After 13 years I realize I'm an unfit parent

[guest569]

You're being way too hard on yourself. You can only do so much as a parent. All you can do is try your best and provide the love, care and support that you can. She is her own person and entering adulthood and you don't have control over some things

[ItsAllConfusing]

She's 13. My only child, I love her. I'm working with her. She has therapists, psychiatrist, is taking medicine and has a great school team to work with her.

 

When she has a new interest I'm there to support her. I do everything I can for her. She is the center of my world. What I'm doing for her and giving to her it's not enough because everyday I hear her say how she wants to die.

 

She's well taken care of but emotionally she's suffering. No friends, really no other family but me and she feels so small and alone. I'm at her beck and call. It's exhausting. I'm not living.

 

I don't know what more to do for her. I talk to her. I try to show her, her value. Whatever I say good to her she does not take it in. She refutes it.

 

I feel anger, sadness, and like I've failed her. I'm so very tired. I want her to be happy and successful but at this rate I don't know what quality of life she'll have.

 

She had a 15 minute existential break down and now she's back to normal. Its up and diwn with het. In school she makes unsettling comments for attention and is growing attached to a male teacher.

 

Sge complains aboit how awkward sge is. How everyone looks down on her. How no on cares about her. I can't fix her. She is who she is. I'm trying to teach her to take what you have and who you are and move forward but my words go nowhere.

 

I'm trying. I don't know what more to do. All of this is my fault I know. I wish I did things differently when raising her, now it might be too late. I

 

What can I do????

[preraph]

Just keep her in therapy. That's where she belongs. Part of this is just the high drama of teenagers, who are always overly dramatic and think everything is about them and that everyone is judging them at school, when really they're all too wrapped up in their narcissistic little selves to pay much attention to others.

 

So keep her in therapy. If she ever has a happy positive moment, that's when you give her nice attention (though not talking about it like "oh, so glad you're happy, but just like when she's happy makes you want to spend time with her). Step up the appointments if you need to. I always have felt that if you have one child who is having big issues, the whole family needs counseling, so you probably would benefit from it as well, and this counselor may have some good advice for coping with it, plus you'd have a sounding board. Usually it is a parent/child dynamic that is creating a cycle, as well intended as the parent may be. So see her therapist and maybe gain some insight and tools -- or at least someone to blow your stress out to!

[BaileyB]

I can’t imagine anything worse than hearing those words from your child.

 

I’m sorry that you are struggling with this...are you getting some therapy for yourself? Some family therapy? Some parenting classes? I would be searching for any resource I could find.

 

I almost hate to ask, but are you still seeing that man? That relationship has had a profound affect on your relationship with your daughter. I hope that you have things a little more settled...

Edited October 19, 2018 by BaileyB

[carhill]

'So, what's your preferred method of death?'

 

I used to get a member here who'd call me at zero dark thirty drunk in front of her ex'es house saying she was going to kill herself and that was my response. Didn't plead, didn't empathize, just got her talking and reminded her she had two sons at home who needed her. For her it was alcohol and hormones. For your daughter, hormones. Normal stuff. Yeah, bizarre and scary sometimes, no doubt.

 

Bet she acts like it never happened minutes after a meltdown. If you talk about it later you just get a blank stare. Seen it all.

 

There's a risk in giving a child too many pillows. A risk they won't know the concrete wall when it's heading right at them. I'd be exceedingly cautious with the psych drugs at that age. Hope a real brain team is involved. Easy for things to go sideways medically. When was the last time she was baselined and evaluated? At that age, things can change fast.

 

Make it job #1 to carve out time for yourself. Sounds like you're almost, if not in fact, in caregiver mode. That can be a killer. It'll eat you up. Respite.

 

If she goes quiet and distant, then I'd be more concerned. Hope things work out and this all becomes a distant memory in an otherwise healthy life.

[BaileyB]

'So, what's your preferred method of death?'

 

I can't imagine ever saying this to a child.

