Going from A to R timeline

[ABernie]

I am sorry, but it doesn't bode well.

I could be very wrong, I hope I am for your sake, but I guess at the moment he is reconciling for all he is worth in order to save his marriage.

I am not saying he will never be back, but do not rely on him to provide a fairy tale ending here.

He had that chance when he told her about the affair.

You were free, he was free. Perfect!

But he didn't stay free for long, did he?

He could have marched onwards with you, but he chose to essentially throw you under the proverbial bus and went N/C.

N/C for 2 weeks, in case he upsets his wife...

He is a grown man, he could find you in an instant if he really wanted to...

She may throw him out and you may get him by default, but is that really what you want?

Be very careful here.

 

 

You make excellent points. I'm coming around that they are true. But the naive bit in me says NC was to do damage control. Each day I feel this less and less though.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You make excellent points. I'm coming around that they are true. But the naive bit in me says NC was to do damage control. Each day I feel this less and less though.

 

Pretty sure that's not the case here. You're a soon to be single and available woman. You're not in a relationship with this man anymore.

[Jane Deaux]

No. No contact is not for damage control. Initially before reading all your details I imagined it might be damage control in order to have a bit more amicable divorce and not be taken for everything. However. He HAD NOT reached out to you. He's gone no contact. He didn't even reach out to you during dd#2. She did. He let her. I can't imagine what she said to him or what she might've informed him of. But I think you either need to find a way to contact him and tell him that you won't wait any longer if he continues no contact, and this is for your own peace of mind.

During dd#1 you both agreed to LC? Then she realized he was messaging you, contacted you herself and he hasn't contacted you since. If he wanted to talk to you, he would. Nothing would keep a person that knows FULLY WELL that you are hurting and waiting on him, from finding a way to talk to you. He has your email address. It takes 3 minutes to create a new anonymous email account, and message you to let you know what is going on. There are entirely tooooo many ways to contact someone these days. He doesn't need your phone number. He could've called you at work, emailed, etc. I KNOW you're holding onto hope and telling yourself all the excuses. And I completely understand why. But honey, he could've and should've contacted you the next day. Even if it was to tell you that he was letting you go. But he's choosing to keep you in the dark knowing you're hurt and longing for him.

 

I feel like, for your sake, you need to begin the process of letting go. I feel like maybe you already have. And in the future if he shows back up, in the divorce process them you can choose to move forward with him or not. But for now, accept that it appears he's reconciling with the bw. I think he has had a change of heart. Possibly for the kids, or maybe a delayed reaction to losing his wife as well, once it became a reality. Who knows, could've even been threats. But right now, he's choosing her.

Edited September 25, 2018 by Jane Deaux

[MidnightBlue1980]

You make excellent points. I'm coming around that they are true. But the naive bit in me says NC was to do damage control. Each day I feel this less and less though.

 

I was in a relationship for 3.5 years with a man like this, he kept separating and going back. Like you, early on I divorced my husband because I had feelings for someone else and realized it was a very bad sign. It did not work out with this man, I moved on, but I never regretted my divorce. Later I would meet my current husband. You seem to be very together, of course you are hurt, understandable. I'm not sure what your husband did, but I know what it is like to be done.

 

My advice is to try and move on from this MM. Don't waste 3 years like I did while he decides, separates and waffles.

[HappyAgain2014]

Sadly, all signs point to him not leaving. Men throw the kids out as an excuse because it’s difficult to argue with a man claiming he’s putting his kids first.

 

Truth is he wasn’t thinking about the kids when he cheated.

 

Men are simple creatures. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. If he loved you, he’d be in contact. Between your divorce and his wife discovering the affair didn’t end after DD2, he’s run out of road.

 

I wouldn’t expect to hear from him again. If you do, it won’t be with divorce papers in hand.

 

Move on. You are getting yourself out of a bad marriage. The last thing you and your kids need is another bad relationship. Start fresh with a relationship that wasn’t built on lies.

[Overtaxed]

Yes, I know. I'm trying to prepare for this. I know if he stays, it's for the kids, not the wife. That was dead long before I came around.

 

My W's AP said exactly the same thing. Upon contacting his wife after d-day, surprise, surprise, she had no idea the marriage was "dead". In fact, she wanted the dates they had sex because she and her husband had an active sex life and wanted to make sure there wasn't any "overlap" (there was). AP's lie, often about everything, but almost always about this. Would you have entered an A with him if he said "I love my wife, we have plenty of sex, but; I don't know, I'm just bored and would like something on the side?".. Hence, the reason male AP's never will say that, because, as others have said, men are results driven. And saying that won't get results (sleeping with you).

