4 year friendship ended suddenly and I don’t know why

[CodyM397]

Hello,

 

this is post will be long but please read. Some people may think I am a piece of garbage and that is ok. Just know I didn’t want to go through life and not meet this person.

 

I met my now wife probably about 6 years ago. We got married 2 years ago and started dating 2 years before that. Before dating we just talked here and there but nothing serious.

 

So right before we started dating I met a girl online that I had way more in common with than my wife but we just never could make it work to meet in person so we remained friends and talked here and there.

 

So so now it’s 2016 me and my wife get married, move to Arizona and this girl is still around we talk every couple of weeks/months. Now it’s 2018 and we are still talking. We talk about everything pretty much. She has had a rough couple years due to family issues, her kids and her ex husband. In 4 years we had never talked about money, but one day on the phone a couple weeks ago she said she was struggling and I offered to help her.. she said she didn’t want it but I offered and said if it helps her then I want to help.

 

Anyway I had to go back to my home state for a wedding this past week and we made plans to meet up. She said she was single but was trying to get back with her babies dad and she knows about my situation being married but she still came up to see me. We had a great time, she made me feel a way I haven’t felt in my entire life and she told me she feels more comfortable around me than anyone she has in a long time. I got to spend 2 evenings with her, which if she didn’t like me she wouldn’t have came back the second time. We ended up sleeping together on night one but not the second night even though we shared the same bed and she cuddled me all night.

 

The last day we said goodbye, she was supposed to come pick me up from the wedding and take me back to the airport but she said that her sisters husband got in an accident and she had to take her sisters kids back to Washington.

 

She offered to to give me the money I gave her back but I said no she needed it more than I and I haven’t heard from her since. I sent her a few texts that night with no reply (not unusual sometimes) but it’s now been over a week, she blocked me on Facebook for trying to contact her there which was never an issue in the past.

 

I’m just lost, we were friends I would say good friends and so would she if you asked her a month ago. She said she felt more comfortable with me than most anyone else in her life currently. We talked for 4 years. Met 2 nights in a row and she told me if she didn’t want to be there with me then she wouldn’t have come the second time. 4 years ago we could have dated and she even said that.

 

All I wanted was to be friends and she knew that but now she is gone and I don’t know why. It’s eating me up that she won’t tell me why and I’ve done everything to find out.

 

Whats the deal? Does she know she can’t have me and would like to do she just gave up? Did she use me? Like I said we talked for 4 years money never came up until 2 weeks ago when I was the one that offered to help.

 

Its been a week and it’s the only thing I can think of and it’s causing me to question everything I have done in my life like why did I not just give up and devote my attention to her 4 years ago since we have more in common that my wife.

 

I just wanted to be friends and it kills me that she is gone

 

Please don’t say anything about my wife, I know what I did was wrong but I didn’t want my life to go by and not meet her.

Edited September 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

It's what usually happens when you loan someone money. They feel awkward and obligated and avoid you. She may have used you, I don't know. But either way, she now feels she owes you something, and that isn't a good feeling.

 

I had a best friend in the late eighties, and I won a guitar, and she wanted to buy it because she plays. So I said sure and only charged her like $165 or something for this signed band guitar. She paid me 60 and then started avoiding me and never acted comfortable around me again. No idea why. It's not like I was asking her about the money. She had money and a good job. I just don't know, but don't lend people money, friends or extended family. It so often ends in losing your relationship with them. It's a weird phenomenon. It's about them feeling small or obligated or both. They should just pay you back and then go back to normal, but people who have money problems so rarely pay you back.

[CodyM397]

It's what usually happens when you loan someone money. They feel awkward and obligated and avoid you. She may have used you, I don't know. But either way, she now feels she owes you something, and that isn't a good feeling.

 

I had a best friend in the late eighties, and I won a guitar, and she wanted to buy it because she plays. So I said sure and only charged her like $165 or something for this signed band guitar. She paid me 60 and then started avoiding me and never acted comfortable around me again. No idea why. It's not like I was asking her about the money. She had money and a good job. I just don't know, but don't lend people money, friends or extended family. It so often ends in losing your relationship with them. It's a weird phenomenon. It's about them feeling small or obligated or both. They should just pay you back and then go back to normal, but people who have money problems so rarely pay you back.

