Dating others would end it for good

[tolongaway]

We had an awful time in the last couple of months of our ralationship which ended in my lady having to leave me. So we are officially broke up.

 

The situation at the moment is that we are seeing a councelor to see if we can find out why things got so bad and if we can get over them and work together toward reconsiliation. A lot of the problems were communicationa and a lot of them were because of my fear which comes from my past, of being abandonned.

 

I have been asked to change some things and I am doing that with help of my own counselor and I am commited to success because we love each other deeply.

 

So what is the problem?

 

We had some joint e-mail accounts and one of her friends accidentally sent a mail to that acocunt unstead of my SOs private account. It was an invitation to go Salso dancing with her and two spanish men she had just met.

 

If my lady were to go on this date then I would not continue to try and save the relationship. To me given the circumstance, this is just cheating. I would not dream of dating someone else at the moment and I told my So that when we were discussing what to do next. I did not want her to worry about what I was doing. At the time she did not give me the same reassurance and I did not ask, I just never thought it would be an issue.

 

So now I could try and tell her that this would be unacceptable to me but this might sound like manipulation and be counter productive, "if you date anyone or go on dates I will never be able to get back with you!", see how it soumds.

 

I could just hope that she is as tustworthy as I believe she is and run the risk that she does not see this as a betrayal and does it without knowing the consequences.

 

We did discuss this a little when I told her I would be faithful until I was sure that it is all over. She said that she did not know at that time and she had the right to date if she wanted to because we were broken up. Some of her friends were actually telling her she should before making any decisions and obviouslys some of her friends were trying to facilitate this,

 

Any comments welcome.

 

I have to stress to me any type of involvement with another man is a deal breaker. Dating, dinner whatever. To me you date to find partner and I will not be in a competition now. Imagine, "Yeah well I dated some guys and could not find anything better so I guess you will have to do"

[tolongaway]

Oh By the way:

 

Answers from male friends on the subject:

Just tell her she can't expect you to try and work all this out while she is of test driving other men.

 

So go get some for yourself. You want to marry her right! This could be your last chance to have some extra.

 

Answers from female friends on the subject:

You are broke up and she has every right to date. What is wrong with her dating. If you love her and want her back then you should be able to handle this. You should date as well.

 

You can tell her not to date. You have broken uo and you don't have the right to control or manipulate her by telling her you will never get back together if she does.

[tolongaway]

A lot of people are reading my threads but not replying. Is this because I am new or is there some kind of restriction because I am new.

 

I guess it could be becaus the people who looked did not have an opinion.

 

Just wondering

[alphamale]

Any comments welcome.

I think you should be a little less "nice" TALONGAWAY...that is the problems here. She has little or no respect for you.

[pearlsasinger]

If you love her, set her free or at least give her some space! If it's meant to be, it will all work out.

 

I know you feel like you're being put on the back burner right now. But from my experience when my boyfriend and I broke up, dating other people verified just how right he was for me. I realized just how much I loved him.

 

Would you really be so offended if after dating she realized: wow, he really is the best person for me...we really have something special together.

 

Telling her she can't date will only drive her away. It's like you don't want her to see what she might be missing out on. You have the same right to go out and experiment how it feels being with other people.

 

Try not to be too jealous but have a little more confidence/faith in your relationship...you have all she needs, you share something special and if it's meant to be, she will be back with total commitment. If you give her space, the excitement of dating new people should eventually wear off and she'll realize what you two have is way more significant.

 

Best of luck.

[fundamental]

 

Try not to be too jealous but have a little more confidence/faith in your relationship...you have all she needs, you share something special and if it's meant to be, she will be back with total commitment. If you give her space, the excitement of dating new people should eventually wear off and she'll realize what you two have is way more significant.

 

Best of luck.

 

The things is he doesnt seem to want to date anybody else. So, while he thinks about how he can repair the relationship, he imagines her dating and sleeping with other guys.

 

tolongaway:

 

You are going to have to try to clear those thoughts out of your head. Don't spend your time crying over this relationship... go out and get some goals accomplished and date the women you have always wanted to date because if you don't and she decides to come back to the relationship, you ARE going to resent her. Why? Because she got her time and you did not.

[pearlsasinger]

tolongaway...I'm sorry I'm a little confused. Are you two broken up, on a break or struggling and reevaluating the relationship?

