After 13 years I realize I'm an unfit parent

[Mr. Lucky]

BTW, you should safe search lock down her google searches, google allows that.. it has to be done on each device, Bing also allows it.. you can't pull up so much as a drawing of a penis after that.

Also, Verizon has a family plan for under 10 dollars a month that allows the parent total control over a child's phone, even can decide what hours the phone has internet data.

 

To me this is a sensible middle ground. I get the whole "she's just curious" thing, but we still want to keep our kids in an age-appropriate world as much as we can. You can keep the dialog open without abdicating parental responsibilities.

 

I really feel for parents today. When my kids were that age, the big crisis was when the boy's got into the host Dad's Playboy magazines after a Scout meeting. Whole different ballgame today and there's just no way my 13-yr old would have a completely unlocked device...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

This is also the daughter who tells you that she wants to die, is it not.

 

I would be very concerned about this. She is extremely vulnerable and I'm sure we don't need to tell you that she is potentially putting herself at risk in these chat rooms - where sexual predators target lonely and vulnerable teen-age girls.

 

Can you have a discussion with her counsellor? As much as I would like to say that she is a curious teenager, this child is at high risk and the consequences are serious...

[grays]

I think googling sex terms and looking at porn is very normal, though what she’s doing might be a little sophisticated for that age. My gut says that the role playing stuff is not something most people would be interested in at 13, but maybe that’s a better thing than watching hours of hardcore porn. It seems a little more creative and maybe more real somehow, not like real sex but like real in terms of not just consuming some mass produced idea of what’s sexy.

 

I hope, hope, hope that you can manage not to shame her. If I was in your shoes, I’d refrain from confronting her or even letting her know that you know.

 

My biggest fear would be that she might be interacting with adults. I’d definitely be having discussions about what can happen to girls who meet someone in real life that they’ve been talking to online. I’d also be talking to her about the difference between porn and real sex and about sex with feelings versus sex without.

 

I might even (though I don’t feel so sure about this) somehow suggest reading erotica. I know that sounds weird and possibly creepy. I would feel squeamish about being too involved with my child’s sexual thoughts. But it seems like a better outlet to me, one that is more about her than just watching the kind of sex she’s probably looking at online.

 

Also has she read Forever by Judy Blume? I remember loving that when I was 13. That was 36 years ago and I’d hope there’re more books like that now.

 

I hate to bring this up, but are you the same poster who’s daughter read her sexts? And hates your new boyfriend? If so it feels like things are volatile and probably feeling out of control for both of you. I wonder if the role playing stuff could be a way to deal with loneliness, like she’s connecting a little bit with strangers online because she’s having a hard time with her real life relationships. I’m afraid the boyfriend might be alienating her. I know that I felt very alienated when my single mom met her now husband when I was 10, and that is to this day a big problem in our relationship. I still feel like she abandoned me for those first few years with him and I still don’t quite trust her because of that. And I got myself into some yucky situations with men and boys during those years because I was lonely.

 

Is she in therapy?

[BaileyB]

My biggest fear would be that she might be interacting with adults. I’d definitely be having discussions about what can happen to girls who meet someone in real life that they’ve been talking to online. I’d also be talking to her about the difference between porn and real sex and about sex with feelings versus sex without.

 

Most definitely. I would also be randomly monitoring her phone and online history... Thirteen is too young to have unrestricted and unsupervised internet access, IMHO. Particularly when you have good reason to be concerned.

Edited December 22, 2018 by BaileyB

[carhill]

Given the access nefarious adults have to children through technology these days, that's certainly an issue to address through access controls.

 

OP, has your daughter been through professional sex education/personal health classes?

 

I'm ancient but I got that (at school) just a bit younger than her and got it at home even before puberty. I also got the talk about inappropriate behavior from adults. We later saw the value of that when reports of priests molesting young boys came out decades later. That happened at some of the private schools I went to. The education came in handy.

 

It appears your daughter has multiple challenges so really hard to give advice as a private non-professional. Sounds like mental/emotional health professionals would be the best bet. Until things get sorted, IMO cut the access to essential calls/texts and monitor.

