Tired of Blowing It

[freebird25]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. He is one of the smartest most kind human beings that I know and I am trying to figure out why I have constantly broke his heart throughout the years of being together. I am asking for additional insight.

 

On our first date, the sparks were not really there for me but I really loved his mind. As time went on, we continued to see each other consistently because I really enjoyed our conversations together and the way we hit it off. Now let me clarify, I would not say that I was not physically attracted to him it all, I was, but just not as much as I wanted (butterflies etc).

 

One thing that I will say about myself is that as I have come into my own, I have really enjoyed the attention I get from others and I believe it has contributed significantly to crossing relational boundaries. I say this because throughout my relationship with my boyfriend I have crossed many boundaries. I have flirted with other guys through text, and I have met up with guys for a drink, I have downloaded dating apps just to see who is out there. A lot of this has happened within the first couple of years and I have already told my boyfriend about these incidents.

 

We had a lot of arguments stemming from my infidelity but he chooses to stay because he believes that we could be better. Fast forward to now. As I have grown into our relationship, I honestly feel like my feelings for him has deepened and I am in love with him. It has taken me awhile to get to this point but I feel it. Over the past year, I have not had any desire to cheat and It's like a switch turned off inside me towards other men because I have realized that what I want long term is right in front of me.

 

Well this past weekend I messed up. My brother and his friends met up for some drinks downtown. My boyfriend came with us. During drinks I got upset because one of the girls we were hanging out with was staring just a little too long at my boyfriend. Once we were done with drinks, we were going to walk over to a dance club. While walking I told my boyfriend about my discomfort about the staring situation and we ended up getting in a fight about it (he was innocent but I blamed him). which resulted in him leaving for home and me staying with the group.

 

Sometime throughout the night, I lost my group and one of my brothers friends who saw me, took my hand to lead me towards the rest of the group since it was really crowded in the club. Well, it ended up being that me and this guy held hands all throughout the night ( messy I know) because I had one too many drinks and also because I liked the attention and it felt nice. Nothing else happened.

 

The next day I felt really guilty about it and wanting to improve our relationship by being honest, I told him about it. As you know, he got terribly upset and in front of me ended up asking my brother for the details since my brother had witnessed his friend and I holding hands throughout the night. My brother confirmed everything and now here I am feeling horrible that I have hurt my boyfriend yet again. We are still together but barely. And now that my brother knows all about my transgressions throughout the years (which he initially didn't know about) due to my boyfriend getting angry and telling him all the things I have done in our relationship, I feel like he (my brother) is mad at me too. The conversation ended with my brother stating that I have no business being in a relationship if this is how I am going to act, and I agree.

 

At this point, the people closest to me (my boyfriend and my brother) do not trust me and it is an isolating place to be. I am so saddened that I have hurt my boyfriend as bad as I have as well as the people close to me. My brother thinks that I need to be single for awhile to enjoy the benefits of single life while not having to be responsible for a lover because I love the attention too much. I disagree. I want to be in a relationship with my boyfriend and I want to fight to make it better.

 

I am disapointed in how I handled myself the night I held hands with that guy as well as all the other times I have crossed boundaries and I just want to move forward from all of this with my boyfriend. I also want to respect my boyfriend and give him the space and time he needs to heal, and the space and time is also good for me to think about what I want moving forward.

 

The only thing about that is we just got a house in a different state (we are making a big move next week due to job relocation) so unfortunately this is all happening during a time of major transition and I cannot afford to rent a room or get an apartment allowing for his space as well as mine.

 

At the end of the day, if you were to ask me what I want, I will say I want my boyfriend and I to make it work but obviously with that comes serious changes on my end. I don't know if he will ever trust me again and that is valid considering all that I have put him through. My big question for you is how can we get over this mess while still keeping our relationship in tact? Insightful questions and comments are welcome. My appointment with a therapist is not until 2 weeks from now and I would appreciate any feedback from this community before doing more work of trying to understand myself.

Edited September 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[FMW]

I agree with your brother, that you should not be in a relationship. You clearly have the desire to explore, maybe because you're not fully satisfied with your relationship with your boyfriend, maybe because you just need more time to be free before settling down.

 

My guess is if you stay with your boyfriend you will step out of line again. Pay attention to what you're feeling and stop holding on to your boyfriend because it's easier and more convenient. It's not good for either of you.

 

As far as your housing situation, I'm not sure how to advise you there since there are a lot of variables. It depends on whether you bought the house or are just renting. If just renting, you can break the lease (at a cost of course) and find an affordable place for yourself on your own.

[d0nnivain]

Try making this move a fresh start. Cut down on the drinking. Have better self talk & think about the consequences of your actions. Here some woman over whom your BF had no control stared at him. You pitched a fit & blamed him. Then you held hands & flirted with a another man all night. He did nothing. You actively led another guy. His conduct was innocent; yours was culpable. Do you see the difference?

