francis Posted September 8, 2005 Share Posted September 8, 2005 I automatically signed in on new man's MSN and saw in his hotmail inbox 4 replied emails from different women's names, all with the same subject line 'just in case you were wondering'... each had been sent out individually, with the same text, so not a mass email it quoted the whole lyrics from 'you were always on my mind' from Elvis... and then he added in his own words on the bottom... 'just to let you know that you are always on my mind and that something of mine (my cum) will always be with you...' i read each reply, each saying things like 'hope to see you soon', and 'you made my day, i miss you' and 'umm, hope my cum stays with you too...thanks...' blah blah blah i am very very very confused about what to do about this, whether to run run run now (this is my instinctive option) or ignore it or confront him and admit i breached his privacy and read his emails... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 8, 2005 Share Posted September 8, 2005 If you are exclusive then you have a problem. I would talk with him about it and see what his reaction is... If you were exclusive then there is no doubt that you need to dump him Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted September 8, 2005 Share Posted September 8, 2005 If you are exclusive then you have a problem. Yep - it depends on the status of your relationship, but I get the feeling that you're more than 'just dating' - chances are then he's gotta go - no confusion necessary. Did you guys meet on-line by chance? Link to post Share on other sites
NTB Posted September 8, 2005 Share Posted September 8, 2005 this guy is a playa and he just got caught i say dump him if you want something more if not he could be a FWB......i'm pretty sure the others don't know about each other Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 8, 2005 Share Posted September 8, 2005 (... assuming you are in a committed, monogamous relationship with a clear understanding that you are exclusive...) Start printing them out. Get a keylogger and install it. If he has MSN, and it automatically signs in - right click any 'buddy' names you see that are suspicious and then choose "view message history" and print out the conversations. Check his history and casche to see where he's been browsing for women. Once you have a nice fat stack of evidence, then you can present it to him. Once you do that, you can either let that be your breakup papers or you can go to a confrontation if you want to try to get past it. When its confrontation time, you'll have to be savvy about it. The key to any good 'argument' is to address the topic at hand, and ONLY the topic at hand and REFUSE to let them divert or change the subject. The most important thing is that NO MATTER WHAT you do not cry, get angry, raise your voice, or address anything he says to you except the matter at hand. He will deny, get angry, call you names, blame you - but you have to be absolutely stoic if you want to get anywhere with this. Here's a sample: You: (Hand him the printouts) I would like to talk to you about these other women you are emailing. Him: What? How dare you go behind my back like that and violate my privacy? You: I am sorry that I violated your privacy and we can discuss that later. This isn't about your privacy. This is about these women you are emailing. Him: F*ck You! B*tch! How dare you do this? You drove me to this by being paranoid and nagging all the time. You: I understand you are angry, but we need to discuss these women you are emailing. If you will not talk to me about this then we need to end this discussion until you are ready to talk about it. repeat, repeat, repeat... acknowledge anything he says, but do not answer to it. No matter what he says, just say "I understand that _____, but this isn't about that. This is about these women you are emailing." It will probably stonewall for a while, and he will continue to bait you so that you will be diverted, he will be able to turn the blame on you, and he will not have to address what he has done. You simply have to refuse to take the bait. If you find yourself getting angry, or starting to cry - just tell him that the conversation is over, and that he needs to leave (or you leave) and that when he is ready to talk about it he can contact you. From this point, you can try to talk again - but do not, do NOT allow him to divert the conversation in any way. If he tries to, end the conversation - leave if you have to. Keep doing this until he talks only about those women he is emailing. It won't be easy, but if you are a brick wall against his 'cheater defense' you'll eventually get him to crack. Link to post Share on other sites
Author francis Posted September 8, 2005 Author Share Posted September 8, 2005 thank you so much for your responses, it was an exclusive thing as far as i was concerned. LB, thank you for taking the time to write your response. it is a very new relationship and so i don't even think i have the strength or motivation to go through the confrontation. i just want to walk grateful for the fact i found out so soon and not to get in any deeper with this guy. is this an ego thing? what kinda guy gets off on this kinda thing? i'm disgusted by it, and when i think of him now, he makes me sick. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 8, 2005 Share Posted September 8, 2005 Well, there's no telling why he did it. Every person has different motivations. At this point, think of it as dodging a bullet. You can just hand him the printouts on your way out... I doubt much explanation will be needed. He'll be holding all the explanation he needs for being dumped by you. Link to post Share on other sites
