No friends or family

[Incubation]

This is a topic that might seem a little strange and it's tough to find much, if any advice about. I have no friends and no family. It is extremely stressful and I survive on unhealthy coping behaviours.

 

I find that there is very little understanding of this experience. In the very few times I have tried to express myself about it, people will insist that this situation is by conscious choice. Its also been my experience that when I've tried to talk about the events which lead to the complete breakdown of my family, people will deny that it could happen or respect how terrifying and confusing they were. These are things which I have recurring nightmares about even 20 years later. It's like I'm cursed.

 

Obviously people need meaningful interactions in their lives and I want to try and force myself to learn about people again and maybe build relationships in a minimal way. But it's so hard. I don't know how to act, who to approach, I feel embarrassed and pretty humiliated at not having a social circle. What do I even say if someone asks about my background? Because having no family is not really something people like to hear.

 

So does anyone else have this issue. I don't mean limited friends - I mean nothing, zilch, nada. And what do you think. Please don't advise counselling - therapists don't want to know.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

How about church? With so many religions and denominations to choose from, it could be a starting point for you.

[d0nnivain]

Join something, particularly an established charitable / civic group: the Elks, the Moose, the Lions, the Kiwanis, a pet rescue, a theater group, a small museum, whatever floats your boat but is active. Go to the meetings. Help out at the fundraisers. When you roll up your sleeves & work side by side with people to advance a good cause you care about you develop lasting friendships.

[Artdeco]

Or meetup groups in your area. Thanks to the internet, these things are now easier than ever, although I understand that it’s still tough to get started. It’ll take some effort, but at least try to get out and join some groups. There’s no guarantee you’ll connect with anyone in a meaningful way, but you’ll definitely fail if you never try! How’s your love life? Have you had a romantic relationship recently?

[Mr. Lucky]

Join something, particularly an established charitable / civic group: the Elks, the Moose, the Lions, the Kiwanis, a pet rescue, a theater group, a small museum, whatever floats your boat but is active. Go to the meetings. Help out at the fundraisers. When you roll up your sleeves & work side by side with people to advance a good cause you care about you develop lasting friendships.

 

Great advice. Beyond this Incubation, what are you good at? Can you run, hit a ball, ride a bike, make a basket? Few things bond people quicker than shared competition, successful or not. And almost any team activity has its own built in social calendar. An easy way to make friends...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Incubation]

Or meetup groups in your area. Thanks to the internet, these things are now easier than ever, although I understand that it’s still tough to get started. It’ll take some effort, but at least try to get out and join some groups. There’s no guarantee you’ll connect with anyone in a meaningful way, but you’ll definitely fail if you never try! How’s your love life? Have you had a romantic relationship recently?

 

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll try them. No I don't even know what a romantic relationship is like.

[LuckyM]

I have only 2 friends I never meet with and no family, to speak of, so I know it is hard to cope with, day to day, year after year.

 

People always say join clubs or meetup or church but that does not always make a difference. The people there are into the hobby or activity and become bare acquaintances,usually, at least with me.

 

If you are under, say, 32, you are better off finding friends. The younger the better. It only gets tougher later on. Don't blame yourself and try to avoid obsessing over it. I have no advice because I have no idea where you live.

[Miss Clavel]

what do you want a friend for? are you looking for a hostage or a companion?

 

we recently found out that our only child father has 4 siblings we never knew a thing about. nor did he. two of them are in the same state i am, not far at all.

 

if you're looking for family, try the DNA test on ancestry dot com. i'm sure you do have family somewhere,including cousins.

 

that's where i'd start.

Edited September 24, 2018 by Miss Clavel

[sdraw108]

People always say join clubs or meetup or church but that does not always make a difference. The people there are into the hobby or activity and become bare acquaintances,usually, at least with me.

 

I can relate to this. Since breaking up with my partner last year I discovered myself to be quite isolated. It took me a couple of months to go to my first meetup, but after that I pushed myself to go at 3 - 4 times a week. "Bare acquaintances" are definitely an obstacle, but here's two things that it is important to bear in mind:

 

1. It is about quantity. The majority of people you meet will be nice and friendly, but will not make lasting friends. You simply have to accept this, and keep moving around in meetup circles to expose yourself to as many people as possible. Don't get disheartened when you go to 5x meetups in a row and don't meet anyone you click with. It will happen, but that good friend could be waiting for you at the next one.
   