 

Not saying that she should avoid talking about how she is feeling. Just saying... you are wise to keep working with the professionals OP.

Edited October 19, 2018 by BaileyB

[ItsAllConfusing]

Just keep her in therapy. That's where she belongs. Part of this is just the high drama of teenagers, who are always overly dramatic and think everything is about them and that everyone is judging them at school, when really they're all too wrapped up in their narcissistic little selves to pay much attention to others.

 

So keep her in therapy. If she ever has a happy positive moment, that's when you give her nice attention (though not talking about it like "oh, so glad you're happy, but just like when she's happy makes you want to spend time with her). Step up the appointments if you need to. I always have felt that if you have one child who is having big issues, the whole family needs counseling, so you probably would benefit from it as well, and this counselor may have some good advice for coping with it, plus you'd have a sounding board. Usually it is a parent/child dynamic that is creating a cycle, as well intended as the parent may be. So see her therapist and maybe gain some insight and tools -- or at least someone to blow your stress out to!

 

Thank you. She enjoys the time with her therapist and wishes she could see her more frequently. We're having some difficulty with our insurance booking extra visits and family therapy but I'll look into it.

 

We do have many good moments together, laughing and smiling. I love those moments.

[elaine567]

In school she makes unsettling comments for attention and is growing attached to a male teacher.

What male influences has she had in her life?

Is she in contact with her father?

[alphamale]

I assume her health care professionals have screened her for clinical depression??

[Gaeta]

So she was diagnosed with what? Do the meds make any difference? About finding a support group for yourself, exchanging experience and pain with other parents that are dealing with the same may be good to you.

 

 

 

Also, you keep repeating that it's your fault, you cannot administer a mental illness to a child, so if it's all about being difficult and spoiled and no mental illness is at play I'd look for a boot camp to send her to. I suspect she has too much time on her hands.

[d0nnivain]

When you pick her up or drop her off to those therapists you are paying for, out of her ear shot tell them what you have told us & ask those professionals how to handle this.

[bathtub-row]

This child has learned to manipulate through these words. She’s running your life with this game and I think I’d go to a therapist and find out how to stop it. If it means putting her in an institution for a few days, then do it. If it were my child, as soon as the words were spoken, I’d call an ambulance and have her taken away. I’m guessing that game would stop pretty quickly.

 

I remember your previous posts. This has been going on far too long.

[vla1120]

Your daughter reminds me of my daughter at that age. She refused to go to school. She was miserable and threatened suicide. I kept her in therapy. She was on medication for anxiety and depression. She kept threatening suicide every time we forced her to go to school. Then, her therapist and psychiatrist recommended she attend a therapeutic day school so that she would have psychological help and still attend school at the same time. On her first day, she threatened suicide at her first group session at the day school. Her counselor called me and recommended we commit her for her own safety (she was also cutting at that time.) It took a few hours to get her placed. I met the ambulance at the school and she was transported to a mental facility. There, she met kids her age who TRULY had serious problems, had survived suicide attempts, as well as all types of abuse, abandonment, etc.

 

When we visited her the next day, she was sobbing, pleading with us that she did not belong there, she was sorry for saying she was suicidal to get out of school, and the kids in there really did have problems in their lives that made her feel horrible for acting like she did.

 

She had to stay and finish the program and be released by her assigned psychiatrist, which took almost a month. She never cried wolf again.

 

The thing is - I don't know if this is your daughter. I also had a psychologist once tell me that even when some people attempt suicide and it looks like it's only for attention, be careful because it could mean they are practicing and will get it right one day.

 

Keep her in therapy and watch her take her medicine (mine was famous for hiding it under her tongue then spitting it out.)

 

One last suggestion - I was advised by a licensed therapist to question my daughter when she threatened suicide - Do you have a plan? How would you do it? Those were always very scary questions to me because I did not want to put ideas into her head. Ask your daughter's therapist how to handle it when she makes these threats.

