Going from A to R timeline

[ABernie]

Hello all,

 

I am in the middle of going from A to R.

 

I am/was MW, but a week after A started, I asked for a divorce (it was 3+ years in making. Very amicable, we just grew apart sexually, something that was very important for my H).

 

He is MM and took 1-2 months to ask for divorce. Actually BS brought up first (also years in the making). But now that BS found out about A (he told her - thought it would make divorce easier - don't ask), it has been ugly. There is a lot for them to sort out (kids, finances, etc) and I'm trying to be patient, but it's so hard. I'm trying to give them the space they need to sort this out and all the details.

 

My separation was so easy and friendly, so I'm hoping to get insight from others.

 

 

Also, I do want to note that I am fully aware that anything can change, especially with the MM as AP. I'm hopeful, but trying to remain cautious.

 

TIA so much.

[imsosad]

How long has your affair been going on?

Are you and your AP in love?

My affair transitioned in to a relationship, but we were NC when he moved out, but together when I divorced.

Can you be more specific about the things that are troubling you?

Are you unsure how serious he is?

Are you feeling left out? Are you feeling like you're a part of something you're not supposed to? Is he stressed and it's affecting your relationship?

Some divorces are very messy and take a long time.

I know that the textbook advice is to seperate while he sorts out his business and when you're both available, resume contact and see if you want to be together.

While it seems like the rational choice, I don't know an affair couple that managed it.

Based on the little you wrote, I think that you can try and be supportive by listening, but not intervening and taking an active part in this. Just to be there for him.

Is he living at thr marital home?

I will have better insight with more information.

Good luck, it's a hard road to navigate.

[niteandfog]

This is pretty similar to what I had. And now I'm liviy with exAp now fiance. Happy to tell you how it went for me

[stillafool]

Did you and your exH have kids, property and finances to sort out?

 

Is his wife now deciding she doesn't want the divorce?

 

Do they have property to sell?

 

What is the hold up?

[carhill]

Encourage him to do what's best for his life, offer a constancy of support but leave the divorce stuff to him and step back from the process.

 

One MW I knew well dealt with this process for nearly ten years while both she and her MM unwound their marriages, businesses and child-stuff (him more than her as hers were adults). They've been together a total of twenty years coming up end of this year. She has three grandchildren. His kids are in college. Life goes on.

[ABernie]

How long has your affair been going on?

 

10 months

EA first 2 months

PA 8 months

 

Are you and your AP in love?

Yes. We have both expressed it. He was actually first and more. Yet, I have read many threads and understand the need to be realistic, hence my first post.

 

Can you be more specific about the things that are troubling you?

It's so selfish. It's the LC and now practically NC. The addiction is real. It's really making me crazy. I have trouble functioning at work and I don't eat anymore. I dropped 20 pounds.

 

Are you unsure how serious he is?

Are you feeling left out?

Are you feeling like you're a part of something you're not supposed to?

Is he stressed and it's affecting your relationship?

Is he living at the marital home?

 

I was pretty sure on his seriousness (he was always more than I was - talked about future plans, marriage, retirement, etc), but from what I read in the other threads is that it's quite possible for people to have a change of heart when faced with divorce/losing kids.

 

His BS does not work, so finances are going to be difficult. She found out that he had not gone NC immediately, so she is monitoring everything and lashing out (I am really trying to put myself in her place and I understand the anger behind her actions). Her first contact with me, she wrote about divorce. Now we don't have a way to communicate. So while my gut says, stay the course/give him time to sort through this, the NC is killing me. But I can't imagine he would reconcile without giving me a heads up. It's the opposite of what he said the first 6 weeks after DD. And I asked often about it.

 

He's incredibly stressed. It's not affecting our relationship that he takes it out on me in anyway. He's quite the opposite, he retreats inward. But still, after DDay, continued to express his love to me and desire to move forward. He's never said a mean or unkind word to me.

 

He is still living in the home. He wants to spend as much time with the kids as possible, but his first plan was to go to his parents for the immediate short term. He wants kids to stay in the house.

 

Right before his BS-imposed NC, he recognizes the limbo I am in, and has promised not to keep me in it much longer. He says he cannot take much more and that everything is almost over. I just don't know how long that is.

[ABernie]

Did you and your exH have kids, property and finances to sort out?

 

Is his wife now deciding she doesn't want the divorce?

 

Do they have property to sell?

 

What is the hold up?

 

We both have kids in the 7-13 range. My STBX is still living with me as well, but we are 100% separated, went through divorce counseling and all, we just haven't filed yet because I wanted to get the mortgage approval first and then file.

 

His wife blamed the divorce on me. I don't know if she has changed her mind though.

 

He wants kids to stay in house, so no selling the house.

 

Hold-up is that he doesn't want to leave the kids and they had a family trip planned next month.

[ABernie]

This is pretty similar to what I had. And now I'm liviy with exAp now fiance. Happy to tell you how it went for me

 

What was your timeline like?

[ABernie]

Encourage him to do what's best for his life, offer a constancy of support but leave the divorce stuff to him and step back from the process.