 

My above advice was intended if you two were on a break, taking some time off...which it sounds like you're headed in the direction. (Don't panic, that's not always a bad thing.)

 

Whatever your "status" is, you need to be on the same page and be in agreement.

[tolongaway]

tolongaway...I'm sorry I'm a little confused. Are you two broken up, on a break or struggling and reevaluating the relationship?

 

My above advice was intended if you two were on a break, taking some time off...which it sounds like you're headed in the direction. (Don't panic, that's not always a bad thing.)

 

Whatever your "status" is, you need to be on the same page and be in agreement.

 

We broke up but in so far as she moved out and we are separated. We has a couple of weeks apart and then talked. There are some fundamental things that I must change in order to make the relationship work and I agreed to these. As I said I am working on the relationship from my end.

 

As pearlsinger said if I ask her directly not to date we will ague. This will seem controlling. So I am unsure how to bring this up.

 

For everyone who said let her be free and spread her wings etc... I will not. We are not teenagers who need to have sex with a few more people to see how things are. I am 37 and she is 39 and we have discussed and planned our future together. Then we hit this hitch. I would never date or have sex with anyone I know how much it would hurt her but more than that, how could I do that while I am in love with her. I have had enough casual sex in my life thanks.

 

I just read my post again and I think it is clear but, well one of the problems in the relationship is communications! So I will put a simple question here at the end.

 

At the moment I am in relationship councelling and communication workshops etc and she is taking time away to work things and we are both in "No Contact" mode. It is hard to stay in this mode if I am constantly worried that her friends are asking her to go dating.

 

Should it not be perfectly clear that expecting me to work on the relationship and is not compatible with her dating other people?

[tolongaway]

Sorry if I sound a little short with this reply. Its a stressful time and I appreciate all comment really. Thanks

[tolongaway]

tolongaway:

 

You are going to have to try to clear those thoughts out of your head. Don't spend your time crying over this relationship... go out and get some goals accomplished and date the women you have always wanted to date because if you don't and she decides to come back to the relationship, you ARE going to resent her. Why? Because she got her time and you did not.

 

I have had all the women I need in my life and I am lucky to have this lady. If she decides to date/sleep with other people now then she is not the woman I believe she is and I would not take her back. If she could do that now there would be little chance of her being faithful in the future.

 

My problem is that I have this thing hanging over me that she has the right to date if she wants. I know she is angry at me but this type of pressure is counter productive. I guess it would have been nice to have this worry removed after the e-mail incident.

[dgiirl]

tolongaway, first and foremost, you cannot control her. She's going to do what she's going to do, and you worrying about it wont change a thing. Deal with the issues at hand. Right now, you are worried she MIGHT go out and date other people. Has she done it yet? Until you know she's done it, you dont need to make any decisions. Live in the present, not in the future, not in the past.

 

The things she's asked you to change, is this something you want to change for yourself, or only to win her back? If you're doing it to win her back, then you're doing it for all the wrong reasons. Because as soon as you win her back, you're going to revert back to old ways and she'll leave again. It's important you are making these changes for YOU because there are no gaurantees she'll come back even after you make these changes.

[tolongaway]

tolongaway, first and foremost, you cannot control her. She's going to do what she's going to do, and you worrying about it wont change a thing. Deal with the issues at hand. Right now, you are worried she MIGHT go out and date other people. Has she done it yet? Until you know she's done it, you dont need to make any decisions. Live in the present, not in the future, not in the past.

 

The things she's asked you to change, is this something you want to change for yourself, or only to win her back? If you're doing it to win her back, then you're doing it for all the wrong reasons. Because as soon as you win her back, you're going to revert back to old ways and she'll leave again. It's important you are making these changes for YOU because there are no gaurantees she'll come back even after you make these changes.

 

The changes are necessary for US to be together. If there was no US I would not have to make these changes and I would not. So they are not for me and I am making them for exactly the right reason - for us. I am not trying to win her back from anywhere. Do not assume I have done something wrong that I must make ammends for. We have both made mistakes.

 

My question is directed at the point that I think it is unreasonable to control me and ask me to do things for our relationship if she is going to be dating other people. If this is the case then it is over and I will move on.

