find someone better. he can't understand why i get so upset. i am a little over emotional but sometimes i just get so fed up. he really can't see how much i care for him - he takes me for granted and i know that i am just too available to him. i feel like after everything i have put up with in two years that i deserve a bit more respect. sometimes he is just such an a**h*** and talks to me so badly its like i don't even know him. i don't like feeling like this but i don't want to let him go. i genuinely love him and care about him. i often try to remember the good times and the good things he has done for me so that i can block out the bad times. i know if i broke up with him, he would come crying back - why do guys do this???

 

THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING!

 

i am in a really difficult situation. do you think he will ever change? should i just chill out a bit more and stop worrying so much? as i said, we have a good time together and we have plenty of good memories and i don't just want to let it all go. have you ever felt like this at all? can you understand where i am coming from?

 

any advice would be appreciated.

 

thanks in advance :-)

[Miss Mojo]

hi fellow aussie chick

 

you wrote: "do you understand where i am coming from"?

 

whoahhhhhh, you betcha i do. your post is virtually a carbon copy of my relationship with my first boyfriend. so many of the things you wrote remind me so much of myself at your age. i'll go into these further on....

 

like your relationship, mine was very rocky and unhappy for the most part. as i mentioned previously, the first 6 months were really great - he was very attentive, thoughtful, fun to be with, and we never fought. he also had an alcohol problem very well hidden. anyhow, when things started to go wrong, i found it very hard to deal with. i kept wondering, "what's happened to this great guy i met??". i was constantly living in hope that he would become the person i met. but the funny thing is, the person i met, was NOT the real him, that's why i could not change him because the a**hole he became, was who he was (and more than likely, still is).

 

this guy had me dangling on a string for about 4 years - because i let him do that to me. i was up and down like a yo-yo, on a rollercoaster ride...think of any analogy that best describes something unstable, and that was where i was.

 

cc (carbon copy) example 1:

 

he doesn't treat me very well and often puts me second best to everything else in his life, and i hate it. he often goes out with his workmates and his brothers until late but when it comes to spending time with me, he wants to stay home and always goes to bed early.

 

second best will never change. i was second best for around 4 years.....what a naive fool i was to think it would change. if i were to suggest we go out somewhere, he would always be non-committal...because he was waiting for other plans to come up....if i was sick or upset, he wouldn't go out of his way to cheer me up.....he wouldn't even to commit to plans i'd make for my birthday. in my situation, i was roughly fourth best - equal 1st was him and his alcohol, 2nd was his child, 3rd was his mates, and i would have been about 4th.

 

i know how it feels to be put in second (or fourth) place, and unfortunately, it's because you are second place to other things in his life. this can be a very hard realisation to come to, but sometimes the truth can be very hard to digest. please understand that if you weren't second best, you wouldn't be feeling this way, and he would be making time for you. a perfect example of that is my last boyfriend and i - he had so much time for me, and treated me like a girlfriend should be treated.

 

cc example 2:

 

he always gets invited to work dinners and parties and he tells me i can't go because its a "no partners" thing. this upsets me. it seems like he is losing interest.

 

yeah, i know that one all too well. he went to about 4 weddings and umpteen parties without me. he had the nerve to invite me to an engagement party and then (i found out some years later), he asked for me to be scrapped from the wedding invitation. i was totally humiliated and hurt. his excuse was always the same "but there are no couples there". i knew that was bulls***, and i would tell him....but i still wasn't invited. i mean, have you *ever* been to a party or a function where there are no couples (except for singles dances!!)???? honestly, i finally realised that the comment, "there are no partners going", really meant "i want to go without you because i want to look single".

 

cc example 3:

 

he isn't very trustworthy or honest - i have caught him

 

out in a lie on more than one occasion. he used to treat me a lot worse, until we broke up and he came crawling back. he changed his ways for a while but now i can see him going back to the way he used to be.