 

I told her I didn’t want or need the money back. I just wanted to help and still do. It just makes me sad. I mean I just wanted to be friends since I am married. Had I met her before I think she would have wanted to date because that’s what we talked about but like I said just never could make it work with our busy lives

[preraph]

Did you ever talk to her on video so you know for sure who you were talking to? There's a lot of scammers out there, though I think he, she or it would have tugged on your heartstrings earlier than this for money if that is what it was about. This put an obligation on her, whether you intended it or not.

 

Look, I'll give you a personal example. When my sister was in the hospital for a long stretch and no way to pay her bills, a couple of relatives sent me money on her behalf. I took already stamped, addressed thank you cards for my sister to just sign and mail from the hospital, and she never even did that much. After she got out and had a chance to recover financially, I offered to repay half of the debt if she would pay the other half. She wouldn't pay anything. So now I feel weird about the whole situation myself, when it's her obligation. I feel like I wouldn't go up there to see them unless I had all that money in hand. I do write, though. But this money lending always takes a toll. My sister prefers to think they didn't mean to be paid back. I think paying back is the only decent thing to do.

[CodyM397]

Did you ever talk to her on video so you know for sure who you were talking to? There's a lot of scammers out there, though I think he, she or it would have tugged on your heartstrings earlier than this for money if that is what it was about. This put an obligation on her, whether you intended it or not.

 

Look, I'll give you a personal example. When my sister was in the hospital for a long stretch and no way to pay her bills, a couple of relatives sent me money on her behalf. I took already stamped, addressed thank you cards for my sister to just sign and mail from the hospital, and she never even did that much. After she got out and had a chance to recover financially, I offered to repay half of the debt if she would pay the other half. She wouldn't pay anything. So now I feel weird about the whole situation myself, when it's her obligation. I feel like I wouldn't go up there to see them unless I had all that money in hand. I do write, though. But this money lending always takes a toll. My sister prefers to think they didn't mean to be paid back. I think paying back is the only decent thing to do.

 

 

I met her in person this past weekend for the entire weekend. We had a great time. This is why it’s so hard for me to understand because we had talked for 4 years prior to meeting with no talk of money. We both felt the same way about each other and the feelings we have she even told me so in person.

Edited September 25, 2018 by CodyM397

[Whodatdog]

Im not sure its about the money. Its the first time you two met; Im thinking something creeped her out about you. Maybe not; maybe she really liked you, and knowing you are married, she didnt want to continue the friendship. No telling. You should probably let it go, not only because she has blocked you, but because Im sure you havent told your wife, and if its not something you can talk to your wife about, then its something you shouldnt be doing.

[JJ15818]

Sounds she really used you and not for money. i think she needed somebody to speak with, now she has not necessary. Try don't think about her.

[CodyM397]

Im not sure its about the money. Its the first time you two met; Im thinking something creeped her out about you. Maybe not; maybe she really liked you, and knowing you are married, she didnt want to continue the friendship. No telling. You should probably let it go, not only because she has blocked you, but because Im sure you havent told your wife, and if its not something you can talk to your wife about, then its something you shouldnt be doing.

 

 

I didn’t do anything to creep her out. She drove over 100 miles to meet me the first day then went home and came back a couple hours later. Then she left again and was supposed to come back but that’s when she said her sisters husband got in a wreck and she had to help.

 

I know I’m trying not to think of her but it’s hard. Lots harder than I imagined.

 

I just want to know what is causing her to do this

[preraph]

Well, maybe she truly has a family emergency or something. I wouldn't keep contacting her and just wait and see if she turns up.

[CodyM397]

Well, maybe she truly has a family emergency or something. I wouldn't keep contacting her and just wait and see if she turns up.

 

 

 

No the family emergency is over, she has read my messages, she texted me when she said she couldn’t come back that said “I can give you the money back” I said no. Those were the last words spoken to me.

