Lies and More lies

[wifesgone]

So I posted in another forum and got some input, but last time I went through divorce I had more constructive criticism here.

 

SO HERE GOES>>>

 

Me and my current wife got married 20 months (1.5 years) ago. We have had an amazing marriage, never fought, never argued, never had a cross word until this big event. That was a breath of fresh air after the hell I went through in my last marriage and hers. We have both had huge custody battles since that time which are not at all related to our marriage together.

Two weeks ago I go to her truck to get my debit card from her purse and I find a prescription bottle for Valtrex herpes medication. My heart sunk. I asked her about it and she had this elaborate story about it was for fever blisters. I brushed it off as her telling me the truth. A week later when I looked at the bottle again it was from her OBGYN, so I questioned her again about it. She said she had tested positive in 2014 for HSV2 but had never had any symptoms. At this point I am livid and ask for an explanation and why she didn't feel the need to tell me that she had herpes. Her reply was "I am sorry I was worried about your reaction". So I told her to pull up her medical records and send them to me at work the next day. She did as I asked, but she only sent me partial screenshots and omitted several lines of notes I later found out. At this point I am curious so I begin watching her actions and begin finding things to ask her about just to see if she will lie. She was injured at work last summer and has been off since then and all the doctors are saying nothing is capable of producing the pains she says she is having (so this concerns me as well because I have seen her do things that she wants and it not hurt her in the least, but is hurting too bad to cook or clean or sex sometimes). Everything I ask her about, Money, medicines, little unimportant things from her past that I knew about and asked her SHE LIES, no matter how insignificant it may be. She lied about all of it and even when presented with evidence that kills her arguments she even lied then.

 

One of the lies is I found $300 in her purse brand new crisp $20 bills without even a fold in them. She says she has no clue where it came from, yet I had looked to see if she had money in there 3 days prior to get a drink at my kids ballgame because I had left my wallet at the house. It's $300, someone that doesn't carry cash knows where it came from without a doubt. I always have cash and I know where every penny came from.

Another, I fix her lunch every day before work, she will text and say I enjoyed it, and I see a debit card for where she went to eat. WHY LIE ABOUT THAT? I don't care, its not like we are broke or anything. It's just stupid little lies, combined with this HUGE HERPES lie that Im struggling with.

 

This weekend, she went crazy and tried to jump out of the truck running 65 mph, because I had looked at her snapchat account and saw where a guy she used to date had been messaging her recently. I talked to him and some of what he says sounds just like what Im dealing with, refusal to talk about anything at all.

One day last week, she started telling me I was cheating on her. I just don't get it. I don't see why every conversation we have gets flipped to it is ME that is and did something wrong. Shortly after that stupid conversation, one of her coworkers calls her on the phone and I drove my truck out to our lake to sit on the dock and think. I decided to walk back to the house and I listen to her conversation. Needless to say, I was livid when I heard all the things she said about me and the lies she told this girl. She told her that I was having an affair, and questioned every move she made..... Then the comment that made me madder than anything, she said "and when he asked me to marry him I was about to sign on my house" At that point I ended the conversation and said now tell her the truth about everything, she hung up on her.

 

So, I have tried to forgive her for this but I am having a hard time trusting anything at all she says. I am depressed, angry (at myself for being lied to and not noticing), sad, and mad that she has done this to me. Any advice on how to handle this or get her to talk to me or should I just call it quits and end it now? I refuse to live in a bad marriage again and have my child who I have full custody of around this type of behavior of lying continuously.

[Zahara]

One day last week, she started telling me I was cheating on her. I just don't get it. I don't see why every conversation we have gets flipped to it is ME that is and did something wrong.

 

It's called gaslighting. It is a tactic used to make the victim question their own reality -- used to shift the focus on you and take it off themselves. Done often enough, victim starts to question their own judgment and possibly believe the accusations.

 

I was once in a relationship with a man that lied, even when there was no reason to lie. Big lies to little lies.

 

My situation was very similar, almost to a tee to yours. I'm not sure what to say except that her behavior will likely continue. These are ingrained behaviors and usually it doesn't change -- have you suggested therapy to her?

[wifesgone]

It's called gaslighting. It is a tactic used to make the victim question their own reality -- used to shift the focus on you and take it off themselves. Done often enough, victim starts to question their own judgment and possibly believe the accusations.

 

I was once in a relationship with a man that lied, even when there was no reason to lie. Big lies to little lies.

 

My situation was very similar, almost to a tee to yours. I'm not sure what to say except that her behavior will likely continue. These are ingrained behaviors and usually it doesn't change -- have you suggested therapy to her?

 

I did suggest it, and I was the one that needed it according to her because I can't let anything go.

[Zahara]

I did suggest it, and I was the one that needed it according to her because I can't let anything go.

 

She reminds me of my ex. When I suggested it as well, he said I was the one that had the problem and couldn't let things go.