NTB Posted September 8, 2005 Share Posted September 8, 2005 (... assuming you are in a committed, monogamous relationship with a clear understanding that you are exclusive...) Start printing them out. Get a keylogger and install it. If he has MSN, and it automatically signs in - right click any 'buddy' names you see that are suspicious and then choose "view message history" and print out the conversations. Check his history and casche to see where he's been browsing for women. Once you have a nice fat stack of evidence, then you can present it to him. Once you do that, you can either let that be your breakup papers or you can go to a confrontation if you want to try to get past it. When its confrontation time, you'll have to be savvy about it. The key to any good 'argument' is to address the topic at hand, and ONLY the topic at hand and REFUSE to let them divert or change the subject. The most important thing is that NO MATTER WHAT you do not cry, get angry, raise your voice, or address anything he says to you except the matter at hand. He will deny, get angry, call you names, blame you - but you have to be absolutely stoic if you want to get anywhere with this. Here's a sample: You: (Hand him the printouts) I would like to talk to you about these other women you are emailing. Him: What? How dare you go behind my back like that and violate my privacy? You: I am sorry that I violated your privacy and we can discuss that later. This isn't about your privacy. This is about these women you are emailing. Him: F*ck You! B*tch! How dare you do this? You drove me to this by being paranoid and nagging all the time. You: I understand you are angry, but we need to discuss these women you are emailing. If you will not talk to me about this then we need to end this discussion until you are ready to talk about it. repeat, repeat, repeat... acknowledge anything he says, but do not answer to it. No matter what he says, just say "I understand that _____, but this isn't about that. This is about these women you are emailing." It will probably stonewall for a while, and he will continue to bait you so that you will be diverted, he will be able to turn the blame on you, and he will not have to address what he has done. You simply have to refuse to take the bait. If you find yourself getting angry, or starting to cry - just tell him that the conversation is over, and that he needs to leave (or you leave) and that when he is ready to talk about it he can contact you. From this point, you can try to talk again - but do not, do NOT allow him to divert the conversation in any way. If he tries to, end the conversation - leave if you have to. Keep doing this until he talks only about those women he is emailing. It won't be easy, but if you are a brick wall against his 'cheater defense' you'll eventually get him to crack. why go through all this??........if your in a "committed relationship" and you happen to see something like this i mean to me this is a clear cut sign that unfaithful stuff is going on and why bother lets just cut loses and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author francis Posted September 8, 2005 Author Share Posted September 8, 2005 no i think LB's advice is worthwhile, if you've been months/years in a committed relationship and you realise this is going on...you need to take the steps to gather up courage and convictions, to get the truth and the answers you need from the person you are in love with... in my situation, i have truly dodged the bullet...and i will indeed hand the printouts to him on my way out i will not put up with anyone taking me for a fool Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted September 8, 2005 Share Posted September 8, 2005 no i think LB's advice is worthwhile, if you've been months/years in a committed relationship and you realise this is going on...you need to take the steps to gather up courage and convictions, to get the truth and the answers you need from the person you are in love with... in my situation, i have truly dodged the bullet...and i will indeed hand the printouts to him on my way out i will not put up with anyone taking me for a fool I agree. There could be many other issues going on that would make salvaging the relationship a noble effort. Walking out isn't always the best & only option. In your case however I believe it was. Link to post Share on other sites
Author francis Posted September 9, 2005 Author Share Posted September 9, 2005 update...i left him today, i was staying at his place and left while he was at work, he had no idea anything was wrong... i have to go pick up the rest of my stuff tomorrow (he lives three hours away) and avoided any massive scenes or shouting matches and so didnt tell him the real reason i left. i didnt want to tell him at least until i get my stuff back safe and sound in case he flipped out... he sent me emails and texts once i told him i'd left, telling me he was crying and 'that i left him afterall'...he always told me that he was so insecure and had been hurt so badly in the past... i really am relieved just to be out of there. events like this make you feel so stupid for trusting people. all of the hopes of a fresh new relationship just wiped out, it really makes you think twice about allowing anyone in your life...it makes me sad, because of what could have been if he had just been a decent, above board guy...instead he had to play me, disrespect me and deceive me... right now, i dont know whether to tell him the truth (once my stuff is safely with me) or whether just to simply forget his sorry existence...i want him to know that he hadnt fooled me afterall and i uncovered his stupid behaviour but part of me just thinks, who cares? the fact he's a lying cheat has nothing to do with me anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 9, 2005 Share Posted September 9, 2005 I want to say good for you . But that doesn't sound right.. How about I'm proud of you and you took a stance and stood up for yourself.. Chin up.. you've got a good head on your shoulders Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2005 Share Posted September 9, 2005 update...i left him today, i was staying at his place and left while he was at work, he had no idea anything was wrong... Good for you! I'm glad and if he asks why you left, tell him he can figure it out. i have to go pick up the rest of my stuff tomorrow (he lives three hours away) and avoided any massive scenes or shouting matches and so didnt tell him the real reason i left. i didnt want to tell him at least until i get my stuff back safe and sound in case he flipped out... Make sure to bring a friend or a family member with you... he sent me emails and texts once i told him i'd left, telling me he was crying and 'that i left him afterall'...he always told me that he was so insecure and had been hurt so badly in the past... How ironic is that? So, instead he hurts you by doing what he did! i really am relieved just to be out of there. events like this make you feel so stupid for trusting people. all of the hopes of a fresh new relationship just wiped out, it really makes you think twice about allowing anyone in your life...it makes me sad, because of what could have been if he had just been a decent, above