Always attracted to the same type girl...yet I'm very conservative

[ericw899]

I can't understand why I always go after the same types of girls, when in the end, they are always very different from me and always screw me over. I'm a very conservative and reserved guy. I drink socially, don't smoke, don't do drugs, never had sex. Yet for some reason the only women I find attractive are those who are "troubled". Usually they have been treated poorly by men in the past, lack a father figure, drink, smoke, do drugs and sleep around a lot. They say they want the same things as me, but really just use me until they get tired.

 

Now the frustrating part is how I only find these types women attractive. A buddy of mine wants to set me up with a friend of his. She is a very sweet, smart, intelligent girl who has shown interested in me, but I just don't feel it. I don't feel physically attracted to her and I feel like she would be boring, despite that she is more similar to me. Why do I only find girls attractive who exhibit qualities I don't agree with?

[HiCrunchy]

I can't understand why I always go after the same types of girls, when in the end, they are always very different from me and always screw me over. I'm a very conservative and reserved guy. I drink socially, don't smoke, don't do drugs, never had sex. Yet for some reason the only women I find attractive are those who are "troubled". Usually they have been treated poorly by men in the past, lack a father figure, drink, smoke, do drugs and sleep around a lot. They say they want the same things as me, but really just use me until they get tired.

 

Now the frustrating part is how I only find these types women attractive. A buddy of mine wants to set me up with a friend of his. She is a very sweet, smart, intelligent girl who has shown interested in me, but I just don't feel it. I don't feel physically attracted to her and I feel like she would be boring, despite that she is more similar to me. Why do I only find girls attractive who exhibit qualities I don't agree with?

 

Maybe you have a hero complex and enjoy fixing or rescuing people that are troubled.

 

You also find the drama exciting but know that it leads to trouble.

 

You are you own worst enemy. Like those girls that want to date a bad boy so that she change him.

[Mrin]

You have White Knight syndrome. It usually doesn't work.

[BaileyB]

A lot of people believe that an emotionally intense, drama filled relationship with a super hot woman and/or super hot sex is what they seek in a relationship. This site is littered with people asking the questions "But, there is no drama. It's a little boring. Perhaps, I'm not really attracted to her. There must be something missing..."

 

The truth is, it's often just an unhealthy attraction/attachment to an often unhealthy partner.

 

It's not love. True love still means that you are attracted to your partner, that you are excited by her presence... But, there is a calm, a comfort, a security in the relationship.

 

Obviously, you have some work to do as you try to figure out why you are attracted to these women/relationships. I do not have the answer for you except to say, it's an important that you find the answer. Continuing in this way will bring you a lifetime of drama and hurt. Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

Is this related (at least in part) to your last thread, OP?

 

You were debating meeting a highly sexualized girl, probably against your better judgement - did you wind up meeting her?

[thefooloftheyear]

Yeah, Im not that surprisedll...IME, those types are usually the best looking...

 

But if you don't be true to who you really are, you will never be happy and will likely constantly be abused by those types of women...

 

TFY

[ericw899]

Is this related (at least in part) to your last thread, OP?

 

You were debating meeting a highly sexualized girl, probably against your better judgement - did you wind up meeting her?

 

Yes this is related. We actually didn't meetup because she blew me off. Which made me realize there is a trend where I always go for these certain type women, who I'm always very sweet to, but then wind up getting blown off/hurt.

 

I should note I'm not too sad about it, as I doubt she was for me, but it's frustrating to be stood up last minute & be sitting in a bar for hours waiting for her, only to see on snapchat she is at the movies with friends.

[preraph]

I can't understand why I always go after the same types of girls, when in the end, they are always very different from me and always screw me over. I'm a very conservative and reserved guy. I drink socially, don't smoke, don't do drugs, never had sex. Yet for some reason the only women I find attractive are those who are "troubled". Usually they have been treated poorly by men in the past, lack a father figure, drink, smoke, do drugs and sleep around a lot. They say they want the same things as me, but really just use me until they get tired.

 

Now the frustrating part is how I only find these types women attractive. A buddy of mine wants to set me up with a friend of his. She is a very sweet, smart, intelligent girl who has shown interested in me, but I just don't feel it. I don't feel physically attracted to her and I feel like she would be boring, despite that she is more similar to me. Why do I only find girls attractive who exhibit qualities I don't agree with?

 

 

Because we're the fun ones. I saw it over and over again. People who keep themselves on a short leash like to live vicariously through others.

[stillafool]

OP, you're no different than the women who come here complaining about bad boys they constantly go after. You like the bad girls as that's what turns you on. When you fix your picker you will find nice girls. Do you want to be bored or miserable. LOL, I know there's other choices out there.

[Springsummer]

strange...I don't think I have ever attracted to 'bad' boys type. Smoking, excessively drinking, drug, sleeping around turn me off instantly.

 

I am drawn to good looking, strong, fun and smart type though.

