After 13 years I realize I'm an unfit parent

[ItsAllConfusing]

I am a single mom to one 12 year old girl. We had a lengthy talk last night about her current lifestyle. She stays home every day on her phone and sleeps. She doesn’t brush her teeth or shower often. I have to constantly nag her to do these things. These things have always been a priority to her. She had a tough school year where she was a bit bullied (not physically) I guess more so verbally and passive aggressively. She now has internalized that she is fat and ugly and she has closed herself off.

 

She doesn’t want to attend summer programs. She says that she is socially awkward and cannot communicate with other children. She says that she does not have the skills to do so. She says she does not know how to start conversations. At home she is confident, funny, outgoing and opinionated but I guess outside of the home she is just very quiet and cannot be her true self. I told her that I can coach her and I can enroll her into a program that will help her with this specific problem but she says nothing will help.

 

She has this gloom and doom perspective of life and I don’t know if I can shake it off of her. She doesn’t even want to visit family and she usually loves this. She says she hates her family with the exception of me I guess. She doesn’t want to volunteer with a family member’s daycare business because she says she is so ugly that she scares the kids (she has volunteered before). This sounds silly I know but she really, really believes this to the point that she is almost crying when we talk about it. She is in therapy but she does not open up. She tells me everything but she will not open up to strangers. I have all of this information about her and I know what is wrong with her but I am lost as to how to fix it.

 

School starts again in September and I don’t know what will happen. If I home school her that is just exacerbating the problem. I am worried about what kind of future she will have. She says she will stay with me forever and get a job that requires minimal social skills. She doesn’t care about making friends or dating and she just wants to be alone. I am trying to teach her this is life, this is the way of the world, you have to get in and try, you can’t wither away.

 

I feel a bit hopeless and so sad because kids her age are out enjoying her life while she is home all day behind closed doors on her cellphone or sleeping. She has sooooo much potential and I am not saying this because she is my kid; she really, really does. If she could just remove those blinders from her eyes and mind she would excel. She has been prescribed an antidepressant but she has not started it yet. She is reluctant to take it and already feels that it will not help anything.

 

What steps can I take? :/

[the_lost_1]

I'm no expert in kids or anything but it's summer.....of course it will be tough for her since she won't have anything to do. So when school starts, it will get better.

 

She still needs time to explore her identity, who she is and everything. She's only 12. Maybe give her some self-help books especially for teenagers or some good books to read? If you give her books maybe it'll show her how much you care.

[ChatroomHero]

Can you plan an event like going to an amusement park and get a friend with a kid her age to go? Basically have her double up on rides with the friend's kid and back off. If she finds she is having fun and is forced to be paired up she might forget herself for a bit.

 

 

Things like rollercoasters bring out a little fear and excitement and if she is sharing that with another kid without really internalizing it, it might make it easier for her to open up and just out of natural reaction associate positively with another kid.

 

 

If you have a friend or family member with a kid around her age just basically set something up as you came into tickets or the friend bought tickets and you promised to go. Don't leave any wiggle room, just basically "we're going". It could be ziplining, an amusement park, something where the activity is center stage and brings out natural reactions and interactions. When you are on a roller coaster and sitting and waiting before and after, there is kind of a natural interaction that can take place with strangers that makes you forget about any phobias of interacting.

 

 

Just a thought.

[preraph]

It's not up to her (or it shouldn't be) whether you put her in summer programs, activities, etc. And you need to do it because she's dysfunctional and isolating will only make it worse.

 

Here's the type of activity to look for. Find one that has organized activities where they give kids a partner or a group to be part of, whether that is gym activities or a swim class or a chemistry lab or a traditional dance class where they make kids learn to do dances like they'll do on their wedding day. Don't put her in something where she has to make her own way but a real structured thing where all are required to interact and are supervised.

 

I think a dude ranch experience or something like that would boost her confidence. A camp where there's riding and boating and swimming and other activities. There are church camps, but I think you should put her in something like Girl Scouts and tell the troop leader to try to place her with others in a buddy system or something.

 

Don't let her tell you what she won't do. You're the parent, and she's somehow not gotten her social skills so far so don't keep doing what you've been doing but make her get in something and stick with it. Good luck.