2. It is very important to take the initiative. Don't just go to meetups, chat, and then go home. Be pro-active. If you meet someone who could be a potential friend, talk about your upcoming plans and then ask if they would be interested in joining you. Swap phone numbers, keep in touch, and keep arranging activities together. You can very quickly convert casual acquaintances into actual friends this way.
   

I adopted the above two approaches and after 6 months or so have built up a small but nice group of actual friends that I now do things with regularly.

Edited September 26, 2018 by sdraw108

[Fair]

This is a topic that might seem a little strange and it's tough to find much, if any advice about. I have no friends and no family. It is extremely stressful and I survive on unhealthy coping behaviours.

 

I find that there is very little understanding of this experience. In the very few times I have tried to express myself about it, people will insist that this situation is by conscious choice. Its also been my experience that when I've tried to talk about the events which lead to the complete breakdown of my family, people will deny that it could happen or respect how terrifying and confusing they were. These are things which I have recurring nightmares about even 20 years later. It's like I'm cursed.

 

Obviously people need meaningful interactions in their lives and I want to try and force myself to learn about people again and maybe build relationships in a minimal way. But it's so hard. I don't know how to act, who to approach, I feel embarrassed and pretty humiliated at not having a social circle. What do I even say if someone asks about my background? Because having no family is not really something people like to hear.

 

So does anyone else have this issue. I don't mean limited friends - I mean nothing, zilch, nada. And what do you think. Please don't advise counselling - therapists don't want to know.

 

Absolutely understand this issue and you're right, no one is going to understand this unless they've been through it themselves and very few people have narcissistic families like us. People do the same thing to me... deny that it could happen and are dismissive and cold if I try to talk about it. So you really can't talk about it unless you seek counselling, but of course, that's not the same as having a real life support circle of people who care about you.

 

I don't have family or friends either. Acquaintances but that's all. I wish I knew what to say to you but I've found no solutions myself. The lonelier you are the less people are inclined to want to be with you and if you don't even have a family you're all the more horribly judged and misunderstood.

 

All I can really do is say you're not alone in this experience though I know it feels like it.

[bathtub-row]

I lost the majority of my family and friends due to leaving a cultish religion when I was in my 20’s. I couldn’t stay in the religion and everyone I knew disowned me because I left. So Christian, right? A few years after I left, I had a dream that my entire house blew up in a huge fire and I was the only survivor. Not tough to figure that one out, huh?

 

The saving grace for me is that I have a sister who also left the religion. We had been apart for several years and it took awhile to get reacquainted. I’ve also since gotten close to a cousin but in between all that time, I felt very alone. I’ve never fully recovered from the loss of my friends and family. It’s a hole in my heart. That’s been over 30 years now.

 

After I left the religion, I married shortly after that then divorced a few years later. But I had a son. And my sister had a son who’s now grown with children of his own. My son is grown too. This small segment of my family is all I have. The few friends in my life are scattered and somewhat disconnected. So I have an inkling if what you’re feeling. The truth is, I have learned to be very content with being alone and I’m not sure if that’s my nature or circumstances. Still, I don’t want to be a hermit.

 

I think the suggestions to join groups can be good but they can also have the effect of making you feel more disconnected. So be prepared for that. Still, it’s social and you need to be around people so as not to become totally isolated. For many years, my sister lived in a state pretty far from me and my son was off to college, so I was still quite alone for a time. I used to go to restaurants with a book just to be around people.

 

Having said all that, I would suggest that you have children if you can afford to do that. Children are family and they can bring a security that a spouse or friends can’t. If there’s no guy in your life, go with artificial insemination. I know it sounds extreme but you need to do things to rebuild your family and having children is about the most expedient way to do that. If you can’t have kids, then consider adoption.