[sabaton]

Given the access nefarious adults have to children through technology these days, that's certainly an issue to address through access controls.

That's true. The King of Spain denied his youngest daughters request for a modern cellphone for her birthday because he didn't want her to have access to instagram and facebook, so she keeps her life private. Removing access to her cellphone will make it harder for her to access porn, but it won't make it impossible. I have cousins whose parents don't pay for the internet because they are cheap, but they still access it via other means.

 

I'm old, and when I was a teenager the internet was just getting started. It was impossibly long just to open a JPEG file, but no matter the boys in my classrooms still managed to sneak porno videos and trade amongst us. These days with how easy it is for porn to be reached, yeah, denying someone something is only going to make it more desireable.

 

I'm ancient but I got that (at school) just a bit younger than her and got it at home even before puberty. I also got the talk about inappropriate behavior from adults. We later saw the value of that when reports of priests molesting young boys came out decades later. That happened at some of the private schools I went to. The education came in handy.

That one I never understood. My religious grandmother wanted to get me baptized and wanted me to attend mass and to spend time in the church, but my parents said no, no and no. Does anyone believe these guys can go a lifetime without sex? They're going to become sexual deviants, and considering how pretty of a boy I was I would probably have ended up like one of those guys who had their lives messed up by the holy church.

 

 

But hey, religion is necessary in the 21th century right.

 

 

More than 300 women have accused Brazilian faith healer João Teixeira de Faria of sexually abusing them, according to Brazil's state media agency, citing the Department of Public Ministry of the state of Goiás.The women, from countries around the world, were seeking spiritual healing, the statement says. The accusations first aired December 7 on the Globo

 

TV program "Conversa com Bial," during which 10 people came forward with their allegations.

At least 335 people have contacted the Department of Public Ministry with accusations. But André Fernandes, civil police superintendent in Goiás, said authorities have only received 15 formal complaints so far. Prosecutors say the allegations against Teixeira include rape.

https://edition.cnn.com/2018/12/17/americas/brazilian-healer-sexual-abuse-accusations/index.html

 

And that's a 60 something dude. Imagine those early 30s priests, brimming still with sexual desire, and they can't satisfy it because the Church decided centuries ago that celibacy was necessary to please their god, when the truth was that the Church wanted to keep property within the church, instead of having it being given to the sons of the members of the church lmao, hi there Rodrigo Lanzol Borgia.

 

 

I would never let a son or daughter of mine near a priest. Priest, healer, what's the difference. They're all coming from the same place.

Edited December 22, 2018 by sabaton

[ItsAllConfusing]

That's why it pays off for parents to have an open mind and to start talking about the human body, orgasms, sex, the opposite sex, the same sex, homosexuality, relationships, and birth control, while the kids are still young.

 

My mother and father began talking to my sisters and I when we were about 10 years old, and as a result my sisters never got pregnant and never contracted a STD despite starting their sex lives early, and I never got hooked for 18 years of child-support.

 

Meanwhile, my sisters had classmates whose parents never talked to them about sex 'cause they were conservative and they ended up becoming teen mothers, or went on and got themselves an abortion.

 

I've had the talk with my daughter at different ages in her life starting at age 10 up until 12. Now I see a different level of the talk is needed. I have no problems talking to her about this stuff and she has no problems listening.

 

We have open communication. I let her know that she can come to me for and with anything so I was just so shocked to see that she has been doing this.

[ItsAllConfusing]

This is also the daughter who tells you that she wants to die, is it not.

 

I would be very concerned about this. She is extremely vulnerable and I'm sure we don't need to tell you that she is potentially putting herself at risk in these chat rooms - where sexual predators target lonely and vulnerable teen-age girls.

 

Can you have a discussion with her counsellor? As much as I would like to say that she is a curious teenager, this child is at high risk and the consequences are serious...

 

Yes this is the daughter who wants to die. I'm very concerned because like you mentioned and like my mom mentioned she's vulnerable and can easily fall into the hands of a predator.