[elaine567]

My guess is that she is still being bullied via her phone probably.

[basil67]

My heart is breaking for your daughter.

 

Your daughter is a child who's mental health issues place her in a high risk category. Now, this is a wonderful place to vent, but it's not the place to seek advice on how to deal with a child who is falling apart.

 

Your girl needs specialist help - not the advice of well meaning strangers. Take her to a child psychologist tomorrow.

[todreaminblue]

elaine suggested that she may be bullied via her phone still, if this is the case there is no way you can deal with the effects of bullying if it hasnt stopped....the best thing for you to do is make sure as a first step that she is not being bullied via her phone or face book.....take her phone.....access her face book.......posters might say privacy invasion...your daughter is twelve and vulnerable...its not invasion its defense and protection....bullied kids commit suicide.....thats fact......she is exhibiting signs of depression....take it seriously....always....if you find bullying you will know where and what they are saying to undermine her mental health

 

 

i understand she doesnt want to talk to strangers ...but this girl needs some therapy too...........i never told my parents how badly i was bullied at school and on the bus to and from school.........they worked full on and i didnt want to put pressure on them my mum was tired when she got home from work and weekends i didnt want to spoil when we would go out and go to the beach...so i just ended up never saying anything and putting on an act....

 

one of my favorite teachers though noticed my withdrawal.....and got the school counsellor involved...at first i didnt speak ...i would just sit in there and cry..which i couldnt do at home.....and it beat sitting in the school toilets crying.........eventually i opened up about the bullying in her room...a safe place......sometimes i would talk...or sometimes she just handed me tissues when i didnt want to speak.....

 

when she goes back to school get her a referral to the school chaplain or counsellor......find out if she is still being bullied...know your enemy......your childs enemy.....know what the turds are saying......to your daughter..if they are indeed still hard at work at bullyiong her.......so you can combat the words that are damaging her......do not contact them....just dont..you could blow it up....massively.....

 

concentrate at the axis of damage.......work on building your daughter to be strong enough to face this...let her know she has you there.....no matter what...do not confront the bullies......it will not end well.....for anyone....go through proper channels if this needs to be done.........and get your daughter some support.......deb

Edited June 30, 2017 by todreaminblue

[amaysngrace]

She sounds seriously depressed. Is she self-harming?

 

What is she doing on her phone all day? Who is she in contact with and what is occupying her time while on there?

 

You need to find out because although you say she shares everything with you she may very well be keeping her darkest thoughts hidden, I'm sorry to say.

[whichwayisup]

Your daughter sounds depressed and probably suffering from anxiety because of the bullying and feeling insecure. It's ruined her self confidence and she needs professional help. Please get her to a trained therapist who specializes in anxiety and depression. (it's called CBT) She may have to go on medication depending on how severe her depression is. It'll only get worse if untreated.

[BaileyB]

She is demonstrating all the signs of serious depression, which is so incredibly sad at 12 years old. My heart breaks for your daughter. I would suggest that you talk with her doctor and find a child psychologist immediately.

 

The first thing that I would do is take away her phone or seriously monitor what is happening on that phone. It is quite possible that she is being bullied and that is very concerning. the warning signs that she is displaying should not to be dismissed, because the risk of self harm and suicide in the teen years is serious.

 

I hope you can find her some help so that she can find joy in life again.

Edited July 1, 2017 by BaileyB

[Nowty V]

What steps can I take? :/

 

I would try these two books

 

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

by Susan Cain

 

The Highly Sensitive Person:

How To Thrive When The World Overwhelms You

by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.

 

If, and I'm not saying she is, your daughter is of a sensitive/introvert personality type she may feel like a square peg in a round hole in a society that is geared toward extroverts.

 

If the books detail things/reactions she is familiar with, they will help her to see herself and her trait in a more positive light.

 

you're daughter is wonderful, just a little hard to reach

 

Copies can be had quite cheaply on the well known internet auction site thingybay

[BaileyB]

Still thinking about your darling daughter...

 

Please, try to find a counsellor or a child psychologist for her. Antidepressants certainly have their place, but at 12 years old I would personally chose a to find a good counsellor before medication for my child. And certainly, she should not be taking medication without counselling to discover what is causing/contributing to her depression.

 

Best wishes.