[Incubation]

Absolutely understand this issue and you're right, no one is going to understand this unless they've been through it themselves and very few people have narcissistic families like us. People do the same thing to me... deny that it could happen and are dismissive and cold if I try to talk about it. So you really can't talk about it unless you seek counselling, but of course, that's not the same as having a real life support circle of people who care about you.

 

Thank you, it is amazing that you mention the narcissistic family, this is something I have survived and left for good. But leaving isn't enough. Like I said at the start this is a forbidden topic, the vast majority of people will not understand having violent narcissistic parents and can become very angry when you try to explain. This makes it so difficult to talk about because you have to be careful where you talk. Family is supposed to be sacred and good and people (even professional counselors) cannot accept they were manipulators and opportunists and you had to leave forever. It's ruined my life and people won't accept it and I have nowhere to go. I hate this.

 

I think the suggestions to join groups can be good but they can also have the effect of making you feel more disconnected.

I've spent the last 20 years with zero intimate relationships. How many times do you think I have tried. I've met two famous people. Like everyone they were stuck inside themselves. You realize that you have to bring gifts to the table for people and you get tired. Why should I spend my life trying to prove myself to others. I had to walk away from my whole family and want to be treated as a person.

[bathtub-row]

Thank you, it is amazing that you mention the narcissistic family, this is something I have survived and left for good. But leaving isn't enough. Like I said at the start this is a forbidden topic, the vast majority of people will not understand having violent narcissistic parents and can become very angry when you try to explain. This makes it so difficult to talk about because you have to be careful where you talk. Family is supposed to be sacred and good and people (even professional counselors) cannot accept they were manipulators and opportunists and you had to leave forever. It's ruined my life and people won't accept it and I have nowhere to go. I hate this.

 

 

I've spent the last 20 years with zero intimate relationships. How many times do you think I have tried. I've met two famous people. Like everyone they were stuck inside themselves. You realize that you have to bring gifts to the table for people and you get tired. Why should I spend my life trying to prove myself to others. I had to walk away from my whole family and want to be treated as a person.

 

I don’t think I said anything about proving yourself to others. If your life is that disconnected, having children of your own may be the solution to re-creating the family you want. You don’t need a bf or husband to do that.

[Fair]

I've spent the last 20 years with zero intimate relationships. How many times do you think I have tried. I've met two famous people. Like everyone they were stuck inside themselves. You realize that you have to bring gifts to the table for people and you get tired. Why should I spend my life trying to prove myself to others. I had to walk away from my whole family and want to be treated as a person.

 

I understand this as well... it seems as if one person, alone, is not enough. You have to prove your worth by the company you keep, and if you have no group around you you're treated as less.

 

Also makes me angry that people get on the defensive and dismiss/invalidate your experiences with your abusive family. How dare anyone tell us what our lives have been like and what our families are really like... as if they're in any position to judge. But again... this is to be expected. People are very close minded if they haven't had the same experiences. And I don't know if the idea something like this can happen is threatening to them or what.

 

The danger is, of course, developing a chip on your shoulder regarding all people. This won't help you find a support system or relationship. Not saying you have one... but if you think you do, well... it's something to watch out for, that's all. It's easy to start resenting a world that won't 'seem' to let you in.

[d0nnivain]

I'm really sorry your family was so awful & it breaks my heart for you that you had to cut yourself off & isolate yourself to get away from them. Of course having to do that robbed you of developmental skills to form healthy relationships.

 

Please for your own sake keep working with the right people to improve your skill sets in these areas.

 

Below is where you lost me a bit, though.

 

I've spent the last 20 years with zero intimate relationships. How many times do you think I have tried. I've met two famous people. Like everyone they were stuck inside themselves. You realize that you have to bring gifts to the table for people and you get tired. Why should I spend my life trying to prove myself to others. I had to walk away from my whole family and want to be treated as a person.

 

When you said you have to bring gifts to the table for people are you talking about sucking up to the 2 famous people or that you think all people demand that you prove yourself & as soon as you get that vibe you walk away? I think every good relationship is a balance. Both parties in the relationship have to give & take. You have to bring something to the party: conversational skills, intellect, compassion, humor . . . something that makes others want to be around you. It's not so much proving yourself as fully participating in the friendship or romance.

