Can I be worthy of love

[sickoflove11]

Alright, I think I've figured it out. According to two of my friends (basically only friends) and my therapist, I feel unworthy of being loved. I guess I am very cynical about love and marriage, but I don't know how I got to be this way. I became single a few years ago, got myself together and wanted to date again. It all turned out horribly. I've talked to over 50 guys on apps (Tinder, hinge) and gone on 4 dates over the last 2 years. I'm not on the apps much because I have a busy life and it just gets me down every time I get rejected.

Half of these guys just talk and talk and I hate that. I'm not trying to be a pen pal. I've learned now that if I continue to try OLD I won't let it get past a few days of phone communication before making a date or not.

 

I've honestly just given up completely because I went on a date last week and once again, one date and it was over. He acted like we were going to go on another date because he said we should.. he texted me the next day saying he wished he could make me feel better with dinner and wine. And then the following day said I don't think we'd work out in the long run. LIKE OK?!

I didn't feel much between us, but I thought hey, I'd go on a second date because the first date is nerve racking and just weird sometime. It's just so weird that we had so much "good" conversation over text and in person, and then we meet and it's over. That's why I hate the pre texting stuff. I just don't get why I can never get a second date. We also kissed goodbye and he went full make-out... in the middle of a parking lot. Kind of threw me off.

 

Back to my point. I'm not sure how to feel worthy of love?! Like it's not a switch I can just flip and I don't understand how to feel worthy. I think I do feel like I am worthy but I guess deep down, not really. Has anyone dealt with these feelings? I don't want to feel unworthy of love, I don't know when this happened.

[MaleIntuition]

Well, I’m not a therapist, but what you are describing here sounds very normal and I honestly can’t see how this is related to not being worthy of love, 4 dates is really nothing in the grand scheme of things.

 

I think the biggest problem with apps such as tinder is that they are used for both serious dating and casual hookups. When men use these apps they will swipe based on “would have / wouldn’t have sex with”. When you combine that fact with the fact that many men have lower “standards” for sleeping with someone than for a serious relationship; it’s quite obvious that most girls matches will not be interested in serious relationships with them.

 

My point is; you are probably not alone.

[smackie9]

I find that if you don't have a fulfilling life of good friends, a broad social circle, hobbies, an open mind to learning new things, adventurous, happy, flirty and confidence, you won't drawn much in a man's interest. Like everyone, they want the whole package in order to want to build a life with that person.

 

 

 

You need to step back and take a good look at your life, see what you have, see where you can work on things and advance to increase your potential. Start with stress release, like jogging or yoga to clear the cobwebs and help you focus on the good, not the bad. Add simple challenges where you see results of accomplishment. That can really give you a boost mentally and feel good about yourself.

 

 

 

This dating stuff can be put on hold until you have a more positive outlook, because as of now it's really having a negative effect on you and it's only going to get worse.

[mortensorchid]

I have been under a black cloud about this as well, as many others on the forum can attest to. One person I went to college with who I saw about 10 years ago told me I would never marry or have children because I am too weird. That was very hurtful. It's also hurtful to have someone say "No wonder you're (age) and still single" (when they themselves are on marriage #3 or #4), "You're an old maid", etc. I say nothing to them when they say these things. Karma is a bitch, what they give out they will get back 3x. FACT.

 

Never give up. You may be a bitter, beaten down person, but you are as hard as a rock deep inside. Perseverance is a virtue, courage and bravery are rewarded rather than cowardice.

[sickoflove11]

I find that if you don't have a fulfilling life of good friends, a broad social circle, hobbies, an open mind to learning new things, adventurous, happy, flirty and confidence, you won't drawn much in a man's interest. Like everyone, they want the whole package in order to want to build a life with that person.

 

 

You need to step back and take a good look at your life, see what you have, see where you can work on things and advance to increase your potential. Start with stress release, like jogging or yoga to clear the cobwebs and help you focus on the good, not the bad. Add simple challenges where you see results of accomplishment. That can really give you a boost mentally and feel good about yourself.

 

 

This dating stuff can be put on hold until you have a more positive outlook, because as of now it's really having a negative effect on you and it's only going to get worse.

 

This is the problem though. I have done all those things. I took a step back, started going to the gym, reevaluating my friendships and life goals.