 

Yes I plan on talking to her counselor about this and I've decided to cut her phone service indefinitely. It will be shut off tomorrow.

[ItsAllConfusing]

I think googling sex terms and looking at porn is very normal, though what she’s doing might be a little sophisticated for that age. My gut says that the role playing stuff is not something most people would be interested in at 13, but maybe that’s a better thing than watching hours of hardcore porn. It seems a little more creative and maybe more real somehow, not like real sex but like real in terms of not just consuming some mass produced idea of what’s sexy.

 

I hope, hope, hope that you can manage not to shame her. If I was in your shoes, I’d refrain from confronting her or even letting her know that you know.

 

My biggest fear would be that she might be interacting with adults. I’d definitely be having discussions about what can happen to girls who meet someone in real life that they’ve been talking to online. I’d also be talking to her about the difference between porn and real sex and about sex with feelings versus sex without.

 

I might even (though I don’t feel so sure about this) somehow suggest reading erotica. I know that sounds weird and possibly creepy. I would feel squeamish about being too involved with my child’s sexual thoughts. But it seems like a better outlet to me, one that is more about her than just watching the kind of sex she’s probably looking at online.

 

Also has she read Forever by Judy Blume? I remember loving that when I was 13. That was 36 years ago and I’d hope there’re more books like that now.

 

I hate to bring this up, but are you the same poster who’s daughter read her sexts? And hates your new boyfriend? If so it feels like things are volatile and probably feeling out of control for both of you. I wonder if the role playing stuff could be a way to deal with loneliness, like she’s connecting a little bit with strangers online because she’s having a hard time with her real life relationships. I’m afraid the boyfriend might be alienating her. I know that I felt very alienated when my single mom met her now husband when I was 10, and that is to this day a big problem in our relationship. I still feel like she abandoned me for those first few years with him and I still don’t quite trust her because of that. And I got myself into some yucky situations with men and boys during those years because I was lonely.

 

Is she in therapy?

 

Yes I am that same person and yes I feel that out of loneliness that she does this. I have plans in place to help her feel less alone.

 

No I won't shame her at all. I am not even going to bring this up but I will have a more in depth sex talk and a talk about child predators etc..

 

She told me that she'll sometimes go into 18t+ rooms because the dialogue is more creative (her writing level is advanced). I clearly told her that she was not to go into those rooms or to view any adult material or her phone eould be cancelled. She was already on thin ice for an incident at school. I told her she had two more chances before she'd loose her phone. She has used up 2 of those chances by going into these chatrooma and viewing adult videos and for her behavior in using profanities tonight.

 

She asked for me to please not cut the service but I'm doing it and takimg the phone. The phone is becoming a major hindrance to completing schoolwork, sleeping on time, taking care of her hygiene and being organized. I'm happy with the choice I madeand I know she'll benefit from it.

 

Yes she's in therapy and we'll be starting family therapy next month.

[grays]

Something about your tone makes me worried that you’re not taking the time to think it through and imagine what it’s like to be in her shoes and how she might be feeling. I’m worried that taking her phone will be devastating to her.

[ItsAllConfusing]

Something about your tone makes me worried that you’re not taking the time to think it through and imagine what it’s like to be in her shoes and how she might be feeling. I’m worried that taking her phone will be devastating to her.

 

 

It just seems like the right thing to do. Maybe I'll block sites. I just have to think of something.

[thefooloftheyear]

The technology is here...We cant stop it, and while I don't think its right to completely ignore it, there is only so much you can do, without getting Draconian...

 

For whatever its worth, a lot of us grew up without this technology and I would bet anything that we were doing more than these kids are today in terms of actual sex...Perhaps by getting a chance to see it all takes away the allure of it??...I dunno… I have a 15 year old daughter that's pretty open with me and she tells me what's going on, for the most part...

 

The thing that would bother me the most is the sites that allow interaction with others(adults)… This is bad news for a younger kid...…

 

TFY

[bathtub-row]

You should have the password to everything she does and she should be aware of that. Why are you, as her parent, sneaking around? Everything she does should be transparent to you - at least everything she does that’s in your home or things you pay for and provide.

