Seems obviously wrong to me, is it?

[tolongaway]

We had an awful time in the last couple of months of our ralationship which ended in my lady having to leave me. So we are officially broke up.

 

The situation at the moment is that we are seeing a councelor to see if we can find out why things got so bad and if we can get over them and work together toward reconsiliation. A lot of the problems were communicationa and a lot of them were because of my fear which comes from my past, of being abandonned.

 

I have been asked to change some things and I am doing that with help of my own counselor and I am commited to success because we love each other deeply.

 

So what is the problem?

 

We had some joint e-mail accounts and one of her friends accidentally sent a mail to that acocunt unstead of my SOs private account. It was an invitation to go Salso dancing with her and two spanish men she had just met.

 

If my lady were to go on this date then I would not continue to try and save the relationship. To me given the circumstance, this is just cheating. I would not dream of dating someone else at the moment and I told my So that when we were discussing what to do next. I did not want her to worry about what I was doing. At the time she did not give me the same reassurance and I did not ask, I just never thought it would be an issue.

 

So now I could try and tell her that this would be unacceptable to me but this might sound like manipulation and be counter productive, "if you date anyone or go on dates I will never be able to get back with you!", see how it soumds.

 

I could just hope that she is as tustworthy as I believe she is and run the risk that she does not see this as a betrayal and does it without knowing the consequences.

 

We did discuss this a little when I told her I would be faithful until I was sure that it is all over. She said that she did not know at that time and she had the right to date if she wanted to because we were broken up. Some of her friends were actually telling her she should before making any decisions and obviouslys some of her friends were trying to facilitate this,

 

Any comments welcome.

 

I have to stress to me any type of involvement with another man is a deal breaker. Dating, dinner whatever. To me you date to find partner and I will not be in a competition now. Imagine, "Yeah well I dated some guys and could not find anything better so I guess you will have to do"

 

nswers from male friends on the subject:

Just tell her she can't expect you to try and work all this out while she is of test driving other men.

 

So go get some for yourself. You want to marry her right! This could be your last chance to have some extra.

 

Answers from female friends on the subject:

You are broke up and she has every right to date. What is wrong with her dating. If you love her and want her back then you should be able to handle this. You should date as well.

 

You can tell her not to date. You have broken uo and you don't have the right to control or manipulate her by telling her you will never get back together if she does.

[Iluvsiamese]

I can see why you feel the way you do. Either she is serious about this relationship or she isn't. However, there are valid points on both sides. Sometimes going out with someone else can help you see clearly what you have lost. But I have to say that I would consider this the exception rather than the rule. In reality, people often look like knights in shining armor when you are having relationship problems with your SO.

 

Technically, you are broken up and so technically she has the right (as do you) to date. But if she really wants to work things out with you then she will not muddy the water by involving third parties. If she insists on doing this, I would move on.

 

Have you talked to the counsellor about this with both of you there?

[Outcast]

Why do you consider this a date? People often go dancing with people they aren't dating. In fact it's very common among dancers. Calm down; this is not a capital offense.

[tolongaway]

I have done salsa and it is a great dance and I love doing it with my partner.

 

I have also let her go on her own,

 

When a friedn invites her on a date with two strangers then it is a date. Had her friend said lets go out dancing - fine. She said I have met two guys do you want to go on a date dancing!

 

Anyway - it would be a date to me. Which is what counts, if I went out with a friend and two single women who were strangers my partner would consider this a date to.

[tolongaway]

 

Technically, you are broken up and so technically she has the right (as do you) to date. But if she really wants to work things out with you then she will not muddy the water by involving third parties. If she insists on doing this, I would move on.

 

Have you talked to the counsellor about this with both of you there?

 

If she was to date I would move on. I guess what I am wondering is how to explain that for her to date would mean I would not take her back. Wether this is right or not is not the issue it is me. But to do this indelicately may seem controling and force her to be combative. It is delicate because she has the right to - I just want to make the concequences clear without it seeming like a threat - just so she knows.