[confusedmandi]

Reading this gave me chills. At 12 and 13 I was your daughter. Bullied at school for being ugly and I rarely talked at school because I wanted to be invisible. And I had no idea how to talk to my peers. At home or with people i was comfortable with I was talkative and funny and fun. But I hated school and was extremely shy, socially awkward and uncomfortable around kids my age. I had two close friends one who did not attend my school so if my friends were not around I just didn't talk to anyone. I was too intimidated to talk to anyone. I felt inferior and like I didn't fit in. Today I'm still an introvert I find being around large groups and strangers very draining but my social skills have definitely improved lol.

 

At your daughters age i was severely depressed and there is no way in hell I would have talked to a counselor about it. I didn't even talk to my parents. I just wrote long agonizing notes about how I hated my life. Be thankful she is talking to you about her concerns. She really trusts you. Give her hugs and unconditional love. Give her a compliment every day. Plan activities for the two of you that she enjoys.. Does she have any hobbies that she used to like? I know I was drawn to other shy or socially awkward kids because they were the only ones who didn't intimidate me and they were not mean to me. I wish i could tell u how I overcame my depression and social anxiety but I'm not sure I don't still suffer a little from both but I lead a productive life and have a good career. I know that once my appearance improved (bad skin glasses and braces equal kids picking on you) that I had more confidence in myself. And when I was 15 I found a hobby I really enjoyed and that helped me become more social. Maybe a change of scenery would do her some good? Volunteering at the daycare if she's comfortable with some of the adults who work there might help. Good luck and give your daughter a hug from me. I know how hard she's struggling!

[LivingWaterPlease]

Itsallconfusing, good for you having your daughter in counseling!

 

You are doing a great job as a parent getting on this early in her life and there are many things you can do for her.

 

First of all, remember that she's just beginning to have hormonal adjustments to make so am sure that's part of what's going on.

 

Do you work outside of your home? If so, what hours do you work and who takes care of your daughter while you work?

 

I believe preraph suggested getting your daughter involved in a camp where they do outdoor things such as water activities, horseback riding, etc.

 

I don't know if you can afford to do that or not but it's a great idea!

 

Your daughter really needs to be spending time outside and even if you don't get her in a camp you can begin taking her on walks out in nature. Get to a place where there aren't commercial establishments and walk with her at her pace. You need to have a big dog with you and/or other people as I don't believe it's safe for a woman and a girl to be out away from society alone. So be very careful.

 

But, if you can get her out-of-doors walking in nature surroundings on a regular basis you'll begin to see a change in her.

 

When you're doing this have her leave her phone at home or at least keep it with you so she won't be checking it. Also, begin cutting down on the time she's allowed to have her phone with her until she has it with her a minimal amount of time. Seems to me she'd be best off without her phone except when she's not with you and needs to stay in communication with you.

 

Since I don't know where you live I can't tell you what books to buy but you can buy little books that identify trees, birds, plants or other things in nature and the two of you can look for some of the things in the book together.

 

Do you belong to a church? That's another thing you can do with her.

 

Is your daughter artistic? Does she like music? Has she ever had an interest in any hobbies? What are areas in which she could excel?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Another thing that would be helpful for your daughter is to get her a pet.

[Luigi1212]

I've been on both ends of bullying and I can only tell you to move her to another class or even school if you can. What helped me was getting into the gym at the end of my elementary which pushed my confidence,though I ended up in the wrong side of the story and became a bully (which

I regret now).

[preraph]

She's been changed by the bullying -- but it's your job to see to it that she learns to deal with it or at least ignore it and keep functioning because once she's an adult, no job is going to let her stay home and sleep.

 

You cannot let her be who decides what programs and activities she goes to. You tell her "You're going to do this, so stop arguing about it." She has to learn to cope and deal with real life. I too was bullied and certainly would love to have just missed school, but that's not how you build social skills to deal with real bullies once you are out in the workforce or an abusive boyfriend or whatever. You can't let her stick her head in the sand.

 

Stand up for her at school and talk to the school about it, but she has to keep being active or you will have a nonfunctioning adult in a few years.

 

I would suggest sending her to mild activities for the summer, enroll her in Girl Scouts, where good behavior is expected and rewarded and bullies aren't tolerated, or church camp, or swim class, or a self-defense course, activities at the YWCA. It's your job to tell her what to do here because she does not know what's best for her.