 

 

Apologize profusely. Tell your guy that you want the move to be a clean slate but for heaven's sake if you do this again -- go out looking or find yourself flirting with other men -- do this guy a favor & cut him loose.

[Malin889]

You think a girl is staring at him too long? Really? You are making something up in your head and blaming him for doing something inappropriate because you do inappropriate things. That’s what cheaters do- they cheat then blame others or accuse others of cheating. Did you make up this paranoia about this woman staring because you wanted him to get mad at you and leave so you could cheat? Or did you make up this story to make him seem like a bad guy so you weren’t the only bad guy? I’m sorry to be harsh. If you were really in love with him, you would not be “crossing boundaries” with other men and starting fights with him over nothing. If you “love” him, set him free.

Edited September 23, 2018 by Malin889

[freebird25]

I appreciate your responses. Like D0nnivain mentioned, I want a fresh start in us moving to a new place together and that means seeing a therapist and understanding the patterns I have repeated ever since the start of my previous relationship. At this point in time, my boyfriend and I are "separated" so that he has his space to heal and I have my space to figure my own stuff out. We have not seen each other for almost two weeks (he is working in the new state we will be moving to and I am finishing up working in our home state before I make the move with him). Even though it hasn't been a whole lot of time since seeing him, I do know that I do not want us to break up. Perhaps I will get more insight when I see a therapist in a few weeks but I still want to try for one more shot in our relationship.

Edited September 23, 2018 by freebird25

[salparadise]

I suspect you do it for validation... there's a void within that you're trying to fill by seeking attention from random men. If you had confidence that you are worthy then you wouldn't need to constantly have it affirmed this way. Explore this with the therapist. Is this a new therapist or have you been in therapy for awhile?

 

I'm wondering how far you've taken it. Have you physically cheated (sex) or only attention seeking behavior? It kinda blows me away that you carried on in front of your brother and all of those other people who know you and your boyfriend. And this is after you blamed him for some girl looking at him. This is self-sabotaging to a different degree than innocuous attention seeking.

 

The thing that seems to be missing is any expression of empathy for how your boyfriend must be feeling. It's all focused on the outcomes from your perspective, and what you want. Do you have any ability to feel what your boyfriend must feel, and do you have any remorse for causing him pain... as opposed to getting what YOU want from the relationship?

Edited September 23, 2018 by salparadise

[freebird25]

Salparadise, thank you for your input. I talked to my boyfriend this morning over the phone and we talked about my issues with validation and how I can be gluttonous with it. I strongly suspect it stems from feelings of self worth and that is something I want to explore with my therapist. I haven't been to a therapist in almost two years so this will be a new one that I will be seeing in this new state we are moving to.

 

The empathy is there for my boyfriend and I am beyond saddened that I hurt him in a way where I am not sure it is repairable (if he will ever trust again). It's crazy because he is everything that I want (still) and I am mad at myself for ruining what is so good (self-sabotage) and as he said "cutting him by a thousand swords". I told him this morning that I want him to be able to heal and have support as he figures out his next move and that I am deeply sorry. For now he still wants to be together. He is still processing everything and is still shocked which I understand. At the end of the day, I want him to follow his truth whatever that may be once he gets over the initial shock and I recognize that his journey onwards may not include me. We talked about how communication and transparency needs to be there in order to move forward as well as an end to the craziness I have put him through. I am desperate to work on that for the sake of being my best self as well as for our relationship to be better.

 

It baffles me of why I was engaging in holding hands with my brothers friend period, regardless if anyone saw or not, and I completely own up to that. I know I had a lot to drink that night but I still made that choice to engage in that behavior which upsets me to no end. I don't want to be this person anymore. I am almost 30 years old (next year), and I just want to make big and serious changes.

[Malin889]

I appreciate your responses. Like D0nnivain mentioned, I want a fresh start in us moving to a new place together and that means seeing a therapist and understanding the patterns I have repeated ever since the start of my previous relationship. At this point in time, my boyfriend and I are "separated" so that he has his space to heal and I have my space to figure my own stuff out. We have not seen each other for almost two weeks (he is working in the new state we will be moving to and I am finishing up working in our home state before I make the move with him). Even though it hasn't been a whole lot of time since seeing him, I do know that I do not want us to break up. Perhaps I will get more insight when I see a therapist in a few weeks but I still want to try for one more shot in our relationship.

 

Fresh start? Is there such a thing in this situation? I hope the boyfriend comes to his senses. He deserves a lot better.

[Melrose78]

I'm confused. Do you want to understand why you have done this or do you want to hear that continuing this relationship is a good idea?

 

You need to be single. Period. It sounds to me like he keeps forgiving you and it's giving you permission subconsciously to continue disrespecting him, without care of consequences. Because there are none.

 

Sorry but where you can afford to live shouldn't even come onto this. Again you are making it about you and how it impacts you and not your boyfriend.

 

You will do it again. Therapist or no therapist. If you love someone you don't behave like that. You seek therapy straight away and fix it before continuing a relationship. You have continued this pattern for years and nothing has changed.