[Iluvsiamese]

Why do you feel that you need to explain this to her? She is a big girl, isn't she? So she should be able to figure this one out. I agree that it would be difficult to explain without looking controlling. I would simply tell her that you understand that this is her decision but that it suggests that she isn't serious about putting your relationship back together. If she truly isn't, then there is no point in having her go to counselling with you as there is no amount in the world that will change this. You may finally get an honest answer here, either in words or actions.

 

If she chooses to date, move on and don't bother to include her in any more counselling sessions. If she is serious, she will make it known then. But that's just my take on it.

[Kengne]

Hi tolongaway!

 

I totally understand your P.o.V. re:her dating others is a sign that she is not serious about reconciling with you. I understand how this must be extremely hurtful for you that she is considering dating others, while you are not.

 

But as your friends have stated, and I will state it again - YOU TWO ARE NO LONGER OFFICIAL. It's not about you being controlling - you are entitled to feel how you do, and she is entitled to feel how she does - and that means dating others, if she so chooses.

 

I think your discomfort stems not so much from whether she wants to be with you, if she's dating others (afterall - isn't she coming with you to counselling? That must mean something! ) - but from the fear of what if? What if she finds someone 'better'? What if she decides she no longer wants to be with you?

 

I think you need to deal with those insecurities in yourself. She is not being unreasonable by exploring her other options, and if you continue to force the issue with her you will only push her away even further. Is that what you want?

 

I believe you should give her the space she's asking for, and take the space yourself. Let her date others. You should date - IF YOU WANT TO - too! Time and space apart from one another will let you OBJECTIVELY re-evaluate your relationship, the pros and cons, and your feelings towards one another. After all, you're broken up for a reason right? If things were so perfect you'd still be together now.

 

I think you're just afraid of the tht of letting her go, and her letting you go too. But hun, if you really are meant to be - time and space will only re-inforce that, not tear it asunder. The great thing about time and space is that it lets someone get over you - EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT THEM TOO. And it lets you get over them - EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO! I mean you can't exactly see clear if you're standing in the thick of the smoke. And right now, your ex-gf is trying to exit from the smoke while you insist on remaining. Get out of the smoke!

 

The best case scenario - she dates others. You may or may not. She realizes she really wants to be with you, and stops dating other. Don't assume that she'd only come back bcuz the pickings were slim! That's negative & destructive thinking, and you will never be happy with ANYONE if you think like that.

 

The worse case scenario - she dates others. You may or may not. She finds someone else. You may or may not. THATS THE WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLES. It does not mean she did not care about you, or your relationship. But she's doing what she has to do, and so should you! At the end of the day, don't you want her to be happy? Don't YOU want to be happy?

 

I think that your ultimatum - stop dating others or it's over between us - is really unfair because you give no consideration to her feelings, and why she feels the need to date others.

 

Have you even asked her? The only reason I say this is because at one time with my current bf - before we were official... I wanted to date other ppl, while he did not. He wanted us to be official, and I wasn't ready. He did not like the idea of me dating other people, but he respected my wishes. And with time dating other people... my feelings towards him grew certain and solidified. If he had issued an ultimatum - don't date other ppl or we never become official - most certainly I would've walked awy because he couldn't respect my needs/wishes... and we wouldn't be together today. Is that what you want? For her to walk away from your justifiable, but unreasonable demand?

 

In any case - if this NO DATING OTHERS is the stance you want to take, don't be surprised if she DOES walk away. I hope you're prepared.

 

K.

[Cecelius]

Mate, you are over thinking this.

 

Technically, you are not together anymore, but you are in counselling to be together again? This seems pointless if she's going on a date with another dude. It may not be cheating, but it sure is dopey.

 

What if she goes out and gets intimate with this guy, are you going to take her back? Why would you? Why would you date someone who felt they had you wrapped around their finger tight enough that they can stroll in and out at leisure?

 

I say take a very relaxed attitude and go on with your life. She's voting with her feet; why spend any more time thinking about it.

