Really need to unload. Am I a silly cow!

[Missharleyquinn]

Hi all, this is the first time I have ever posted any of my personal business on a message board but I’m really struggling keeping all this to myself. My heads in such a spin. Anyway here goes..3 years ago I started having an affair. A year later we were certain we wanted to be together and both left our spouses. We continued to live separately and as both had children we played safe in regards to them. Things were very hard. Nothing has prepared us for just how hard this would be emotionally, family wise, friends. Fast forward 8 months I found messages on his phone from another woman, we stupidly tried to make it work but he eventually left me to be with her last August. I was a mess, devastated. I loved him. We had always had a funny relationship where we could communicate openly about everything! He was my support, so I continued to keep in touch. While trying to accept we just weren’t meant to be together in that way. We didn’t meet up but chatted a couple of times a week and messaged almost everyday. For the past four months. We have became very close again. We started meeting for lunch or dinner and drinks. We’d flirt and reminisce about the good and bad times but nothing more. Until last month. We have been sleeping with each other. He is still with the woman he left me for and has said we will never be together as we didn’t work. So he’s now cheating on her with me!! I did agree. But now my heads all over the place. I know you will say he’s having his cake and eating it. But it’s not just about sex! It’s more emotional than physical. More friendship and liking each other. He has said he loves me and cares about me. Wants me to meet someone too. I just don’t understand what I’m doing???!!!!!!

 

Sorry it’s such a long message. There’s a lot more to this story too but that’s a basic intro to my weird life!

[preraph]

Some guys aren't looking for one right woman. They're looking for multiple women who will all put up with the situation. He values sex more than love or friendship, period. That's his priority. He doesn't care why he's having sex with you. He's just happy to have varied sex choices.

[FMW]

What you're doing is settling for any crumb you can get from him because you love him and you haven't reached the point of being able to let go.

 

He's telling you and showing you he's not going to change, this is all he's ever going to offer you. Don't let yourself hope or believe otherwise.

 

Keep reading all the unhappy and painful stories here, maybe they'll help you get to your breaking point soon and you'll be able to walk away and stay for good. That's all we can offer you - you have to be the one to do the hard work of ending it.

[stillafool]

He has basically made you a permanent mistress in his life with no intentions of promoting you to his wife or girlfriend. When a man tells you he hopes you meet another man he is definitely not in love.

[elaine567]

Who is this other woman?

Was she single, divorced, married?

[Springsummer]

He has basically made you a permanent mistress in his life with no intentions of promoting you to his wife or girlfriend. When a man tells you he hopes you meet another man he is definitely not in love.

 

He said he loves her. but you said he is not in love with her. wow, such a fine line...

 

maybe some people just not capable loving one person?

[Imajerk17]

Well, first, let's look at the situation for what it really is here: you betrayed your vows and your H for a whole year and then left said H for another man who was betraying his vows too....and who in turn ended up leaving you. I'm sorry to have to say this but many people would consider this to be you getting what you deserve.

 

OP you are being played like a fiddle. He doesn't seem to put much value in integrity (although to be fair considering what you did to your H neither do you) and he is saying everything he needs to say to keep you on the hook.

 

I realize this post was tough, but we cannot improve situations until we see them (including ourselves) for how they really are.

Edited September 23, 2018 by Imajerk17

[stillafool]

You can love a person but not be "in love" with them.

[Mr. Lucky]

I loved him. We had always had a funny relationship where we could communicate openly about everything! He was my support, so I continued to keep in touch. While trying to accept we just weren’t meant to be together in that way. We didn’t meet up but chatted a couple of times a week and messaged almost everyday. For the past four months. We have became very close again.

 

You seem plagued by an inability to see both him and the relationship with him as they really are. At each step, you've really just been a convenience to him. You helped him leave his marriage, survive the interim, find this new woman and get some variety when bored. You've been his Uber, available NSA when needed and forgotten when his attention has moved on.

 

I'm not sure why you don't think you deserve better than this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mardelis]

If they cheat with you, odds are they're going to cheat on you.

 

 

 

A person's actions define them, their words are often meaningless.

[maxi105]

hello miss hq...this is going to be a pretty short reply just on what I think and what is here.

 

 

the answer I think that might be the best thing for you if you can do it is to meet someone new or get this guy out of your system. easier im sure to say that than for you to do it, ...maybe? but its what you need to do to stop things getting any harder for your situation). you say you love this man, but he clearly isn't in love with you (or his wife).

 

 

I don't know why you don't value yourself a lot more than you should? are you frightened of being alone? do you like the thrill and attention (partial attention) that an affair offers whislt he's with you?....whatever it is that you do like, it is clear that what you cant handle is the reality of the emotional baggage that also comes with affairs.

 

 

you've already experienced the pain of leaving your spouse and children if ive read your post right; so I don't know why you would want all of that kinda stuff floating round again. if you keep on with this, its going to come right back again to remind you just how painful emotions can get!!!! and i think you will really feel it doubled, because you've allowed yourself to be takin in again.

 

 

if life were just as simple as liking someone and having them and everyone was fine with that there'd be no loveshack!!! and no divorce battles or costs etc...

 

 

he says he loves you (but wants you to also meet someone too)!!!!!!

 

 

that isn't love. bottom line, it just aint!!!!! (unless you are consenting and really happy in a polygamous relationship or are allowed by your country/religion to have multiple partners)....it might be a bit easier, but even in what you do have - you sound like you cant handle what you've got, never mind anything consentially legal.

 

 

also, im sure even those with several wives or husbands legally are at times left out or made to feel jelouse even if its not intentional.

 

 

its majorly naieve to think you can be caught up in an affair without people (and often yourself..ie the affairee) getting very hurt and feeling used, angry etc).

 

 

do yourself a huge favour and get out of this mess. sure, some men will tell you they are unhappy and want out, and they will leave their partners and it all works out because they are sincere and genuine in what they say, they are no good if they've got to cheat and hurt others to do that, but if they leave and are honest with themselves and everyone else caught up in it then you have to admire that in some way.

 

 

but there is nothing im reading that makes me think that this guy is admirable, also, in hurting others (behind their backs or openly is not that admirable either)!

 

 

if you want real love then I think you need to look for a man that knows what that really is and is free and willing to give it but not at the expense of his sexual urges, whims or ego or another potential or absolute partner.

 

 

do you want to be used whenever he wants you, do you think his wife or other partner also loves him the same way you do?

 

 

maybe your head is in a spin because deep down you know he doesnt really love you, that he may get bored of you the way he's clearly got bored of the other women in the past.

 

 

he doesn't love you because you even are saying that you are more like friends!!!!!!!

 

 

you say you have left a lot of details out...but actually, I think in this post it will still come down to the same things for me.

 

 

I think you need to aim higher if you actually want a good, healthy, kind and caring respectful relationship.

 

 

I also think you need to think about what affairs do to other people besides yourself. maybe the other woman in also in a "SPIN" but for quite different reasons!!!!!

 

 

I think this man can see a weakness in you and is exploaiting it because he is able to do that and you are fuelling it for him whether you realise it or not.

 

 

i think if you can find happiness for yourself you will walk and think that much taller and be a lot more secure in yourself and your emotional well being.

 

 

he is having his cake...and more. you (or the other woman) get the crumbs and leftovers depending on how he feels that day!!!!!

 

 

do you wish to leave the other woman feeling devasted and a mess? are you prepared to feel devastated and a mess again....because sooner or later what you think are just feelings you can deal with will rear up into emotions that will consume you again, and for what?

 

 

the truth is he doesn't love you or respect you, either of you enough to commit.

 

 

im out of time see ya. maxi.