 

One MW I knew well dealt with this process for nearly ten years while both she and her MM unwound their marriages, businesses and child-stuff (him more than her as hers were adults). They've been together a total of twenty years coming up end of this year. She has three grandchildren. His kids are in college. Life goes on.

 

Yes, I have told him that it's not appropriate for me to get involved, b/c I am biased.

 

I would wait the 9 years until all kids are in college if his BS agreed to some sort of open marriage (which I think is highly unlikely).

 

My one friend that I confide all this to says her father married his AP and her old neighbor as well.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

His BS does not work, so finances are going to be difficult. She found out that he had not gone NC immediately, so she is monitoring everything and lashing out (I am really trying to put myself in her place and I understand the anger behind her actions). Her first contact with me, she wrote about divorce. Now we don't have a way to communicate. So while my gut says, stay the course/give him time to sort through this, the NC is killing me. But I can't imagine he would reconcile without giving me a heads up. It's the opposite of what he said the first 6 weeks after DD. And I asked often about it.

 

He's incredibly stressed. It's not affecting our relationship that he takes it out on me in anyway. He's quite the opposite, he retreats inward. But still, after DDay, continued to express his love to me and desire to move forward. He's never said a mean or unkind word to me.

 

He is still living in the home. He wants to spend as much time with the kids as possible, but his first plan was to go to his parents for the immediate short term. He wants kids to stay in the house.

 

Right before his BS-imposed NC, he recognizes the limbo I am in, and has promised not to keep me in it much longer. He says he cannot take much more and that everything is almost over. I just don't know how long that is.

 

I say this based on my own experiences and from all I read on this board - people separating typically do not still go on a family vacation.

 

Men also make all the promises in the world while they hedge their bets. He's telling you that everything is almost over but yet he is living there, going NC with you to appease his wife and still going on his family vacation?

 

These are bad signs. Also, do not believe for a second that he would tell you if he was going to reconcile with his wife. He will easily let you crash and burn.

 

You need to look out for yourself. You say you did not file for divorce yet. How was your marriage before the affair?

[imsosad]

I feel your pain.

Affairs can get so messy and crazy, it's hard to keep calm and function.

My AP and I went through our divorces almost three years ago. It was a very difficult time for us both, but we've been together and very happy since then.

It seems like your marriage is done, his can go either way.

NC initiated by his spouse, and him agreeing to it, doesn't send a strong message of commitment to you, imo, and I can see why that would make you nervous.

Having said that, I think the transition time can be all over the place and very confusing.

You love this guy, you want to be with him. It would have been different if you were single and looking to start a family.

As you already have children, I think it's not so bad to wait a while and see how it goes. I wouldn't hang around for two years, but a few months are really no harm done.

It seems you trust him to tell you if he decides to reconcile, so worst case scenerio, you've waited a couple of months.

I get that NC/LC drives you nuts, you miss him and feel out if control of the situation.I'd suggest a deadline for yourself, so you know there's a time limit on this limbo.

Sometimes things just work out over time, I hope they do for you.

[ABernie]

I say this based on my own experiences and from all I read on this board - people separating typically do not still go on a family vacation.

 

Yes, sounds silly. But I just did this in July. It's paid for, you go.

 

Men also make all the promises in the world while they hedge their bets. He's telling you that everything is almost over but yet he is living there, going NC with you to appease his wife and still going on his family vacation?

 

These are bad signs. Also, do not believe for a second that he would tell you if he was going to reconcile with his wife. He will easily let you crash and burn.

 

You need to look out for yourself. You say you did not file for divorce yet. How was your marriage before the affair?

 

All signs were good, until NC. But I know, regardless, I need to give them space if they nerd to figure out what to do. I read about changes of heart. I will see him in 2 weeks for a pre-planned event.

 

My marriage was over way before OM. I just stayed do long, bc I didn't know what else to do. It's a positive I take from the A. It woke up who I am.

[imsosad]

Re: family trip, I don't see it as a big deal.

My ex husband and I went on a week long couple vacation two months before we split.

We took a family holiday while we were seperated, but still living together.

It's complicated.

Both my AP/partner and I led pretty standard family lives right up to the moment we divorced.

[ABernie]

NC initiated by his spouse, and him agreeing to it, doesn't send a strong message of commitment to you, imo, and I can see why that would make you nervous.

 

So nervous. I want to believe he wants to keep the peace... For the kids. It's so hard. She's holding the kids over his head.

 

I do have time to wait, as my divorce is not final.

[elaine567]

Seems to me this is a fairly common situation.

DDay happens, BS hurt angry upset, demands MM enter NC with OW else the marriage is over.

MM agrees as he desperately wants to hold onto wife and kids.

BUT NC is hard and he really in a perfect world wants to have both women, so he tries to keep both plates spinning.

 

With BS he is reconciling, and the OW is out of the picture for good, "I love you..."

With OW he is sorting out his marriage , but "Don't go anywhere as once the dust settles we can probably pick up as before, I love you..."

 

Too many here have believed their MM will leave their marriage and kids for them to find he just won't.