[tolongaway]

I guess I am not really explaining myself. If she dates and wants to explore her options then that is fine she can do that, all she has to do is call off the relationship with finality. Then I will move on with my life as everyone seems keen for me to do and she can go salsa with the boys.

 

However, we are both in our late 30s and we have had our fair share of dating and relationships and this is something special. We have hit a bump in the road and I am hoping that is all it is. If she dates someone else then I am afraid that she will no longer have some of the qualities that I frind important and I would not want her back. You don't have to understand this but it is something intinsic to me. Actually I will try and explain. Right now I do not know if we are over or not and I don't think she does either. I am actively seeking help (at her asking-ie she knows that I am doing this) and she has asked for some 'no contact' time. For someone to not understand that shopping for someone new while their parner is unable to contact them, is devious, and doing it while he is actively involved in the recovery of the relationship is plain ****ty.

 

The more I think about it the more I am convinced that she would never do this. Her integrety is one of the things that I love about her. I guess reading all your posts and trying to process how this could be right has allowed me to see it is nothing to worry about. I don't need to tell her my feelings on the subject because I know she already knows.

 

Anyway thanks for answering.

[tolongaway]

HI think that your ultimatum - stop dating others or it's over between us - is really unfair because you give no consideration to her feelings, and why she feels the need to date others.

 

K.

 

This is not a demand which is why it is hard to phrase and why I am not going to bother. You see it as an ultimatum but it is not it is A FACT. If she dates someone else I WILL NOT HAVE HER BACK.

 

I hope that this is clear. It is not a demand or an ultimatum it is a FACT.

 

The reason that I was considering trying to make MY FEELINGS clear was so that she would not make the mistake of dating thinking it was ok as many people ( people on this post and her friends ) seem to think it is. I thought it would be important for her to no that no matter how many people thought it was ok THE IMPORTANT THING WOULD BE TO KNOW I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

 

Then she would be armed with all the information she needed to make an informed decision about dating. It would certainly allow her an easy out if she needed one.

 

In the end I believe she knows all of this and if she doesn't then we are not as close as I thought. Anyway time will tell - I will trust her to do the right thing for us. If she dates - I will move on.

[tolongaway]

The best case scenario - she dates others. You may or may not. She realizes she really wants to be with you, and stops dating other. Don't assume that she'd only come back bcuz the pickings were slim! That's negative & destructive thinking, and you will never be happy with ANYONE if you think like that.

 

K.

 

I find this crazy talk. Why would I want her back after she had been with other people - I wouldn't go near her. If she wants to go for a spin round the block then she should let me know so I can move on.

 

I really do not understand how anyone would take someone back under these circumstances. Any way nuff said. I find it offensive and thats the way it is. If she wanted time to explore other people then that is what she should have asked for and I would have ended it then.

[tolongaway]

Hi tolongaway!

n any case - if this NO DATING OTHERS is the stance you want to take, don't be surprised if she DOES walk away. I hope you're prepared.

 

K.

 

I am prepared and it is what I would want. If she wanted to date others then she would be free to. Tottally free. If I had to respect her need to sleep with other people then I would have to loose all self respect for myself.

 

Crazy talk. Really this makes no sense at all.

[Cecelius]

I am prepared and it is what I would want. If she wanted to date others then she would be free to. Tottally free. If I had to respect her need to sleep with other people then I would have to loose all self respect for myself.

 

Crazy talk. Really this makes no sense at all.

 

I understand you. It is not a threat nor is it even something you would necessarily get worked up over -- it is simply the way things will be that if she is getting action while you're trying to figure your relationship, then she simply isn't the quality woman you are looking for.

 

I agree completely.