 

hmmmm....if you lived in sydney i'd wonder if your boyfriend is my ex, i really would. the fact that he treats you like crap and comes crawling back is a blow to the ego that for a very short while, as you described, makes them see the error of their ways. but as you also said, it doesn't take long until they are back into their old routine....they can't pretend to be someone they're not for too long. it's only natural to slip back into who you are naturally....i liken it to a brunette going blonde, wanting to stay blonde for a while, then the natural dark roots show through (that is such a crappy analogy...it's late i know!!). but do you understand where i'm coming from??? i lost count of the amount of times i put my foot down and said, "i'm not putting up with your crap anymore!". he would be really hurt, come crawling back and sure things were great for about a month, but then he would just become himself again....and the more chances i gave him, the more i thought, "hey, he's tried to change, i've seen it...maybe it will all be better from now on". you are being dishonest to yourself if you think you can change a person, because you cannot. and nothing you do or say will change him either. it's a vicious circle, chick. it really is.

 

i don't feel that i deserve to be treated like #####. i have talked to him about all of this and nothing has changed.

 

you are right. you DON'T deserve to be treated like this. you don't deserve it AT ALL!!!! you could talk until you lose your voice, you can talk until you're blue in the face, but nothing you say will change him, because you can't change what is permanent.

 

going back three months, i would never have dreamed of breaking up with him. however, in the past few weeks, i have started to realise that he may not change.

 

you said it....99% chance that he won't change. i can guarantee that he knows damn well how he is treating you, but he doesn't hold your relationship with him, or your feelings, in high enough regard to realise that he needs to treat you better.

 

cc example 4:

 

i really love him and we do have a good time when we are together, but i often cry and get upset because of the way he treats me.

 

it's like a catch 22 situation. your head versus your heart and so on. it's very painful, and i cried rivers over this guy (in hindsight, i have no idea why i cried over someone who was so indifferent to my feelings). i lost heaps of weight, i was on the verge of a nervous breakdown...i was a mess. people used to tell me i was strong to put up with him. NO - i was a pissweak idiot! i let this guy put me through absolute hell and back. i was in one hell of a rut.

 

i think in a situation like this, having good times with them comes to mean *SO* much, that when you do have them, it's an ultimate high compared to the crap that is usually dished out. it's like hanging in there to get just one small hit of a good time...and when you do get it, it feels amazing because they don't happen as often as they should. this is generally a HUGE trap that people fall in when they are in situations like this. i lived for those highs and when i had them, i was subconciously kidding myself that i was in a relationship with potential.

 

he can't understand and tells me i need to get a life and stop stressing so much.

 

this is his way of not wanting to deal with you. he's brushing your feelings aside because he doesn't want it to be his problem....yet again, i know that feeling. it really hurts. i used to get this line: "i don't want to listen to what you have to say". god, i can't believe i put up that.

 

you'd have a much better life if you got him out of yours.

 

i don't necessarily trust him and constantly worry that

 

he will cheat on me (as he has done before) and that he will leave me for someone else.

 

yeah, i can relate to that. i was cheated on (once that i'm aware of). after i found out, it made sense why he always went to parties, functions, bars etc without me.

 

i feel like i am being emotionally and mentally abused.

 

it sounds to me like you are...but don't forget that you are also putting yourself in the situation where you are letting him emotionally abuse you. with guys like this, head games are their specialty. for instance, he used to criticise my clothes and my looks and compare me to other girls, yet many people have suggested i do modelling. i began to see myself as an unattractive, ugly person. i was placed in the top 10% of my uni course in my first (and only!) year of study, and he would call me 'stupid'....i was stupid...stupid to stay with him. my ex got off on it. used to tell me he'd get off the grog and marry me oneday....god forbid.

 

he loves me in his own way but it is so obvious that he puts himself and his needs before mine. i would walk through fire for him and i can't say he would do the same. at this point, i just want to be with him - i don't want anyone else.

 

you don't want to be with anyone else because:

 

a) you probably don't know what it's like to have a serious relationship with someone else;

 

b) you are used to him;

 

c) he is your first love, your first experience of something deep and it is always hard to let go.

 

you know, i was *convinced* i was in love with this guy, but now i realise i wasn't. i loved what i wanted him to be. i loved the person he was when we met, which unfortunately was a temporary VERSION of him, who wanted to impress.

 

i can't imagine my life without him. i know this sounds stupid but i can't stand the thought of him being with another girl.

 

that was the one thing that held me back for so long. i used to make myself physically sick over it, and the thought of him with someone else used to rip me apart....now the thought of him with someone else makes me snicker....how glad i am that i am not that girl!!