 

But after talking for 4 years about everything and finally meeting and talking about all we did I just find it weird

[Mr. Lucky]

Please don’t say anything about my wife, I know what I did was wrong but I didn’t want my life to go by and not meet her.

 

Here's what I never understand about situations like yours - what's stopping you?

 

You've met the love of your life, she's your soulmate, the heavens parted, the earth moved, blah, blah, blah - and she's single. If this was meant to be, why not display the moral, emotional and romantic courage needed?

 

Like most cake-eaters, you lack belief in the very things you claim are so important to you. So my guess would be she somehow understood this and bailed, not wanting the drama of watching you keep one foot in your marriage and the other in her bed.

 

You seem to be looking for sympathy, none coming from me. Maybe others will be kinder...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Here's what I never understand about situations like yours - what's stopping you?

 

You've met the love of your life, she's your soulmate, the heavens parted, the earth moved, blah, blah, blah - and she's single. If this was meant to be, why not display the moral, emotional and romantic courage needed?

 

Like most cake-eaters, you lack belief in the very things you claim are so important to you. So my guess would be she somehow understood this and bailed, not wanting the drama of watching you keep one foot in your marriage and the other in her bed.

 

You seem to be looking for sympathy, none coming from me. Maybe others will be kinder...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Indeed. You lack the courage of your convictions.

 

To you, she is "the one that got away..." She probably got tired of waiting for you. I can't blame her for leaving. I would have done the same if it was not possible to be someone's "one and only." She is clearly not interested in having a "friendly relationship" with a married man.

Edited September 26, 2018 by BaileyB

[CodyM397]

Here's what I never understand about situations like yours - what's stopping you?

 

You've met the love of your life, she's your soulmate, the heavens parted, the earth moved, blah, blah, blah - and she's single. If this was meant to be, why not display the moral, emotional and romantic courage needed?

 

Like most cake-eaters, you lack belief in the very things you claim are so important to you. So my guess would be she somehow understood this and bailed, not wanting the drama of watching you keep one foot in your marriage and the other in her bed.

 

You seem to be looking for sympathy, none coming from me. Maybe others will be kinder...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I’m

Not looking for sympathy. Not at all. I just wondered what I did that led her to completely ignore me when she knows the situation and drove over 100 miles 2 nights in a row to meet me

[BaileyB]

I’m

Not looking for sympathy. Not at all. I just wondered what I did that led her to completely ignore me when she knows the situation and drove over 100 miles 2 nights in a row to meet me

 

The only person who can answer that question for you is her.

[CodyM397]

The only person who can answer that question for you is her.

 

Obviously this isn’t going to happen as she won’t speak to me. I guess I am hoping for a few women to chime in and tell me what might be the problem coming from a woman.

 

We were on good terms when she left, she even kissed me a few times before she got in her car.

[treehugger12]

Can I ask how much money you gave her? Maybe...she felt like a prostitute, one nighter and then giving her money. Realizing after that she slept with a married man and the guilt that followed. I actually kind of understand what your feeling, I’ve been ghosted before and it’s an awful feeling. I wish people could just be upfront and honest, nowadays it’s even easier with texting. You should be more worried about how your feeling about cheating on your wife and how she would feel about all this. I’ve been there.

[CodyM397]

Can I ask how much money you gave her? Maybe...she felt like a prostitute, one nighter and then giving her money. Realizing after that she slept with a married man and the guilt that followed. I actually kind of understand what your feeling, I’ve been ghosted before and it’s an awful feeling. I wish people could just be upfront and honest, nowadays it’s even easier with texting. You should be more worried about how your feeling about cheating on your wife and how she would feel about all this. I’ve been there.

 

I gave her enough to cover her bills for the month. But we had talked about it weeks before actually meeting in person. She is going through something and she said she had some bills to pay and with no job it would be hard. I offered to help and she said she would pay me back but I said she didn’t have too. I gave her the money well before anything happened. That’s the last thing I wanted her to feel like. She knows how well we got along and what she meant to me. Also it wasn’t just one night. One night of sex yes but just cuddling and talking the second night which was fine

[Bufo]

I'm not a woman but I have a comment or two.