 

I do like men who have a bit of 'bad' in them. bad in the senses that they are unconventional, etc...definitely not drinking and sleeping around that kind of bad. that kind of bad is just weak, stupid and loose.

[ericw899]

strange...I don't think I have ever attracted to 'bad' boys type. Smoking, excessively drinking, drug, sleeping around turn me off instantly.

 

I am drawn to good looking, strong, fun and smart type though.

 

I do like men who have a bit of 'bad' in them. bad in the senses that they are unconventional, etc...definitely not drinking and sleeping around that kind of bad. that kind of bad is just weak, stupid and loose.

 

I agree with you which is why I am so confused. I don't approve of any of that stuff, yet it's the girls who do that kind of stuff that I find most attractive. I think it's just my preference in girls who coincidentally always wind up doing that stuff.

[carhill]

Out there is more stimulating than quiet. More raw.

 

If that is your only 'type' and you consciously pass over other women who don't fit the type, it's up to you to broaden your attraction style to include less obviously stimulating women. You might be surprised how stimulating they can be once intimate with them. Kinda like you're quiet and reserved in your public face and private can be different.

 

My main problem decades ago as a young man was the steady, stable, quiet ones were all married and they got snapped up quick once they hinted they were going back on the market. I found plenty of them attractive but, eh, already spoken for. I ended up marrying the most stable woman I could find and she did turn out to be a good wife in that regard. If she'd loved me more we'd probably still be married. That's how it goes though. Now I kinda chuckle at the wild ones. They're great for a fun time but I'm glad to go back to the peace and quiet of my own space. Yeah, there are wild ones in the 50's-up crowd too. It never gets old

[coolheadal]

I can't understand why I always go after the same types of girls, when in the end, they are always very different from me and always screw me over. I'm a very conservative and reserved guy. I drink socially, don't smoke, don't do drugs, never had sex. Yet for some reason the only women I find attractive are those who are "troubled". Usually they have been treated poorly by men in the past, lack a father figure, drink, smoke, do drugs and sleep around a lot. They say they want the same things as me, but really just use me until they get tired.

 

Now the frustrating part is how I only find these types women attractive. A buddy of mine wants to set me up with a friend of his. She is a very sweet, smart, intelligent girl who has shown interested in me, but I just don't feel it. I don't feel physically attracted to her and I feel like she would be boring, despite that she is more similar to me. Why do I only find girls attractive who exhibit qualities I don't agree with?

 

Well yes I see what your saying? You can't change because this is who you are. You like these sort of women because that's your ego and that's what you programmed to go after. For each one of us men there is someone else for us too. Now the way the world is today women have been through a lot bad guys, jerks, aggressive bully men, all sorts of abuse (verbal physical and mental) some even have mental break downs.

 

Worst are:

 

schizophrenic

psychopathic

sociopathic

voyeurism

clinical depression

 

These are the most common I ran into in woman. Oh yes as a healer "totally emotional wreck" these are really hard woman to deal with always crying never stop being upset.

 

So you are with women your mind, heart and soul wants to be with and that's it. You see you can't even go out with a sweet nice normal girl because she would bore you to death. Where as a crazy woman won't bore you because you know what you like. I like normal but I end up with crazy! LOL

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes this is related. We actually didn't meetup because she blew me off. Which made me realize there is a trend where I always go for these certain type women, who I'm always very sweet to, but then wind up getting blown off/hurt.

 

I'm trying to understand how you can be "very sweet" to girls you're not in relationships with or, in this case, haven't even met or dated?

 

You may be coming on too strong, giving off a clingy and needy vibe that's scaring them off. Similar to the girl who's talking about the kind of kids you'll have together on the second date...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ericw899]

I'm trying to understand how you can be "very sweet" to girls you're not in relationships with or, in this case, haven't even met or dated?

 

You may be coming on too strong, giving off a clingy and needy vibe that's scaring them off. Similar to the girl who's talking about the kind of kids you'll have together on the second date...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

In other words, I don't come on too hard, start calling them babe, baby etc. too soon. State that I am looking only for a relationship, not just using them for sex or hook-ups. I listen to them intently and take genuine interest in their lives

[stillafool]

I hate to tell you this OP but you probably bore the women you are attracted to and that is one of the reasons it isn't working out for you. They probably find you too nice for them. I think bad girls/bad guys are more than just the smoking and heavy drinking types. It's a state of mind they have related to people and relationships. I've known really quiet, shy people who smoke like chimneys and drink heavy.

[preraph]

Most guys I met like this ended up more like a fan or acquaintance than anything else. Not saying they were orbiters even. They just liked having access to the fun lifestyle. But I did date one. He was good on paper. He was good looking but not in the way I usually appreciated (long hair, edgy) but was handsome in a clean-cut preppy way. His family had moderate money, owned a small-town newspaper. He was far along in school working in marine biology. He'd fly into town to see me and bring his iguana.

