Wife wants separation, but we live together with 2 year old

[David M]

I’m at wits end here. My wife of 3 years (partner of 10 years) told me that she is no longer in love with me. She says that I’m still her best friend and wants us to remain a “family” even though she wants us to move on. She mentioned us eventually splitting, but for now we’re just living together, pretending everything is okay for our young daughter.

 

I recognize that these feelings don’t just develop overnight, and I have noticed a few things that changed over the past two months. First, she has new girlfriends who she spends a lot of time with. I met one of her friends once and she acted very uncomfortable meeting me. When I asked my wife about thaw interaction she admitted that she has told her friends about our relationship. Second thing I’ve noticed is a change in her hobbies/interests. In the 10 years we’ve been together she never liked hiking or or outdoor activities. Now she hikes almost every weekend. Another one of her friends, a guy, is an avid hiker. I believe she’s having an emotional affair with this guy but don’t want to confront her.

 

I brought up counseling and her response was “Sure, if that helps make this separation easier for you.” I’ve exercised a tremendous amount of restraint and have resisted every urge to say something. I want our marriage to work and I love her so much. Help!

[Art_Critic]

Just so you know, when a woman does this there is always another guy...and I doubt it is just an emotional affair..

 

Sorry....

[Marc878]

Just so you know, when a woman does this there is always another guy...and I doubt it is just an emotional affair..

 

Sorry....

 

Exactly, go online and check your phone bill

[Marc878]

I’m at wits end here. My wife of 3 years (partner of 10 years) told me that she is no longer in love with me. She says that I’m still her best friend and wants us to remain a “family” even though she wants us to move on. She mentioned us eventually splitting, but for now we’re just living together, pretending everything is okay for our young daughter.

 

I recognize that these feelings don’t just develop overnight, and I have noticed a few things that changed over the past two months. First, she has new girlfriends who she spends a lot of time with. I met one of her friends once and she acted very uncomfortable meeting me. When I asked my wife about thaw interaction she admitted that she has told her friends about our relationship. Second thing I’ve noticed is a change in her hobbies/interests. In the 10 years we’ve been together she never liked hiking or or outdoor activities. Now she hikes almost every weekend. Another one of her friends, a guy, is an avid hiker. I believe she’s having an emotional affair with this guy but don’t want to confront her.

 

You're in denial.they are dating man and if they are spending that much time together it's a sexual affair.

 

I brought up counseling and her response was “Sure, if that helps make this separation easier for you.” I’ve exercised a tremendous amount of restraint and have resisted every urge to say something. I want our marriage to work and I love her so much. Help!

 

You really should wake up. Put a voice activated recorder in her car if you want the truth. If you can hire a PI it wouldn't take long.

 

You're acting like a typical betrayed spouse. Shocked and paralyzed.

 

Don't confront without evidence. Being affraid when another man is having/dating your wife will get you nothing

[David M]

I appreciate your feedback. A few other details:

 

Her male “friend” works at her job. I also believe her girlfriends are playing matchmaker with her and him. And I suspect she’s told this guy that we’re legally separated, though we definitely are not.

 

I guess my whole hesitation with confronting her comes from the fact that I believe what we have is salvageable; and I don’t want to say anything that pushes her further away. We’re new parents and I know the first two years were especially hard for her. While I tried to help, there’s no denying that she did more. I made mistakes in or relationship and I’m trying to learn and grow from them. But it seems like she’s already written me off.

Edited September 23, 2018 by David M

[Marc878]

I appreciate your feedback. A few other details:

 

Her male “friend” works at her job. I also believe her girlfriends are playing matchmaker with her and him. And I suspect she’s told this guy that we’re legally separated, though we definitely are not.

 

I guess my whole hesitation with confronting her comes from the fact that I believe what we have is salvageable; and I don’t want to say anything that pushes her further away. We’re new parents and I know the first two years were especially hard for her. While I tried to help, there’s no denying that she did more. I made mistakes in or relationship and I’m trying to learn and grow from them. But it seems like she’s already written me off.

 

Typical betrayed spouse mistake. You are playing the "pick me" dance. You can't and won't have anything with her other man in your marriage. You are worrying about pushing her away when she's already gone. [Asking for divorce].

 

Making excuses for her affair? Man that is all on her 100%. No marriage is perfect. She's not either. Did you go out and find another woman?

 

Your passivity and weakness will get you nothing but more of what you're getting. It's extremely unnattractive behavior while her other man is standing tall.

 

You're laying back while your wife and other man are calling all the shots.

 

Better wake up fast. They are way ahead of you

[Marc878]

Your wife has already left you for her other man. She just didn't tell you.

 

Right now you are wallowing in infidelity.

 

You'll probably waste a lot of time and life in this for nothing.

 

Don't project your feelings onto her. I love her so she must love me. That's not what she's feeling. Her words and actions tell you all you need to know.

 

File and have her served and move on with your life. You don't have a lot of time invested here.

 

You can't fix or save her. Only she could do that.

 

Being a doormat will destroy any self respect you have left. She's not worth it.

 

You are the prize not her. Find someone who appreciates you.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She's practically following the cheater's script.

 

Sorry this is happening to you .

[Mr. Lucky]

Better wake up fast. They are way ahead of you

 

David M, Marc makes a good point - you're playing catch-up here.

