I think no man has ever been truly in love with me

[Roadrunner234]

I used to think I had a realistic take on "love" - not the Hollywood, sappy style of love, but more like the "that thing that mom and dad / grandma and grandpa have", that's the thing I've always been looking for. You know, "find you a man that looks at you like a child looks at chocolate cake. A man that wants everyone to know you're his woman, just because he's so proud of being with you. A man that will go out of his way happily. I've been there, but never had someone to reciprocate.

 

I've had my fair share of romances, some of them with men that were apples and oranges compared to one another. I've had relationships that lasted 4 months, 1 year, 3 years, etc... Yet, nobody was *in love* with me, I think. They started hopeful, but always veered into the emotionless, practical, comfortable and unappreciative. I've always had to sort of work to get little gestures from them, they never came from the heart. And as I see men who are head over heels some of the women I know, I can't help but think... what am I doing wrong?

 

Maybe I'm not pretty enough.

Maybe they get too comfortable from the get go.

Maybe I'm not enough trouble and thus, not worth fighting for.

Or maybe I'm just needy and I overreact, because I'm nearing 30.

I don't know, but it's kind of getting to me. I guess my human weakness is I want to feel special and adored by the man I'm devoting my time to, because if I'm with him, I'm ready to make him feel special and adored.

 

Ugh. I don't want to put my character and thoughts under a microscope. I just don't know why I'm not attracting the kind I'm looking for.

[PRW]

Ugh. I don't want to put my character and thoughts under a microscope.

Then you won't get a real answer. But you probably think love is an emotion when in reality it is a choice. Only choices last, emotions fade.

[Lotsgoingon]

Well sorry to hear of your struggles and sense of not being loved by anyone, even by people you have dated.

 

My quick response is to say you don't have to examine character ... though you probably want to examine your behavior. I'm not blaming you ... But I too would get in relationships that were unsatisfying. BTW: some of my unsatisfying relationships were with women who said they loved me ... my issue was I didn't feel the same.

 

So ... this is not really about how pretty you are either.

 

I would say google "boundaries." ... I'm betting that you need to improve at screening out disinterested or ambivalent people.

 

You're probably operating under the assumption that if you treat people nicely in a relationship, they will also treat you nicely. Or you're thinking you can coax someone to love you more.

 

Actually, you can't make someone love you ... But ... you want to screen for that early on. Avoid dating people who are less than thrilled to be with you. You can develop this skill.

 

Now there's another move that I'm going to guess you aren't making. It took me a long time to figure this out. You might be hiding yourself too much at the start ... in order to not be offensive, in order to not "scare away" guys.

 

Actually, you do want to show some of your real feelings and thoughts early on ... and again ... screen out or scare away the people who don't see the world like you see it. And then when you share more openly ... guys who actually LIKE your style and your thinking and your way of seeing the world can actually find you and notice you.

 

I don't know if this concerns character or not, but it does help to build up your own confidence ... in who you are right now ... without a guy in the picture. You want to identify and own your strengths ... and you want to know your weaknesses. My guess is that you probably can own your strengths more.

 

Anyway, just some quick thoughts. If any of this resonates with you, I can say more in a followup.

 

Overall my guess: you're probably working really hard in a relationship ... actually you don't want to work hard at the beginning. You want to find someone that doesn't require you to work hard to enjoy yourself.

[Zahara]

There was a time when I was in this train of thought -- several train wreck relationships including a divorce under my belt. I used to envy couples that seemed to have it all but realistically, it was not all that it seemed to be. I have married friends that post "happy" pics on FB but are truly miserable together. Last week I was having dinner with my boyfriend, and there was a couple next to us that couldn't get enough of each other. They soon left and later in the night we bumped into them in the parking lot screaming at each other. So don't get caught up with what you see and don't compare. It's not a true measuring stick.

 

I read your other thread. It's telling you something. Maybe it is that you are attracting these types because you're giving off an unhealthy vibe and/or maybe your picker is broken. Do you have a tendency of staying in situations that you know aren't healthy for you? It was my downfall when I was dating and it took several hard blows to finally take a stand and focus time and effort into changing my views, specifically the negative one I had about myself and I really had to start believing that I deserved better.

 

In my late 40s now and I'm finally in a mutually loving and kind relationship. I didn't think I would ever experience it but I do think that the years I invested being alone and establishing a relationship with myself enabled me, in this next phase of my life to make better choices.

 

I don't think your alone in your thoughts. Maybe it's time to examine your life.

Edited September 26, 2018 by Zahara

[Roadrunner234]

Well sorry to hear of your struggles and sense of not being loved by anyone, even by people you have dated.

