question for other members of SLAA

[mossycup]

(Or anyone who is interested to answer)

 

I'm in recovery for Sex and Love Addiction and doing an okay job of it. It's a lot of work but has brought me a great deal of happiness and well being.

 

My current challenge is a co-worker. I am a straight woman and he is a gay man. He's in his late 20s, I am in my late 30s. He is living with another man for about two years; I am single. We are both permanent members of our team. We don't work directly together too often, but sit near each other and our team is small. I started the job last year, he started a few months ago.

 

We hit it off right away as we are both sensitive, open-hearted, energetic, silly, progressive Christians, artsy, analytical and given to a bit of drama, in a gentle way. We have a lot in common. We both also don't connect so well with others in the office, who are more strait-laced, whereas we are both more quirky.

 

We have ended up having lots of intimate chats behind closed doors, sharing emotions. He has asked many times to meet outside of work, but that hasn't happened. We chat online after hours sometime. Overall, this could just be a situation of a great work friendship between a gay man and straight woman, case closed. And probably would be if I wasn't a love addict.

 

I know in my sobriety I should not be having deep conversations with men behind closed doors at work (gay or straight - after all, I'm straight and he's man and they are my feelings). I'm having repetitive fantasies and crush feelings for him, which totally makes sense, given that we connect, he is handsome, he pays me a lot of attention and I'm straight. However, I know that this is not a healthy situation for me to be in. I've gone through three cycles of depression and anxiety and insomnia dealing with this, but I keep going back to connecting wit him.

 

I don't need to list all the reasons this isn't a healthy situation for me. I'm looking for tips on how to politely extract myself and keep myself extracted. If I had started from the beginning with healthy boundaries it would have been easier. I guess I actually know what I need to do (though tips are still welcome) I just want some bolstering and reminder of the importance of sobriety from others in recovery. Or to hear other people's stories of how they dealt with something like this. I need to get to a meeting ASAP, but this will do in the meantime.

 

Thank you!

[Mr. Lucky]

I know in my sobriety I should not be having deep conversations with men behind closed doors at work (gay or straight - after all, I'm straight and he's man and they are my feelings). I'm having repetitive fantasies and crush feelings for him, which totally makes sense, given that we connect, he is handsome, he pays me a lot of attention and I'm straight. However, I know that this is not a healthy situation for me to be in. I've gone through three cycles of depression and anxiety and insomnia dealing with this, but I keep going back to connecting wit him.

 

I don't need to list all the reasons this isn't a healthy situation for me. I'm looking for tips on how to politely extract myself and keep myself extracted. If I had started from the beginning with healthy boundaries it would have been easier. I guess I actually know what I need to do (though tips are still welcome) I just want some bolstering and reminder of the importance of sobriety from others in recovery. Or to hear other people's stories of how they dealt with something like this. I need to get to a meeting ASAP, but this will do in the meantime.

 

Thank you!

 

Well, I'm not a SLAA member, but will chime in regardless.

 

I'd simply be honest and direct. Having had "lots of intimate chats", I'd guess he knows a bit about your background. So if you tell him "I've come to understand as I work on recovery that the intimate nature of our relationship isn't healthy for me", he should understand. And if he's really a friend, he'll give you the space you need.

 

If he freaks out and drama ensues, perhaps a sign the relationship isn't healthy for him either. Either way, seems a clear path forward. Congrats on having enough insight to realize you're creating a problem for yourself, that's a big step in any recovery process...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Art_Critic]

I think I see what you are driving at, a parallel would be an Alcoholic that starts to drink near beer that has no Alcohol in it, it's the beginning of the decline.. before long they will try a beer with Alcohol in it.

 

I would also describe it as a form of denial.

 

I would try and extract from your coworker simply by enforcing your boundaries and when you think they have been crossed then explain that to him.

Normally I would say you don't have to explain but since this has gone down the path where you no longer feel comfortable in your sobriety and he may feel slighted an explanation might be in order.

You do not however have to tell him about your addiction, only that you feel talking about xyz you feel is inappropriate.

 

I'd bet he is okay with that, since he isn't after you in a sexual way he shouldn't take offense.

[mossycup]

Those are both really helpful replies! Thank you. Sometimes you just need to be reminded of the bigger picture. I like the metaphor of "near beer". It's a slippery slope. As an addict, I'm always noticing how much I need to be very aware of where the slip starts. It continues to surprise me when I've suddenly slipped when I thought everything was fine.

 

I need to go to meetings more, and read my book. I do enact many of the principles of recovery, but I realize how it needs to be something I'm regularly reminded of, because the addict brain slides so easily!

 

Ah well, the gutter is where we realize our errors sometimes! Oscar Wilde might say, "We're in the gutter but we're looking at the stars" but I say, I'm just going to get out of the gutter, have a shower, and go to a meeting.

 

Hm, Oscar Wilde might have been a sex and love addict, now that I think of it.