 

i just feel so unloved and i hate feeling like i am just there when its convenient for him. i guess i just keep hoping that he will change and that one day he will see

 

how unhappy i am and will do something about it.

 

CONVENIENT - that's the key word here. are the things you do as a couple based on what HE wants, when HE wants...are they all based around him, him, him??? i wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if they are.

 

just when i get so fed up with him that i want to break up, he goes and does something nice and i change my mind. i hate being happy one minute and crying the next.

 

the vicious circle as described above....stop living for those highs. he is capable of being nice to you, and he's probably the kind of guy that a lot of people like....but as a boyfriend, he's about as useful as tits on a bull (pardon the crass expression). some people are really great people, but terrible as partners. i know some guys who i value highly as friends, but the way they treat their girlfriends makes me cringe.

 

all of my friends have boyfriends and so it is easy to see how i could end up feeling very lonely if i didn't have him. i am scared of being on my own and staying home every night!

 

you've really put yourself in a position where you've become so insecure. when i broke up with my ex, i was the only single girl among my group of friends....seeing happy couples hurt me so much, because i so desperately wanted that with my ex, and no one else. but my girlfriends were great company, and their boyfriends had friends..... i didn't date anyone for a good 8-9 months later, but i used that time alone to work on myself and do things for myself. i travelled, i didn't have anything to worry about anymore, i cut off all contact with him, i got my self-esteem back....i had never felt so content within myself before. and then i met a really, really wonderful guy (through my friends) and had a great relationship for a while. we're not together anymore, but for the first time, i found out what it was like to be treated so great, and for the first time, i have great memories of a relationship.

 

he is pushing me away from being involved in his life - he doesn't include me in anything. he has always told me that he wants to marry me and that he only works so much so that we can have a financially secure future - but last week he turns around and tells me he never wants to get married and he doesn't even intend to live with me. one minute he tells me he will change for me and he is actually

 

quite sorry but the next minute he tells me if i can't accept him as he is to find someone better.

 

i hate to say it, but this guy IS pushing you away from him. he's playing head games and trying to get across a message that he doesn't have the guts to say himself....you shouldn't have to accept him as he is, and i would take his advice and go and find someone better. he's at the bottom of the food chain.

 

i don't like feeling like this but i don't want to let him go. i genuinely love him and care about him. i often try to remember the good times and the good things he has done for me so that i can block out the bad times.

 

i know this will sound crazy, but what you want to do is remember the bad times so you can find the courage to break up with him. please don't hang on to pipe dreams. this guy is a health hazard, i'm being serious. if he never met you, he would be with some other girl now treating her EXACTLY the same way he is treating you now. it's just who he is.

 

if you could look at your relationship with him as an outsider, you would see how unhealthy this is and how it will never go anywhere but downhill.

 

i know if i broke up with him, he would come crying back - why do guys do this???

 

egos can really get injured!!!! of course he has feelings for you, but a lot of it is also what he is used to and what is CONVENIENT. i fell for the "i love you and miss you" spiel one too many times, yet nothing ever changed for the better....don't worry about him for once. he doesn't have your best interests at heart, so why should you have his?

 

i am in a really difficult situation. do you think he will ever change? should i just chill out a bit more and stop worrying so much? as i said, we have a good time together and we have plenty of good memories and i don't just want to let it all go.

 

it's actually not as difficult as you would think. i thought exactly the same myself when i was in your shoes. the hardest thing i ever did in my life was to walk away from my ex....he was an a**hole who had feelings for me, who i had feelings for, and it was a tormenting decision at the time....but it was unbelievably liberating too. it took me a while to get over it, but let me tell you, things will go around in circles for years and years. he won't change unless he has a lobotomy.

 

have you ever felt like this at all? can you understand where i am coming from?

 

yes....you are basically living my life from 18-23. i understand everything you are feeling and i urge you, while you are young, to walk away from him, feel the pain, then feel the joy that will come from this experience. you will be unbelievably surprised at how it will strengthen you and what you can learn from it.

 

trust me, i am a girl who tends to get in way too deep, feels way too much, yet has been able to come out of the battle 10 times stronger than i ever thought i would. if little miss emotional me can do it, i sincerely believe *anyone* can....don't EVER sell yourself short.

