After 13 years I realize I'm an unfit parent

[Ellener]

On 4/24/2020 at 12:14 AM, ItsAllConfusing said:

She says she wont wear it outdoors for fear of what others might think. 

Sounds like she knows other people won't understand costumes or might make fun.

I don't see any harm in it, I would largely ignore it if it were my child, neither condemn or condone it. She'll grow out of it. 

If it's because she has no friends I'd wonder about that a bit, but with the pandemic situation or her age it's not easy for you to facilitate/encourage outings or sleepovers etc.

Maybe try online fantasy age appropriate games, at that age and a bit older my son did something called Minecraft where he talked to his team mates via a headset and they built a fantasy world.

What is she doing for school?

[basil67]

Please forgive me for raising previous posts, but given your daughter's other issues, it's important to look at it in context.  You've mentioned before that your daughter is being assisted by therapists for other (previous?) issues such as being unwilling to attend to self care (dressing, toileting etc).  Have you mentioned this current childlike behaviour to the therapist?  

How's she going with the self care stuff?  Is she making progress?

Edited April 25, 2020 by basil67

[BaileyB]

I agree. This is a discussion to have with her therapists.

[preraph]

No, don't entertain that stuff at all.  She is going too far wanting to dress as an animal.  And yes, therapy.  

Can I just ask if she had anything that could be considered traumatic a few years back that would have triggered arrested development?  Bad accident, divorce, any type of abuse or major change, death in the family.  Does she speak in a normal teen voice, or does she still talk like a little girl?  

 

Has she had a brain scan to be sure nothing is at work there? 

Edited April 25, 2020 by preraph

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 4/23/2020 at 10:14 PM, ItsAllConfusing said:

I know that there is well adjusted adults who cosplay

 

(we?) can't quite tell whether what you are describing fits everyone else's standard of the popular term "cosplay".

 

If it DOES... by any stretch...   then you are probably best to indulge her and NOT make waves about this...  especially since you report she has a mature and intelligent side.

 

I am NOT into cosplay at all, but a few years ago while near to a cosplay gathering, when merely LOOKING for someone in the crowd there, I saw SO much of it, and even though I didn't know ANY of the characters...  it was distinctly obvious  the genuine shared excitement when certain characters who belonged together would discover each other  near the various venues.

 

They would stop and take lots of photos, with just the right poses, and the (fact that they belonged together in those pictures) was obvious, even to an outsider like me.

{tone of explaining a joke to someone: }   imagine 3 neighbors who went to a costume party dressed as Jan, Marcia, and Cindy...   and who, while there, ran into 3 random strangers dressed as Peter, Greg, and Bobby...     and they all instantly knew they had to take photos with one another  to complete the set

THOSE people, if you put them in ordinary street clothes and out in a big city somewhere, would nearly all be functioning, normal young adults.

And it was very much OK that they were enjoying this other side  (well, except when I wanted to eat lunch at the nearby McDonald's and the place was PACKED)

 

The fifteen-year-olds in that crowd should be afforded a little more slack...  they don't have to be "adults" yet...   (by the laws which surround us)

 

IF YOU happened to be from some tiny town in Montana, and had never been somewhere and seen a cosplay convention, and with your daughter having few friends, then that could be a normal-seeming scenario where you are her parent and completely appalled  by her interests  (because it seems SO far from 'normal' ).

BUT... when I think of small-town life in 2020 compared to small-town life long ago... I imagine the internet being the big difference... and it is via the internet that even a small-town Montana girl could take interest in activities which are very much mainstream  even from a place which seems so far away.

We here can't completely tell just how extreme the behavior you are describing really is.

(and who knows, maybe you live smack dab in the middle of Chicago or Dallas... and still feel this way)

 

 

 

 

[spiderowl]

I don't know much about cosplay but some obviously find it interesting.  Given that tribes in the past dressed in animal fur and feathers as status symbols, maybe there is something instinctive about it to some.  To be honest, to me, it seems harmless but still a bit odd.

It sounds like your daughter has been struggling on some fronts.  You say she does not have any friends - is this because she is not very sociable and does not make connections herself or because she finds others do not have the same interests?  Or, some other reason maybe?  

People mature at different ages.  Many of us go through a 'lost' stage where we don't know who we are.  She is only 15 and that is a tumultuous time in terms of physical changes and the mental demands placed on young people.  It sounds like she is quite clearly saying she does not want to grow up at the moment.  I think maybe your daughter is going to be slower to mature emotionally and mentally than others.  Is she a July baby?  They often struggle to keep up with their peers, not necessarily intellectually but emotionally.