 

First, has it occurred to you that giving her money was (probably) giving her marital shared assets? Would your wife just think you were being charitable?

 

Second, the more you pursue the more you look like a stalker to her. While most women enjoy admirers, most have nothing but fear and loathing for stalkers.

 

Third, this online relationship fell apart when it became real. Maybe she's just not that into you.

 

Finally, have some empathy for how your wife would feel if she read your posts.

IMHO you are lucky you were able to dodge bullets for four years. Don't keep testing your luck.

[CodyM397]

I'm not a woman but I have a comment or two.

 

First, has it occurred to you that giving her money was (probably) giving her marital shared assets? Would your wife just think you were being charitable?

 

Second, the more you pursue the more you look like a stalker to her. While most women enjoy admirers, most have nothing but fear and loathing for stalkers.

 

Third, this online relationship fell apart when it became real. Maybe she's just not that into you.

 

Finally, have some empathy for how your wife would feel if she read your posts.

IMHO you are lucky you were able to dodge bullets for four years. Don't keep testing your luck.

 

 

I appreciate the comments. I know what I did was wrong but it still hurts that something which made me feel good has ended and I don’t have answers. I don’t think her not being into me is the problem. She didn’t have to come up the second night if she didn’t want too and she sure didn’t have to kiss me when she left if that were the case.

[treehugger12]

I’m guessing that she was having a lot of feelings for you too, especially with her coming back the second night. I’m curious about your ages, she most likely does not want to be a home wrecker and be involved with a married man, she got herself into it this deep, her emotions have kicked in and realized what she is doing is wrong especially if she has good morals. I too in the past getting involved with a mm being a mw for a short fling, later after I got my a.. out of the horrible fog thought “what the hell am I doing”, I was falling for mm hard! I’m so thankful it ended when it did because I was crazy about him, I certainly did not want to be a home wrecker. Hang in there, I know your hurting, it will take time to heal.

[Mr. Lucky]

I appreciate the comments. I know what I did was wrong but it still hurts that something which made me feel good has ended and I don’t have answers.

 

CodyM397, what outcome would you like to see here? In your eyes, what would be a positive resolution to the issue you posted?

 

Mr. Lucky

[CodyM397]

I’m guessing that she was having a lot of feelings for you too, especially with her coming back the second night. I’m curious about your ages, she most likely does not want to be a home wrecker and be involved with a married man, she got herself into it this deep, her emotions have kicked in and realized what she is doing is wrong especially if she has good morals. I too in the past getting involved with a mm being a mw for a short fling, later after I got my a.. out of the horrible fog thought “what the hell am I doing”, I was falling for mm hard! I’m so thankful it ended when it did because I was crazy about him, I certainly did not want to be a home wrecker. Hang in there, I know your hurting, it will take time to heal.

 

I’m 30 she is 29... she has good morals so for that I am thankful. I just miss talking to her. Thank you for your comments.

[treehugger12]

You both we’re friends for 4 years, then sex, that right there in itself may cause her to ghost you, being married to add to that, then the money issue. She is feeling horrible about herself and the whole situation.

Or she’s just a horrible person that took advantage of you but I don’t know that I believe that based on what you’ve written.

[CodyM397]

You both we’re friends for 4 years, then sex, that right there in itself may cause her to ghost you, being married to add to that, then the money issue. She is feeling horrible about herself and the whole situation.

Or she’s just a horrible person that took advantage of you but I don’t know that I believe that based on what you’ve written.

 

Yeah I don’t know what it’s like to be a girl or how they think. I just know she knew she could come to me for help. Never in a million years did I expect this outcome.

 

I told her I would rather have her in my life as a friend than not at all and she agreed. based off everything we said and did together I never thought this would happen.

 

Sorry for being repetitive, I just need someone to talk too.

[Whodatdog]

She probably sees no future in this. Whats in it for her? You are married and unavailable. She finally realized this.