 

It's why I suggested you start with a service organization. Your interactions with others can at first be you all being of service. That shared hardship will help you form bonds with the other volunteers when you all have the same purpose.

[basil67]

I've spent the last 20 years with zero intimate relationships. How many times do you think I have tried. I've met two famous people. Like everyone they were stuck inside themselves. You realize that you have to bring gifts to the table for people and you get tired. Why should I spend my life trying to prove myself to others. I had to walk away from my whole family and want to be treated as a person.

 

I'm so sorry you're in this situation Incubation.

 

Yes, people who have friends DO bring something to the table. As a previous poster said, friendship is about give and take. For starters, it's expected that you bring thoughtfulness, compassion and understanding to the table. On top of being kind and thoughtful, you must have the type of personality with attracts others: Positive outlook, good humour, willing to join them on activities and generally be a good friend to have.

 

That said, there is sometimes a line where one party needs more support and compassion than their friends can reasonably give. The friends get tired of having to give support and more support. Then they have to move on because the friendship becomes too much of a drain.

 

What is the relevance of having met famous people?

Edited September 28, 2018 by basil67

[Rotn'roses]

My mother, grandparents, uncles and great aunts, etc, and my boyfriend all passed away, about ten years I have been on my own...I did not even feel it was strange until someone pointed it out to me about seven years ago...or until I see family movies during the holidays...but I do not feel strange about it, or about the fact that I have no close friends. I know and meet a lot of people and I am courteous to them all and amicable with most. I have my ten year old son and my church activities and university or continuing education classes and work occasionally, along with past relationships...it does not make me feel like I am lacking anything though, even though my closest living relative is my own son. I guess people either suck sometimes in families, or die, or friends drift off over the years...I have no concept of what a life in the mid thirties should look like, I suppose...it is what it is...plus, a lot of autistic people lack social relationships...either way, I find very little lacking in my life because I stay extremely busy...I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, even if you are alone...there are many others with a similar situation as you are experiencing...if it brings you a lot of grief, perhaps building healthy, long lasting relationships is what you are looking for and may I suggest you start with a furry friend if you do not already have one and build up from there. I pray it all works out to your benefit soon and that you find a good, solid support group or network of professionals or friends that you can share yourself with!

[vla1120]

Join something, particularly an established charitable / civic group: the Elks, the Moose, the Lions, the Kiwanis, a pet rescue, a theater group, a small museum, whatever floats your boat but is active. Go to the meetings. Help out at the fundraisers. When you roll up your sleeves & work side by side with people to advance a good cause you care about you develop lasting friendships.

 

THIS! Think of one cause that interests you and find a group in your area that volunteers time toward that cause.

[larri]

This is a topic that might seem a little strange and it's tough to find much, if any advice about. I have no friends and no family. It is extremely stressful and I survive on unhealthy coping behaviours.

 

I find that there is very little understanding of this experience. In the very few times I have tried to express myself about it, people will insist that this situation is by conscious choice. Its also been my experience that when I've tried to talk about the events which lead to the complete breakdown of my family, people will deny that it could happen or respect how terrifying and confusing they were. These are things which I have recurring nightmares about even 20 years later. It's like I'm cursed.

 

Obviously people need meaningful interactions in their lives and I want to try and force myself to learn about people again and maybe build relationships in a minimal way. But it's so hard. I don't know how to act, who to approach, I feel embarrassed and pretty humiliated at not having a social circle. What do I even say if someone asks about my background? Because having no family is not really something people like to hear.

 

So does anyone else have this issue. I don't mean limited friends - I mean nothing, zilch, nada. And what do you think. Please don't advise counselling - therapists don't want to know.

hard for you. I want to quickly find a friend.

[Vesna]

I think having family is overrated.

 

Recently, I walked away from the last abusive family member and now my slate is clean. I was going through cancer treatment and this a-hole was there for me once a fortnight, just to sell me pot.

 

I live with depression and most of the people I know are mentally ill. It's not worth pursuing friendships with them. They are hard work and if I do forge some kind of friendship, I need to control how often I see them and even then, for how long. Some have taken this very personally and things just turn to **** after that. One day off from friends and it is all "where were you? What were you doing? Why don't i hear from you?" Yawn.