 

Hang in there. As much grief as I experienced with this daughter at that age, she is now the one who asks me how I am doing, do I need anything, etc. she watches over me and she is as well-adjusted as anyone her age. Best of luck, mom.

Edited October 23, 2018 by vla1120

[basil67]

Also, you keep repeating that it's your fault, you cannot administer a mental illness to a child, so if it's all about being difficult and spoiled and no mental illness is at play I'd look for a boot camp to send her to. I suspect she has too much time on her hands.

 

If poor parenting plays a part, both the child and the parent need to learn new strategies. A boot camp will only address half the issue.

[Ronni_W]

She's 13. ... everyday I hear her say how she wants to die.

When it comes to death and dying, there are also spiritual considerations. Particularly in the West, we do not have good or proper scientific or religious education/teachings about it.

 

Certainly your daughter needs to have all the support that she's already been getting, but, since there has not been the kind of progress that you would want for her, you may wish to consider

coming at the problem from the other angle, as well. To that end, I would offer these articles on Death and Dying, for you to do initial research to see what can be offered to your daughter

in an age-appropriate way.

 

Wishing you both the very best.

[preraph]

The boot camps also meet with the parents (at least the good ones) to teach them to do things differently. My understanding is it happens later on and just takes a day or two. Training them their method.

 

When I was a kid, I would have LOVED one of those boot camps and thrived there, but kids today are mostly not outdoorsy and hardy so it's a rude shock. I would only send her if her therapist recommended it.

[ItsAllConfusing]

She will be 14 next year.

 

She seemed a little down so I did a search of her internet history while she was sleeping, I found that she searched passionate sex and clicked on 4 pornographic videos and was in a adult chat room.

 

I talked to my mom told her I was taking away the phone and asked her advice she said don't take it away, she's just a curious kid and don't bring it up directly but bring it up by making up a fake story in the news about kid who got in trouble for viewing adult material. So I decided to give it a day and see if this was a one time thing.

 

I looked last night and she went to two porn sites, did some Google searches to find out what some sexual terms are and looked up sexual role play plots.

 

Now I knew she was on this site and it started out innocently she would role play as innocent characters like mythical creatures, or women with special powers. She's a writer so I supported this. She mentioned last week about a person who was interested in lewd role play and I told her not to engage and if I found out she was doing this I'd take her phone.

 

She doesn't know I have her password. I'm worried and botheredmd I have decided to take the phone, this was the last straw. She's been behind on schoolwork, is very messy and does not take care of her hygiene. She doesn't have friends so her phone is her comfort,she uses it to write, listen to music, do research but at this point it's doing more harm than good. She can find other ways to occupy her time. She's had the phone since the summer and she has had phones before but she never did anything like this. This isn't healthy and it's more than a little curiosity.

 

I will wait this evening and I'll tell her that I'm able to see her internet searches and that I've seen what she's been looking at and that she will lose her phone indefinitely. By doing this She won't know that I went into her phone. Is this a good idea?

 

She's usually very open with me, asks questions, doesn't hide things but she's just going on like nothing is going on.

Any advice?

Edited December 22, 2018 by ItsAllConfusing

[salparadise]

My advice would be to take it easy on her. At her age there will be natural curiosity. She probably has classmates who are starting to explore their sexuality, or will be soon. She's just trying to figure out what makes the world go round, not falling off the edge. You don't want to give her hangups that she'll have to be in therapy for decades to get past... and if she figures out that you're snooping it could damage your relationship with her (and she'll change the password).

[Art_Critic]

IMO parenting is successful when you parent and get them to make the right choices.

You haven't given her the chance to make the right choices yet, her curiosity is normal but she needs to know that you won't tolerate that type of use on the phone.

I think you should talk to her about it and open up some dialog about what she has been viewing, the cat is out of the bag...

Then lay down your rules as you seem fit and if then she breaks your rules then pull the phone or limit access.

