A new friend is about to get engaged, but we held hands. So .

[pigeon81]

Hi There,

 

I'm new to this forum, as my head is a little confused and I'm seeking some advice....

 

Basically, I joined a professional tech networking group last April 2017 and I met a lady there who runs the group. She's pretty cool - she's a software engineer and runs a network, which supports other women in tech. Basically, she's really proactive on the tech scene and just comes across inspirational, helpful, supportive and simply awesome in her line of work. Let's call her "PG".

 

Last summer 2017, I wanted to get her advice on joining a coding bootcamp, as I wanted to career change. But being in my mid-30s, I was terrified. I knew she had been on one, so she agreed to meet me for a harmless, friendly Q&A. And a harmless Q&A it was. I think we met for 1 drink for about 50 mins and she was really helpful.

 

I also got a whiff of more of her personality...bubbly, extrovert, kind friendly, etc. And that's it. I knew she had a girlfriend and didn't even consider anything more than networking on a professional/friendly level.

 

I was grateful for her time and advice and she seemed like a nice person. And being some in their 30s, who is now selective about which friends i keep/pursue, I thought she'd be a good person to know. On a professional level too.

 

So I stayed in touch with her. Not often, perhaps once every couple of months, to get her advice on work/course/career changing situs. She'd always be helpful and supportive, which made me thing staying in touch with her, was a great decision.

 

I dont have too many good friends at my age - 37, people have dropped off over the years. But I have a healthy enough social life, mixed in with seeing my family. (Like most people when we get older, we want to filter out the flakey friends, from the good ones).

 

I saw her out twice this year in March 2018 - at a social event and I noticed her partner was cold towards me. Once she slid up right next to me, when i was talk to "PG". Almost as if to passively agreesively, mark her territority.

 

Maybe I gave off some air of attraction. I guess at this point I was slightly attracted to her... but more so on a inspirational level. And genuinley, thank ful for someone who's helped me out alot, on such a massive personal journey to career change.

 

Fast forward to summer 2018 and I've finished my course and got a job offer. I told "PB" about it and suggested we catch up to celebrate over a drink. (This is the first time I would have seen her in 3 months).

 

But now yes, I was slightly excited to see her. Some how my feelings had developed a little, but Im not sure how. I'd say I was more excited to finally go out drinking with her 1 on 1. Rather than at a networking event and just really get to know her.. But again, with never intention for it to be anything more than that.

 

I guess i had a secret crush at this point, but I never, ever planned to act on it. Like we all know people we think are cool and attractive, but that's it - because there are "no-go zones". Like if someone has a gf. But I thought hey, we're kinda friends so it's ok to hang out. So for me, I just saw it as hanging out with her and nothing more.

 

For the second we first met to hang out - it was wierd and unexpected. Like she seemed very excited to be hanging out with me. We were both clearly nervous and wondered around the place, trying to find a seat, trying to keep the conversation normal.

 

We eventually had a drink and we both relaxed - but there was some kind of energy swirling around amongst us. The questions she asked me, seemed like questions you'd ask on a first date - like an interrogation, rather than hanging out with a friend. We sometimes even seemed like the conversation was flirtacious. it was odd, but also fun, because we clearly enjoyed each others company. We laughed alot, but as soon as the nerves passed, we were comfortable with each other. No pressure. Sometimes we just relaxed in deck chairs and didnt say anything at all!

 

We called it a night at 10pm and went our seperate ways, but a couple of times we high-fived on the train and our fingers lingered, clung on to the other's hand. We both noticed it, but kinda took a long time to let go. We enjoyed the contact.

 

What was confusing is that she was planning to propose to her girl friend in September. So I thought, perhaps I imagined the evening was more, than what it actually was. Maybe she's naturally flirtacious, playful and likes a lot of attention - like a lot of women. But our chemistry was strong.

 

I ended up having to decline the job offer. But two months later I got another. And gave her an update. I suggested we should hang out to celebrate, for real this time and she of course was up for it.

 

This was two days ago. But now, I am crushing over her a little bit. Perhaps because of our last encounter. I felt she flirted with me alot.

 

We met and I was nervous at first but relaxed about 20 minutes. She started by telling me she was going to propose to her gf this weekend. My heart sank, especially after having a **** week at work. (I was actually going to cancel on her).

 

She told me about her plan, how she was going to do it, etc and i had to sit there and listen. She asked me for advice.

 

"Perhaps I've put myself in this situation" - I thought, entirely my fault for being so stupid. But then the flirting starts again....

 

She starts stroking my arm and says she does it to everyone, (she is physically over expressive). But what's confusing is that is secondary... We spend the next 5 hours drinking cocktails and having such an awesome time. We laugh so much, crack jokes, throw napkins at each others faces, compliment each other - (perhaps I compliment her, more than she compliments me).... which thinking about it, is true. We talk about so many things..... she tells me about her achievements, we move up to another bar and I make her stay out as long as I can, because I'm enjoy the evening with her.

 

I have to stay... the chemistry is out of this world and that is not something I've imagined. We're both sarcastic, laugh at each other and she continues to stroke my arm over the next 5 hours. I resist and never at any point, do I do the same to her. I make her feel good about herself though and just continue the evening, like there is no body else around us.

 

Like this last time we met, this feels like evening you would experience, like you went on a date. The evening was out of this world and it made me want her so bad. If she was single, I would ask her out instantly, but obviously I can't.

 

What's confusing, is that we shared an ubver when we left the bar. She lives 10 minutes away and I live further out and it made sense jump in the same car. (You can't order two ubers at once - so it was her idea to uber to hers and then I'll go to mine from there).