 

So should I break the no contact and tell her that I think this is not a workable situation. I don't want to waste my time working for our relationship if she has decided to shop around. I also want to make it clear that this is not ok with me - no matter what her friends say.

 

I am hoping for advice on how to approach this without messing it up. It is a delicate thing to ask without sounding demanding or resentful of what I am doing. I don't want to mess it up because I communicate it incorrectly.

 

I new it was a good idea to come here and try to explain it first - see how badly I am doing

[sundrop]

Do not assume I have done something wrong that I must make ammends for. We have both made mistakes.

 

I am hoping for advice on how to approach this without messing it up.

/QUOTE]

 

 

 

Hold on there cowboy, I don't think anyone was blaming you for anything. We are just trying to help you, so please don't assume anyone is assuming you did anything wrong.

We are all just giving you the best advice we can. Take it for what it's worth our advice. We all know people are going to do what they want, so you can take our advice or leave it. It's up to you. But please don't get hostile when someone puts in their two cents and you don't like it. We all learn from our experiences and share those with others, what may have worked for one person, doesn't always works for others.

[fundamental]

I have had all the women I need in my life and I am lucky to have this lady. If she decides to date/sleep with other people now then she is not the woman I believe she is and I would not take her back. If she could do that now there would be little chance of her being faithful in the future.

 

My problem is that I have this thing hanging over me that she has the right to date if she wants. I know she is angry at me but this type of pressure is counter productive. I guess it would have been nice to have this worry removed after the e-mail incident.

 

You are not lucky to have this lady. If she wants to date other guys, then she is wasting your time. She is not the woman you believe she is and if the deal breaker for you are dates with other guys, then you should not take her back.

 

YOU NEED TO BELIEVE THAT SHE IS LUCKY TO HAVE YOU!

[alphamale]

You are not lucky to have this lady. If she wants to date other guys, then she is wasting your time. She is not the woman you believe she is and if the deal breaker for you are dates with other guys, then you should not take her back.

I agree whole heartedly

[tolongaway]

Do not assume I have done something wrong that I must make ammends for. We have both made mistakes.

 

I am hoping for advice on how to approach this without messing it up.

/QUOTE]

 

 

 

Hold on there cowboy, I don't think anyone was blaming you for anything. We are just trying to help you, so please don't assume anyone is assuming you did anything wrong.

We are all just giving you the best advice we can. Take it for what it's worth our advice. We all know people are going to do what they want, so you can take our advice or leave it. It's up to you. But please don't get hostile when someone puts in their two cents and you don't like it. We all learn from our experiences and share those with others, what may have worked for one person, doesn't always works for others.

 

 

I am sorry if I sounded hostile. I didn't mean to be and I will try to be more careful. I did not read it through and I see now it is not well worded for what I was trying to say. Please accept my appologies dgirl and anyone else who thought I was being aggresive. I am a bit defensive at the moment but this is no exuse/

[tolongaway]

You are not lucky to have this lady. If she wants to date other guys, then she is wasting your time. She is not the woman you believe she is and if the deal breaker for you are dates with other guys, then you should not take her back.

 

YOU NEED TO BELIEVE THAT SHE IS LUCKY TO HAVE YOU!

 

I believe she is lucky to have me and that this is not a way that I should be treated. Not the fact that she wants to date other guys but that I am left in this limbo not knowing that we are on the same page. I have no idea that she wants to date other guys or not, if she does then of course I will move on.

 

I am wondering how to make this clear to her without doing so in a demanding way that will be damaging. I could ring her up and say, "I hope its clear you shouldn't be dating." However, things as volatile as they are she would not respond well I am sure.

 

I first was asking if I am right to feel that if I am working on the relationship on my end then she should not be going out on dates with strange men to salsa clubs (e-mail). Then I am wondering to tell her this without being controling.

 

I am not even sure how to put it in the right context here. Damn...

[sundrop]

I can tell you are being defensive, all we want you to do is to take a deep breath and calm down, because you do nothing more than cause more problems when you go into something with a hot head.

Just try to calm down and take a step back for a few second or two.

Especially if they are volitaile right now, you need to try to let things cool down.

We can see you care for her deeply and do not want to rock the boat even more, so just take a few days to let the emotions settle and then maybe you can have a conversation with her with things getting heated.

Best of luck.