[Spectre]

The bottom line is, if this girl was that into you she wouldnt wanna explore other options, you can here people blab about "she might realize she wants to date you" I call BS on that, is this girl so damn unsure of herself that she has to go on dates with strange men to see if she likes her ex? how can she evaluate another guy on ONE date? For her to "realize" anything would involve a couple weeks committment I highly doubt through that whole time they will just be holding hands

 

And to me, if a girl has to jump into bed with some dude to realize she likes me, thats just a piece of trash I dont wanna keep around anymore

 

and I understand where this guy is coming from, he's obviously into her, he doesnt wanna sit and wait around for her while this chick is out skipping around with other guys with the BS guise of trying to "figure things out" she can easily figure things out by taking a few days away from this guy to sit and THINK, not go salsa dancing with strange men

 

Frakly this chick seems a bit 2 faced, she goes to counseling..but then wants to go out and date other guys? its like me going to an AA meeting and then going to the bar right after

[tolongaway]

OK I feel all defensive about my woman now. If you read the original post I recieved an e-mail that her friend posted to our joint account (yes we had a [email protected]). The e-mail was an invatation to go on a date dancing with two guys here friend had picked up.

 

I sent a reply to just her friend telling her that she was using the wrong e-mail address and could she ask my lady out on double dates using her private e-mail.

 

So I do not know wether she went on the date or not. If I am right about my lady she would not because she would no I would not approve and if the same thing were to happen in reverse I damn sure she wouldn't approve of me doing something like this.

 

So my post was about wether I should break our no contact agreement to tell her that this wasn't cool. And if I did how would I do it without sounding controling,

 

I then got a lot of answers about I should not be giving ultimatums and she can do what she wants and I should suck it up and let her spread her wings and legs to see how that felt for her and to just hope she would come back to the mercedes after trying out the BMW and the porche.

 

So I have gotten myself in a mess trying to answer questions about a situation that does not exist. I must admit that, solid though my trust is, it can be a bit worrying when lots of women start telling you that you should let the woman you love go and have flings and or sex with other people.

 

Hence the whole me - getting a little pissed. Thanks guys for understanding. If you read the original post you will see that the quotes from friends is pretty much what I have seen here. Guys understand that this is not acceptable and women seem to think it is ok to shag around.

 

It makes me worry...

[tolongaway]

One last thing! I can't remember who wrote this but I think it deserves a reply. I do not worry about her finding someone else and finding him to be a better man for her and me loosing her. I am not insecure about stuff like that - I got over that rubbish when I was in my twenties. This is not about jealousy or insecurity or vunerability. I am 100% behind any woman who wants to go looking for another guy because she thinks she can do better.

 

However, I am not going to be the guy sitting at home reading relationship communications workshops and working toward a future while the woman who is supposed to love me is out test driving other guys.

 

YESYESYES she can if she wants but it doesn't make it ok. When you are married each of you can cheat if you so choose. The point is not wether you can but wether you should.

 

OK going to stop posting - I am getting annoyed and I know you are all just trying to help. Please try to understand the frustration and do not see any of this as a personal attach.

[mental_traveller]

Well you're complicating things unnecessarily. If you had broken up properly then it's none of your business. If you were still together then clearly she'd be in the wrong. However you seem to have put yourself in some kind of limbo land when you're neither together nor fully finished.

 

From your replies it's obvious you aren't happy with her dating. But, if you're not with her, then there's really nothing wrong with what she's doing. She's now single and can do what she wants. But equally, you can tell her that if she dates, then you're not interested in getting back. IMO you are both trying to have your cake and eat it. You are trying to limit her behaviour even though you split. She is trying to have the freedom of being single whilst still keeping a return path to your relationship, maybe as her fallback plan.

 

You need to make up your mind. If she was as serious as you, she wouldn't be dating, or even doing anything that could be construed as a date, because she would be sensitive to your feelings. If she really cared, she wouldn't even be able to go near another guy. The fact that she is capable (we presume) is a bad sign. If I were you I'd have the courage of my convictions and actually have ended it properly in the first place. But if I didn't for some reason, I'd definitely do it if she went on a date or quasi-date, and I'd clearly tell her that was how I felt. Just do the same and if she thinks you're being controlling then that's just more evidence you're not meant to be.