Personally, I would not indulge anything that seemed too unusual.  I think most people realise that if they want something above and beyond normal teenage life, they are going to have to work for it (i.e. get a job or something or do chores to earn the money).  There is a difference between caring for your child and supporting her to do things you are not comfortable with.  If you are not comfortable with it, maybe that is a warning sign to you to be careful about encouraging it.  I don't think you can stop your daughter from showing interest in wanting to dress as an animal but, like many others, that is something she can share with people online rather than in real life.  Most people's fantasies are not played out in real life.  When she is an adult and supporting herself, she will be able to go her own way.

It is difficult because people seem to think they have to support their children in everything these days.  I would be inclined to ask her why she wants to dress as an animal, what interests her about it.  Is it because she is drawn to that kind of club or lifestyle or is it more of a comfort thing for her or hiding from the real world?  I certainly do not think you should have to order anything for her or pay for it when you are not comfortable with it.  If she thinks you will indulge her every whim, firstly that is not real life for most people and, secondly, you could find yourself supporting a variety of weirdnesses when she might simply need more attention to her feelings and needs.

I agree with others that the therapist should be involved, if she is still seeing one.  I feel for you, it is very hard when your child wanders into areas you are not comfortable with.  I would say that you need to trust your gut instinct on this.

 

 

 

 

[ItsAllConfusing]

Ive just understood that I'm the reason for the way my 16 year old is. I know children are the reflection of  what their parents teach or do not teach but after a meeting with school counselors I was able to actually understand this.

I really thought that I was doing a good job with my child, really but now I see that I've raised a child with some emotional issues, with poor time management, low motivation, spoiled, no respect for me, no concept of saving money, little responsibility. I had her at 18 years old. Ive  always focused on how she could "be worse". She has good grades in school, doesn't hang out, doesn't do drugs, is sweet and kind but she is not structured. She has difficulty making friends. She doesn't look forward to her future. I've obviously stifled her growth. 

People see me as laid back and sweet like I have no backbone like I'm a pushover. It's pathetic I know to be in this position.

I didnt realize that people see us as friends not as mother and daughter although I thought I was being a mother. This is embarrassing that this is what people think of me. I feel like I have power but I obviously dont. I feel shame like when she misbehaves in school I know the school staff are shaking their heads at me. Its not my kid. It's me. I don't know how I could not see this. This is why I've committed not to have another child as much as I want to. 

She's already a junior in school and so I'm thinking the best way to help her have a successful life would be to have her live with someone else who's more structured and more able to parent. It pains me to say this. I dont feel I'm offering any value to her. I'm just so worried that she'll have a hard life because of how I raised her.

I had an eerie thought of just disappearing like if I removed myself from the equation, I've thought of this before but whats the point now right? She's almost an adult and I'm the closest thing she's got so that would cause more damage than good right? But I keep thinking if she got from beneath me and around others that she'd be better for it. 

 

Any suggestions,? I don't have any family or friends who I can let raise her for these last 2 years. Putting her into the system is no guarantee that she'll be placed with a good family . I can't even imagine doing that though. 

Edited October 6, 2021 by ItsAllConfusing

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, ItsAllConfusing said:

some emotional issues, with poor time management, low motivation, spoiled, no respect for me, no concept of saving money, little responsibility.

. She has good grades in school, doesn't hang out, doesn't do drugs, is sweet and kind but she is not structured. S

Sadly this is all about you. She's a good kid. Some of it is typical teenage stuff. She's not an adult.

If you're concerned, get into family therapy with her. Have you taken her to a physician for an evaluation? Or considered an adolescent psychologist? Not to have her march around like a perfect robot, but to give her a place to talk confidentially to a trusted professional.

[glows]

1 hour ago, ItsAllConfusing said:

Ive just understood that I'm the reason for the way my 16 year old is. I know children are the reflection of  what their parents teach or do not teach but after a meeting with school counselors I was able to actually understand this.

I really thought that I was doing a good job with my child, really but now I see that I've raised a child with some emotional issues, with poor time management, low motivation, spoiled, no respect for me, no concept of saving money, little responsibility. I had her at 18 years old. Ive  always focused on how she could "be worse". She has good grades in school, doesn't hang out, doesn't do drugs, is sweet and kind but she is not structured. She has difficulty making friends. She doesn't look forward to her future. I've obviously stifled her growth. 

People see me as laid back and sweet like I have no backbone like I'm a pushover. It's pathetic I know to be in this position.

I didnt realize that people see us as friends not as mother and daughter although I thought I was being a mother. This is embarrassing that this is what people think of me. I feel like I have power but I obviously dont. I feel shame like when she misbehaves in school I know the school staff are shaking their heads at me. Its not my kid. It's me. I don't know how I could not see this. This is why I've committed not to have another child as much as I want to. 