 

She' lives with her gf by the way.. So of course, I would never have made any moves.

 

Except, in the cab we continue to joke and laugh and she starts stroking my arm again. At this point, I was getting slightly fed up. With the mixed signals. Talking about a proposal and then the next minute basically, having a date with me.

 

And so I turned around without thinking, slightly fed up and said "Look PB.." and then I placed my finger on her wrist and rubbed and said "I can do this too".

 

Except when our eyes locked in the moment - any annoyance and frustration had left me in a flash and we both looked confused and vulnerable, but also clearly were enjoying it....

 

She then turned her wrist over, moved her hand down to mine slowly, (whilst we were still looking at each other), and we locked hands.... It was like a scene from a movie.... if she was single, I swear I would have taken her right there and then...

 

The moment quickly turned sour for me... I sat there for the next 3 minutes, my hand clasped in hers and confused as ****.

 

I know I'm partly responsible for this, but I never made any moves on her the entire year or ever said anything in appropriate. My intention long term, was to always have some kind of friendship with her and I would take the proposal plans as a way of her saying "I'm off limits", which I know.

 

But I can't explain - our chemistry on Thursday was off the charts. Electrifying. Fun. Almost dream like. You know, like when you have those perfect dates, which are rare?

 

I never intended to make any moves that night. My action came purely from frustration - as in, "just stop dicking around with me now". I never expected she would end up hold my hand...

 

It's almost like we both wanted it, but obviously felt guilt in a second.

 

I know you'll think this is my fault. I haven't really messaged her since. And tomorrow she is probably going to propose to her gf.

 

I have no intention on pursing this. I never imagined it would get this far, even though not much as happened.

 

I'm just confused.... did I cause this? Is she a flirt? Do you think she was even interested in me, or just bored and playing?

 

I want to say to her - it was basically a mistake and let's forgot it ever happened. But i haven't done that yet. I thought I'd wait a few days, in case she is dusting off the diamond.

 

I guess part of me is slightly hurt, disappointed, would love to have her if she was single, but also dont know if I got played and if I caused this whole scenario.

 

Yes I was attracted to her before, but I knew she was off limits and only really wanted to have friendship. Especially with someone who seemed like a decent person.

 

Any advice would be great. I guess I'm just confused.

 

The next morning I was on cloud 9. But the soon faded as I knew, nothing will ever happen her. And I know in these scenarios, partners will never leave a long term relationship - for someone they barely know. (I would not even purse that option!!).

 

I'm just confused. I had no idea this would happen. I guess I don't want to feel like I've been used. But I know, I have been partly stupid, for feeding perhaps the situation. I just didnt think it would go in that direction. Especially as she has a gf.

 

I would never cheat on my other half. Which is why I know, I have to nip this in the bud. And stop if from ever happening again. I would be devasted if I were her gf. And I would never cheat on I'm in a relationship with. And never have.

 

Anything helpful thoughts would be much appreciated.

[d0nnivain]

Put some distance in here. Congratulate her on her engagement when you learn about it but don't have any more one on ones with her.

[preraph]

Some people never stop flirting. Some of those people do not follow through, but others cheat, cheat, cheat. She could be a sex addict for all you know who likes hookups. Some just like the attention they get, and reel them in and then abruptly push them away. I had a roommate like that. Very vivacious aggressive touchy and would bring people home and then flake on them or run out. In general, this is not a behavior you brought out in her. This is how she is and that means she's very chaotic to have a relationship with, so consider you dodged a bullet. Although her getting married may not stop her. And she could be getting engaged just to keep the partner from leaving after seeing her flirt with everyone.

[pigeon81]

Thank you for the feedback! I always sensed she was getting proposing in response to something. For example, she brushed her proposal off as "just a long term one". And i always felt maybe she was filling a void of some sort...

 

But yes I agree, distance is the key. I cancelled attending her birthday and event i was supposed to see her at a few days later...

 

And yes, her girlfriend said yes lol. So dumb.

 

I messaged a few days later to say congrats and that I hoped I hadn't upset her in anyway. And that we were still good. And she gave me a short reply, to say that 'of course we are good' and that i did nothing to upset her. Smiley emoji at the end.

 

She said it was a shame i couldn't make any of the events. And wanted me to stay in touch with the job situ.

 

So guess, we are both brushing it under the carpet. But yes, I dont intend to see her at least of the rest of the year.

 

So annoying... the good ones are taken. But half of them still **** around.

 

And then the decent ones like me, are left trying to find someone. but keep meeting unavailable twats. lol.

 

thanks for the advice. And yes I agree with the last poster. She is very tactile and extrovert. Maybe she is naturally a massive flirt. And maybe her relationship with her gf, is not all that. Seems like they have more of a business relationship anyway.

[ExpatInItaly]

She was probably enjoying your obvious crush on her, and felt some flirty energy there, but I would not read more into it.

 

It could be that she was feeling a little bored in her relationship, a little neglected, what have you - or she might be the type that regularly seeks out attention on the side to feed her ego. You don't know enough about her or the dynamics between her and her now-fiancee to guess what the issue is. Perhaps she's got a history of crossing boundaries and that's why her girlfriend wasn't so thrilled to meet you. You're seeing this woman through rose-coloured glasses but she might not be as awesome as you think.

 

All you can do now is accept that she intends to marry her fiancee and isn't looking to date you. I would stop seeing her in a personal, one-to-one setting and I would keep any communication work-related. You risk getting your heart put through a blender if you don't.

[pigeon81]

I know, you're completely right. I kinda already realised this is the case :/

 

Sucks, but alas. I'm sure i'll meet someone better.