Chassit Posted September 25, 2018 Share Posted September 25, 2018 Exactly what the title says. How do I stop hating her? I can't go on feeling this way and need to let it go... Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 25, 2018 Share Posted September 25, 2018 I don't think there is an act or series of acts to follow... One suggestion is to box up all reminders, pictures go in a box, gifts from her go in the box, anything that reminds you of her goes in the box, then tape up the box and put it in the back of your closet. Divert your attention to other things, hobbies, etc. If you feel you are ready, divert your attention with other women. With time the hate will subside, it just takes time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chassit Posted September 25, 2018 Author Share Posted September 25, 2018 I will find everything and get it put away. That will definitely help 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 25, 2018 Share Posted September 25, 2018 It'll fade in time. For now, hang with your male friends and do guy stuff. Back during my divorce my best friend had a standing dinner invitation for BBQ and beer at his place every Friday or Saturday night. We'd eat, drink, shoot the breeze, complain about the wiminz (he was married about 30 years at that point) crack some jokes, just hang out. That went on, along with other social activities and projects with male friends, for a couple years. However it worked out, no hate for exW lingered. At one point I even offered her boyfriend a job because, well, he was a good mason. She nixed that deal. Guess she felt I'd paid her too much You'll get over it. More than likely this time next year you'll be all up about the new love in your life. I left women behind after divorce but that's uncommon. Most guys get right back into the deal. Life goes on. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 25, 2018 Share Posted September 25, 2018 The hate is actually part of the anger step of grieving. Next comes bargaining, depression & acceptance. You are on your way to healing but it's a slow journey. Purging your life of the reminders is definitely a good start. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 25, 2018 Share Posted September 25, 2018 I found that my feelings of resentment, anger and hatred would come up when I was alone with my thoughts too much. And this most often occurred if I was alone in the car. I started to turn on Christian worship music on the radio when it would start, and concentrate on the words instead of the thoughts in my head. It really helped to turn my thoughts around. Something like this, or choosing a Bible verse about anger and resentment and memorizing it/repeating it in your head may help. Or if you're not at all religious/don't believe in God, some other kind of positive affirmation can help too. And of course, getting rid of physical reminders...and time....lots of time..... Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted September 25, 2018 Share Posted September 25, 2018 Exactly what the title says. How do I stop hating her? I can't go on feeling this way and need to let it go... Been there, felt that. It subsides with time. How long that time will be will depend on you and what your relationship was like. You can't force the feelings to stop on command. You let go of it when you let go of it and that's the way it is. Until then, let it be and feel it so that you can learn about it, learn from it and work through it. As Donnivain said, it's part of the anger stage that is indicative of grief and it shows that you are on your way to getting better. Continue to live your life and don't give up on yourself. Change your routine if you need to. Meet new people if you wish to, be alone if you wish to. Cry, get mad, write, work out, take on new hobbies and carry on etc. There will be a time when you'll wake up and discover things hurt just a little bit less and that's when you'll realize there will be hope for you in the future. - Beach Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 25, 2018 Share Posted September 25, 2018 It will stop when you can be grateful for what she brought into your life rather than dwell on what was taken, even if the only thing you got was self-discovery of knowing you can open up your heart and how much love you have to give. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 25, 2018 Share Posted September 25, 2018 I had a big hate on for someone. It was eating me alive. He had hurt me really badly twice, once in love and once in career. It was the latter I really couldn't forgive. At some point, I just sort of examined him and what type person he was. He was well liked by all. He was a fairly simple guy. He had less insight than anyone I'd really ever dealt with and didn't see through someone who was sucking up and that sort of thing. If you were super nice to him, no matter what else your actions spoke, he thought you were good. He was wrong, and that led to my career demise. So one day I just assessed all this and went, You know what, he's not really very smart. He has no insight. He's an idiot in some ways, too trusting. He's not evil. And I mostly forgave him, at least enough to stop eating myself from within. I didn't think out what to do about it, but shortly after, I was on the road going to see a band, and I just picked up the phone and called him and talked about music. He was so relieved. Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted September 25, 2018 Share Posted September 25, 2018 Exactly what the title says. How do I stop hating her? I can't go on feeling this way and need to let it go... You feel hate because you lost something important in your life because of her. She is the source of your pain thus you can't help but hate her. She WAS the source of your happiness as well, so you can't help but miss the person she USED to be with you. You hate her because she still matters in your life. Her actions still affect you deeply. And you won't be able to let go of that hatred until she's either completely absent from your life in all shapes and forms (physically, social media, mementos, etc), or you stop empowering her in your mind and instead focus on different events in your life that require your full attention. One would think that our feelings of hatred are uncontrollable, but they aren't. Although you can't snap your fingers and suddenly stop hating, you can take baby steps ensuring that you help yourself keep focus away from what sparks your ire. Buy a book. Leave it around the house so that one day you are tempted to read it. Get yourself another pet. One that has nothing to do with her. Do an extensive cleaning of your house and purge your home of unwanted old things. You are metaphorically sick. Cleanse yourself of anything that has to do with her and you will start healing. You will stop hating, because you will stop caring. But you have to WANT to stop caring in order to stop hating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chassit Posted October 1, 2018 Author Share Posted October 1, 2018 Thank you everyone for your insight. I really appreciate it. I just wish this were over. Why is this a wound and not just a simple fact to deal with? Grrrr... Anyways, Thank you again. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 (edited) Being with people who make you happy....doing things you love to do......meeting new people and forming new friendships and new memories to replace the ones that are in your forefront brain.... living life to the fullest.....and loving those you do love...the more you have to love...less room for hate.....in your life.....it is a time thing......you go through...to get to the other side..... hate is often undisclosed hurt...resentment...abandonment......counselling also helps...getting it out of your head and into someone elses to decipher.. one thought that comforts me when i go through anything hard that seems to last forever.....is this too shall pass...and nearly everything does come to pass.. the only thing that truly doesnt pass or go away.....is real love...find comfort with really loving others who mean much to you...hate cannot take hold of your heart when it is loving another....even if that another is your pet dog....love that dog often....i wish you peace....deb Edited October 1, 2018 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
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