 

heck, this is an enormous post. i hope i was able to help if you want to e-mail me, my address is <e-mail address removed>

 

good luck, and be strong

 

p.s. a great line from a song (tlc - unpretty) is "maybe get rid of you, and then i'll get back to me". very poignant in the context of the song.

[chick]

wow....that was a long one!

 

you have no idea how good it is to know that i'm not the only one who has ever felt like this. all i ever see is my friends and workmates and their perfect relationships and they are so happy all the time, and i wonder what i ever did to deserve a bad relationship....i know i am not a bad person, i get along well with people, but of course my boyfriend thinks i am nothing short of a bitch because i am always moody and upset around him. i am tired of having to face the world with a brave face and pretend like nothing is wrong and our relationship is fine....only my best friend knows everything that goes on and she isn't much use....her relationship is even worse than mine!!! in a way, i am too scared to admit to people that my relationship has failed....i would have a lot of people say "i told you so" (he had a very bad rep before i was with him). what you said was right....he is a generally good person and is very likeable....always the life of the party, but he isn't very good as a partner. so when i see the way he is around other people and how well he gets along with others, i think that maybe there is something wrong with me, not him, if you know what i mean. but they don't see what goes on behind closed doors.

 

anyhow, you have given me a lot to think about....admittedly i cried when i read your post. i'm sure you already know this but it will take a lot of courage for me to break up with him for good. its so easy for people to say "get rid of him, you can do better". i know the sooner i do it, the better, but its hard (i'm sure i don't need to tell you that though!)

 

thank you soooooo much, hope i didn't take up too much of your time!!! i might take you up on your email offer if you don't mind. i can't believe i have poured my heart out to a total stranger!!! thanks again.

 

ps. don't tell me you are also a fellow Italian (judging by your surname in your email address!)

[Miss Mojo]

hey chick,

 

i am so sorry that you got upset when you read my post, but i do think that most upsetting part in a situation like this, having been there myself, is the realisation of what kind of relationship you're in. it's bloody heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, difficult etc....sorry

 

but can i just tell you one thing that is so important for you to understand - the way he is behaving has *nothing* to do with you as a person. i too, felt that with my ex it was something to do with me. my self-esteem (if you could measure such a thing out of 100), would have gone from around 85, down to -185. my best friend used to tell me that she had never seen me so down on myself in her life. i used to pick apart everything i did, wondering where i went wrong. but you know what?? the only thing i did wrong, was to stay with him. now, 2.5 years down the track, i cannot believe i put up with it. i know part of the reason i put up with it was because it was my first relationship and i didn't have the faintest idea how to handle it. but as much as building up the courage to break it off with tore me apart, and as heartbreaking as it was to break up with him, it was the day that became the first day of the rest of my life (very corny i know, but it's true). i went home and sobbed like a baby. i was so upset for a while, but then (hehe, don't laugh), i made a little tape of inspirational songs for myself...."i will survive" (cake's version is better), "insensitive" (joan arden), "you keep me hanging on" (kim wilde)....i think you get the drift. but they were all songs that made me realise it was the best thing to leave him, and that i'm not alone...you see, i felt *soooo* alone after i broke up with him (especially because all my friends were in good relationships). it really cheered me up and helped me get angry, which helped me start to heal.

 

like you, my friends "told me so". they were telling me so for years, and my best friend actually confided to me recently that she used to get so angry sitting by and watching me torture myself in that relationship.

 

anyway, this will end up being a humungous post again, so i'd be happy if you want to write to me if you need someone to talk to and someone to help you through this

 

by the way, i'm actually of german descent, but i'm actually taking italian classes now....i'll explain my surname when you write to me....long story!!

 

best wishes and warm hugs

 

mm.

[shanti]

He Miss Mojo,

 

I felt so enlightened when I read your long response to this girl regarding her problem. I have a similar problem and I am aware of it already. However, it would just be nice to kind of talk to someone who has been through it herself, and perhaps you could even motivate me a bit. It is so easy to fall back into the old patterns. I am sure you went through those phases before ending it completely with your ex.

 

Well, I was wondering if it would be ok for me to write to your e-mail address. Figured I´d ask first, since it would be pretty disrespectful to invade your space without doing so.