 

My quick response is to say you don't have to examine character ... though you probably want to examine your behavior. I'm not blaming you ... But I too would get in relationships that were unsatisfying. BTW: some of my unsatisfying relationships were with women who said they loved me ... my issue was I didn't feel the same.

 

So ... this is not really about how pretty you are either.

 

I would say google "boundaries." ... I'm betting that you need to improve at screening out disinterested or ambivalent people.

You're probably operating under the assumption that if you treat people nicely in a relationship, they will also treat you nicely. Or you're thinking you can coax someone to love you more.

 

Actually, you can't make someone love you ... But ... you want to screen for that early on. Avoid dating people who are less than thrilled to be with you. You can develop this skill.

 

Now there's another move that I'm going to guess you aren't making. It took me a long time to figure this out. You might be hiding yourself too much at the start ... in order to not be offensive, in order to not "scare away" guys.

 

Actually, you do want to show some of your real feelings and thoughts early on ... and again ... screen out or scare away the people who don't see the world like you see it. And then when you share more openly ... guys who actually LIKE your style and your thinking and your way of seeing the world can actually find you and notice you.

 

I don't know if this concerns character or not, but it does help to build up your own confidence ... in who you are right now ... without a guy in the picture. You want to identify and own your strengths ... and you want to know your weaknesses. My guess is that you probably can own your strengths more.

 

Anyway, just some quick thoughts. If any of this resonates with you, I can say more in a followup.

 

Overall my guess: you're probably working really hard in a relationship ... actually you don't want to work hard at the beginning. You want to find someone that doesn't require you to work hard to enjoy yourself.

 

 

A lot of these resonates with me. I have always tried to not scare people off. I don't know how to set boundaries - in fact, I just posted another thread about it...

 

Please share more.

 

 

There was a time when I was in this train of thought -- several train wreck relationships including a divorce under my belt. I used to envy couples that seemed to have it all but realistically, it was not all that it seemed to be. I have married friends that post "happy" pics on FB but are truly miserable together. Last week I was having dinner with my boyfriend, and there was a couple next to us that couldn't get enough of each other. They soon left and later in the night we bumped into them in the parking lot screaming at each other. So don't get caught up with what you see and don't compare. It's not a true measuring stick.

 

I read your other thread. It's telling you something. Maybe it is that you are attracting these types because you're giving off an unhealthy vibe and/or maybe your picker is broken. Do you have a tendency of staying in situations that you know aren't healthy for you? It was my downfall when I was dating and it took several hard blows to finally take a stand and focus time and effort into changing my views, specifically the negative one I had about myself and I really had to start believing that I deserved better.

 

In my late 40s now and I'm finally in a mutually loving and kind relationship. I didn't think I would ever experience it but I do think that the years I invested being alone and establishing a relationship with myself enabled me, in this next phase of my life to make better choices.

 

I don't think your alone in your thoughts. Maybe it's time to examine your life.

 

Thank you. I seem to believe I can't trust what I think, because I am often oblivious about people's intentions and being scared to not miss something, I start getting paranoid and touchy about everything men say or do.

[Zahara]

Thank you. I seem to believe I can't trust what I think, because I am often oblivious about people's intentions and being scared to not miss something, I start getting paranoid and touchy about everything men say or do.

 

That's because you're insecure within yourself, hence you don't trust your own judgment. If you have boundaries and you are confident/secure, you'll have a stronger sense of self.

 

You get touchy and paranoid with men because you are hyper-vigilant due to being hurt in the past. You're emotionally/mentally fragile. So you're always on guard and cautious, watching for missteps. Waiting for the perceived threat. It's a defense mechanism and often times leads to self-sabotage.

 

I understand how you feel because I was once there. I did the same things you did and it came from a place of poor self-love.

Edited September 26, 2018 by Zahara

[coolheadal]

I used to think I had a realistic take on "love" - not the Hollywood, sappy style of love, but more like the "that thing that mom and dad / grandma and grandpa have", that's the thing I've always been looking for. You know, "find you a man that looks at you like a child looks at chocolate cake. A man that wants everyone to know you're his woman, just because he's so proud of being with you. A man that will go out of his way happily. I've been there, but never had someone to reciprocate.

 

I've had my fair share of romances, some of them with men that were apples and oranges compared to one another. I've had relationships that lasted 4 months, 1 year, 3 years, etc... Yet, nobody was *in love* with me, I think. They started hopeful, but always veered into the emotionless, practical, comfortable and unappreciative. I've always had to sort of work to get little gestures from them, they never came from the heart. And as I see men who are head over heels some of the women I know, I can't help but think... what am I doing wrong?