 

Porn is completely horrible for children. It causes them to think that’s the norm. It’s the same as violent video games. An adult knows the reality but children don’t yet have a firm reality base. Whether she sees porn or does other things that you don’t approve of outside your presence isn’t anything you can control but at least you can give her a basis for what is right or wrong. Now you must explain to her why porn is bad and why she’s about to go on lockdown. A 14 yr old should have far more restrictions than what she has and you need to take action. Whether you’re aware of it or not, children are grateful for parents who protect them and put restrictions on them when necessary.

 

My son didn’t have a private computer until he was in his senior year of high school. When he was younger, I once made the mistake of giving him a computer in his room. I quickly took it away and brought it downstairs where I could see what he was doing. You tiptoe around your child way too much. She needs guidance, not a timid woman who doesn’t seem to know she’s a parent.

[Mr. Lucky]

I’m worried that taking her phone will be devastating to her.

 

There are other ways the daughter can utilize technology in a non-connected manner. And a number of dangers out there potentially more devastating than the loss of phone privileges...

 

Mr. Lucky

[grays]

There are other ways the daughter can utilize technology in a non-connected manner. And a number of dangers out there potentially more devastating than the loss of phone privileges...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree with this, but OP’s daughter seems to be in a very vulnerable state. My 15 year old would have a very hard time with losing his phone. And even I would feel pretty lost without mine, mostly cut off from the people I know in real life and communicate with daily, but also would feel cut off from what’s going on beyond the places I physically visit.

[salparadise]

Something about your tone makes me worried that you’re not taking the time to think it through and imagine what it’s like to be in her shoes and how she might be feeling. I’m worried that taking her phone will be devastating to her.

 

I agree. I think you are reacting to your own frustration as opposed to managing from a higher perspective. Don't turn this into a struggle between the two of you. You risk triggering full rebellion mode. How she feels and what she wants is important- acknowledge that. You could win the battle and lose the war.

 

You can use parental controls to limit what she can access, and to set how much screen time she is allowed. You can also openly monitor her activity, in which case she will know she can't engage in sexual stuff because she knows you're watching.

[anika99]

IMO parenting is successful when you parent and get them to make the right choices.

You haven't given her the chance to make the right choices yet, her curiosity is normal but she needs to know that you won't tolerate that type of use on the phone.

I think you should talk to her about it and open up some dialog about what she has been viewing, the cat is out of the bag...

Then lay down your rules as you seem fit and if then she breaks your rules then pull the phone or limit access.

 

BTW, you should safe search lock down her google searches, google allows that.. it has to be done on each device, Bing also allows it.. you can't pull up so much as a drawing of a penis after that.

Also, Verizon has a family plan for under 10 dollars a month that allows the parent total control over a child's phone, even can decide what hours the phone has internet data.

 

I agree with the above. Take steps to safeguard her phone and also let her know that if she wants to keep the phone then she has to accept that you will be checking it whenever you want. It's not so much the porn as the interacting with strangers that is concerning. At 13 you get to make the rules still.

 

But as someone else said, don't shame her or make her feel immoral. When I was 14 years old my religious fanatic stepfather found a very sexually explicit novel I had hidden in my room and he made me feel like a disgusting dirty immoral harlot who was going to burn in hell. I know you're not going to do that but be sure to choose your words carefully and express that her sexual curiosity is completely normal. Let her know that you are not angry, just concerned and looking out for her safety.

[ItsAllConfusing]

I agree. I think you are reacting to your own frustration as opposed to managing from a higher perspective. Don't turn this into a struggle between the two of you. You risk triggering full rebellion mode. How she feels and what she wants is important- acknowledge that. You could win the battle and lose the war.

 

You can use parental controls to limit what she can access, and to set how much screen time she is allowed. You can also openly monitor her activity, in which case she will know she can't engage in sexual stuff because she knows you're watching.

 

Thanks to everyone's advice I installed monitoring software on her phone and I'm thrilled with the results. I am able to view everything she searched in real time, I can block sites, I can track where she is (although she doesn't go anywhere), I can see all texts, messages, pics sent etc....