 

They've had months to develop their relationship, you've had days to figure things out. Time to see a lawyer to understand your rights and start the 180, posted here for your convenience:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say “I Love You”.

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

5. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

 

Mr. Lucky

[PegNosePete]

I believe what we have is salvageable

Sorry dude. It's not. Your wife has even told you as much! You need to listen to what she's saying and believe her! Her response to your request of MC says it all... sure if it helps you deal with the separation better? She has absolutely zero desire to save your marriage and has told you this to your face.

 

I guarantee you 100% she is certainly involved in a full fledged affair with this guy. They are not hiking every weekend, believe me. Your wife's friends were awkward around you because they know a whole lot more than you do, and they didn't want to land your wife in hot water by saying too much.

 

You don't need to "confront" your wife here and you don't need proof. All you need to do is see a lawyer and file for divorce. There's nothing to be gained by starting an argument/fight about the new man. You know the truth, she knows the truth. Whether she knows that you know or not, is immaterial. You just need to see a lawyer and file. But first you need to completely expunge the idea that this is salvageable, because it's NOT.

 

Don't do this whole ridiculous "in house separation" thing either, at least not for any longer than practically necessary. Ask the lawyer why that is a really, really bad idea and he will tell you the best way forward.

[David M]

I think everybody makes great points here. Abandon the idea that there is something to save and focus on becoming the best version of myself. But don’t do it for her, do it for me and most importantly my daughter.

 

I’m not a fan of the “same-house” separation but I cannot move out and risk losing a legal claim as the residential custodian of my daughter. Until she initiates something I am staying in my home with my daughter. It’s very hard sharing the same house with her because she can sometimes act like everything is normal and as if this whole arrangement is normal. I am trying to see a therapist so that I’ve got somebody to talk to; besides a few close friends. I’ve kept this a secret from family and others.

 

Im just trying to keep my composure one day at a time..

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think everybody makes great points here. Abandon the idea that there is something to save and focus on becoming the best version of myself. But don’t do it for her, do it for me and most importantly my daughter.

 

I’m not a fan of the “same-house” separation but I cannot move out and risk losing a legal claim as the residential custodian of my daughter. Until she initiates something I am staying in my home with my daughter. It’s very hard sharing the same house with her because she can sometimes act like everything is normal and as if this whole arrangement is normal. I am trying to see a therapist so that I’ve got somebody to talk to; besides a few close friends. I’ve kept this a secret from family and others.

 

Im just trying to keep my composure one day at a time..

 

Don't move out. She wants out? She leaves.

[Marc878]

I think everybody makes great points here. Abandon the idea that there is something to save and focus on becoming the best version of myself. But don’t do it for her, do it for me and most importantly my daughter.

 

I’m not a fan of the “same-house” separation but I cannot move out and risk losing a legal claim as the residential custodian of my daughter. Until she initiates something I am staying in my home with my daughter. It’s very hard sharing the same house with her because she can sometimes act like everything is normal and as if this whole arrangement is normal. I am trying to see a therapist so that I’ve got somebody to talk to; besides a few close friends. I’ve kept this a secret from family and others.

 

Im just trying to keep my composure one day at a time..

 

Worse thing you can do. It's not your job to help hide her affair. Besides you need the support. I'm sure your wayward wife and her boyfriend appreciate it but that doesn't do a thing for you.

 

It's good getting things off your chest. The truth fixes a lot of things.

 

Sorry man but you are making classic betrayed spouse mistakes.

 

You need to read up on infidelity.

 

Start with this

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

The only one keeping you in this is you. No one else can

 

It might pay you to download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy", it's short and may open your eyes

[preraph]

I'm real sorry, but she's done and ready to move on. No one is making those decisions for her. She has her own brain and she wants to move on. Her friends aren't to blame. One of you needs to file papers and one of you needs to move out and you will need to arrange joint custody so you can both have 3 and a half days a week to live life and three and a half days a week to live life with your child. The sooner you do this, the easier it will be for the child to adapt.

[PegNosePete]

I cannot move out and risk losing a legal claim as the residential custodian of my daughter. Until she initiates something

You are right, it is a bad idea to move out, but living with an ex-spouse can be terrible. So you should not wait until she initiates something! You have been playing catch-up until now so it's time to take control of your life! It is time to play hardball and show your wife that you will not allow her to sit on the driving seat any more.

 

First you should see a lawyer and ask what your options are. Many do a free initial consultation so you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Take a brief summary of the finances of the marriage: house value and mortgage, your respective incomes, any assets, debts, expenditures, and ask what a realistic outcome would be. Then see another lawyer for a free consultation, and another. And then choose the one you like best, and file.

 

As Marc said, DON'T keep this a secret! It is hard to admit you've been cheated on, you think you'll be seen as weak and ridiculed. But that's not the case, most people will support you as the victim and band around you to help and protect you in any way they can. And those that don't... well you'll know who your real friends are.

[Just a Guy]

Hi David, it's been some time since you last posted. Whats the update and how are you getting along? Do not let your thread die down due to not posting on it as in the end you will be loser. The folk on here are all experienced and sympathetic to your cause. They will guide you as to how to navigate your way out of infidelity. If you remain passive your wife will take you on a roller coaster ride from which you may never fully recover. Listen to the words of the folks on here as they have been through what you are experiencing and can really help you. Best wishes.