 

Maybe I'm not pretty enough.

Maybe they get too comfortable from the get go.

Maybe I'm not enough trouble and thus, not worth fighting for.

Or maybe I'm just needy and I overreact, because I'm nearing 30.

I don't know, but it's kind of getting to me. I guess my human weakness is I want to feel special and adored by the man I'm devoting my time to, because if I'm with him, I'm ready to make him feel special and adored.

 

Ugh. I don't want to put my character and thoughts under a microscope. I just don't know why I'm not attracting the kind I'm looking for.

 

Don't give up! You should always know that those that had love you (family) will always be there for you even if they're gone to the other side. I don't worry about things like this you have described because I know in life things that really matter is what I want out of life. When finding a someone to be with in my case a woman it's not easy to click, have chemistry with an etc. I've seen a lot been with a lot and found out might be better to be on your own but I will never give up hope! Got to have hope otherwise you loose. Who wants that you'll find the right man who wants to be with you.

[Lotsgoingon]

So the most direct step you can take is to get to therapy.

 

And choosing the right therapist can be your first major step towards practicing the skills you want to practice in meeting guys: you want to screen out therapists who don't inspire you to find the one who is right for you.

 

In other words, schedule a visit ... and plan on visiting three or four therapists ... or if you start with one therapist, give it three weeks. If in three weeks, you're not blown away by their insights and feeling hopeful about making change, then fire this therapist (just cancel) and go to another therapist.

 

This process I've just described above--making sure the therapist is right for YOU--makes you feel good, attends to you, gets you, seems to understand you, inspires you, makes YOU feel good ... that's so similar to the process you want to adopt for meeting guys. You need to pick a therapist with whom you have "chemistry." And this should be obvious within three meetings, sometimes in one meeting.

 

The stuff I'm sharing with you is stuff I learned from a master therapist, who was expensive (she didn't take insurance.) So when I was running out of money, she referred me to two less expensive therapists on her staff. I met with both of these women. I was in my mid-40s at the time. One referral was to really experienced therapist in her 40s ... about my age, perfectly pleasant. The other one was a young woman, maybe like an intern, just about to finish her masters degree, maybe in her mid 20s.

 

Surprise, surprise. Despite my intellectual sense that a younger person could help me, the younger referral was the one I had chemistry with. And I'm not talking flirtation. I'm talking, oh my, what she just said makes total sense. She gets what I need to do ... what I'm struggling to do. And I like the way she thinks. She's really clear. She gets me!

 

I was really broke, so turns out, I couldn't even afford the young one who didn't take insurance ... and I then went through three or four other therapists who took insurance before I found one that I loved.

 

With the right therapist, you can then start a process. You would be revising your thinking about your value and your worth ... and how to interact with people ... And ... at the same time, you'll go out into the world ... and date ... and meet people.

 

You will then report the results of meeting people back to the therapist and you'll discuss how you acted in particular encounters ... It's like having a coach almost ...

 

Most likely, you learned people pleasing as a survival strategy ... Most likely this started in your family of origin. It's easy for women to embrace this strategy as "good girls." ... Also, easy for guys to be people pleasers ... and people call these guys "nice guys."

 

The problem with people pleasing is that you end up editing and contorting yourself to fit around this other person, to not offend this other person. But people pleasing and hiding doesn't work ... and is exhausting ... and frustrating and unsatisfying ... Instead, you want to share your real thoughts ... and allow the people who would agree with you to notice you ... and agree with you and affirm you and be attracted to you.

 

Working on this issue of boundaries, people pleasing, saying no, losing the fear of being disliked ... is so freeing ... this work pays off in the workplace, with your career, with friends.

 

Hope that helps.

 

Can you afford a therapist? Do you have insurance that covers that?

 

If you can ... go ... and start immediately with a ruthless evaluation: pick someone who pleases you! As you are right now.

[Fair]

Thank you. I seem to believe I can't trust what I think, because I am often oblivious about people's intentions and being scared to not miss something, I start getting paranoid and touchy about everything men say or do.

 

I hear you. I feel the same way, like no man I've ever been with has ever particularly even wanted me. I'm in my 40's and am still wondering how it would feel to be wanted and loved.

[Chilli]

There's a saying in my business you don't make money at the end of the deal you make it when you choose the deal in the first place.

Choose the wrong deal you struggle to make money off it .

 

loves the same , so many people waste time with so so's , it's all over these forums ,years and years either on different so so's or trying to make one so so work, or just going out with one so so after another and another.

