After 13 years I realize I'm an unfit parent

[Giraffe-A]

I really want to say this is normal, which it is, but with the content in the Internet these days, you may be doing good by removing the phone. I wouldn’t tell her you can see what she is looking at because you may lose her trust. Maybe ask further about that role playing she was talking about. What’s that all about? It may be innocent afterall.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Taking away her phone now would be shaming her. The time to have a conversation about porn is past. Have it with her now (read some articles first), give her a chance. She's been through a lot with you, and shaming her right now is not what she needs, in my opinion.

[major_merrick]

This is great advice. I was going to talk with her today but I'll wait until maybe next week. This will give me time to gather my thoughts and what I want to convey.

 

I think my daughter is both curious and missing something. I honestly was surprised to see how normalized most in this forum and those that ive talked to in person about this they view this situation. Everyone says it's normal, kids go through this but it still doesn't sit right with me.

 

I've installed monitoring software so my plan is to keep monitoring her usage. She gets to keep the phone. I'm going to get her more involved in activities because I think boredom can make the mind wander. I think it'll all be ok as long as I stay on top of it.

 

 

Definitely keep teenagers busy. My husband says, "Idle hands do the devil's work." It certainly was true with my younger sister. She was bored, misbehaved in school, and finally became almost unmanageable. Her sex drive was incredibly high, and porn did not help. After discovering she was dealing drugs in spite of my best efforts, I almost went crazy. I finally enrolled her in all kinds of activities, including flight school at age 16.

 

It may be a bit uncomfortable to think about, but at 13/14 your daughter already has a sex drive. I had a lot of sex at that age. Perhaps she needs an outlet for it? I mean, I'm not sure I'd automatically go out and buy her a vibrator, but that's an avenue that could be looked into. Something to take the edge of it might be helpful. Whatever happens, being delicate and tactful is of high priority.

[chillii]

Oh God , know what your feeling.

We weren't gonna give my daughter full internet until she was 15. 16.

Ha , you'd think the school would;ve been behind that right, think again.

When she was 11 the brought in every kid from 7 up must have an Ipad and internet .

Then ex went and bought her an iphone.

Next minute 10yr olds were all getting called up at school for porn and sending nude pics of each other to everyone.

 

lt was bloody hopeless , we did try to keep track and check her stuff but they know their way round those things like the back of their hand and how to hide anything.

And the chat clubs, scary damn stuff l tell ya.

Thank God she's 17now and we've done all we could've.

[SolG]

The majority of people aren't shocked because sexual curiosity at that age isn't a new phenomenon. Desire starts at the onset of puberty; it's only natural that curiosity coincides. We're sexual beings after all. Heck, it wasn't that long ago in human history that 13 was considered on the cusp of being marriageable with all that that entails!

 

At 13 I was sneaking my Dad's Black Label Penthouse magazines to masturbate to, and a couple of years later discovered his porn on VHS. My brother had Playboy magazines back in the '60s. The difference now is ubiquitous online porn of all types in combination with easy access via smart mobile devices. Parents do need to have control and education mechanisms to address this.

 

I think you're doing okay OP. The software you've installed sounds fine - full transparency in real time and the ability to block sites is a good thing. As is your plan to talk to her about it all and keep her safe. Don't forget to include some porn literacy; porn sex isn't real sex and the two shouldn't be confused.

 

I actually think you should be honest with her about finding her search history and installing the monitoring software. It isn't punitive; you're not punishing her for her sexuality or curiosity, you're doing it out of love and concern for her safety in many dimensions. You're parenting by setting boundaries for her. She might not like it... but in the long run I think she'll appreciate and respect you for it.

 

IMO your job is to be open and ensure that her quest for sexual knowledge is managed safely and to limit her exposure to material and concepts progressively in line with her developmental (physical, mental and emotional) readiness. And to also concurrently encourage discourse around promoting a healthy and confident sexuality. Do you have a trusted female relative that could be an additional sounding board if there are topics she's initially too uncomfortable to discuss with you?

 

Oh and a hot tip for you. If you find her reading fanfic (fan fiction) online, check that out. Amongst that stuff is quite a bit of highly sexualised erotica. I learnt that when my daughter was 14 (she's now almost 26).

 

Good luck OP! Let us know how you go.

Edited December 25, 2018 by SolG

[chillii]

Starts much younger than that but the thing is now they can just go find it or it's passed on from friends or anyone at school, anything as young as they feel like it , it's all there.IMO stuff no preteens or early teens she be able to see yet , not to mention the things they can do with ipads or phones .

 

Stuff l'd come across at 14 or 15 back when was nothing, few nudes , big deal.

 

 

l know one thing l'm just glad my daughters 17 and l don't have to think about it anymore.