 

This story has been repeated here 1000's of times, and it rarely works out with the two AP's in a loving stable relationship. The statistical likelihood of an A leading to anything more than hot sex and kind words is extremely unlikely. Very few lead to M, and of those that do, most of them will result in D.

 

It sounds like you're getting out of a bad marriage. Take some time, date some people, and enjoy your freedom. I think you'll find that you can do much better than the AP. In all likelihood, you'll hear from MM again with some more "I'm leaving her, just give me another month, but I'd love to meet up (for sex)". Up to you at that point, if you'd like to have sex and are OK with being an AP, that's your decision. But don't expect the first part of that to be true, it almost never is.

[ABernie]

I'm overwhelmed this week. I broke NC this weekend. But he didn't.

 

I never thought I would be THIS upset , but I am literally wasting away to nothing. My skinny clothes are like tents on me. I cry all.the.time.

 

I entered into the anger stage long enough today to think about calling BW to tell her all the things he told me (she asked for a D - which could be the case until reality set in, how he couldn't take it anymore, everything was almost over to be patient). I want to meet her to show her all of his messages to me after DDay #1.

 

But I will not.

 

1. Because I don't want to cause her more pain and I don't want to cause him more pain.

 

2. Because I'm suffering terribly from hopitis. I still feel in my gut that he will end it. I just don't know when or if I will be around.

 

 

I have deactivated all my social media accounts b/c I just need a break. I was away this weekend with girlfriends and I was a complete mess. I know my friends will be sick of me soon, so I'm trying to fade away into obscurity.

 

Tomorrow is IC appointment. I'm seriously thinking about asking about anti-depressants. I meet almost all the criteria for clinical depression.

 

I am trying hard:

 

* made plans with girlfriends for MLK Jr Weekend trip

* signed my daughter and I up for a baking class together

* made a consultation appointment for a tummy tuck - after all the weight loss, my post-kids stomach is a mess and I weigh HS weight now

* I want to start journaling again. I'm just so scared to start b/c I don't want to relive all the details of A. But maybe that's what I need - time alone that I can just sob and sob and sob.

* This will sound so ridiculous, but I am going with my friend to a speed dating night. I expect 0 from it. Actually I'm expecting no matches, but it will be fun to see what is out there. I know in my present state, I am unable to meet someone.

* I work out a lot and a friend asked if I would show her how to. We met today and I felt great about it (except that so many of our messaging happened in those early gym hours while he was on his way to work, so I was reminded so much of it today - my first day back to gym since weekend trip and NC break)

 

 

What else can I do?

 

I would take the kids bowling (they love it), but the alley is about 1 mile from his house. I fear him walking in.

 

I could take the kids hiking (they love it), but he runs there and has brought his kids there.

 

Over the summer the kids and I went on a quest to go to all the local handmade ice cream parlors in ~50 mile radius. I could continue that.

 

I used to be an avid reader and now I feel I can't concentrate and only read articles about affairs (hoping I will find one that is successful - but rarely are they)

 

My middle son has noticed how upset i am all the time. I know for them, I need to snap out of it.

[norudder]

My therapist told me time and new experiences. We can't control time but can help it and ourselves along a bit by controlling what we do with it while it passes and how we mentally frame those experiences.

 

Don't let him rob your kids of joy too. Those are your kids, you'd prevent them from healthy fun activities they love because of a chance he might be there? Screw him. That's him still making decisions for you about how you'll live your life. YOU make decisions about YOUR life. He only has that power if you give it to him. Don't.

 

There was a park exmm and I used to go to. So many "triggers" just driving by. But I went with friends. Did the haunted trail they set up one year. Took my kids on a picnic adventure. I intentionally reclaimed the area for myself in my own mind. Made new happy memories that overrided the ones with him, if not completely certainly to a diminished capacity.

 

Suggest you consider it.

 

Sounds like you are on a good path with everything else you are doing to take care of yourself and IC is another tool.

 

Wishing you well.

Edited October 10, 2018 by norudder

[norudder]

Also, in typical fashion aligned with 99% of all the others here the mm I was involved with was staying "for the kids", who were a few years from graduating. Funny how I managed a divorce with my own much younger kids. Because that was what I wanted (regardless of him, the point is people who want to be divorced do it).