She's already a junior in school and so I'm thinking the best way to help her have a successful life would be to have her live with someone else who's more structured and more able to parent. It pains me to say this. I dont feel I'm offering any value to her. I'm just so worried that she'll have a hard life because of how I raised her.

I had an eerie thought of just disappearing like if I removed myself from the equation, I've thought of this before but whats the point now right? She's almost an adult and I'm the closest thing she's got so that would cause more damage than good right? But I keep thinking if she got from beneath me and around others that she'd be better for it. 

 

Any suggestions,? I don't have any family or friends who I can let raise her for these last 2 years. Putting her into the system is no guarantee that she'll be placed with a good family . I can't even imagine doing that though. 

This is too extreme. Have you seen a doctor about moods or depression? If at all possible, please don't send your daughter away. You mentioned "people" as in "people see [you] as laid back and sweet like [you] have no backbone..." or "people see us as friends not as mother and daughter...". Who are these "people"? I think your daughter needs you, more than ever, even now. Seek support from your local community, counselling for yourself and mingle with other single parents. You sound isolated and very depressed. 

[stillafool]

I agree not to leave or send your daughter away.  It is still your job to parent her whether you feel you are doing a good job or not.  I agree to seek family counseling and maybe talk to someone who can help you be more of the mother you want to be.  Your daughter loves you and needs you and only has 2-3 more years before she's off to college and gone (depending on where she goes to college).  She may decide to go to a school nearby and still live with you so don't abandon her.  I think you need counseling for yourself too.  Don't worry about what others are saying as I'm sure they've got problems at home too.

[vla1120]

Whoa! Don't throw the baby out with the bath water, here. Number one, you're experiencing some normal teenage angst with your daughter. That doesn't mean you've done a horrible job. Number two, the whole nature vs. nurture does play a role, but to a degree. I raised all three of my daughters with the same values (and I also tend to be laid-back without a heck of a lot of structure or organizational skills), and yet I have one who is anal retentive to the extreme, the middle child is highly organized, and my youngest flies by the seat of her pants (like me.) All of them are quite successful, however. 

You're daughter is still forming her personality. If you are concerned about how you are parenting and what affect it is having on her, seek therapy with her, but don't turn away from her when she needs you most!

[BaileyB]

On 10/6/2021 at 10:13 AM, ItsAllConfusing said:

She's already a junior in school and so I'm thinking the best way to help her have a successful life would be to have her live with someone else who's more structured and more able to parent.

You are her parent. She needs YOU.

The best thing you could do would be to put your big girl pants on and get the help that YOU need to learn to be a parent for your daughter.

You need to be in counselling. You need to take parenting classes. You need to read books on parenting a teen. 

She needs help too - teachers, guidance counsellor, therapist, etc… After you’ve had some individual counselling, you need to do some family counselling. Don’t be afraid to take whatever support is offered.

I’m sorry if this sounds tough but you created this mess, you need to fix it. Turning your child over to family or “the system” is again, the easy thing to do - it will cause even more harm. (not that I think sending your child away will be easy, but as it “easy” for you to give in to her all these years it is also “easy” to give up and expect someone else to fix this problem now). Your child needs you to step up and be her parent now more than ever - 

Edited October 8, 2021 by BaileyB

[ASG]

On 10/6/2021 at 4:13 PM, ItsAllConfusing said:

Ive just understood that I'm the reason for the way my 16 year old is. I know children are the reflection of  what their parents teach or do not teach but after a meeting with school counselors I was able to actually understand this.

I really thought that I was doing a good job with my child, really but now I see that I've raised a child with some emotional issues, with poor time management, low motivation, spoiled, no respect for me, no concept of saving money, little responsibility. I had her at 18 years old. Ive  always focused on how she could "be worse". She has good grades in school, doesn't hang out, doesn't do drugs, is sweet and kind but she is not structured. She has difficulty making friends. She doesn't look forward to her future. I've obviously stifled her growth. 

People see me as laid back and sweet like I have no backbone like I'm a pushover. It's pathetic I know to be in this position.

I didnt realize that people see us as friends not as mother and daughter although I thought I was being a mother. This is embarrassing that this is what people think of me. I feel like I have power but I obviously dont. I feel shame like when she misbehaves in school I know the school staff are shaking their heads at me. Its not my kid. It's me. I don't know how I could not see this. This is why I've committed not to have another child as much as I want to. 