[ItsAllConfusing]

This has nothing to do with my bf. He's not in the picture. This is about my 13 year old daughter.

 

 

I used to think that I was good at this mom thing but apparently not, here's why;

 

1. Daughter does not know her boundaries in our parent child relationship

 

2. Daughter thinks she's on the same level as adults some times

 

3. She has no close friends or really close family other than me and my mom

 

4. She hates her life, feels lonely and doesn't want to live at times

 

5. She's not organized and is messy because I do everything for her she doesn't have chores

 

I'm not enough. I'm trying but I'm not fit for this I can see how ive screwed her up buy giving her almost everything she's asked for, not giving her consequences, by thinking I could raise her all on my own, she has no contact with dad's family. She treats me like crap and other times she's so kind. It's frustrating because I make it my goal to be kind and respectful of her .

 

I provide the basics, food, shelter, love, support, etc... but the most simple things like building a strong social presence, order and respect I've failed at.

 

She's 13 now. I almost think if I'm out the picture she'd be more successful.

 

Any advice?

[Mardelis]

Stop doing things for her that she is capable of doing herself. Look up "enabling". As far as the rest, sometimes you don't have any control of those sorts of things. Terrible parents have produced US presidents and great parents have had children who die of heroin overdoses.

[stillafool]

I've noticed a lot of parents who acted more like a friend than a parent to their children are now paying for it. OP you aren't the only parent who is being treated this way by your young child.

[preraph]

Sorry to hear that. Let me just ask one question: Does she got to school or is she homeschooled? Only reason I ask is it sometimes takes a tribe to correct the behavior of a child. Other kids will do that right away. Kids have to learn to adapt to all this, but it's all necessary skills for when they're older and have to get along with coworkers.

 

If she isn't homeschooled, then have you simply bailed her out of anything that happened at school instead of making her take the consequences of her actions? Because enabling/cushioning them amounts to the same thing.

 

A friend of mine has a delightful daughter, but a bigger attention hog never existed. If she couldn't be the center of attention, she could actually get nasty about it. Once in school, she started getting called out on it by her peers. So she's adjusting and much easier to be around now. So point is, be sure you're letting her peers as well as teachers, etc. , correct her. Don't get mad about it and jump in like Mama Bear. It's supposed to happen. She has to learn to live in the real world.

 

If her behavior has been off socially at school, then her being an outcast is why she's unhappy now. Before you take her to a therapist, try to observe her in a social situation with peers when she doesn't know you're watching and see if how she acts is actually different than what she tells you. I mean, plenty of kids tell their parents they're totally miserable, and then go off and have a great time with friends. Observe her around piers. Maybe you can see if there's something she's doing, a way she's acting, that is alienating them. Ask a teacher or coach to tell you what they've observed. Then if you feel she really needs some help with some behavioral issue and isn't functioning right, take her to a psychologist for assessment and therapy.

 

Sometimes when kids just get off on the wrong track, putting them into one of those ranches or schools where they have to earn everything is helpful, but I'm sure those aren't cheap. However you might at least try making her go to a summer camp where she is expected to go right along with the rest of the group whether she wants to or not. It could be a great experience for her.

 

Talk to the school counselor as well. And again, if you've done the ultimate overprotection by home school, time to put her in school. If it was only about academic, that would be one thing. But it's as much about social as anything.

[Gaeta]

At 13 only you can change things around. I suggest you go to parenting classes or find a family therapist to help you through it. Your child is the most precious person on the planet so don't give up on her. Do anything necessary for her to have a good start in life.

 

 

 

If you feel you were unable to teach her good values by 13 then how will you know how to proceed from here? You don't. Recognize you need help and seek it. Any solid parent will have a rough time between age 14-18 so if you don't feel like a solid parent already you will need some guidance.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not enough. I'm trying but I'm not fit for this I can see how ive screwed her up buy giving her almost everything she's asked for, not giving her consequences, by thinking I could raise her all on my own, she has no contact with dad's family. She treats me like crap and other times she's so kind. It's frustrating because I make it my goal to be kind and respectful of her .