 

I am secure in my own company and have my hobbies and books. My only fear with regards to being a loner is that if I get cancer again, I will be alone with it.

[Pastypop]

Have you thought about moving to a new town? I used to live in a city that was so isolating. If you had a lot of money or a kid who was the best on the team, then you had all kinds of friends. If you didn’t have anything to offer, nobody wanted anything to do with you.

 

When I moved, things got much better. I now have co-workers, friends and neighbors to talk to. Don’t tell anyone that you don’t have friends or family. That’s a huge red flag to people. Just make something up about family and friends when they ask. Say things like my family lives in such and such and that you visit on holidays. Or that you just moved here and don’t know anybody yet. Good Luck!

[starlight8]

Thank you, it is amazing that you mention the narcissistic family, this is something I have survived and left for good. But leaving isn't enough. Like I said at the start this is a forbidden topic, the vast majority of people will not understand having violent narcissistic parents and can become very angry when you try to explain. This makes it so difficult to talk about because you have to be careful where you talk. Family is supposed to be sacred and good and people (even professional counselors) cannot accept they were manipulators and opportunists and you had to leave forever. It's ruined my life and people won't accept it and I have nowhere to go. I hate this.

 

 

I've spent the last 20 years with zero intimate relationships. How many times do you think I have tried. I've met two famous people. Like everyone they were stuck inside themselves. You realize that you have to bring gifts to the table for people and you get tired. Why should I spend my life trying to prove myself to others. I had to walk away from my whole family and want to be treated as a person.

 

My family is horribly narcissistic too.

And the way people can turn around and act all uncomfortable around you for speaking the truth is SO frustrating, it's a form of victim-blaming: keep your mouth shut otherwise YOU are the problem. Shoot the messenger, basically.

 

I can no longer be bothered with any of this nonsense. People from nice, supportive families can carry on and live in their little bubble. Most likely, most of these families aren't all as perfect as they seem anyway, but they rather not say it because you're 'supposed' to love your family.

Anyway, I can say that there are many, many others in your shoes. I started speaking my truth - though not in an inappropriate way, and by that, I don't mean it is inappropriate for you to have your truth but that deep personal problems should be shared with people you trust. Or at least have spent some time with first to guage whether the two of you will get along.

Anyway, doing that has enabled others like me to speak up and talk of their experiences too. And from there, you bond.

 

I spent 5 years in medical school and all those doctor-to-be kids who appear so incredibly privileged and from happy homes...well, let me tell you, after being forced to bond together through all that shared stress, all the stories came out and there were countless stories of abusive/overbearing/controlling/mentally unwell in some form or another families.

Things aren't all as they appear on the surface.

 

I think perhaps you judge yourself incredibly harshly and as a result, you most likely interpret the world through this lens too. That people will be judgemental of you. I'm not saying everyone out there is perfect and non-judgemental but there WILL be some nice people along the way.

 

I would say work on your self-esteem first. There are many things you can do on your own to improve that.

Examples: eat right, learn to cook new recipes, save and travel to see more of the world, try new hobbies (not necessarily clubs to meet people, but just activities that get your blood pumping/get you have fun. One year I was so depressed, I got the point where I thought: i have nothing to lose, so i went to a gymnastics class and ended up coming home cheeks flushed and smiling after flying up in the air on the trampoline) - even just google: 'what new things can i try'. There is so much out there.

 

But all this stuff takes time. It IS tiring in the beginning, to be honest. But it does pay off. I'm rooting for you though. I always have way more affection and interest in those kids and adults who have had to go through hell and high water even just to survive never mind feel happy and safe and secure in the world, like other kids learnt to take for granted. The world is simply not fair and for some of us, hell was placed on our heads the day we were born, out of no choice or fault of ours whatsoever. It's one of the things in this world that I find sickening, and turns my stomach. That, for whatever reason, or maybe its no reason at all, some of the infants born at anytime will immediately start an emotional sentence that they will then have to suffer the repercussions of later on.

 

And other people have the ignorance to judge and blame and make them feel even worse...it's appalling.