4 year friendship ended suddenly and I don’t know why

[BaileyB]

She probably sees no future in this. Whats in it for her? You are married and unavailable. She finally realized this.

 

Agree. And perhaps, she looked in the mirror and realized who she was becoming - a woman who would be in an inappropriate relationship with a married man - and she came to her senses. It was a little late to make this realization, which made it confusing for you OP... But for her sake, better late than never.

[pepperbird]

My guess is that it could be:

 

 

- she felt bad about sleeping with a married guy and now wants nothing ton do with you

 

 

- she got the money and doesn't need you around anymore

 

 

- the friendship didn't mean as much to her as it did to you

 

 

btw, stop calling it a "friendship". Please disabuse yourself of the notion that you two are just friends. This has been an ongoing emotional affair that you consummated when you had the chance to.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Agree. And perhaps, she looked in the mirror and realized who she was becoming - a woman who would be in an inappropriate relationship with a married man - and she came to her senses. It was a little late to make this realization, which made it confusing for you OP... But for her sake, better late than never.

 

 

This is my take on the situation. She wanted to salvage her dignity, and extract herself out of a bad situation.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Cody,looking in from the outside as an objective observer, the first thought in my mind is that this is "Much ado about nothing". The second thought to strike me is that your wife occupies such little space in your mind that you hardly have mentioned her in all your fulminations. Your wife is collateral damage in this whole affair without even realizing that she has been hit by a truck and is already on life support! From everything that you have written it is apparent that you are pining for this girl who got away. You have not mentioned a word about the state of your marriage and whether you are happy being in it, what your wife is like and whether the two of you are affectionate towards each other and are 'In love'or just love each other.

 

To be frank if you are just in the marriage for the sake of convenience and to have your creature comforts looked after, your sexual needs met and some casual companionship without a deep emotional attachment then the kindest thing you could do for your wife is to set her free and let her find someone who will cherish her and love her for who she is. I am sure with the amount of emotional energy that you are investing in this 'Ghost' girl, that your wife would have picked up on the cues that you are leaving around as bread crumbs to be picked up on and then the proverbial s*** will hit the fan. I would suggest that you either decide you truly love your wife and want to spend time with her growing old or, on the other hand do her the biggest favour in her life and let her go. Your current attitude toward her is completely unfair to her. Once you are free you can then pursue your ephemeral Ghost girl and settle down with her if she will have you. In your OP you mentioned that for various reasons you and your dream girl could not get together as you could not make time to meet. That to me sounds completely ridiculous as, if she were indeed your true soul mate I think you would have moved heaven and earth and left no stone unturned to be able to snap her up. The fact that neither of you could find the time and resolve to do so indicates that all was not as hunky dory as you are painting it out to be. I would advise you to get a grip on yourself and decide what you truly want and act accordingly, even if it is the most painful thing that you have to do. Best wishes.

[Amethyst68]

Actually I've got a slightly different take on this. I don't think you've lost her friendship at all, I think it will miraculously return the next time she needs her bills paid!

 

 

In the meantime why don't you man up and tell your wife. Let her make an informed decision about her life.after all you've been making unilateral decisions about her health, marital funds and her marriage, don't you think it's time she had a say......

[Mr. Lucky]

... she has good morals so for that I am thankful.

 

I guess this includes the part where she sleeps with and takes money from a married man. All while ostensibly getting back together with her ex.

 

CodyM397, has it occurred to you it might be as simple as this - she has no intention of paying you back the money you "loaned" her and so has decided ghosting you is the easiest way out?

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

Maybe she wasn't as "single" as she had told you.

I guess, her partner/bf/husband found out about your little meet up, before she was supposed to take you to the airport, so she had to hurriedly leave...

He no doubt also put an end to her contacting you, hence the FB block.

[whichwayisup]

I met her in person this past weekend for the entire weekend. We had a great time. This is why it’s so hard for me to understand because we had talked for 4 years prior to meeting with no talk of money. We both felt the same way about each other and the feelings we have she even told me so in person.