 

Well, let me know, and then maybe we could chat a bit...

 

Shanti

hi fellow aussie chick you wrote: "do you understand where i am coming from"? whoahhhhhh, you betcha i do. your post is virtually a carbon copy of my relationship with my first boyfriend. so many of the things you wrote remind me so much of myself at your age. i'll go into these further on.... like your relationship, mine was very rocky and unhappy for the most part. as i mentioned previously, the first 6 months were really great - he was very attentive, thoughtful, fun to be with, and we never fought. he also had an alcohol problem very well hidden. anyhow, when things started to go wrong, i found it very hard to deal with. i kept wondering, "what's happened to this great guy i met??". i was constantly living in hope that he would become the person i met. but the funny thing is, the person i met, was NOT the real him, that's why i could not change him because the a**hole he became, was who he was (and more than likely, still is). this guy had me dangling on a string for about 4 years - because i let him do that to me. i was up and down like a yo-yo, on a rollercoaster ride...think of any analogy that best describes something unstable, and that was where i was.

 

cc (carbon copy) example 1: he doesn't treat me very well and often puts me second best to everything else in his life, and i hate it. he often goes out with his workmates and his brothers until late but when it comes to spending time with me, he wants to stay home and always goes to bed early. second best will never change. i was second best for around 4 years.....what a naive fool i was to think it would change. if i were to suggest we go out somewhere, he would always be non-committal...because he was waiting for other plans to come up....if i was sick or upset, he wouldn't go out of his way to cheer me up.....he wouldn't even to commit to plans i'd make for my birthday. in my situation, i was roughly fourth best - equal 1st was him and his alcohol, 2nd was his child, 3rd was his mates, and i would have been about 4th. i know how it feels to be put in second (or fourth) place, and unfortunately, it's because you are second place to other things in his life. this can be a very hard realisation to come to, but sometimes the truth can be very hard to digest. please understand that if you weren't second best, you wouldn't be feeling this way, and he would be making time for you. a perfect example of that is my last boyfriend and i - he had so much time for me, and treated me like a girlfriend should be treated. cc example 2: he always gets invited to work dinners and parties and he tells me i can't go because its a "no partners" thing. this upsets me. it seems like he is losing interest. yeah, i know that one all too well. he went to about 4 weddings and umpteen parties without me. he had the nerve to invite me to an engagement party and then (i found out some years later), he asked for me to be scrapped from the wedding invitation. i was totally humiliated and hurt. his excuse was always the same "but there are no couples there". i knew that was bulls***, and i would tell him....but i still wasn't invited. i mean, have you *ever* been to a party or a function where there are no couples (except for singles dances!!)???? honestly, i finally realised that the comment, "there are no partners going", really meant "i want to go without you because i want to look single". cc example 3: he isn't very trustworthy or honest - i have caught him out in a lie on more than one occasion. he used to treat me a lot worse, until we broke up and he came crawling back. he changed his ways for a while but now i can see him going back to the way he used to be. hmmmm....if you lived in sydney i'd wonder if your boyfriend is my ex, i really would. the fact that he treats you like crap and comes crawling back is a blow to the ego that for a very short while, as you described, makes them see the error of their ways. but as you also said, it doesn't take long until they are back into their old routine....they can't pretend to be someone they're not for too long. it's only natural to slip back into who you are naturally....i liken it to a brunette going blonde, wanting to stay blonde for a while, then the natural dark roots show through (that is such a crappy analogy...it's late i know!!). but do you understand where i'm coming from??? i lost count of the amount of times i put my foot down and said, "i'm not putting up with your crap anymore!". he would be really hurt, come crawling back and sure things were great for about a month, but then he would just become himself again....and the more chances i gave him, the more i thought, "hey, he's tried to change, i've seen it...maybe it will all be better from now on". you are being dishonest to yourself if you think you can change a person, because you cannot. and nothing you do or say will change him either. it's a vicious circle, chick. it really is. i don't feel that i deserve to be treated like #####. i have talked to him about all of this and nothing has changed. you are right. you DON'T deserve to be treated like this. you don't deserve it AT ALL!!!! you could talk until you lose your voice, you can talk until you're blue in the face, but nothing you say will change him, because you can't change what is permanent. going back three months, i would never have dreamed of breaking up with him. however, in the past few weeks, i have started to realise that he may not change. you said it....99% chance that he won't change. i can guarantee that he knows damn well how he is treating you, but he doesn't hold your relationship with him, or your feelings, in high enough regard to realise that he needs to treat you better.