 

BTW, you should safe search lock down her google searches, google allows that.. it has to be done on each device, Bing also allows it.. you can't pull up so much as a drawing of a penis after that.

Also, Verizon has a family plan for under 10 dollars a month that allows the parent total control over a child's phone, even can decide what hours the phone has internet data.

[ItsAllConfusing]

My advice would be to take it easy on her. At her age there will be natural curiosity. She probably has classmates who are starting to explore their sexuality, or will be soon. She's just trying to figure out what makes the world go round, not falling off the edge. You don't want to give her hangups that she'll have to be in therapy for decades to get past... and if she figures out that you're snooping it could damage your relationship with her (and she'll change the password).

 

 

You're right but I can't let this sexual role play stuff continue. What it becomes an obsession, an addiction? If I don't address it then I feel it's going to keep happening maybe it will advance to sexting. I'm worried.

 

You think I should ignore it?

[ItsAllConfusing]

IMO parenting is successful when you parent and get them to make the right choices.

You haven't given her the chance to make the right choices yet, her curiosity is normal but she needs to know that you won't tolerate that type of use on the phone.

I think you should talk to her about it and open up some dialog about what she has been viewing, the cat is out of the bag...

Then lay down your rules as you seem fit and if then she breaks your rules then pull the phone or limit access.

 

BTW, you should safe search lock down her google searches, google allows that.. it has to be done on each device, Bing also allows it.. you can't pull up so much as a drawing of a penis after that.

Also, Verizon has a family pan for under 10 dollars a month that allows the parent total control over a child's phone, even can decide what hours the phone has internet data.

 

Ok thank you. The first day I found out I wanted to bust on to her room and just lecture her and get rid of the phone. I had to contain myself, it was hard. This is great advice but I told her that if I found out that she's watching adult videos etc I'd take the phone. I feel that it'll be an empty threat if I don't follow through but I guess I can give her a chance to correct it and then do the parental controls as you've suggested.

[sabaton]

She will be 14 next year.

 

She seemed a little down so I did a search of her internet history while she was sleeping, I found that she searched passionate sex and clicked on 4 pornographic videos and was in a adult chat room.

 

I talked to my mom told her I was taking away the phone and asked her advice she said don't take it away, she's just a curious kid and don't bring it up directly but bring it up by making up a fake story in the news about kid who got in trouble for viewing adult material. So I decided to give it a day and see if this was a one time thing.

 

I looked last night and she went to two porn sites, did some Google searches to find out what some sexual terms are and looked up sexual role play plots.

 

Now I knew she was on this site and it started out innocently she would role play as innocent characters like mythical creatures, or women with special powers. She's a writer so I supported this. She mentioned last week about a person who was interested in lewd role play and I told her not to engage and if I found out she was doing this I'd take her phone.

 

She doesn't know I have her password. I'm worried and botheredmd I have decided to take the phone, this was the last straw. She's been behind on schoolwork, is very messy and does not take care of her hygiene. She doesn't have friends so her phone is her comfort,she uses it to write, listen to music, do research but at this point it's doing more harm than good. She can find other ways to occupy her time. She's had the phone since the summer and she has had phones before but she never did anything like this. This isn't healthy and it's more than a little curiosity.

 

I will wait this evening and I'll tell her that I'm able to see her internet searches and that I've seen what she's been looking at and that she will lose her phone indefinitely. By doing this She won't know that I went into her phone. Is this a good idea?

 

She's usually very open with me, asks questions, doesn't hide things but she's just going on like nothing is going on.

Any advice?

 

That's normal. I started watching porn when I was 12. I waited until my parents left for dinner and then I just went and watched my dad's 80s and 90s VHS porn collection while they were gone. 17 years after that night, I still have very fond memories about the first porn movie I've ever watched. And I go back to watching, lol, god bless the internet.