 

He took a year long volunteer job assignment out of country. Away from the kids he was staying for. Because he wanted to.

Came back and it's back to "for the kids" because because because.....

 

More acceptable to leave for work than suffer the hit to ego of losing the image of marriage and actual dollars that come with reality.

 

For the kids could then become for the grandkids.

 

Move on. Keep clear unless he or anyone else is free and clear.

Stay strong!

[imsosad]

How was counselling?

How are you feeling today!

You wrote about still having hope and leaning on a gut feeling.

The fact that he did not respond to your breaking NC speaks volumes.

I am currently supporting a friend, BW, whose husband promised he'd go NC with his AP while they work out their marriage in therapy.

Turns out, he never skipped a day without contacting his OW and and continued to see her, even though my friend was monitoring him very closely.

When my friend confronted him about it, he told her that he loved his OW too much to cut off communication with her and wanted a divorce.

Now, this is clearly awful for the BW and isn't exactly Man of the Year behavior. However, it's clear he loves the AP, and while he was willing a half hearted attemp at reconcilliation, he actually wanted to leave the marriage.

My ex AP/now partner also attended CC with his ex wife, and he broke NC with me during that time, we resumed contact and their CC turned in to seperation mediation.

Maybe he does love you. Maybe he is following his brain, and not his heart. Maybe one day he will leave.

Right now, his actions show he's choosing his marriage.

You have to kill hope and focus on moving on.

I know how difficult that is, but right now you're holding on to nothing. You deseve more than to hang around waiting for a man who won't respond to you.

You have your kids, your friends and most of all-you have yourself.

You will be alright. Take it easy, you'll make it.

[Amethyst68]

I am currently supporting a friend, BW, whose husband promised he'd go NC with his AP while they work out their marriage in therapy.

Turns out, he never skipped a day without contacting his OW and and continued to see her, even though my friend was monitoring him very closely.

When my friend confronted him about it, he told her that he loved his OW too much to cut off communication with her and wanted a divorce.

Now, this is clearly awful for the BW and isn't exactly Man of the Year behavior. However, it's clear he loves the AP, and while he was willing a half hearted attemp at reconcilliation, he actually wanted to leave the marriage.

 

This is actually a bit of a thread jack. I no intention of responding to this thread again but something about this response had my stomach tied in a knot, to the extent I had to come back to this site to reply.

 

Now, I am hoping this is not the case but there is something about the above scenario that is screaming

 

'Look girls, he left for his true love. Oh my friend may be a little hurt but he didn't let a little thing like NC get in his way!'

 

If you are truly supporting your friend then I suggest you do so instead of using her new heartbreak to bring hope to another OW. Does it even strike you as being a little disrespectful to your friend?

 

End thread jack

 

To OP

 

I think you are doing well, so you faltered one day, you've just got to go on.

 

I still think you're going to end up disappointed but hopefully you will at least be in a slight better position.

 

It must be nearly time for your prearranged meet up? Do you think he will show?

[ABernie]

I am currently supporting a friend, BW, whose husband promised he'd go NC with his AP while they work out their marriage in therapy.

Turns out, he never skipped a day without contacting his OW and and continued to see her, even though my friend was monitoring him very closely.

When my friend confronted him about it, he told her that he loved his OW too much to cut off communication with her and wanted a divorce.

 

This is why my heart can't let go. This was us after DDay#1. Every day, everything the same.

 

After DDay#2 (she took his phone while he was texting me to meet up) it's been NC. He had expressed his fear that BW wanted to move kids back I to city with family. He wants kids to stay in suburban school.

 

IC is tonight. I'm a mess every single day.

[imsosad]

This is actually a bit of a thread jack. I no intention of responding to this thread again but something about this response had my stomach tied in a knot, to the extent I had to come back to this site to reply.

 

Now, I am hoping this is not the case but there is something about the above scenario that is screaming

 

'Look girls, he left for his true love. Oh my friend may be a little hurt but he didn't let a little thing like NC get in his way!'

 

If you are truly supporting your friend then I suggest you do so instead of using her new heartbreak to bring hope to another OW. Does it even strike you as being a little disrespectful to your friend?

 

End thread jack

 

To OP

 

I think you are doing well, so you faltered one day, you've just got to go on.