 

Now, this guy was a friend of a girlfriend of mine who'd worked at the paper. How I met him is the night of her engagement party, I went 40 miles to where it was and she had promised me I could use her apartment to spend the night because this is when I was a champagne lush. Well, she also promised him he could stay there. It was a one-bedroom garage apartment. Nowhere else to sleep. When I arrived, he was already there going through her drawers to see what she was up to (she was a crazy entertaining but smart nut case). This is where it all relates back to the OP's post, guys who are attracted to wild women. He was clearly one of these.

 

We decided there was nothing for it but to share the bed platonically. All was fine and proper. Next morning we watched cartoons and then he started wanting to date me, so we dated.

 

No sex. Not sure why. He probably figured we'd been platonic and spent the night, and he didn't think it was gentlemanly to rush into something. He told me all about his doctorate research which involved a microorganism in great detail. Other than that or talking about our mutual friend or the iguana, we had zilch to talk about and he was pretty quiet -- and yes, finally I just got bored and stressed from having to be the one to keep the conversation going while steering it away from seabugs. A sad ending to a perfect on paper guy. He married the next woman he dated, and I know she was far better suited. I hope he got a little wild, but I kinda doubt it.

[spiderowl]

It seems you are attracted to girls who lack self-control but at the same time they choose to do what they want to do and are successful at that. Maybe the question to ask is why do you find self-control unattractive? I can understand that someone a bit 'wild' can seem like fun because they do more adventurous and unpredictable things, but therein lies the disadvantage too.

 

Initial physical attraction is important but attraction can grow. Because you do not find someone attractive initially does not mean they will not grow on you. Maybe spend time with someone a bit different from your 'type' and see how it goes, keeping it at friendship level at first. I think you might be surprised how attraction can grow.

 

Well at least you know your 'type' and you are aware of the pitfalls. I suspect you will carry on dating these women because of the initial attraction and, as you say, getting screwed over. What qualities do you actually want in a girlfriend? Do these women have the qualities you really want or are you blinded by initial physical attraction?

[Mr. Lucky]

In other words, I don't come on too hard, start calling them babe, baby etc. too soon.

 

Not what I was talking about.

 

State that I am looking only for a relationship, not just using them for sex or hook-ups. I listen to them intently and take genuine interest in their lives

 

But this is.

 

My friend, lighten up! What kind of first date conversation is this? You'll have more luck simply letting things proceed organically, plenty of time later for a relationship checklist. Be slightly reserved and a little mysterious for a change...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MountainGirl111]

Yes this is related. We actually didn't meetup because she blew me off. Which made me realize there is a trend where I always go for these certain type women, who I'm always very sweet to, but then wind up getting blown off/hurt.

 

I should note I'm not too sad about it, as I doubt she was for me, but it's frustrating to be stood up last minute & be sitting in a bar for hours waiting for her, only to see on snapchat she is at the movies with friends.

 

That d*mn "Snapchat" ... it's caused more problems ... c'mon. Don't people ever meet face to face anymore? That's what's real, man. Face to face. Anyone stands me up? I'm outta there. Anyone don't want to be around me? I'm outta there. Anyone doesn't want to talk about interesting things? I'm outta there. Anyone doesn't really listen to me? I'm outta there. Anyone doesn't appreciate what I do? I'm outta there, man.

 

I think maybe it would be good for you to meet a greater variety of women. Not just the bad girls and not just the goody two shoes. There are many women somewhere in between that. Get out there and try out a few dates with different women. Do you just do OLD? If so, I'd recommend meeting women in real life more.

[ericw899]

That d*mn "Snapchat" ... it's caused more problems ... c'mon. Don't people ever meet face to face anymore? That's what's real, man. Face to face. Anyone stands me up? I'm outta there. Anyone don't want to be around me? I'm outta there. Anyone doesn't want to talk about interesting things? I'm outta there. Anyone doesn't really listen to me? I'm outta there. Anyone doesn't appreciate what I do? I'm outta there, man.

 

I think maybe it would be good for you to meet a greater variety of women. Not just the bad girls and not just the goody two shoes. There are many women somewhere in between that. Get out there and try out a few dates with different women. Do you just do OLD? If so, I'd recommend meeting women in real life more.

 

Yes, I only do OLD. I want to meet people in person but it's hard since I have very few friends, and on top of that, I wouldn't even know where to begin.

[MountainGirl111]

Yes, I only do OLD. I want to meet people in person but it's hard since I have very few friends, and on top of that, I wouldn't even know where to begin.

 

Again....going back to getting out of your comfort zone. If talking to people face to face is not easy for you, the ONLY way you're going get over that is to do it. Go out for a walk in public and start by making eye contact with others and nodding your head and saying hi or hey.

 

I've never done OLD. It doesn't have any appeal to me at all. I don't like that everyone is doing everything through their smartphones and seem to be addicted to their smart phones and I use mine a lot too. I'm not totally against technology. But it can never replace real life and face to face in person. JMO...this mentally of thinking you can just swipe left or swipe right and by magic you're going to come up with the perfect date.