 

Chances are she's more invested in her relationship than she led you to believe. She chickened out after you two had sex and it got too real.

 

She's blocked you and there's nothing you can do about it. Respect her decision and do your best to let go and focus on getting her out of your heart.

 

You've said not to mention your wife, but this is the time to decide if you truly want the life you have now... If she isn't 'the one' and you're in totally in it for life then think about counseling to help you make a decision. Your wife deserves a man who will love only her.

[whichwayisup]

I gave her enough to cover her bills for the month. But we had talked about it weeks before actually meeting in person. She is going through something and she said she had some bills to pay and with no job it would be hard. I offered to help and she said she would pay me back but I said she didn’t have too. I gave her the money well before anything happened. That’s the last thing I wanted her to feel like. She knows how well we got along and what she meant to me. Also it wasn’t just one night. One night of sex yes but just cuddling and talking the second night which was fine

 

Did you use protection? get yourself tested for std's.

 

You don't 'know' this person too well, only what she's told you about herself online. The money thing - it is possible that she used you. You offered and fell for her hook line and sinker then got burned.

[CodyM397]

Like I said, talked to her for 4 years. Not one mention of money ever in those 4 years until she randomly said a couple weeks ago that she lost her job and was scared about bills. I offered to help her.

 

I don’t know what her deal is and I probably never will.

[Amethyst68]

And somehow the only time in the whole 4 years she managed to meet up with you was the one time she wanted/needed money from you?

 

Seriously, you don't see anything slightly suspicious about that? I will freely admit to being more than a little bit cynical but this would be a big red flag to me.

 

Another thing, the fact she didn't sleep with you the second night make her a great person, maybe she just didn't enjoy it all that much!

 

In the end she knowingly had sex with a MM and took money from someone else's family. You knowingly treated your wife like garbage, slept with a complete stranger and have away money that should have been used to better your family. BTW, I can't remember but I hope you've been for STD testing before sleeping with your wife.

[S2B]

I told her I didn’t want or need the money back. I just wanted to help and still do. It just makes me sad. I mean I just wanted to be friends since I am married. Had I met her before I think she would have wanted to date because that’s what we talked about but like I said just never could make it work with our busy lives

 

You didn't want to be just friends - that's obvious... you want to continue having sex with her-you want her to be in a relationship while YOU are married!

 

You want to use her. Well, maybe she doesn't want to be used.

 

The money? She will look at it as payment - same as any prostitute.

 

You getting the idea of why she doesn't want anything to do with you anymore?

 

You feel better while SHE feels worse! Forget her - and stop using women!

[pepperbird]

You didn't want to be just friends - that's obvious... you want to continue having sex with her-you want her to be in a relationship while YOU are married!

 

You want to use her. Well, maybe she doesn't want to be used.

 

The money? She will look at it as payment - same as any prostitute.

 

You getting the idea of why she doesn't want anything to do with you anymore?

 

You feel better while SHE feels worse! Forget her - and stop using women!

 

 

This woman was hardly "used". Se knew full well what he wanted, and that's what she gave him. This was a relationship that went on for many years.

 

 

 

People really need to stop viewing women in this situation as "victims". Women are not helpless, incapable of looking after ourselves. If this woman is a victim of anything, it's her own choices.

[CodyM397]

This woman was hardly "used". Se knew full well what he wanted, and that's what she gave him. This was a relationship that went on for many years.

 

 

 

People really need to stop viewing women in this situation as "victims". Women are not helpless, incapable of looking after ourselves. If this woman is a victim of anything, it's her own choices.

 

 

Thank you for this. I know I didn’t use her. I didn’t even initiate anything that happened that night.

 

Also for those of you who keep saying she is a prostitute please stop. She isn’t . She has a normal life, doesn’t do drugs, stays out of trouble and loves her kids.

 

She just needed a little help which I wanted to help her out with.