I go to the gym 5-7 times a week, I love it, it's my release and better therapy than my therapist was. I have a couple close girl friends who live in another state. I have maybe 2 where I live but they are both seeing guys and busy a lot.

It's not easy to make friends or boyfriends, where I live. I am always looking to learn new things, I love the outdoors, I am not very flirty and that's not going to change. It's just not me. I am just so tired of the same thing happening over and over again from these apps. I see no use in continuing wasting my time on them only to end up disappointed and all my other thoughts to be reaffirmed.

I think I have a positive outlook on life in general, so if outsiders are saying that I don't, I don't know how to change. I don't know the first step. I want to change and like I said, I want to learn. I just can't see what I'm missing.

I don't know if anyone can see it or help me besides myself, but if anyone has had similar experiences I'd like to hear what helped them I guess.

[smackie9]

You don't have to be a flirtatious expert. Flirting can be as simple as, a good sense of humor, using your wit, friendly banter, body language. A lot of this stuff in on the net...how to use body language to show sexual interest or even to being receptive to your date. Smiling and good eye contact goes a long way. How you dress, how you smell, and how you carry yourself with confidence will get you noticed.

 

 

 

I've gone through this with mortensorchid as well. If you don't present yourself as put together visually, and have a happy glowing confident personality..you won't get yerself a man of your dreams if you don't act like a woman of someone's dreams. I really can't stress that enough.

 

 

 

For example, when I'm at work, I am bubbly, funny, and tease people. Since I'm am the receiver I have to interact with all kinds of delivery and service guys, most are regulars. Now I'm not done up in a skirt or high heels, I'm in jeans and work boots. I come at them all friendly, I do my banter to try to make them laugh while they wait for the forklift to come around. Some will hint that they are now divorced and ask if I have any kids/married. My dispatcher in the other office can hear our interaction, and there have been plenty of times she says, omg that guy wants you bad and laughs.

 

 

 

TBH it's really not that hard to do. It's a simple formula: friendly, confident, smile, good eye contact, wit/humor. No need to be sexual at all BUT in a dating situation, sexual is key.

[Chilli]

Well , it's for one thing really smart you talk to a lot of people but chose only a few dates ,you've tried to use your head and not bother with bs.

l'm not in the states and things seem to work so different there but here we don't waste time on bs and 100s of people. Women usually look for relationship in anyone and if they don't see that they won't bother, which l think is the only way to go , l like a girl that's smart and self respecting about this stuff, but anyway.

And she won't hesitate saying day one minute one she's not hooking up she's only interested in a relationship or bla bla.

 

tbh you sound great you look after yourself and your aware and you have stuff and life going on and your trying to be careful about this stuff.

l dunno , hate to say it but too it;s also such a luck thing , right place right time bla bla.

l think all l could say is keep trying to find out before you bother with someone, if they're serious about finding someone and want the same stuff and you have things in common and talk easy and stuff. hopefully someone really really stands out in all that stuff.

lt's easy to do here we'd be talking about all that in a few minutes or if you were using date sites she'll say right there on her page anyway and he usually will too.

 

lt's hard to explain but you probably know it anyway being female but in life in general too, women have told me many a time there's like a switch and if they're open to meeting someone they kinda turn that on and guys pick it up and so if someone is interested he'll try to meet you.

l don't know how to do it l'm not female haha, but l know it when l see it and if you can, just in life, out and about , living , day to day , that can make a world of difference if the right guy happens around at the time. Because if she doesn't have the open to it feel he won't bother if that makes sense.

 

Hope something here helps.

Edited September 23, 2018 by Chilli

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He acted like we were going to go on another date because he said we should.. he texted me the next day saying he wished he could make me feel better with dinner and wine. And then the following day said I don't think we'd work out in the long run. LIKE OK?!

I didn't feel much between us, but I thought hey, I'd go on a second date because the first date is nerve racking and just weird sometime.

 

Did you communicate to him that you wanted to see him again?

[sickoflove11]

Did you communicate to him that you wanted to see him again?

 

Yeah, I said that would be fun when he suggested a second date option. I wasn't really that into him so I'm not upset that I've "lost the potential love of my life" or anything of that sort. I'm just thoroughly convinced I'll never get a second date from these dating apps so I'm going to be giving up on that for awhile.