 

I still think you're going to end up disappointed but hopefully you will at least be in a slight better position.

 

It must be nearly time for your prearranged meet up? Do you think he will show?

 

Ok,I can see why you would think that.

Thing is, I think affairs are awful all around, and hurt different people in similar ways.

My only intention was to warn the OP about the possible interpertation of her AP's NC.

Obviously I don't romanticise my friend's husband's behavior, and I am certainly not being disrespectful, it is what it is.

If my post triggered you in any way, I'm sorry.

[inpeices]

Seems to me this is a fairly common situation.

DDay happens, BS hurt angry upset, demands MM enter NC with OW else the marriage is over.

MM agrees as he desperately wants to hold onto wife and kids.

BUT NC is hard and he really in a perfect world wants to have both women, so he tries to keep both plates spinning.

 

With BS he is reconciling, and the OW is out of the picture for good, "I love you..."

With OW he is sorting out his marriage , but "Don't go anywhere as once the dust settles we can probably pick up as before, I love you..."

 

Too many here have believed their MM will leave their marriage and kids for them to find he just won't.

Affairs for many men are about "extra" - extra sex, extra love, extra excitement, extra romance, extra attention... bottom line they don't actually need a new wife they already have one of those at home.

 

This may be not be your situation, but be very, very careful.

Protect your own heart. Find a path that is the best one for YOU.

Forget nice words, words are easy to say, analyse actions instead.

 

Elaine567 is spot on.

 

I was a BS and it's taken 7yrs to read the OW page on here and find compassion, for years and years I was eaten up by what happened and how.

To be able to respond to you without emotion is a first.

My heart breaks for you actually, because you have been played just like we all are in these scenarios.

I've read your whole thread and maybe missed a crucial detail.. Have you actually spoken to MM wife and had open discussion about your affair? You say she knows.. but knows what exactly? Discovering a text message is different to discovering hotel receipts or catching your husband/wife having sex in your marital bed..

How are you so sure the wife knows everything you do?

If you can't answer, then this plays out the same way it always does.. he gets caught being secretive, cuts contact, your heart shatters as you thought you meant something, he gets better at being devious, once the wife chills out he makes contact with you again, rinse repeat.

 

Sorry if I've got my facts wrong, but if I haven't, run run run in the opposite direction to this man who has broken your heart.. Using his children as a reason to stay home is pathetic, I've heard it all before...

Love is kind and true and does not bring you pain..

Actions speak louder than words..

If you harness the above two lines/sayings into your future, you wont go far wrong.

 

I'm genuinely sorry you are hurting.. two years ago I would have wished hell on you..

 

Guess we heal eventually and realise its the cheater that has the issue..

 

You can do better.. go find your true happiness.. it's not with this liar I can promise you that.

[ABernie]

It must be nearly time for your prearranged meet up? Do you think he will show?

 

The first, where I wasn't sure if we would meet up, I didn't see him. I mutual friend randomly saw him (she doesn't know of A) and told him where we would be. He didn't come.

 

1. it sent me into a complete downward spiral. Unable to function. I meet every single symptom of clinical depression.

 

2. My heart (or defense system) says, BW must have been there keeping tabs.

 

 

After my STBXs betrayal, he asked me if I wanted to see how he ended the issue (again, not infidelity). I just had no interest in seeing or accessing his email, etc. I didn't like the idea that I couldn't trust him. And that I had to check in on him.

 

I suppose BW could have been similar after DDay#1. I just don't know anything and I know that means I should forget him, but my entire body is affected. I cannot stop feeling which leads to thinking or perhaps it's vice versa.

 

I have never experienced this pain for this long. It's just not getting better, but getting worse.

 

 

The friend that introduced us has told me that he is only respond g to him with one word and is unreachable. I have since told this friend (AP wanted to tell him, and I said no), but AP doesn't know friend knows.

 

Sorry if this is all over. My brain no longer works

[ABernie]

To be able to respond to you without emotion is a first.

My heart breaks for you actually, because you have been played just like we all are in these scenarios.

 

Thank you for offering your insight. I'm very appreciative of your POV.

 

 

Have you actually spoken to MM wife and had open discussion about your affair? You say she knows.. but knows what exactly? Discovering a text message is different to discovering hotel receipts or catching your husband/wife having sex in your marital bed..

How are you so sure the wife knows everything you do?