[ItsAllConfusing]

She is kind of iffy about going. I took her to find something nice to wear two times and she hardly looked around. She found 1 dress yesterday but it didn't work out.

 

She tells me that she doesn't think she wants to go because she's afraid that no one will clap for her and that she'd feel like crap like she always does. I feel so bad because I think I put this in her head. I told her my story of how no one clapped for me during my high school graduation and how bad I felt. I don't even know why I told her that story!!!

 

She's had a rough 2 years there. She doesn't have any close friends either. Her grades have dropped tremenduosly. She's however made connections with staff members. I planned to take her out shopping and to eat afterwards. My mother is supposed to attend too, so it will be a very small family gathering.

 

My heart aches for her. I wonder if she'll ever find her place to fit in.

 

I personally wouldn't mind if she missed it but I'm wondering if I should make or encourage her to go.

 

My boyfriend is no help. I told him how she didn't want to go and his response was it is how I raised her. Meaning I raised her away from people to feel insecure and that it's not normal for kids to not have any friends. I have regrets on how I raised my daughter. If I could reparent I would but I can't.

 

I asked mom for advice and she just says well what does she want to do? Does she want to go?

 

I spent 20 minutes crying in the restroom at work over this. I just want my daughter to come into her own and know her worth. It makes me so sad to see that she has no friends to celebrate with and that she is not excited to graduate. I feel like im poison to her maybe if I parented different this out come would be different.

 

Sorry for the pity party. I just want to know if I should encourage her to go?

[GorillaTheater]

Personally, I wouldn't make her go, but that's more reflective of my contempt for the very idea of an 8th grade graduation than it is of any of the issues in your case.

 

Middle school is tough for most kids, let alone the outcasts (like I probably was). I'd spare her this particular horror show.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Like GT, I'm not a fan of 8th-grade graduations and I'm glad my kids' school did not have one. However, if it's a big school, chances are they are going to instruct the audience to "save the applause until the end," so nobody will be clapped for.

[Mrin]

"Man, my middle school graduation was a pivotal moment in my life. I remember it so clearly," said no one ever.

 

Middle school sucks. Let her skip it.

[amaysngrace]

No I wouldn’t make her go. I let my own daughter skip her HS graduation and go to Firefly instead.

 

It’s not just the graduation, I’m sure kids will have a party or two to go to afterwards. Will she be included? If not definitely don’t subject her to that misery.

 

You say she’s friends with the staff? She’s probably just an old soul. Don’t beat yourself about how she is too much, Mom. Unless you’re taking credit for all the ways she shines too I don’t really see the point.

 

And for the record, your BF sounds like an ass. Blaming you and “the way she is” comment isn’t a sign of an awesome individual.

 

When she says she wants to skip it ask her what would she rather do instead, then go do that.

[Mrin]

OP: I feel compelled to write a bit more. But not about graduation. See my post above for that. Ha!

 

I'm a single father of two daughters. My youngest just completed middle school this year as well. I wanted to share my experiences with you. For my oldest, middle school was awful. No close friends. And what "friends" she did had turned mean. Really mean. Her anxiety was through the roof. Grades were in the tank. My youngest daughter struggled throughout middle school until her final year where she developed a core group of friends. Her grades never suffered - most likely because of the program I put in place when her older sister was in middle school (let me know if you want to know more about that - it worked like a charm). I remember the parents "social hour" after middle school graduation vividly. Here's what I learned:

 

1. Middle school sucked for every single kid. I remember talking to the "popular girl's" mom and she said it was awful - even for her daughter. Which surprised me.

 

2. Friends all of a sudden are the most important thing in the world to middle schoolers.

 

3. Middle schoolers as a whole are quite possibly the worst human beings in the world at making and keeping friends

 

4. Puberty is Hell. And gross. For everyone. Period.

 

But I just wanted to let you know that it gets better. And it will get better for your daughter too. As soon as my oldest became a freshman in High School she developed the social skills to make and keep friends. Her close group of friends grew from one, to two, to now over five. Boys and girls. She found her niche. Her confidence skyrocketed as did her happiness and grades. School now only sucks because it is school - something she has to do each day instead of sleeping until noon - lol! She's happy, well adjusted and enjoys life. She likes herself again and is becoming comfortable in her own body - all 5 foot 10 inches of it. Ha!

 

I'm not saying that next year will be the magical year for you daughter. But it does and will get better. I promise you. Just be her rock and try to keep as much of your own "story" out of her life. Do the best you can mom and let her do the rest. Talk to her, and more importantly, just listen to her. Don't try to fix. Don't judge. And don't try to smooth her pain over. Just listen.

 

Consider yourself hugged.

 

Mrin

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

I'm not saying that next year will be the magical year for you daughter. But it does and will get better. I promise you.

 

So true! Just an hour ago I was reading all of the notes written to my daughter in her yearbook. (She is a senior, graduating on Friday from a K-12 school and she's been there since K). I'd say 75% of them said something like, "I totally regret not getting to know you sooner." My daughter went from being described to me as a "scared baby bird" by one of her middle school teachers to being (female) "class clown" in the yearbook her senior year!

 

I have volunteered at my daughter's school and have to say that, shockingly, middle schoolers are my favorite age group. They are not terrible people lol....but they ARE all just trying to figure it out, too.

[GorillaTheater]

The main problem with middle schoolers is that they're at their least empathetic and most fragile of any life stage, which is a pretty lousy combo.

 

Thankfully, most of us survive and and go on to thrive.

[anika99]

Wear I'm from middle school is referred to as junior high school. Grades 7-9. Ugh! Worst years ever! Don't make your daughter go to graduation. Just celebrate with her by taking her out somewhere nice.

[Happy Lemming]

I didn't go to my High School Graduation. I didn't like my classmates and didn't want to spend one extra minute with them, that I didn't have to. I picked up my diploma the next day from the office.

 

If you are taking votes... I vote "No", don't force her to do this.

[The Outlaw]

If she doesn't want to go, don't make her go. Instead, you could have a small gathering of family/friends to celebrate her graduation. Commend her on how far she's gotten. That's better than nothing.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just want to know if I should encourage her to go?

 

Add another voice to the Greek chorus - it's her "graduation", right? Let her choose.

 

Those of you complaining about middle school ceremonies have missed the new wave of Kindergarten graduations. As a grandparent, I've already been to two of those. You just have to hope the cookies are good ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

I wouldn't force this either but WTH kind of adults were around when you were in school? Parents politely golf clap for everyone, especially kids. Fellow students also politely clapped for everyone for everything I ever graduated from.

[BettyDraper]

I didn't go to my 8th grade graduation because I didn't feel close to my classmates and middle school graduation was not an important milestone for me. My classmates and teachers were very upset with me but I didn't care. Like your daughter, I did not fit in with my peers so I didn't see the point in attending. I'm glad that my parents left the choice up to me.

[beatcuff]

too funny, so our youngest did all the rehearsals then asked if he could skip is HS graduation because he didn't want to spend 3 hours with kids he was seated with (had no issues with them, would have gone if he was with friends). after the last 3 --- we couldn't say fine fast enough. and at another students graduation party the next day those parents were asking where we were, upon hearing --- two said 'wish we could have skipped it as well'... at almost the same time our second oldest asked if he could skip his College graduation. even thou he is the first of that generation to do so, he didn't want to 'waste' 3+ hours in the sun. i had no issue, went to mine and still can't figure out why. so instead i took them somewhere they wanted to go --- we had a great time.

 

OP do not be hung up on the 'symbiotic' ceremony and instead celebrate how they want too, after all it is THEIR achievement. you will both be happier for it.

[major_merrick]

Where I grew up, there were no graduations other than high school. It was just "well, on to the next building." I hated my high school graduation and I wish I hadn't gone. Stupid. I wouldn't make the poor girl go. Graduations are a lot less about the students and a lot more about the parents. Don't put her through it, and figure out a way for her to be more social when she gets to high school.

[preraph]

Look, all that's in the audience is parents. So tell her that's the only people clapping anyway and that all the parents will clap. She's thinking about the kids. They're only a small portion of who's there.

[schlumpy]

IMy classmates and teachers were very upset with me but I didn't care.

 

It doesn't surprise me that they were upset with you. They had you ranked low on the social scale and then you devalued what they thought was important. I love how things like that work out.

[schlumpy]

 

She's had a rough 2 years there. She doesn't have any close friends either. Her grades have dropped tremenduosly. She's however made connections with staff members. I planned to take her out shopping and to eat afterwards. My mother is supposed to attend too, so it will be a very small family gathering.

 

My heart aches for her. I wonder if she'll ever find her place to fit in.

 

 

I think I would allow her to make her own choice about the graduation. It's a coin toss as to whether she will regret not going. I really don't see it as important.

 

As for your daughter I don't know a way to increase her popularity but how about her self confidence? If she could become good at some aspect of life then that might help her become successful in others.

 

For me it was music but what would it be for her? Would she keep up with paid lessons for piano, violin or dance? How about sending her for training on study habits so she can get her grades up? Is sports an option? Does she enjoy taking care of animals? How about horse back riding? There are many things in life she can become good at and earn the respect of her peers.

 

She needs something within her skill set that she can center herself around that she does as well as or better than the people around her.

 

Best wishes to you and your family.