 

cc example 4: i really love him and we do have a good time when we are together, but i often cry and get upset because of the way he treats me. it's like a catch 22 situation. your head versus your heart and so on. it's very painful, and i cried rivers over this guy (in hindsight, i have no idea why i cried over someone who was so indifferent to my feelings). i lost heaps of weight, i was on the verge of a nervous breakdown...i was a mess. people used to tell me i was strong to put up with him. NO - i was a pissweak idiot! i let this guy put me through absolute hell and back. i was in one hell of a rut. i think in a situation like this, having good times with them comes to mean *SO* much, that when you do have them, it's an ultimate high compared to the crap that is usually dished out. it's like hanging in there to get just one small hit of a good time...and when you do get it, it feels amazing because they don't happen as often as they should. this is generally a HUGE trap that people fall in when they are in situations like this. i lived for those highs and when i had them, i was subconciously kidding myself that i was in a relationship with potential. he can't understand and tells me i need to get a life and stop stressing so much. this is his way of not wanting to deal with you. he's brushing your feelings aside because he doesn't want it to be his problem....yet again, i know that feeling. it really hurts. i used to get this line: "i don't want to listen to what you have to say". god, i can't believe i put up that. you'd have a much better life if you got him out of yours. i don't necessarily trust him and constantly worry that he will cheat on me (as he has done before) and that he will leave me for someone else. yeah, i can relate to that. i was cheated on (once that i'm aware of). after i found out, it made sense why he always went to parties, functions, bars etc without me. i feel like i am being emotionally and mentally abused. it sounds to me like you are...but don't forget that you are also putting yourself in the situation where you are letting him emotionally abuse you. with guys like this, head games are their specialty. for instance, he used to criticise my clothes and my looks and compare me to other girls, yet many people have suggested i do modelling. i began to see myself as an unattractive, ugly person. i was placed in the top 10% of my uni course in my first (and only!) year of study, and he would call me 'stupid'....i was stupid...stupid to stay with him. my ex got off on it. used to tell me he'd get off the grog and marry me oneday....god forbid. he loves me in his own way but it is so obvious that he puts himself and his needs before mine. i would walk through fire for him and i can't say he would do the same. at this point, i just want to be with him - i don't want anyone else. you don't want to be with anyone else because:

 

a) you probably don't know what it's like to have a serious relationship with someone else;

 

b) you are used to him; c) he is your first love, your first experience of something deep and it is always hard to let go. you know, i was *convinced* i was in love with this guy, but now i realise i wasn't. i loved what i wanted him to be. i loved the person he was when we met, which unfortunately was a temporary VERSION of him, who wanted to impress. i can't imagine my life without him. i know this sounds stupid but i can't stand the thought of him being with another girl. that was the one thing that held me back for so long. i used to make myself physically sick over it, and the thought of him with someone else used to rip me apart....now the thought of him with someone else makes me snicker....how glad i am that i am not that girl!! i just feel so unloved and i hate feeling like i am just there when its convenient for him. i guess i just keep hoping that he will change and that one day he will see how unhappy i am and will do something about it. CONVENIENT - that's the key word here. are the things you do as a couple based on what HE wants, when HE wants...are they all based around him, him, him??? i wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if they are. just when i get so fed up with him that i want to break up, he goes and does something nice and i change my mind. i hate being happy one minute and crying the next. the vicious circle as described above....stop living for those highs. he is capable of being nice to you, and he's probably the kind of guy that a lot of people like....but as a boyfriend, he's about as useful as tits on a bull (pardon the crass expression). some people are really great people, but terrible as partners. i know some guys who i value highly as friends, but the way they treat their girlfriends makes me cringe.