They choose the wrong deal to begin with, strangely most of them don't even seem to even look at the deal they just keep dating dating numbers numbers,

l can never understand it.

 

look for the right deal for you, it should all be there at the start everything should be showing and add up all the feelings should be right and be there in you and in him.

That's the only deal you choose, forget the rest.

 

l hope he comes along for you anyway, good luck.

[ElKay]

I've not been loved yet and I'm 27. I had someone in the family that got married as a virgin when she was 50 years old (not common maybe 20 years ago). They were in love and lived together until they died.

 

Sometimes love comes around later for some. All we can do is improve ourselves and keep our eyes open!

[basil67]

not the Hollywood, sappy style of love, but more like the You know, "find you a man that looks at you like a child looks at chocolate cake. A man that wants everyone to know you're his woman, just because he's so proud of being with you. A man that will go out of his way happily.

 

Hmmmm....I would actually classify this as sappy Hollywood love.

 

To me, love is looking forward to seeing them walk in the door after work. It's laughing at the silly things they say. It's making them a cup of tea when they are tired and knowing they'd do the same for you. It's knowing they will be there for you if you're feeling bad (but also knowing it's unfair to dump all your problems on them). It's having a disagreement over paint colours and not getting the sulks afterwards. It's compromise. It's watching a favourite TV show together. It's ordering the supreme pizza because the Mexican one gives them hiccups.

[Mysterio]

Love to me is caring about another persons well being, beyond the romance and lust of it all. Within the context of a couple.

[Rotn'roses]

I like to think of many examples that back up my idea of how love goes...starting with numero one: Jesus. He was full of zeal, compassionate, emotional to the point of sweating blood when feeling his impending death, and he groaned and cried for his dead friend, Lazarus. He looked on his women friends and empathized with widows who had lost their only son (back then that was a sure fire way to end up desolate since men did all the heavy lifting and working and business and did not have it any other way or cry about how hard it was-no offense btw, to anyone reading this!). And there are many other examples of his care for his disciples fright when he was walking on water, he fed the weary and weak, healed the lame, gave sight to the blind...his work (on a deeply emotional and empathetic and compassionate level) and the love he shared inspire my main drive in determining if another person I meet is capable of loving the way that I do, as I try to emulate a love like Christ's! There was certainly nothing boring in his passion for those around him. He was incised, overcome with human feelings at times (which show us that these are acceptable in others to certain degrees at appropriate times), and had a real spark for living and the life around him. I feel the same way--No spark, no passion, no feeling, no spontaneity, no warmth for life, no compassion-no chance with me! I also incorporate feminine softness and malleability into how I love and the traits that are unique to me, just as you are doing right. You should be you. It is more impossible to think that one person cannot find a match among billions. I pray that you find that special someone you are looking for...also--if you seem to be looking for a particular type of person, at least you have it narrowed down to what you want in a partner and can streamline your search and easily weed out those who do not tick the most important boxes for you. So that is good. You may not be doing much wrong, you are just looking for the right person...and good things take time...you may not want to rush such an important decision if you are looking for love. Just keep in mind that whoever you do meet is also looking for specific qualities so be sure to work on you in the meantime so that you are your best you. Good luck and God bless!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I had the same problem. It was mostly due to the fact that I was a people pleaser and holding back who I really am. People would tell me how I am difficult to get to know. But yeah, it hurt that nobody ever loved me. I even lived with a guy who talked about marriage and he just acted like I am an annoyance when I got sick, he never seemed to care if I am happy. And he was telling me "I love you" all the time. I could just tell by his actions that he didn't.

 

 

Finally in my late 30s, I met someone who fell in love with me within a couple of months of meeting. He actually cared and adored me. Unfortunately, it turned out he was an alcoholic, had a huge debt and a crazy ex wife. I had to end it and he fell into deep depression, gained a lot of weight etc. It's not even those things in particular, a woman can sense when she is being loved. With him, I felt comfortable being myself from the start.

 

 

 

I haven't been dating much since, it's actually been over 6 months since I deleted all my OLD profiles.

 

 

 

Just wanted to say that it will happen for you

[MidwestUSA]

 

Finally in my late 30s, I met someone who fell in love with me within a couple of months of meeting. He actually cared and adored me. Unfortunately, it turned out he was an alcoholic, had a huge debt and a crazy ex wife. I had to end it and he fell into deep depression, gained a lot of weight etc.

 

 

I do hope you're not blaming yourself for his choices.

 

And, it will happen for you too. I'm not going to throw the 'when you least expect it' cliche in there, but don't give up hope.