Affairs for many men are about "extra" - extra sex, extra love, extra excitement, extra romance, extra attention... bottom line they don't actually need a new wife they already have one of those at home.

 

This may be not be your situation, but be very, very careful.

Protect your own heart. Find a path that is the best one for YOU.

Forget nice words, words are easy to say, analyse actions instead.

[ABernie]

Yes, I know. I'm trying to prepare for this. I know if he stays, it's for the kids, not the wife. That was dead long before I came around.

 

I just know it's a lot to sort out. How long do I wait to see if he moves or not. We had a 2 year plan before D Day, so we were planning on moving slowly. Now slow is complete torture!

 

I know typing it out, it seems so textbook, but my gut is strong.

Edited September 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I know if he stays, it's for the kids, not the wife. That was dead long before I came around.

.

 

I don't believe a marriage is "dead" until papers are signed. Dormant/in hibernation perhaps. Sometimes it takes something like an affair being exposed to really shake both partners up and realize they actually do have something together to heal and keep intact. I really do not think that someone intent on leaving a "dead" marriage behind would agree so easily to the BS's insistence of NC.

[Scarlet2]

NC is a chance for reconciliation, out of sight out of mind, 100% attention goes back to the wife. If he were leaving his marriage, it wouldn’t matter what ultimatums the wife gave. He would continue to talk to you to spite her, he would not stop talking to you to appease her.

 

My MM preplanned something with me too but he still ghosted me when it was time to go, without a word, without a fight, without any conversation about wanting to reconcile with his wife and end things with me and he still hasn’t said one word to me for over a year now.

 

You should have asked him for a time frame of when he was going to start speaking to you again, otherwise you could be wasting eons of time, like me.

[Amethyst68]

I know if he stays, it's for the kids, not the wife. That was dead long before I came around.

 

With respect you don't know anything of the sort. Everything you 'know' about MM's wife or marriage has been told to you from one person. The person who would not be having an affair with you if they were waxing lyrical about their marriage.

 

Now confessing about the affair is actually an honorable thing to do and it says something about him taking some responsibility for his actions.... but to be honest, in my opinion the only reason for NC at is point is that divorce will not be happening. I wouldn't be surprised if after a while you hear from him suggesting that everything has to be secret again, you know because the kids are too young or she's taking all the money! Let's face it, if they're divorcing then they is no way the wife could enforce NC. Custody and finance can be sorted by lawyers.

 

Just curious, was the plan to become one immediate big blended family?

[ABernie]

He wanted to do mediation. I wish he would talk to a lawyer to know his rights. I believe that she is threatening that she will tell the kids about A unless the NC. She intercepted a text as it was happening.

 

I know I sound cliche, and I understand that I very well may be.

 

I feel like I'm constantly hoping for the best, but expecting the worst....which is limbo.

[elaine567]

Does your STBX know about your affair with this man?

[ABernie]

Does your STBX know about your affair with this man?

 

No. I did ask for the divorce 1 week after the PA began. We went through Divorce Counseling. STBX had a 15 year betrayal (not infidelity), so he is not innocent. Also a few weeks before I asked for the divorce he became very mean. Once divorce was decided and expectations were removed, we reconnected as friends/co-parents only.

 

After D Day, AP and I were still talked about future, etc, I was just about to tell STBX that someone had asked me out on a date and I was going to accept. But DDay II has thwarted that.

 

I had no plans of moving him in. That was in the 2-5 year plan.

[elaine567]

How do you think he will take it if Mrs MM decides to tell him about the affair, to try to get her husband back in line?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

How do you think he will take it if Mrs MM decides to tell him about the affair, to try to get her husband back in line?

 

Definitely could happen.

[isolatedgothic]

I think they like to use a woman to ease them out of the marriage. Once they are out, they realize they are free, and their interest fades...and reality sets in and you'll get to see the very man that his ex-wife had to deal with. Then and only then does a person fully understand what just happened and what they were a part of.

 

Living with the guilt can be a killer.

 

Also, you will always be a reminder of that time in his life when he made the ugly decision to leave his marriage, betray his wife, hide from his family, and change his kids forever.

 

I have seen married men leave spouses and actually go on to be with their affair partner. I have also seen them leave and then go sow their wild oats, giving the affair partner a taste of what it's like to be the betrayed one.

 

I wish you could turn the clock ahead five years and ask Future You if waiting around for Married Man was the right thing to do. In my case, I'd give anything to turn back the hands of time and see through every single lie he told me - the same ones you're convinced in your gut are true stories. My gut told me that these very same stories were true, too. Now I hate myself for being a participant in something so ugly.

 

Please step back and look at this as though it's happening to a friend of yours, or your daughter for that matter. Take a look at your own attachment issues. Go find a trusted counselor and pour your heart out. Listen to those who have been there. Don't be like me, sitting here alone on a weekend while he is out dating another "love of his life" after using me to get out of his marriage [and he did say that his wife was no longer in love with him before we started...hadn't had sex with him in 15 years...and how he had stayed for the kids...and yet she behaved much like the one in your own story, because her very heart was broken in two. It makes me sick that I was that person. Just sick.]