BaileyB Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 That’s me - an OT. We get referrals like this all the time and we kick them back to the physician and suggest that they refer to adolescent mental health. It sounds to me like she needs a child psychologist/behavior specialist, especially given the difficulties you have previously shared about her mental health. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Hunger overcoming inertia isn't a great option if there are issues other than laziness at play. If she doesn't have the skills or has an undiagnosed issues, then she needs support to learn and implement those new skills. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 @Bailey Yes, I was wondering about her mental health in general. Child Psychology would be my starting point and then OT if it's found that she doesn't learn like other young people. Would that be fair? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Parenting also plays a HUGE role when there are issues such as these... Which is why I would suggest that you find a parenting class or a family counsellor OP. I appreciate you are doing the best you can, but if you find a counsellor for your daughter it will only address half the problem... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 @Bailey Yes, I was wondering about her mental health in general. Child Psychology would be my starting point and then OT if it's found that she doesn't learn like other young people. Would that be fair? Agreed. If my memory serves, this child has previously had some counselling... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Looking back at your history, you daughter has a team of allied health specialists. Do they know that she can't/won't do personal care? If so, what do they recommend? Also, what parenting strategies do they give you? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Looking back at your history, you daughter has a team of allied health specialists. Do they know that she can't/won't do personal care? If so, what do they recommend? Also, what parenting strategies do they give you? Can’t, or won’t? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 And that is the million dollar question. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 And that is the million dollar question. She's capable of doing all of these things. She doesn't have any impairment. I feel most of it is me doing these things and not having her do it on her own. She constantly asks me to help her with things that she can do, that's not difficult. My vote is - won’t. Which is why I think this lends itself to mental health/parenting. But, I could be wrong... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 I doubt that you are wrong. I was thrown at first because I see this in kids who have significant learning disabilities/ASD. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 I doubt that you are wrong. I was thrown at first because I see this in kids who have significant learning disabilities/ASD. Agree. Me too. But you made me think, I tend to work with kids with developmental disabilities. But, there are many OT’s who work in mental health - particularly in the anxiety disorders clinic which sadly, has an increasing number of referrals... This referral would definitely bounce to adolescent mental health though. It sounds to me that there is a challenging family dynamic here... I hope you get some good family counselling OP. I know you have talked about that in the past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsAllConfusing Posted June 25, 2019 Author Share Posted June 25, 2019 I'd be really tempted to test this theory, betting that hunger would overcome her inertia. With all due respect, you say she's "slow", but it looks like she's quickly trained you to do even the simplest of tasks for her . Certainly an unhealthy sounding dynamic in which you both play a part. Do her teachers see her as similarly incapable? For instance, how does she "toilet" at school? How does she react with other family members? Family counseling would seem a natural recommendation to change some of these learned behaviors. As she moves from tween to teen, she needs better problem-solving skills... Mr. Lucky Thank you, when I say slow I don't mean like mentally impaired I mean it takes her a very long time to do tasks. She gets distracted easily. She's very intelligent and capable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsAllConfusing Posted June 25, 2019 Author Share Posted June 25, 2019 Agree. Me too. But you made me think, I tend to work with kids with developmental disabilities. But, there are many OT’s who work in mental health - particularly in the anxiety disorders clinic which sadly, has an increasing number of referrals... This referral would definitely bounce to adolescent mental health though. It sounds to me that there is a challenging family dynamic here... I hope you get some good family counselling OP. I know you have talked about that in the past. Insurance wouldn't cover family therapy. I now have new insurance and I think they will cover it. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsAllConfusing Posted June 25, 2019 Author Share Posted June 25, 2019 [[/s]It's quite usual for teens to leave plates behind and neglect their pets. These are gripes of many parents. But it's not usual for them to be unable to care for themselves. You said that she depends on you for personal care. Does she actually know how to tie her laces and toilet herself? Can she choose her own clothes and dress herself? With the dirty bowl and going hungry....I don't suppose she gets a visceral reaction to the dirty bowl? It would explain her not being able to clean it. How are her social skills? Did she miss any milestones as a baby/toddler? And I'd also be interested to hear what her teachers say about her. On the positive side, this can all be addressed with the help of a child psychologist and occupational therapist. Yes, she can do all of these things and so I see the problem here is mainly me, (my parenting )as another user posted. I'm just so usesd to doinh everything for her because I want it done quickly and it's just habit. I have a natural urge to want to help. I guess I can't really be upset with her when its me who has raises her