 

all of my friends have boyfriends and so it is easy to see how i could end up feeling very lonely if i didn't have him. i am scared of being on my own and staying home every night! you've really put yourself in a position where you've become so insecure. when i broke up with my ex, i was the only single girl among my group of friends....seeing happy couples hurt me so much, because i so desperately wanted that with my ex, and no one else. but my girlfriends were great company, and their boyfriends had friends..... i didn't date anyone for a good 8-9 months later, but i used that time alone to work on myself and do things for myself. i travelled, i didn't have anything to worry about anymore, i cut off all contact with him, i got my self-esteem back....i had never felt so content within myself before. and then i met a really, really wonderful guy (through my friends) and had a great relationship for a while. we're not together anymore, but for the first time, i found out what it was like to be treated so great, and for the first time, i have great memories of a relationship. he is pushing me away from being involved in his life - he doesn't include me in anything. he has always told me that he wants to marry me and that he only works so much so that we can have a financially secure future - but last week he turns around and tells me he never wants to get married and he doesn't even intend to live with me. one minute he tells me he will change for me and he is actually quite sorry but the next minute he tells me if i can't accept him as he is to find someone better. i hate to say it, but this guy IS pushing you away from him. he's playing head games and trying to get across a message that he doesn't have the guts to say himself....you shouldn't have to accept him as he is, and i would take his advice and go and find someone better. he's at the bottom of the food chain. i don't like feeling like this but i don't want to let him go. i genuinely love him and care about him. i often try to remember the good times and the good things he has done for me so that i can block out the bad times. i know this will sound crazy, but what you want to do is remember the bad times so you can find the courage to break up with him. please don't hang on to pipe dreams. this guy is a health hazard, i'm being serious. if he never met you, he would be with some other girl now treating her EXACTLY the same way he is treating you now. it's just who he is. if you could look at your relationship with him as an outsider, you would see how unhealthy this is and how it will never go anywhere but downhill. i know if i broke up with him, he would come crying back - why do guys do this??? egos can really get injured!!!! of course he has feelings for you, but a lot of it is also what he is used to and what is CONVENIENT. i fell for the "i love you and miss you" spiel one too many times, yet nothing ever changed for the better....don't worry about him for once. he doesn't have your best interests at heart, so why should you have his? i am in a really difficult situation. do you think he will ever change? should i just chill out a bit more and stop worrying so much? as i said, we have a good time together and we have plenty of good memories and i don't just want to let it all go. it's actually not as difficult as you would think. i thought exactly the same myself when i was in your shoes. the hardest thing i ever did in my life was to walk away from my ex....he was an a**hole who had feelings for me, who i had feelings for, and it was a tormenting decision at the time....but it was unbelievably liberating too. it took me a while to get over it, but let me tell you, things will go around in circles for years and years. he won't change unless he has a lobotomy. have you ever felt like this at all? can you understand where i am coming from? yes....you are basically living my life from 18-23. i understand everything you are feeling and i urge you, while you are young, to walk away from him, feel the pain, then feel the joy that will come from this experience. you will be unbelievably surprised at how it will strengthen you and what you can learn from it. trust me, i am a girl who tends to get in way too deep, feels way too much, yet has been able to come out of the battle 10 times stronger than i ever thought i would. if little miss emotional me can do it, i sincerely believe *anyone* can....don't EVER sell yourself short. heck, this is an enormous post. i hope i was able to help if you want to e-mail me, my address is <e-mail address removed> good luck, and be strong p.s. a great line from a song (tlc - unpretty) is "maybe get rid of you, and then i'll get back to me". very poignant in the context of the song.

[Miss Mojo]

hi shanti,

 

my e-mail is <e-mail address removed>

 

....yes, i was on a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows for far too long....fell into many of the old patterns, and was naive and too hopeful for my own good. i was very scared of getting hurt (i was hurting myself by staying with him).

 

anyhow, feel free to e-mail me

He Miss Mojo, I felt so enlightened when I read your long response to this girl regarding her problem. I have a similar problem and I am aware of it already. However, it would just be nice to kind of talk to someone who has been through it herself, and perhaps you could even motivate me a bit. It is so easy to fall back into the old patterns. I am sure you went through those phases before ending it completely with your ex. Well, I was wondering if it would be ok for me to write to your e-mail address. Figured I´d ask first, since it would be pretty disrespectful to invade your space without doing so. Well, let me know, and then maybe we could chat a bit... Shanti