 

I'm sorry, you're going through this. Her response was to dismiss you and to sweep it under the rug because she does not have the capability to be self-aware enough to see that it is an issue nor does she want to be accountable for her lies. As weird as this is going to sound, she probably doesn't even think she's lying. It's become second nature.

 

Did you notice any flags when you were dating? How long did you date her before marrying her?

[Mr. Lucky]

One of the lies is I found $300 in her purse brand new crisp $20 bills without even a fold in them. She says she has no clue where it came from, yet I had looked to see if she had money in there 3 days prior to get a drink at my kids ballgame because I had left my wallet at the house. It's $300, someone that doesn't carry cash knows where it came from without a doubt. I always have cash and I know where every penny came from.

Another, I fix her lunch every day before work, she will text and say I enjoyed it, and I see a debit card for where she went to eat. WHY LIE ABOUT THAT? I don't care, its not like we are broke or anything. It's just stupid little lies, combined with this HUGE HERPES lie that Im struggling with.

 

This weekend, she went crazy and tried to jump out of the truck running 65 mph, because I had looked at her snapchat account and saw where a guy she used to date had been messaging her recently. I talked to him and some of what he says sounds just like what Im dealing with, refusal to talk about anything at all.

One day last week, she started telling me I was cheating on her. I just don't get it. I don't see why every conversation we have gets flipped to it is ME that is and did something wrong. Shortly after that stupid conversation, one of her coworkers calls her on the phone and I drove my truck out to our lake to sit on the dock and think. I decided to walk back to the house and I listen to her conversation. Needless to say, I was livid when I heard all the things she said about me and the lies she told this girl. She told her that I was having an affair, and questioned every move she made..... Then the comment that made me madder than anything, she said "and when he asked me to marry him I was about to sign on my house" At that point I ended the conversation and said now tell her the truth about everything, she hung up on her.

 

Is it possible she has a well-hidden drug addiction, possibly to pills?

 

I've dealt with a family member's addiction for the last decade and the symptoms are eerily similar - money mysteries, gaming the worker's comp system. half-truths and outright lies, gaslighting and insistence on an alternate version of reality.

 

I'd have a hard time forging someone who knowingly exposed me to a STD every time we had sex for the last two years ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wifesgone]

She reminds me of my ex. When I suggested it as well, he said I was the one that had the problem and couldn't let things go.

 

I'm sorry, you're going through this. Her response was to dismiss you and to sweep it under the rug because she does not have the capability to be self-aware enough to see that it is an issue nor does she want to be accountable for her lies. As weird as this is going to sound, she probably doesn't even think she's lying. It's become second nature.

 

Did you notice any flags when you were dating? How long did you date her before marrying her?

 

I did notice a few little things here and there. Mainly to do with lying to her mom about being with me. I called her out on it and said enough is enough, you aren't going to stay with me and lie to other people about our relationship. She came around and told them all. I understood she had been in a bad marriage before and wrote it all off with that.

Looking back I saw a hell of a lot more things that I overlooked or didn't notice becasue for once in so long I was happy.

We didn't date but about 6 months and It was way way too fast.

[wifesgone]

Is it possible she has a well-hidden drug addiction, possibly to pills?

 

I've dealt with a family member's addiction for the last decade and the symptoms are eerily similar - money mysteries, gaming the worker's comp system. half-truths and outright lies, gaslighting and insistence on an alternate version of reality.

 

I'd have a hard time forging someone who knowingly exposed me to a STD every time we had sex for the last two years ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

NO, she was drug tested for EVERYTHING almost on a monthly basis at work due to her job and access to medications.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'd have a hard time forging* someone

 

* forgiving

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

NO, she was drug tested for EVERYTHING almost on a monthly basis at work due to her job and access to medications.

 

Uh oh, she's in the medical field? Based on stories my addict has told me, you'd be amazed at how good people are at beating those tests. My problem child was regularly tested in sober living, never caught even though still using.

 

And she's delaying going back to work? Just makes me wonder, I might be tempted to spring one of those pharmacy drug test kits on her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Orokotikki]

Even if, as an outsider, I was being generous enough to buy some bull**** about the herpes, this says it all right there:

 

This weekend, she went crazy and tried to jump out of the truck running 65 mph, because I had looked at her snapchat account and saw where a guy she used to date had been messaging her recently.

 

Sorry you are going through this, she is so clearly and certainly cheating.

 

Look after yourself and take action to protect your interests.

[Zahara]

I did notice a few little things here and there. Mainly to do with lying to her mom about being with me. I called her out on it and said enough is enough, you aren't going to stay with me and lie to other people about our relationship. She came around and told them all. I understood she had been in a bad marriage before and wrote it all off with that.

Looking back I saw a hell of a lot more things that I overlooked or didn't notice becasue for once in so long I was happy.

We didn't date but about 6 months and It was way way too fast.

 

So she has a pattern of suspicious behavior.