this wau. I guess I just thought she'd want to be more independent, that she'd naturally break out of wanting me to do everything for her. She thinks washing dishes is disgusting for some reason but she can do it. I do recognise my faults here and I'm continuing to let her do things on her own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsAllConfusing Posted June 25, 2019 Author Share Posted June 25, 2019 It doesn't sound like you are being too harsh but you mention she's slow. Has she been tested for developmental disabilities? If yes & she's not challenged you have made things too easy on her & that is causing problems. Perhaps get a child psychologist involved or speak to the teachers at her school. Thank you, Yes she's been tested and she doesn't have any developmental disabilities. When I say slow I jusy mean she takes a very long time to complete tasks because she gets distracted. Yes, I've made things too easy for her. After reading these comments I see what a major disservice I've done to her. It wasn't intentional and I hope it's not too late to fix. She sees a psychologist too. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 If there is no physical or mental impairment, then this is a situation you created OP. It sounds like your daughter has perfected the skill of manipulating you. My kids tied their own shoes from the age 6, bathed and dressed themselves completely independent of me from the age of 8 and learned how to various chores throughout the years so that by the time they were 14 they could prepare their own breakfast and lunch, do a load of laundry, run an errand for me, etc. I'm not sure what toileting even means but I sure wasn't doing that for my kids. I was a single working parent and would not have put up with that kind of behaviour from them for even 5 minutes. Ain't nobody got time for that. If they didn't eat because they were too stubborn to wash a bowl that would be their problem, not mine. Fine, go to school hungry and when you're stomach is growling by 10 am maybe you will learn to not be lazy. It's called natural consequences. No kid is literally going to starve themselves to death. The thing is that we are supposed to be teaching our kids to become independent from the time they become toddlers. Starting with very little things like picking up a toy and working up to bigger things with each passing year. You can't wait on your child's every need and want for years and then just expect them to suddenly do for themselves when they become a certain age. If you have spent all of these years serving your daughter then you have created this situation. I think you need to talk to your doctor about this and get your daughter evaluated. If everything is on track then you have to start cutting the apron strings and make her start doing things for herself. Heck, even if she has a learning disability or mental impairment that is still not a free pass to refuse to do anything for herself. I have a mom and teen daughter living in the suite below me. The daughter is 15 and is developmentally delayed. I'm not sure exactly what the problem is as her mom never told me, she just said that her daughter is at about the level of a 10yr old. Still she is very sweet and helpful and I see her assisting her mom with little things often and she takes care of herself for several hours every day while her mom is still at work. My youngest son had ADD and was still expected to learn independence. Helping your daughter with dressing, bathing and shoe tying is over the top. You aren't doing her any favors, you're holding her up. Start by seeing a doctor and then go from there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 Be fully aware OP, when you stop doing these things for your daughter and place new expectations on her - it’s going to get worse before it gets better. She has lived the past 14 years with few expectations, she not going to like the fact that she is now required to be responsible for herself and help to take care of the home. Which is why, you would be wise to consult a family therapist in the process. Rather than “imposing” new expectations on your daughter, include her in the process. Start small and have her decide what she would like to take responsibility to do. You may want to consider offering an allowance - quite simply, she needs to learn that there are things in this world that she has to do whether she likes it or not. Don’t reward her for everything - she is just expected to shower, put her dishes in the dishwasher, keep her room clean... But, as adults “work” to earn money... it’s not a bad idea for her to learn that she can earn something she wants, when she works. So, give her some money when she does other jobs around the house like cleaning the floor, mowing the grass, etc... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 She sees a psychologist too. Mention what you told us to the psychologist & work with that person to come up with a solution. I get lazy. On bad days even as a middle aged woman if I haven't run the dishwasher or done this dishes in the sink, I have skipped a meal rather than clean so I can eat. It was function of my depression. Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 I would be quite concerned about this whole situation if I were you. I remember attending a talk one time, it was a life coach, skills type thing, and one of the things I recall is the notion that a person's fundamental values and so on are formed between the ages 10 to 15, A person may mature and develop further after age 15, however the professional opinion of an expert in this field was that fundamental values are formed by age 15. Surely it is imperative that a 14 year old be showing strong signs of independence at this age, the current situation as you describe will likely lead to more serious problems for your daughter in a few years, will she be able to function independently as an adult, will she be able to hold her own socially, practically and intellectually in society, Is there a danger she could be taken advantage of by sinister men in a few years or indeed teenagers her own age right now. It is very important that your daughter would be learning to be streetwise now at her age. Anyway I think you should channel a lot of energy right now into promoting