She's already a junior in school and so I'm thinking the best way to help her have a successful life would be to have her live with someone else who's more structured and more able to parent. It pains me to say this. I dont feel I'm offering any value to her. I'm just so worried that she'll have a hard life because of how I raised her.

I had an eerie thought of just disappearing like if I removed myself from the equation, I've thought of this before but whats the point now right? She's almost an adult and I'm the closest thing she's got so that would cause more damage than good right? But I keep thinking if she got from beneath me and around others that she'd be better for it. 

 

Any suggestions,? I don't have any family or friends who I can let raise her for these last 2 years. Putting her into the system is no guarantee that she'll be placed with a good family . I can't even imagine doing that though. 

You know how your daughter would perceive that "sacrifice"?

She'd think you abandoned her because she's not good enough. That it is her fault. That she failed and because of that, you left. 

It would probably destroy her. 

I think you need to seek some therapy, because these kinds of thoughts are not normal. 

Parents make mistakes. It happens. If you think you're making mistakes, you don't give your child up. You change what you're doing!!! You try to improve on what you think you're doing wrong! 

Also, your daughter will not be "done raising" in 2 years. That's a misconception. She might be an adult, and she might be independent (though I doubt that will happen at 18), but she will always need her mother. 

[BaileyB]

57 minutes ago, ASG said:

You know how your daughter would perceive that "sacrifice"?

She'd think you abandoned her because she's not good enough. That it is her fault. That she failed and because of that, you left. 

You will be asking your daughter to solve the problem you created by your over-indulgence and unwillingness to set boundaries and parent your child. That’s not fair to her.

The decisions you make now will have a profound effect not only on your daughter and the likelihood that she will mature into a functioning adult, but also on your future relationship. 

While I believe that you are well intended, I fear that your conflict avoidant nature (in that, you haven’t set boundaries or placed age-appropriate expectations on your daughter) will also affect your decision now (in that, it’s easier to pass this responsibility to another person, or “the system,” or your daughter). 

[Noproblem]

if your girl thinks she is fat and ugly, then you need to work with her to make her lose weight and put make , new clothes, new styles to be more beautiful.

If she goes back to school again, she will feel fatter and uglier, she'll hate  herself more, the problem is she got treated badly from bullies

Going back to school will only make her worse, I would consider that you and her enroll in a gym and work out every day until she becomes fit 

as for beauty, she is 12, she'll get more beautiful once the acne clear up, she can put make up, highlight her hair, do her eyebrow, buy nice clothes..

 

she'll feel better about herself if she changes physically, but also she needs therapy!

[Noproblem]

I think her girl has a severe form of depression Or adhd or both

ADHD in girls is way more different than boys.

I just read that op do everything for her daughter, this is not normal, this is a mental problem.

She needs help, not always doctors diagnosis people correctly, get other people's opinion.

 

 

[basil67]

On 11/3/2021 at 12:42 PM, Noproblem said:

if your girl thinks she is fat and ugly, then you need to work with her to make her lose weight and put make , new clothes, new styles to be more beautiful.

I suspect you've never been a teenage girl    The fact that she thinks she's fat and ugly doesn't mean that she is.

It's very, very common for young girls with a very healthy weight to think they are fat and ugly.  Even back when I was a girl (before social media) it was a thing.  

[Agentra]

On 11/3/2021 at 3:42 AM, Noproblem said:

if your girl thinks she is fat and ugly, then you need to work with her to make her lose weight and put make , new clothes, new styles to be more beautiful.

Do that and it will only damage her more.. 

[stillafool]

Where did your daughter get the notion that she is ugly?

[Noproblem]

18 hours ago, basil67 said:

I suspect you've never been a teenage girl    The fact that she thinks she's fat and ugly doesn't mean that she is.

It's very, very common for young girls with a very healthy weight to think they are fat and ugly.  Even back when I was a girl (before social media) it was a thing.  

or maybe she is

and if she is, then she either accept it or change it. You don't tell your kid oh lose weight, you sign up to do activates together, change the whole diet of the house, so she can eat healthy and exercise with her mom...

but then after reading everything here, she has way more issues than looks and appearance, this girl doesn't brush her teeth or dress, he mom do that for her, we are dealing with a big problem. Major problem, her mom decided to give her kid away, that's a tragic problem.

 

She needs to take her to different doctors, so many doctors don't diagnose correctly, that's why you need to hear second and third opinions, the mom here needs way more help too. 

 

 

[Gagirl]

Put her in a new school.  Changing one’s environment works wonders.  I’ve done this several times with my children.  

[Veronica73]

I feel like some people really haven’t read many of the OP’s posts before giving advice. (Like GaGirl and Noproblem).