 

I did not tell her that I installed the software and she cant uninstall it as it's password protected. I'm wondering if I should tell her that I'm monitoring her or not. I'm sure she'll see the software on her app but there's nothing age can do about it.

 

So I'm not turning the phone off.

[ItsAllConfusing]

There are other ways the daughter can utilize technology in a non-connected manner. And a number of dangers out there potentially more devastating than the loss of phone privileges...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

My thing is if she can engage in 18+ role play online what's stopping her from going offline and making this into reality this is why I wanted to cut all internet access off but now that ive installed the monitoring software I can track and prevent this.

[ItsAllConfusing]

Thanks to everyone's advice I installed monitoring software on her phone and I'm thrilled with the results. I am able to view everything she searched in real time, I can block sites, I can track where she is (although she doesn't go anywhere), I can see all texts, messages, pics sent etc....

 

I did not tell her that I installed the software and she cant uninstall it as it's password protected. I'm wondering if I should tell her that I'm monitoring her or not. I'm sure she'll see the software on her app but there's nothing age can do about it.

 

So I'm not turning the phone off.

 

I meant there's nothing else SHE can do about it.

[major_merrick]

Several people in this thread have said "its normal." In the sense that most teenagers have been exposed to porn, yeah, it is normal. But does that make it a good thing? I was very sexual at a young age. At age 13, I was having sex with peers and with older women.. I was hooked on adult movies in my teen years too. Was that good? What porn doesn't do is present normal relationships between people. It presents a skewed and unnatural view of sex. Porn is a masturbatory aid, or sometimes for shock value. If a teen is looking at porn, it is because they are either curious or missing something. In no way is porn a good influence.

 

So what should the OP do? If I were in her shoes, the phone would be replaced with an old-fashioned flip phone without internet access. Something that only allows talk and text and has no password. You don't have to justify it to her - you're the parent and she's a minor! Or if you want to explain it, simply complain that the plan with the data was costing too much. Family budget, blah blah blah. It is a logical excuse. Giving a teenager a smartphone is just asking for trouble. When I was raising my younger sister, I never allowed her to have a smartphone, or unfiltered access to technology.

 

On the computers to which she has access, put in a filter so she can't search for adult stuff, but can still communicate with her friends. Put in a keylogger and tracking software so you can see everything. That's just good practice for someone who is a computer admin on a shared unit anyway.

 

Finally, after a bit of time has gone by, start to have regular talks about sex, relationships, etc... You don't have to shame her or indicate that you know what she's been looking at. But you can provide her with some positive discussion and guidance. My parents never did that.

[ItsAllConfusing]

I agree with the above. Take steps to safeguard her phone and also let her know that if she wants to keep the phone then she has to accept that you will be checking it whenever you want. It's not so much the porn as the interacting with strangers that is concerning. At 13 you get to make the rules still.

 

But as someone else said, don't shame her or make her feel immoral. When I was 14 years old my religious fanatic stepfather found a very sexually explicit novel I had hidden in my room and he made me feel like a disgusting dirty immoral harlot who was going to burn in hell. I know you're not going to do that but be sure to choose your words carefully and express that her sexual curiosity is completely normal. Let her know that you are not angry, just concerned and looking out for her safety.

 

 

Thank you, I like this. I think I'll just tell her that I'm monitoring her device. She didn't want to lose internet access and so I've decided to monitor her activity.

 

I won't shame her. I'm going to talk about child predators, sexual health and love... if anything I'm feeling horrible because i feel it's my parenting or lack thereof that has caused this to happen. If she's doing this because she's lonely that's just sad. Im goimg to work with her the best way thst i know how.

 

At around 8 or 9 i was introduced to sexual things by a family member, I saw my first glimpse of porn at around that age too and I was horrified. I saw my mother being intimate with my step dad too. I felt hurt and betrayed but I respected her, I never mentioned it. Around that age I found mom's porno vids and watched some of it with my cousin. We got caught but weren't heavily reprimanded. At around 10/11 I started looking for those tapes again and I was actively self pleasing which I learned from that relative and this was a sickening almost addiction for me.