more independence in your daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 helping her with like getting dressed from head to toe, even putting on and tying her sneakers, toileting, sometimes bathing Something isn't right here and you should seek private therapy. I don't know ANY teen that wants their mom to bath them! All the other stuff is common to teens like not cleaning up their dirty dishes, being distracted, dragging their feet to do a chore, that's normal but needing help to bath? and putting their shoes on?? No, there is something at play here. If you don't want to still be bathing her at age of 25 better seek professional help now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 I cant help but think there has to be some kind of developmental delay that you may not have detected....I mean some people are so high functioning that you cant always tell I guess...but you being her mother its kind of hard to think you would miss something like that....doctors never said anything as she was growing up? or have you ever had her see a doctor outside of checkups with these concerns growing up? and if so I wonder what they said... Link to post Share on other sites
Silvia11 Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 I have a 14 year old child who doesn't seem to act her age emotionally, she acts really young but then other times she seems to act her age. She's very dependent on me to the point where I help her with things that I shouldn't be helping her with like getting dressed from head to toe, even putting on and tying her sneakers, toileting, sometimes bathing, picking up after her(she'll eat something and leave the remnants right where she was) . If she wants cereal and her bowl (yea, her bowl) is dirty she won't eat until I wash it and make the food for her. Shell literally starve until I wash dishes! She has pets and I'm the one to give them water/feed clean them most of the times. She's capable of doing all of these things. She doesn't have any impairment. I feel most of it is me doing these things and not having her do it on her own. With her starting high school this year I told her that I will be pushing her more to independence. I've been more firm and insistent in her doing things on her own and she thinks it's me being mean and pushing her away. It hurts me to do this but I feel it's right. An incident that bugs me is yesterday I purchased her some tea. She goes to prepare it with sugar and I let her do it alone. We're seated at the bus terminal to go home. I see her place the hot tea between her legs to put the sugar in, she does this fine. From there the hot tea ssomehow splashes on top of her hand which causes her to jump and further splashes up her hand.She then placed the tea on the ground. She has prepared tea at home many times before. I was going to jump up and help her but something stopped me. I said to myself she has to learn. I feel at her age that she should have a more organized way to do things like this instead of having me think for her. She constantly asks me to help her with things that she can do, that's not difficult. She was so upset. She said great parenting and that it was my fault that this happened and that I had no motherly instinct. This put me in a bad mood. I was already in a bad mood having just come off of 4 day vacation that I took her on and basically spoiled her. So I explained to her in an agitated tone that she needed to be able to do more things on her own, to look around and see how best to do things (prepare her tea) etc... In tears she sat by herself on the bus ride home. We got home, had a talk she told me she doesn't want to be alone, that I'm pushing her away. I told her I will always be there to guide her and that I'm not being mean that I'm just giving her a little push and that I love her etc... She's fine, she didn't get scolded or anything. I do most of these things for her because shes very slow. I'm now planning enough time so that she can do things on her own. I feel bad because she's still my baby but I don't want her having a difficult time navigating adulthood. I guess you should be more patiant to this things which she does wrong because she is only starting to be independent. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 She sees a psychologist too. Why? <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 I've seen kids be really dependent, can't even feed themselves. Then they go off to college, live in a dorm, and somehow survive, graduate, get a job, their own apartment. Before you know it, she's met a boy and she's making a perfect cup of tea. Kids can surprise you. You almost have to hide to observe what they're really capable of. They are different when they think you're not watching. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsAllConfusing Posted April 24, 2020 Author Share Posted April 24, 2020 My 15 year old daughter is both child like and mature. One side of her believes in fairies, leprechauns, possibly Santa and wants to dress up as an animal. She still wants to trick or treat. She's even showing interest in age regression. The other side of her is extremely insightful, opinionated intelligent , great at debating and assertive. I had a talk with her about the childlike side of her and she defended it well. I am worried that she spends too much in the stars and not thinking about her future. She doesn't really have friends either. I think I might have broken her spirit a bit and I'm just trying to think whether I will support this childlike side of her by buying her the dress up clothes etc... She knows that I'm not happy about this fantasy stuff and I feel bad that I'm not more open to it but I guess it's not for me to understand. I know that there is well adjusted adults who cosplay and I guess I should look on the bright side in that she's not drinking or drugging or committing crimes. She's not giving me any problems and is actually way ahead in school work. Tonight she asked me to order some animal dress up stuff so that she can sit around the house wearing it. It annoyed me because I don't understand the logic in it. She says she wont wear it outdoors for fear of what others might think. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
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