 

For the person who said I obviously wanted to be more than friends, yes 4 years ago I did and up until about a year ago I also wanted more. But with my wife and everything I honestly did want her in my life as a friend and I know that could have worked. Im just at a loss of what happened.

[S2B]

This woman was hardly "used". Se knew full well what he wanted, and that's what she gave him. This was a relationship that went on for many years.

 

 

 

People really need to stop viewing women in this situation as "victims". Women are not helpless, incapable of looking after ourselves. If this woman is a victim of anything, it's her own choices.

 

I'm not saying she didn't willingly participate; obviously she did.

 

But now she doesn't want to... likely because it made her feel differently after they had sex.

 

Her feelings changed - now you knOW why.

[preraph]

If you talked about the money weeks before meeting, I'm afraid the money is the only reason she met with you. And now she has it and has gone. There's a lot of women and men on the internet must suckering people into giving them money. You really have no option but to accept that. I'd be leery if she does come back again and certainly not give her one more cent or gift or anything.

[S2B]

Thank you for this. I know I didn’t use her. I didn’t even initiate anything that happened that night.

 

Also for those of you who keep saying she is a prostitute please stop. She isn’t . She has a normal life, doesn’t do drugs, stays out of trouble and loves her kids.

 

She just needed a little help which I wanted to help her out with.

 

For the person who said I obviously wanted to be more than friends, yes 4 years ago I did and up until about a year ago I also wanted more. But with my wife and everything I honestly did want her in my life as a friend and I know that could have worked. Im just at a loss of what happened.

 

Some married men don't know how to be friends without having sex. You are evidently one of them.

 

If you took vows to be faithful and you don't intend to keep the vows then divorce. It's not fair to lie that way to your wife.

[CodyM397]

If you talked about the money weeks before meeting, I'm afraid the money is the only reason she met with you. And now she has it and has gone. There's a lot of women and men on the internet must suckering people into giving them money. You really have no option but to accept that. I'd be leery if she does come back again and certainly not give her one more cent or gift or anything.

 

 

We had planned to meet up before there was talk of any money. It was maybe a week before I came when she had even mentioned being in a tight spot. If that’s the only reason she met with me I may never know.

 

I really just want to figure out what could have caused her to do this considering all

Things were perfect which is what she continually told me and coming back the second night seemed to be just as good as the first night.

 

Yeah you could say she wasn’t into me, but she was and has been for 4 years. After night one she felt the same.

[Mr. Lucky]

For the person who said I obviously wanted to be more than friends, yes 4 years ago I did and up until about a year ago I also wanted more. But with my wife and everything I honestly did want her in my life as a friend and I know that could have worked. Im just at a loss of what happened.

 

Trying to make sense of what you've said. You wanted "more" up until a year ago but, according to your first post, you only met up and slept with her a week ago?

 

CodyM397, you seem to have a hard time being honest with yourself about this relationship, down to calling it a "friendship". If you've been talking to her for years, no doubt you've shared intimate and personal details about your life, your marriage and your wife. That's an emotional affair. And now last week, you secretly met her and had sex. That's a physical affair.

 

You're cheating, having an affair, committing infidelity, scr*wing around on your wife, stepping out, breaking your vows - lots of names for it. Friendship isn't one of them.

 

Maybe some honestly would provide clarity to your situation. Your marriage and relationship with your wife means so little to you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I would not say that you have used this woman - she knew what she was doing when she entered into an emotional and physical affair with a married man.

 

May I suggest that the woman who is being used is your wife - she is home waiting for you while you are otherwise engaged with another woman... You are using time and energy that should be spent on your wife agonizing about why this "friend" no longer wants to be in contact/move further into this extramarital affair...

 

I agree with Mr. Lucky. You are having a hard time being honest with yourself about this "friendship" and about your marriage.

Edited October 1, 2018 by BaileyB

[springy]

Maybe...

 

1) The sex was bad.

 

2) She got back with baby daddy.