[nospam99]

I'm just thoroughly convinced I'll never get a second date from these dating apps so I'm going to be giving up on that for awhile.

 

Rewind ... play ...

 

OP, I'll start by asserting it is harder for a guy to get a first or second (or third) date than it is for a gal. The reason is that 'we' (I'm male) almost always have to be the one asking while the ladies get to decide.

 

That said, it sounds like you are looking for a relationship more than for NSA sex. I'll ask and suggest that you don't give up on 'these dating apps' without comparing the differences. IME of almost a year, the most important thing about one of the 'apps' is how much information I get to help me decide before I even contact a woman how 'right' she may be for me. At one end of the spectrum is something like Bumble or Tinder. I admit I haven't used either. But what I hear here (sic) on LS is that they give you little more than the easily faked appearance of the other person. My preferences are match.com and POF. They are open ended and many people (women for me) write several paragraphs which provide insight into, at least, who they say they are. If they are among the 'apps' that you have not yet tried, I suggest trying them before 'giving up ... for a while'.

[sickoflove11]

Rewind ... play ...

 

OP, I'll start by asserting it is harder for a guy to get a first or second (or third) date than it is for a gal. The reason is that 'we' (I'm male) almost always have to be the one asking while the ladies get to decide.

 

That said, it sounds like you are looking for a relationship more than for NSA sex. I'll ask and suggest that you don't give up on 'these dating apps' without comparing the differences. IME of almost a year, the most important thing about one of the 'apps' is how much information I get to help me decide before I even contact a woman how 'right' she may be for me. At one end of the spectrum is something like Bumble or Tinder. I admit I haven't used either. But what I hear here (sic) on LS is that they give you little more than the easily faked appearance of the other person. My preferences are match.com and POF. They are open ended and many people (women for me) write several paragraphs which provide insight into, at least, who they say they are. If they are among the 'apps' that you have not yet tried, I suggest trying them before 'giving up ... for a while'.

 

 

I would be open to NSA sex if we both agreed or talked about it. It just never gets that far. But a closer relationship is probably more my speed anyways since I am apparently very sensitive when it comes to all this. Those other dating sites are probably much better, you're right. But I think my point is getting dismissed? Someone said what I am feeling is very normal.. but I'm not sure how normal it is to feel unworthy of love? I don't think it's a good idea to continue trying to date if people view me/I feel this way. So yeah, still at a loss here.

[khalessi]

Im learning I guess it takes a lot of work and sometimes a lot of attention and that's hard to do when you lead a busy life.....maybe take a short break or try to meet people in person instead of on apps...

[spiderowl]

It's possible that your feeling of not being worthy for love goes back a long way, to childhood/school/whatever. Did something happen that made you feel different/not as worthy as others? You don't have to say, but it is something to think about. That feeling might have been triggered but it was an unfortunate occurrence and that feeling is no longer relevant to your current life. Think of it as a redundant way of looking at yourself. You can look at yourself as being worthy of love, there is no reason why you should not be.

 

If you don't value yourself, it is easy to convey that message to others in subtle ways - like hanging on to their words and listening for ages when you are actually bored. Like fitting around their schedule rather than having one of your own they need to compromise with too. Like being self-denigrating in company. I know it is difficult to get out of a habit of thinking about yourself negatively and I am not saying you are to blame at all.

 

At the moment, it sounds like the guys you are meeting are seeing you as a friend to chat to or as a possible opportunity for sex. These guys do not seem to be looking for a relationship. You are probably meeting the wrong kind of guys. When you chat to a guy online, if they mess you around at all, waste your time, or say things you feel are disrespectful or rude, then let them know (in a nice way) that you are not interested in that kind of thing. Spend less time on them. You can subtly let them know what kind of guy you are interested in and pay them less attention if they fall short. They will pick up on this and realise that you are not going to put up with disrespect. Respect is essential from the start. It works both ways of course.

 

It may seem weird that the way to improve your chances of meeting the right guy is to push away the ones who are not up to scratch. You might think you would lose out if you said no, or showed that you would not spend too much time if they were behaving badly. But, it works! The ill-mannered guys will fall by the wayside and you will be left with the gems. You are worthy of love so take that to heart.