board guy...instead he had to play me, disrespect me and deceive me... Don't feel stupid. You cared about him and opened yourself up. He is the one who should feel stupid and hopefully he'll regret what he did and realize he made a mistake. That way he won't repeat his mistakes in the future. You're better off without him, as much as it hurts, this is for the best. right now, i dont know whether to tell him the truth (once my stuff is safely with me) or whether just to simply forget his sorry existence...i want him to know that he hadnt fooled me afterall and i uncovered his stupid behaviour but part of me just thinks, who cares? the fact he's a lying cheat has nothing to do with me anymore... You owe him no explanation. He should KNOW why. The best revenge is to move on with your life and let him eat your dust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author francis Posted September 9, 2005 Author Share Posted September 9, 2005 thank you art...that means a great deal the emails got worse, i checked again last night and there was a full on email from one girl with 'you are all mine!' in her subject line... oh the irony it went on about how she hopes he misses her, how much she is thinking of him...sigh and another one where he's been pursuing another girl, asking why hadnt she been online lately...i have had exams this week and so have been busy revising, whilst i had my head in books, he was chatting to other girls and emailing them on his computer!!!...i cannot have a relationship like that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author francis Posted September 9, 2005 Author Share Posted September 9, 2005 thanks WWIU! hmph, yeah, lots of irony going on here! my father is taking me to collect my stuff in his car...i am very lucky to have a very supportive family... yeah, that's what i think, he should figure out why i'm gone soon enough...if he has half a brain and any conscience what so ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author francis Posted September 11, 2005 Author Share Posted September 11, 2005 So we went to collect my stuff from his place, that was awful...he started off by calling, sms'ing and emailing, completely confused as to why I'd left... he really had no idea that I'd caught him out. Now he's trying to be supportive and hopes I get in touch after my exams. I left important letters behind and I just need to wait for him to send them on (he says he will) before I tell him the truth over why I left. I really want him to know that he was caught out. I'm feeling sad today, no longer angry, just sad at what could have been y'know? All hopes and ideas and dreams of what we had and what could have been just blown out of the water. I just imagine how deluded I could have been had I not found out and that thought makes me shiver. Link to post Share on other sites
bluetuesday Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 I really want him to know that he was caught out. All hopes and ideas and dreams of what we had and what could have been just blown out of the water. I just imagine how deluded I could have been had I not found out and that thought makes me shiver. hey francis boy, what a scumbag. very lucky escape. you did the right thing. just be sure to mail the other girls. they don't know either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author francis Posted September 11, 2005 Author Share Posted September 11, 2005 yeah, i did think of that but I thought that whatever kinda girl would reply to a message like that is gonna have a bunch of men on the old email affair wagon anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
sadfish Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 firstly, good for you, francis! Secondly, this is the problem with the ease of the internet in this world today. It's way too easy for this kind of thing to happen. The ease of contacting anyone anywhere at anytime makes most people seem to have short attention spans, especially with places like myspace and friendster where it's just basically a meat/meet market. It's no wonder so many people are having issues with fidelity and jealousy! I had that issue with my ex--we met on one of those places and while i was more than happy to cease going there after we started dating, he would keep adding and emailing girls just to feed his ego, which in turn upset me greatly and resulted in me becoming very insecure. It sabotaged our relationship, and now he's even seeing someone that he met while seeing me from that site, like he had her all lined up...makes me so sick and angry! People don't seem to know what boundaries are or what respect is these days and it's very depressing. I don't know how in this technological age we're supposed to trust anyone--especially when you *DO* end up meeting someone online (because, if you are like me, tired of the bar/club scene), Dating sucks in the 21st century, that's all i know! Link to post Share on other sites
Author francis Posted September 11, 2005 Author Share Posted September 11, 2005 exactly, where does the boundary lie between harmless internet flirting to actual cheating... for me, I just couldnt tolerate my 'boyfriend' writing this stuff to other girls, whoever and wherever they are. Its an email fantasy world with people he may or may not know at all. I was worried whether people may think i am overreacting, and claim it was all harmless fun and that I was the one he was coming home to every night so I shouldnt be worried. He may not have seen any harm in it, but to me it was disgusting and a deception, and if he was capable of thinking about other girls in this way, even over the internet, this showed to me I couldnt trust him and that would have eaten away at me forever. Link to post Share on other sites
starreyes Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 You are very strong Francis, and I admire you greatly. It takes a strong person to walk away from this......most people would of tried again and again, fooling themselves into thinking that THEY were the special ones. You got out of a tough situation and you should be proud of yourself. As far as letting him know why you actually left him, that is up to you. Some people can let it go and some can't. Maybe you will eventually tell him and when you do, I have all the confidence in the world that the words will come and you won't hesitate for a minute as to what to say. Chin up! You're doing great! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts