CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 I think I would allow her to make her own choice about the graduation. It's a coin toss as to whether she will regret not going. I really don't see it as important. I definitely can't see any reasonably well-adjusted adult saying, "Man, I wish I'd gone to my 8th-grade graduation!" High school, maybe. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 It doesn't surprise me that they were upset with you. They had you ranked low on the social scale and then you devalued what they thought was important. I love how things like that work out. Think I missed what you were saying but sometimes I need more info to figure things out! Can't imagine Betty Draper was ranked low on the social scale with anyone ever! Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 OP, I used to work with groups of girls who were 8-13 or 14 years old. During this time all of the mothers of these girls would come to me at least once and explain what a rough time socially her daughter was having. These were beautiful girls from privileged backgrounds who had everything going for them and were a delight to work with. During this time one of my best friend's daughter was the same age but never had any social issues (rare!). Because of this I asked her mother why she was never left out and thrived socially during this time. Her mother told me that she had helped her daughter to pursue her interests and connect with all types of people, not just one social group. She derived her social life from the activity groups she was connected to. Although this girl was from a wealthy family some of her friends were poor. She also socialized with a racially diverse group which encompassed one of her interests. Her mom told me whenever one group of friends was leaving her out of things she could be part of another group. As it's inevitable for a girl, even this one, to feel left out of a group at some time or another. She had about six different social groups (derived from activities she was involved in) she participated in. Church, athletics were two of them. I don't know what the others were. This girl ended up being homecoming queen at her high school and is now a successful attorney receiving awards for her work in our city. She still does not gravitate toward the socially popular cliques in our city but chooses her friends based on who her activities (church, charity, etc.) bring her into contact with, rather than social position or wealth. I don't know if this will help you or not. But, does your daughter have any interests you can get her involved in? Preferably things that she would do well at? If she could get involved she would develop friends. If she just likes to stay at home and read possibly there is some type of group connected to the library she could become a part of. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 I just want to know if I should encourage her to go? who's running the show? you or her? make her go Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Yes so she can grow up and marry a man who won’t let her have a voice either and be conditioned to put others before her own level of comfort. Great idea 3 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Yes so she can grow up and marry a man who won’t let her have a voice either and be conditioned to put others before her own level of comfort. Great idea she is 14 for God's sake and doesn't know her head from her ass Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 she is 14 for God's sake and doesn't know her head from her ass Kids need to learn how to make choices and stand up for what they want. They start out deciding about things which won't have a negative impact either way - such as a yr 8 graduation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 People feel at all stages of their lives alpha. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 (edited) Kids need to learn how to make choices and stand up for what they want. They start out deciding about things which won't have a negative impact either way - such as a yr 8 graduation. Also, at 14 a child is just starting to figure out what they’re going to do with the rest of their lives, hence their freshman schedule. Most are hardly clueless at that age. Edited June 18, 2019 by amaysngrace 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Indeed grace. There are some really switched on teens out there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 "Man, my middle school graduation was a pivotal moment in my life. I remember it so clearly," said no one ever. Middle school sucks. Let her skip it. This made me laugh out loud. I have a doctorate degree and have gone to every graduation--but I would be completely fine if I had skipped them all. I think my 8th grade graduation made me cringe the most (I had to give a valedictorian speech and an anal teacher heavily edited it, so I felt like I came across like I had a stick up my ass). I've never really had family support so the cheers given were kind of drowned out by the distance of my attendees from the stage, so I totally get the lack of applause thing. The only real thing I cared about from the ceremonies were pictures that were taken--I'm sentimental in that regard. That's honestly the only reason I'm glad I went to any of them. Sooo, that being said, I would just let her decide and take her out somewhere fun. If you already have the gown and attire, maybe you can do a little photo shoot outside somewhere so you can have the memories of her graduation and be able to send out announcements without the stress and hassle. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Kids need to learn how to make choices and stand up for what they want. they also need to learn to do things that they don't want to do. which will happen millions of times in their life (maybe not a million but you know what I mean) Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Getting up and going to school every day is what you have to do. Going to your 8th grade graduation? Not so much... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Getting up and going to school every day is what you have to do. Going to your 8th grade graduation? Not so much... we didn't even have eighth grade "graduation' back in 1978 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 It’s a promotion, not a graduation so I don’t even know why it’s called that. I went to mine back in the day. Easy way to get new clothes and money presents. And cake! Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 they also need to learn to do things that they don't want to do. which will happen millions of times in their life (maybe not a million but you know what I mean) Yes we all have to do things we don't feel like doing sometimes but attending graduation ceremonies isn't one of them. We have to work, we have to pay our bills, we have to care for our loved ones. If we don't do those things there will be consequences. It's called being responsible but nobody has a responsibility to attend their stupid eighth grade graduation. There won't be any big consequence to not attending other than the huge sense of relief she will feel. Also at fourteen she is old enough to start making some of her own decisions. Parents who insist on total and complete control over their children's lives right up to adulthood raise children who can't think for themselves and who don't know how to set boundaries or assert themselves. I believe in letting teens make their own choices so long as what they are choosing isn't potentially harmful (physically or emotionally), illegal or immoral. Part of getting a kid ready for adulthood is teaching them to think for themselves. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 they also need to learn to do things that they don't want to do. which will happen millions of times in their life (maybe not a million but you know what I mean) An 8th grader should already be doing things they don't want to do. Homework, chores, certain subjects at school, being polite to elders who are disrespectful. But they shouldn't be made to do something which doesn't make a difference to the outcome of their life or anybody else's life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsAllConfusing Posted June 24, 2019 Author Share Posted June 24, 2019 I have a 14 year old child who doesn't seem to act her age emotionally, she acts really young but then other times she seems to act her age. She's very dependent on me to the point where I help her with things that I shouldn't be helping her with like getting dressed from head to toe, even putting on and tying her sneakers, toileting, sometimes bathing, picking up after her(she'll eat something and leave the remnants right where she was) . If she wants cereal and her bowl (yea, her bowl) is dirty she won't eat until I wash it and make the food for her. Shell literally starve until I wash dishes! She has pets and I'm the one to give them water/feed clean them most of the times. She's capable of doing all of these things. She doesn't have any impairment. I feel most of it is me doing these things and not having her do it on her own. With her starting high school this year I told her that I will be pushing her more to independence. I've been more firm and insistent in her doing things on her own and she thinks it's me being mean and pushing her away. It hurts me to do this but I feel it's right. An incident that bugs me is yesterday I purchased her some tea. She goes to prepare it with sugar and I let her do it alone. We're seated at the bus terminal to go home. I see her place the hot tea between her legs to put the sugar in, she does this fine. From there the hot tea ssomehow splashes on top of her hand which causes her to jump and further splashes up her hand.She then placed the tea on the ground. She has prepared tea at home many times before. I was going to jump up and help her but something stopped me. I said to myself she has to learn. I feel at her age that she should have a more organized way to do things like this instead of having me think for her. She constantly asks me to help her with things that she can do, that's not difficult. She was so upset. She said great parenting and that it was my fault that this happened and that I had no motherly instinct. This put me in a bad mood. I was already in a bad mood having just come off of 4 day vacation that I took her on and basically spoiled her. So I explained to her in an agitated tone that she needed to be able to do more things on her own, to look around and see how best to do things (prepare her tea) etc... In tears she sat by herself on the bus ride home. We got home, had a talk she told me she doesn't want to be alone, that I'm pushing her away. I told her I will always be there to guide her and that I'm not being mean that I'm just giving her a little push and that I love her etc... She's fine, she didn't get scolded or anything. I do most of these things for her because shes very slow. I'm now planning enough time so that she can do things on her own. I feel bad because she's still my baby but I don't want her having a difficult time navigating adulthood. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 It doesn't sound like you are being too harsh but you mention she's slow. Has she been tested for developmental disabilities? If yes & she's not challenged you have made things too easy on her & that is causing problems. Perhaps get a child psychologist involved or speak to the teachers at her school. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Are you sure she doesn’t have an impairment? Her development seems to be lagging behind. You can’t force her to do things she’s not able to, like tying her shoes at age 14 for instance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 You say she's not impaired, but you say she's slow. Have her evaluated. Otherwise, I think she does all this just to get more attention from you. It's ridiculous to still have to dress her. Apparently she's not to be depended on to take care of the animals. It's weird because my mom took care of the inside ones and I took care of the outside ones. Never understood why she didn't let me do them all. But maybe she wouldn't have known when we were out of food or something. Stop dressing her! It's normal for teens to be messy. Start one thing at a time after having her tested. First thing, she dresses herself. Before starting that, be sure to throw out or donate any item in the house you wouldn't want her wearing! If she dresses bad and goes to school, her peers will straighten her out in a hurry. Once she's doing that, tell her she either picks up after herself or no allowance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 I don't know about impairment. You say she can do things, she just prefers to involve you. It does sound like she is clinging to you a lot. Is there some insecurity in her background - an absent father or something? By getting you to do things that are necessary, like getting dressed, she is ensuring you are always nearby. I think you are right to let her do things even if she struggles a bit. It is hard to watch sometimes and you are probably used to leaping in to do things for her, but stepping back at such times will help her to learn even if it is painful to watch. How about giving her lots of encouragement and praise when she does achieve something? Turn it from a task she has been left alone with to a task which gets her praise. Hopefully, she will start to enjoy doing things for herself in the knowledge that she is doing well and that you are proud of her achievements. Maybe it would be best to tackle only a few things at a time so that she does not feel overwhelmed. Little steps towards independence. People mature at different ages. My sister's daughter was terribly clingy and miserable if her mother wasn't involved in everything. She would moan and groan about everything. She wanted her mother's attention but it is better that the attention is positive and encouraging than supporting helplessness. I know you are trying to work out how best to deal with this. It sounds like you have reached a point where you know she needs to be more independent. That is a great insight as it is all to easy to fall into helping children. After all, we do that from the start so it is often habit that keeps us 'waiting on them'. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 If she wants cereal and her bowl (yea, her bowl) is dirty she won't eat until I wash it and make the food for her. Shell literally starve until I wash dishes! I'd be really tempted to test this theory, betting that hunger would overcome her inertia. With all due respect, you say she's "slow", but it looks like she's quickly trained you to do even the simplest of tasks for her . Certainly an unhealthy sounding dynamic in which you both play a part. Do her teachers see her as similarly incapable? For instance, how does she "toilet" at school? How does she react with other family members? Family counseling would seem a natural recommendation to change some of these learned behaviors. As she moves from tween to teen, she needs better problem-solving skills... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 I'd be really tempted to test this theory, betting that hunger would overcome her inertia. With all due respect, you say she's "slow", but it looks like she's quickly trained you to do even the simplest of tasks for her . Family counseling would seem a natural recommendation to change some of these learned behaviors. As she moves from tween to teen, she needs better problem-solving skills... Exactly, our job as parents is to prepare our children to live independently in this world. This means, helping them to develop the problems solving skills and resiliency to deal with things that don’t go as they would plan... When I was 14 years old, I was cooking simple meals and baking, babysitting other people’s children, managing my own homework, doing my own laundry, getting myself to school, sports, and piano lessons, and I had a part time job teaching skating. No, I don’t think you are being “mean” to her. I think she is attempting to manipulate you to continue doing “for” her. It sounds like she is doing a pretty good job... I agree that family counselling or parent ping classes would be helpful here. You are not doing her any favors if you don’t prepare her to live in this world as a mature and responsible young woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 It's quite usual for teens to leave plates behind and neglect their pets. These are gripes of many parents. But it's not usual for them to be unable to care for themselves. You said that she depends on you for personal care. Does she actually know how to tie her laces and toilet herself? Can she choose her own clothes and dress herself? With the dirty bowl and going hungry....I don't suppose she gets a visceral reaction to the dirty bowl? It would explain her not being able to clean it. How are her social skills? Did she miss any milestones as a baby/toddler? And I'd also be interested to hear what her teachers say about her. On the positive side, this can all be addressed with the help of a child psychologist and occupational therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
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