 

I've never trusted those relationships that moved too fast for me. It was usually a disaster and before you knew you it, you were emotionally stuck and now dealing with a slow emergence of red flags. Their true self starts to manifest. It is truly difficult to decipher who someone is in such a short period of time -- I guess this is who she is and she is now showing you in full effect.

[wifesgone]

So she has a pattern of suspicious behavior.

 

I've never trusted those relationships that moved too fast for me. It was usually a disaster and before you knew you it, you were emotionally stuck and now dealing with a slow emergence of red flags. Their true self starts to manifest. It is truly difficult to decipher who someone is in such a short period of time -- I guess this is who she is and she is now showing you in full effect.

 

I haven't either. LOL Just wish I had listened to my concious telling me back 2 years ago.

Ive talked to my lawyer and I can get out with anything and everything I want.

 

Yes she does, I just have a history of choosing the good ones I guess.

[wifesgone]

Even if, as an outsider, I was being generous enough to buy some bull**** about the herpes, this says it all right there:

 

 

 

Sorry you are going through this, she is so clearly and certainly cheating.

 

Look after yourself and take action to protect your interests.

 

I honestly don't think she is cheating physically anyway.

I guess i should have asked her mom when she asked me if she had told me everything from her past. I sure told her everything probably way more than she wanted to know.

[wifesgone]

Uh oh, she's in the medical field? Based on stories my addict has told me, you'd be amazed at how good people are at beating those tests. My problem child was regularly tested in sober living, never caught even though still using.

 

And she's delaying going back to work? Just makes me wonder, I might be tempted to spring one of those pharmacy drug test kits on her...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Oh I know she takes pain pills now. I count them every single solitary day. I have Life 360 and track her every move. She is at work part time, but is just in the office not out in the field like she was.

[Orokotikki]

I honestly don't think she is cheating physically anyway.

 

It's called denial.

 

Seen it in myself and in so many other BH's.

 

It's powerful, I can't count how many reasonable sounding excuses I made to why my then WW might have left birth control in her purse, fooled myself utterly until I found her emails.

 

If you really think herpes, enough cash to pay for a no tell motel, and nearly jumping out of a truck just because you opened her DM's isn't compelling evidence, then I don't think anything I will say will convince you otherwise.

 

If you need to be 'convinced' to see the situation for what it is then I would suggest you clam up, wait a bit, and investigate.

 

Best wishes and luck to you.

[bathtub-row]

The girl’s a nightmare and I think you know it. You can drag this out but it’s likely to end in divorce. I’ve been there before when I realized that I married badly again. As much as I didn’t want to go through another divorce, I did it because I knew there were few things worse than a bad marriage. I left. Never regretted it.

 

Protect your money. If the two of you share a bank account, open a new account that only you can sign on and send all or part of your paychecks there. If that pisses her off, tell her that’s what happens when she causes you to distrust her.

[wifesgone]

It's called denial.

 

Seen it in myself and in so many other BH's.

 

It's powerful, I can't count how many reasonable sounding excuses I made to why my then WW might have left birth control in her purse, fooled myself utterly until I found her emails.

 

If you really think herpes, enough cash to pay for a no tell motel, and nearly jumping out of a truck just because you opened her DM's isn't compelling evidence, then I don't think anything I will say will convince you otherwise.

 

If you need to be 'convinced' to see the situation for what it is then I would suggest you clam up, wait a bit, and investigate.

 

Best wishes and luck to you.

 

The herpes was diagnosed in 2014, she got it from her ex husband who had it. I did find out from him.

The cash she just said she didn't remember where she got it from. Which is a lie.

And the jumping out of the truck. That is just plain studidity.

I have every reason to believe she is cheating, but She hasn't for the past month I am almost positive about that. I talked to the guy for several hours today and what he said makes sense. She just said she didn't remember.

[Orokotikki]

What did he say that 'made sense'?

 

Just skeptical here b/c if he was her AP, he would have every reason to lie.

 

The jumping out of the truck thing... if it was just stupidity... I don't think she'd have lived this long with that severe an affliction.

[Orokotikki]

Also, I take it you have solid proof, not just her word, regarding the herpes diagnosis.

[Mardelis]

You married her after knowing her only 6 months. You hardly know a person after that short a period of time, she could be a completely different person than how she presents herself during the initial "honeymoon" phase and it appears you are just finding that out now.

 

She's a compulsive liar, not accountable for her actions, she's got HSV2, suspicious finances that she refuses to explain and she blames you for everything, including affairs that you aren't having. Cheaters often do this it's how they deflect. Do you know that in some states failure to disclose an incurable STD is a crime and grounds for imprisonment?

 

That much being said some of your own actions are somewhat concerning. Explain how you "ended the conversation" she was having with her friend and how you went about contacting her exboyfriend and how that conversation went exactly.

 

Either way this one is now a matter of getting out of it with as little collateral damage as possible. This one isn't going to be fixable.

 

No more marrying women after knowing them 6 months, after the highly contested divorce you just went through it's surprising you'd be so quick to jump right back in again.

Edited September 24, 2018 by Mardelis