 

Every parent makes mistakes. Single parenthood is like working without a net, there's no partner to (hopefully) help keep things on track. While some of what you describe is normal teenage behavior, you have enabled her to act out absent any consequences.

 

You might consider joining a single parent support group, lot of advice and strategizing available there from those who've already walked many miles.

 

No time like today to start making changes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mrs rubble]

I was a solo mum to 2 boys for many years, my youngest son was a right terror, he missed school, took drugs, hung out with all the bad kids, ran away, got bought home by the police, fought with his brother, fought with me. It was an awful time, but I made it through.

 

 

How? firstly I went to see a CBT for myself, as I was so depressed and at the point of giving up, the CBT helped me to recognise each issue and find ways to resolve them.

 

 

This included sending my son to a child psychologist, getting help from truancy services and the local youth police officer. Sending him to a boot camp type course in the school holidays and asking both of his grandfathers to step in and help out during difficult times. It wasn't easy, but he made it through and he has a job, has done some training, has taught himself to play the guitar and to speak Cantonese and Mandarin. He is also very self aware of his behaviour and looks to avoid triggers.

 

 

I suggest you look after yourself first, go see a CBT or a counsellor and figure out how you can find the strength to deal with this, and then make a plan and take one step at a time.

 

 

I was once a 13yo girl and remember how obnoxious I could be at that age, keep in mind at all times her hormones are raging and most 13yo girls are dramatic, stroppy creatures...we all mellow over time though.

 

 

Good luck! Stay strong and don't give up, you haven't failed. You're just in a rough spot right now.

[Leigh 87]

This has nothing to do with my bf. He's not in the picture. This is about my 13 year old daughter.

 

 

I used to think that I was good at this mom thing but apparently not, here's why;

 

1. Daughter does not know her boundaries in our parent child relationship

 

2. Daughter thinks she's on the same level as adults some times

 

3. She has no close friends or really close family other than me and my mom

 

4. She hates her life, feels lonely and doesn't want to live at times

 

5. She's not organized and is messy because I do everything for her she doesn't have chores

 

I'm not enough. I'm trying but I'm not fit for this I can see how ive screwed her up buy giving her almost everything she's asked for, not giving her consequences, by thinking I could raise her all on my own, she has no contact with dad's family. She treats me like crap and other times she's so kind. It's frustrating because I make it my goal to be kind and respectful of her .

 

I provide the basics, food, shelter, love, support, etc... but the most simple things like building a strong social presence, order and respect I've failed at.

 

She's 13 now. I almost think if I'm out the picture she'd be more successful.

 

Any advice?

 

I was exactly like her when I was 13. I hated life. It was an awful decade.

 

My mum also gave me everything with little to no work involved. I did get a job at age 15 but that was just because I wanted to be normal/fit in and have even more money. I didn't last long there though (working).

 

I developed a bad personality and had mild autism to boot - no real close friends but did have some people around me by the time I was 18 but was a loner prior to that due to my upbringing and inability to get along with others.

 

I hated life and was absolutely horrible to my parents. At times, they never thought life would be good again; I also felt the same way. Mum would say "one day this will all get better when you are older and you learn to like yourself". She was right.

 

You are not necessarily at fault here, it is most likely a combination of factors.. My parents, despite spoiling me, were great parents. I was just a very difficult teenage with additional needs they didn't know or understand at the time.

 

I am a generous and kind person yet could not... really be a good version of myself until much, much later in life. I am sure the nice side of your daughter is just waiting to blossom and stick around long term rather than just as a "good day".

 

This could all get better, my parents also felt they failed at parenting but then I came good later in life. I hope it doesn't take your daughter as long as it did for me, but I WAS loads happier at age 17/18 after high school than I was at age 13:sick: Shudders.

 

IF you can afford it, things to relax her like acupuncture and Chinese medicine work wonders on anxiety and depression. I believe if I had eaten a clean low carb diet and did acupuncture earlier at her age - I would have came good at a much earlier age.... I also needed to be good at something, while the depression caused me to lose interest in life and in turn, my grades. I did not have anything to feel proud of and this becomes a viscous cycle so I HIGHLY recommend getting on top of it all now.

 

There is still time to turn things around. This is not necessarily your fault, it takes two people to act and react in most situations.