 

3) She is racked with guilt for sleeping with a married man and/or not waiting for baby daddy.

 

4) She came to her senses and doesn't want to be entangled in the mess that's sure to ensue if she carries on with you.

 

This was not a friendship, it was an emotional affair that turned physical.

 

Why did you marry your wife?

[Crazelnut]

Please stop calling this a friendship. You had an EA that became a PA. You cheated on your wife. Stop lying to yourself and us.

[CodyM397]

Listen,

 

I know what I did was wrong and I won’t do it again. There are very few people in your life who make an impact the way this girl did on me for 4 years.

 

My wife is the only other person to do that and I am sure many of you have found another person who makes you feel special.

 

My marriage is fine, I’m not letting this get in the way of it.

 

I came here to possibly see why she would do this when

 

1.) We had a great time

 

2.) She told me she felt more comfortable around me than anyone else

 

3.) She constantly kissed me even when she left the second day and didn’t come back. She didn’t have to but she did..

 

4.) there are to many reasons to list that would make you think she would never stop taking to me.

 

It’s just hard when something you’ve had for 4 years is gone. If it wasn’t my wife I was married too it would be this girl and she knew that.

 

What I did was wrong, I know but I’m not lying to you. I honestly could be friends with her and nothing else.

 

I just want to know what happened. I’m sorry if you think I’m lying but I’m not.

Edited October 1, 2018 by CodyM397

[S2B]

All this time and energy spent thinking about this OW shows you're still cheating on your wife.

 

She's taking up space in your head... that's not right - while you're a married man.

 

I'm sure if you got honest with your wife she would have a problem with:

 

A) the "friendship" knowing you screwed her

B) the fact that you're invested in this gal to the point where you're thinking about her this much

C) you don't want to end it with the OW... and are hyper focused on her and not your wife

D) you're not capable of being honest with yourself about how you feel about this OW

 

 

You're lying to your wife (even by omission) and you've cheated! Nothing in this scenario could possibly be good for your M/relationship with your wife.

 

 

 

Consider being honest with your wife. Tell her everything - including handing all this power to this OW.

 

Then your wife will have a decision to make based on what's real instead of a marriage that's a farce.

[Amethyst68]

I had written out a response earlier but don't know what I did. It was early and I had little or no sleep :o

 

 

 

 

 

'My marriage is fine, IÂ’m not letting this get in the way of it. '

 

 

 

Really, are you sure your wife could say the same? The amount of time you are spending obsessing about this so-called friend (who BTW is your AP, NOT a friend) is time not invested in your marriage and family. You don't think she's not going to notice your change in focus? Unless of course, you're usually focused on OW.

 

 

'If it wasnÂ’t my wife I was married too it would be this girl and she knew that.'

 

 

Does your wife know this? Regardless of the cheating, does your wife know of this close woman friend you would have married if the fates had not stopped you from meeting before you married your wife. You have been married for 2 years and have already cheated on your wife. You obviously believe your OW is the one you're meant to be with so why don't you tell your wife and let her find someone who believes she's number one!

 

 

 

'I honestly could be friends with her and nothing else.'

 

 

You know I believe men and women can just be friends, I also believe it's not friendship if it's carried out in secrecy. So the fact you've now had sex with her means no, there's no friendship. That would simply be continuing your affair in the form of an EA.

 

 

Before this weekend was your wife aware of your friendship? Were your interactions with the OW something you discussed? You know, oh hi honey. ... emailed me today, she's having such a hard time with her BF, what do you think? Or was it all done in secrecy, behind your wife's back? If it's the latter then congratulations you've been cheating your wife marriage, it may have been an EA until this weekend but still an affair.

 

 

I have one last question. I think you said you went home for a wedding? A family wedding at that and you had the nerve to arrange for the OW to meet you there. How do you know you were not seen at any point? Were you the only family member or friend staying at that hotel? People see more than you think or was OW smuggled in and out in the middle of the night?