How To Proceed

[sunnydaysahead2018]

Bear with me, I'll try and keep things concise.

I've been with my boyfriend 2 years. He's divorced and has 2 children (boy 12 and girl 8). His ex has moved on as well and has a boyfriend who lives with her and the kids when she has them during her parenting time. Her son isn't fond of the b/f, it's the jealousy thing I think. I think he feels she doesn't spend as much time with him and sister as she should & feels she puts the boyfriend first. I feel like because of this and the son's feelings, my boyfriend has tried to keep me at a distance as far as our relationship goes in regards to limiting time with me when he has his kids. I truly believe this is because he's concerned his son will start to look at him with feelings like he does towards his mother. I could be entirely wrong, but that's my conclusion of things after hearing my b/f talk about it multiple times regarding his sons concerns with the boyfriend and lack of time he feels his mother spends with him. I am respectful of his time with his children, I don't try and intrude, give him time with them alone, etc. as a matter of fact I've been very vocal in letting him know I support his time alone with his children. Our time is limited it as it is, because his work schedule isn't consistent from one week to the next, sometimes it's early mornings he works other days it's working late, etc. which provides inconsistency for our time together. I think it's important to also have time all together as if we plan to ultimately blend our lives and families one day it's important to me to be focused on that with him being less apprehensive of his time alone with his kids being compromised. I mean will we eventually move in together and I'll be asked to leave on a Sunday so he can have time alone with them? I realize that's a bit far fetched, but maybe not really when he seems so caught up with the idea of it. Example, yesterday I mentioned going over for a couple hours to hang out with them all and watch football. He'd been with his kids since the Tuesday before, so 6 days and I had not seen him all weekend and only 1 time earlier that week for a short period of time. He turned down the idea and later mentioned he wanted time alone with them. While I'm not booing his time alone with them I do think it's important to do things together and be accepting of time together and that in order to move forward you've got to at some point accept the blended family concept and what it entails which isn't necessarily giving up your time alone with your kids, but also not feeling guilty or like your kids opinion of you may waver because you're choosing to include a women you love and who is important to you into your life. I'm not in anyway overbearing nor have I ever been overbearing. I've always been accepting of his desire to do things with his kids alone and have encouraged it. I think the fact that his son doesn't like his mom's boyfriend and feels adversely towards that relationship that my boyfriend is concerned his kids will start to reflect those same feelings onto him about me and our relationship and so he does his best to ensure that doesn't happen by keeping me at bay. When ever I try and talk to him about this I always get the "I thought you understood it was important for me to spend time alone with my kids".

 

Anyone ever deal with a situation like this and if so how did you handle it?

 

On a side note, I have a daughter myself, I spend time with her alone and the idea of spending time with her, just the 2 of us has never had a focus on it like he puts on his situation with his children, so it's quite unfamiliar to me. I just go with the flow with her, she's not at all demanding of my time (she's a bit older), she feels loved, secure and knows I'm here for her and that she is my priority which I believe ensures her that though I may spend time with him, I'm always there for her and she's always my #1 priority.

 

It's just a very odd situation for me to work through because I feel like his focus is over the top.

[smackie9]

we can't read a wall of text.....it's too difficult to get through that properly.

[Gretchen12]

Is the boy very shy? Some kids are raised with family contact only. That's not good for kids, imo. Then other kids are raised in families with a lot of contacts with adults friends. For those kids, when the parents have company over (colleagues, etc.) a kid at 12 can hold his own with adults, which is pretty cool.

I don't think it is that your bf needs to be alone with his kds. I think his son is afraid to interact with any aduls outside of his immediate family. Does he hide in his room when you show up? Go quiet? Is the kid withdrawn? I really think it's that kid's disposition. I've met friends' kids who are outgoing and enjoy being with people other than the parents.

[RedHead5]

2 years together, he has his kids for 6 days straight and you ask to come hang out with them for one day at the end of the 6 days and he balks at the idea and gaslights you.

 

It's very weird and you know that or you wouldn't be here asking for advice.

 

Doesn't sound like you are happy. Doesn't sound like you will be happy if the situation doesn't start to give. Press the issue a little. You are either going to break down the wall or realize you will never get over it. You have already put 2 years of your life into this.