 

She wrote me a letter and brought it to my house. She mentioned time frame, places, acts, etc. She also blamed me for the divorce, her kids not having their father tuck them in at night and spitting holidays and losing holiday traditions. I do/did recognize it as anger. There were some pretty intense insults and threats to me.

 

 

Using his children as a reason to stay home is pathetic, I've heard it all before...

 

I understand this, but early on he knew my STBX was staying in my house as a roommate for our kids benefits. We worked this out in CC, but I regret it. Not for our kids, but for me.

 

Love is kind and true and does not bring you pain..

Actions speak louder than words..

If you harness the above two lines/sayings into your future, you wont go far wrong.

 

So true. Thank you. It's hard bc it was true a month or so ago and then flipped

 

I'm genuinely sorry you are hurting.. two years ago I would have wished hell on you..

 

Guess we heal eventually and realise its the cheater that has the issue..

 

You can do better.. go find your true happiness.. it's not with this liar I can promise you that.

 

You give me hope to healing. Thank you for taking the time to share and help me. I know many on here, hate me. Thank you for choosing kindness.

[elaine567]

You have to now put everything into your kids. You are divorced and divorce is hard on kids, they don't also need a mother who is falling apart before their eyes.

Eat well, even if you have to force it down. Keep well hydrated.

Sleep well and look after yourself, everything will slot into place.

[ABernie]

Just posting an update, because I don't want anyone to read my thread and think that there is any chance for an affair to turn into a relationship.

 

While I do think he believed it would in the moments/weeks/months before DDay, when the gravity of it all presented itself, he fell apart and out of fantasy land.

 

Since DDay #2, we haven't seen each other, other than being at the same place at the same time twice (never talking), but every few weeks he would send me a love email that made me hopeful.

 

In March, I received another threatening email from BW and I broke my silence with her. I laid it all out on the line for her. She called me and we compared notes. He lied incredibly to both of us.

 

Over and over he denied the lies. I just started forwarding BW anything that he texted or emailed me. That got him to stop contacting me. I saw him in June and just softly whispered "F*** you" as he passed by me.

 

I still maintain that as foolish as I was for falling for him, it woke me up and got me moving towards my divorce.

[Sunlight72]

Thank you for coming back to update us ABernie. I hope you and your ex-husband have been able to remain agreeable for your sakes and your children, and I hope you've been able to find some emotional stability over this time.

 

It sounds like your ex-AP's wife is living a pretty miserable and disorienting life. I'm "glad" (I guess?) that you started forwarding his messages to her, so at least she can stop guessing and imagining what might be happening, and see who she is really dealing with. At least she doesn't think she's going crazy on top of everything else.

[ABernie]

Thank you for coming back to update us ABernie. I hope you and your ex-husband have been able to remain agreeable for your sakes and your children, and I hope you've been able to find some emotional stability over this time.

 

We are great coparents and friends. I know it sounds strange to many, but we still take our big family vacation together as a family. 2 rooms. We haven't been intimate in 5 years, so there is no reconnecting. Just coparenting.

 

It sounds like your ex-AP's wife is living a pretty miserable and disorienting life. I'm "glad" (I guess?) that you started forwarding his messages to her, so at least she can stop guessing and imagining what might be happening, and see who she is really dealing with. At least she doesn't think she's going crazy on top of everything else.

 

They are still together. And I imagine for the long haul. He told his friend "It's cheaper to keep her." He told me he played Mega Millions so he could leave. What crappy things to say about your life partner. I'm glad I FINALLY saw it and I'm out of it.

 

I recently got an email from "him," from his secret account. When I replied to tell him to leave me alone, it was deleted. I forwarded it to his email to tell him to leave me alone, but I have a feeling it came from BW. Testing to see if we were still seeing/talking. I hope she found some comfort in my reply.

[ABernie]

I want to update because I am quite proud of myself.  

He created a new FB account and I only knew b/c it showed up on my people I might know list.  I blocked him immediately.

My birthday was last month and last year he contacted me on my birthday, spilling all the love words, etc.  I thought he might again.  I was going to keep him blocked for the holidays and then unblock for my bday hoping he would contact.  

When it came to the time, I saw how ridiculous it all was and kept him blocked.  This was about 16 months after DD#1.  I told my friend about all of this and she said she had read that it takes 18 months to get over heartbreak.  I'm feeling pretty good that it is going in that direction.