 

In my time we didn't have access to porn online like these kids now. Now everything is so accessible. I went through my stage of sexual exploration and I was never shamed. I understand that kids go through this but it's so shocking for me because my kid seemed so grossed out by that, so not into that. It's amazing how she was able to hide that from me.

Edited December 23, 2018 by ItsAllConfusing

[ItsAllConfusing]

You should have the password to everything she does and she should be aware of that. Why are you, as her parent, sneaking around? Everything she does should be transparent to you - at least everything she does that’s in your home or things you pay for and provide.

 

Porn is completely horrible for children. It causes them to think that’s the norm. It’s the same as violent video games. An adult knows the reality but children don’t yet have a firm reality base. Whether she sees porn or does other things that you don’t approve of outside your presence isn’t anything you can control but at least you can give her a basis for what is right or wrong. Now you must explain to her why porn is bad and why she’s about to go on lockdown. A 14 yr old should have far more restrictions than what she has and you need to take action. Whether you’re aware of it or not, children are grateful for parents who protect them and put restrictions on them when necessary.

 

My son didn’t have a private computer until he was in his senior year of high school. When he was younger, I once made the mistake of giving him a computer in his room. I quickly took it away and brought it downstairs where I could see what he was doing. You tiptoe around your child way too much. She needs guidance, not a timid woman who doesn’t seem to know she’s a parent.

 

Well thank you for this. You made some great points.

[ItsAllConfusing]

Several people in this thread have said "its normal." In the sense that most teenagers have been exposed to porn, yeah, it is normal. But does that make it a good thing? I was very sexual at a young age. At age 13, I was having sex with peers and with older women.. I was hooked on adult movies in my teen years too. Was that good? What porn doesn't do is present normal relationships between people. It presents a skewed and unnatural view of sex. Porn is a masturbatory aid, or sometimes for shock value. If a teen is looking at porn, it is because they are either curious or missing something. In no way is porn a good influence.

 

So what should the OP do? If I were in her shoes, the phone would be replaced with an old-fashioned flip phone without internet access. Something that only allows talk and text and has no password. You don't have to justify it to her - you're the parent and she's a minor! Or if you want to explain it, simply complain that the plan with the data was costing too much. Family budget, blah blah blah. It is a logical excuse. Giving a teenager a smartphone is just asking for trouble. When I was raising my younger sister, I never allowed her to have a smartphone, or unfiltered access to technology.

 

On the computers to which she has access, put in a filter so she can't search for adult stuff, but can still communicate with her friends. Put in a keylogger and tracking software so you can see everything. That's just good practice for someone who is a computer admin on a shared unit anyway.

 

Finally, after a bit of time has gone by, start to have regular talks about sex, relationships, etc... You don't have to shame her or indicate that you know what she's been looking at. But you can provide her with some positive discussion and guidance. My parents never did that.

 

This is great advice. I was going to talk with her today but I'll wait until maybe next week. This will give me time to gather my thoughts and what I want to convey.

 

I think my daughter is both curious and missing something. I honestly was surprised to see how normalized most in this forum and those that ive talked to in person about this they view this situation. Everyone says it's normal, kids go through this but it still doesn't sit right with me.

 

I've installed monitoring software so my plan is to keep monitoring her usage. She gets to keep the phone. I'm going to get her more involved in activities because I think boredom can make the mind wander. I think it'll all be ok as long as I stay on top of it.

[BaileyB]

You can use parental controls to limit what she can access, and to set how much screen time she is allowed. You can also openly monitor her activity, in which case she will know she can't engage in sexual stuff because she knows you're watching.

 

 

This is exactly what I would do, rather than take her phone. She should have some independence, but know that she is being monitored until she shows you that she is mature enough to use technology in a responsible way. She should also know that her phone is a privilege that will be lost if she does not follow the rules and use it safely.

 

I am very glad to hear that you will be talking to her counsellor, and starting family therapy soon. I wish you well.