 

Now, here's the thing. Teenagers have a sex drive, and it's better for them to watch porn rather than going out and starting having sex at that age, right? So as long as they're watching only legalized adult porn, and they aren't watching like 10 hours of porn a day and neglecting their lives and school and their family- it's fine.

 

Porn is not going to turn someone into a sexual deviant. I became sexually active at 13, but that would've happened with our without porn in my life. Have a talk with your daugther and explain to her that sexting is something you'd rather wait until she's 18 and over, that includes all sorts of sexual activity conducted through online means. And tell her that if she ever decides to sext a guy with pictures AFTER she tuns 18, to not put her face in the pictures.

 

Now, I have 5 sisters. My sisters have been on the pill since they were 12. Some of my sisters became sexually active when they were 13, others when they were 14, and others when they were 16.

 

Better play it safe and get your daughter birth control, while telling her about the risks of becoming sexually or romantically involved with the opposite sex a such an early age but don't go out assuming that watching porn is going to turn young people into sexual deviants.

Edited December 22, 2018 by sabaton

[Garcon1986]

Indeed teenage girls and boys all start getting hungry for the opposite gender during puberty - the calmest and healthiest way is to sit her down at some point and talk about sexuality, and the risks/ benefits. Kids usually hide it because its embarrassing to talk about it in front of the parents. I would frame the conversation as you wanting to uphold her safety and emotional health - and it should make an uncomfortable conversation go much easier. I wouldn't immediately talk about her browsed websites. Set boundaries at the end of the conversation.

[sabaton]

Indeed teenage girls and boys all start getting hungry for the opposite gender during puberty - the calmest and healthiest way is to sit her down at some point and talk about sexuality, and the risks/ benefits. Kids usually hide it because its embarrassing to talk about it in front of the parents. I would frame the conversation as you wanting to uphold her safety and emotional health - and it should make an uncomfortable conversation go much easier. I wouldn't immediately talk about her browsed websites. Set boundaries at the end of the conversation.

 

That's why it pays off for parents to have an open mind and to start talking about the human body, orgasms, sex, the opposite sex, the same sex, homosexuality, relationships, and birth control, while the kids are still young.

 

My mother and father began talking to my sisters and I when we were about 10 years old, and as a result my sisters never got pregnant and never contracted a STD despite starting their sex lives early, and I never got hooked for 18 years of child-support.

 

Meanwhile, my sisters had classmates whose parents never talked to them about sex 'cause they were conservative and they ended up becoming teen mothers, or went on and got themselves an abortion.

[salparadise]

You're right but I can't let this sexual role play stuff continue. What it becomes an obsession, an addiction? If I don't address it then I feel it's going to keep happening maybe it will advance to sexting. I'm worried.

 

You think I should ignore it?

 

No, I don't think ignoring it is necessarily the way to handle it, but I also don't think you should be heavy-handed or authoritarian. The goal (imo) is to allow her to develop healthy sexual attitudes. You aren't going to be able to prevent her from learning about the various ways people engage in sexuality, or becoming sexually active when she decides she's ready (short of locking her in a closet). You don't want this to turn into a power struggle––you will lose, and she may do exactly what you forbid her to as an act of rebellion. You want to be her ally, give her the confidence and self-respect to make good choices for herself. I think you'd be better served to open the lines of communication such that she trusts in your wisdom and looks to you for knowledge and guidance.

 

I explained to my daughter around that age that freedom and responsibility are two sides of the same coin. I told her that it will be an incremental process... she can earn more freedom by demonstrating that she's making good choices. I never spoke in anger, and the few times I had to impose discipline I made sure she understood it was because I loved and respected her more than she could even imagine. I made sure she understood that trust and respect are earned, but my love is inherent and unconditional.

 

The job of parenting is to love and teach... and doing it well means letting go slowly, starting around your daughter's age, such that around age 21 they've been making good decisions for years and are confident to fly on their own.

 

I'm sure you know all of this, and I realize that a 13 year old daughter delving into sexual things on the internet could be panic inducing. But don't panic. Love and teach.