Calling happily married couples: what boundaries did you set?

[Roadrunner234]

Putting this in married thread, because I assume you've all got successful experience in dating. So... what boundaries did you set at the beginning of your relationship, when did you communicate them and how were they received by your partner?

[Mr. Lucky]

When I got married, "social media" was something you bought at a Hallmark store and waited for the postman to deliver.

 

But one thing we've evolved into is this - trust and transparency. We don't keep secrets from each other, nor do we hide phones, emails, texts or online activity. She has access to and free use of my accounts and devices, and me of hers.

 

Mr. Lucky

[central]

Putting this in married thread, because I assume you've all got successful experience in dating. So... what boundaries did you set at the beginning of your relationship, when did you communicate them and how were they received by your partner?

 

We discussed almost everything imaginable before we got married, and we lived together for years before marrying. We don't see a lot of advantages to marriage at all, but there are some, and one of those became the driver behind our choice to do so (we already loved each other, were committed, and expected to stay together the rest of our lives) - the need for health insurance.

 

Anyway, our boundaries are quite different than most. We don't expect monogamy, for example - we have a poly attitude. We do expect that we'll discuss and agree on any additional partners, though, and that has worked well. We agreed that sex was a priority for us both, and that if either of us was unable - or unwilling, for any reason - we could seek sex (and love) elsewhere, or split up if we couldn't work it out. We'd discuss it first, of course, because we are truly compatible and would hate to lose that. We both expect honesty and openness with each other. We expect each other to be responsible and ethical in all our dealings, from friendships to finances. We will always try to ensure that anything we do is not harmful to the other, and ideally, is of mutual benefit. We agreed to stay together as long as we love each other, with no other conditions. It still works that way, after 19 years.

Edited September 26, 2018 by central

[basil67]

We didn't discuss any boundaries in the beginning of the relationship - we just dealt with things as they came up. Go with the flow. We also were happy to talk about previous partners and experiences and we learned a lot about each other from that.

 

To be honest, I'd take a dim view if the conversation arose. It would make me think they are the type to spend a lot of time worrying about things which may never happen.

[5x5]

None... No wait!

 

When we started dating on finding out she occasionally smoked, I told her I didn't like that and she decided to stop smoking.

 

Aside from that, we didn't discuss such things or set boundaries for each other at all. Although we both had/have a presumption/expectation that cheating on each other with someone else sexually was unacceptable.

 

That said we did start living living together after a few months of dating, and did that for 2½ years till we got married. Although I did maintain a different address where I kept some of my stuff, sleeping there on only three occasions.

 

So we did get to know each other quite well before we got married, and had a good feel for each other and how we behaved in different situations.

 

That said we've both never had prescriptive rules as such for each other or anyone else, we tend to go with the flow and address whatever comes up as it comes up.

 

If either of us came at each other with a checklist of prescriptive boundaries, we would have let each other go early into our being together.

 

We're pretty easy going, so it's okay to have friends of the opposite sex, it's okay to do our own things, it's pretty much okay to do almost anything as we please.

 

It is even potentially okay for either of us to go off reservation for sex, as long as we tell each other and get consent from each other first. Although that conversation is a recent one, and no actions have been taken. Plus how we would do that if we do, hasn't been hashed out much to date either.

 

Pretty much the only boundary that we have is, sexual cheating is unacceptable.

 

I was also going to say sleep overs with opposite sex friends was also unacceptable. Yet I recall I have done that with one of my female friends (who I have been intimate with before I met my wife), when I was away on an Army training exercise, during the second year of our marriage.

 

Of which my wife was (and is) fine about that (she knows about our past), I didn't do anything untoward with her (not my style), we just caught up with each other, since we hadn't seen each other for a number of years. Later that year my wife and I then stayed at hers and met her then finance (now cool husband) and we also went to their wedding after that.

 

At the end of the day for us, through happily being together for 22+ years. We have always tended to be on the same page with things, have shared similar outlooks and have got on together.

 

With her I have found happy marriages come very easily.

[Roadrunner234]

None... No wait!

 

When we started dating on finding out she occasionally smoked, I told her I didn't like that and she decided to stop smoking.

 

Aside from that, we didn't discuss such things or set boundaries for each other at all. Although we both had/have a presumption/expectation that cheating on each other with someone else sexually was unacceptable.

 

That said we did start living living together after a few months of dating, and did that for 2½ years till we got married. Although I did maintain a different address where I kept some of my stuff, sleeping there on only three occasions.

 

So we did get to know each other quite well before we got married, and had a good feel for each other and how we behaved in different situations.

 

That said we've both never had prescriptive rules as such for each other or anyone else, we tend to go with the flow and address whatever comes up as it comes up.

 

If either of us came at each other with a checklist of prescriptive boundaries, we would have let each other go early into our being together.

 

We're pretty easy going, so it's okay to have friends of the opposite sex, it's okay to do our own things, it's pretty much okay to do almost anything as we please.

 

It is even potentially okay for either of us to go off reservation for sex, as long as we tell each other and get consent from each other first. Although that conversation is a recent one, and no actions have been taken. Plus how we would do that if we do, hasn't been hashed out much to date either.

 

Pretty much the only boundary that we have is, sexual cheating is unacceptable.

 

I was also going to say sleep overs with opposite sex friends was also unacceptable. Yet I recall I have done that with one of my female friends (who I have been intimate with before I met my wife), when I was away on an Army training exercise, during the second year of our marriage.

 

Of which my wife was (and is) fine about that (she knows about our past), I didn't do anything untoward with her (not my style), we just caught up with each other, since we hadn't seen each other for a number of years. Later that year my wife and I then stayed at hers and met her then finance (now cool husband) and we also went to their wedding after that.

 

At the end of the day for us, through happily being together for 22+ years. We have always tended to be on the same page with things, have shared similar outlooks and have got on together.

 

With her I have found happy marriages come very easily.

 

Reading this actually felt good. I haven't found a partner like yours but I am looking for one, as "listing boundaries" doesn't seem to come naturally to me and I feel I'm doing something wrong. Maybe say things as they come up. But reading your story makes me happy

[5x5]

Reading this actually felt good. I haven't found a partner like yours but I am looking for one, as "listing boundaries" doesn't seem to come naturally to me and I feel I'm doing something wrong. Maybe say things as they come up. But reading your story makes me happy

 

Well I hope you find a partner who works well with you. Who is hopefully not as rare as mine, since she is an INTJ.

[Just a Guy]

Hi 5x5, what exactly does INTJ stand for ? Sorry I'm not good with acronyms. As far as discussing boundaries is concerned we never did talk about any. I guess both of us came with in built boundaries and did not feel the need to give verbal expression to them. As you said cheating was non negotiable but for us that did not even enter our thinking at any time. We just knew that we were not going to go there. Quite frankly there is a difference of intellectual ability between me and my wife but while my IQ may be higher than hers her EQ is equally higher than mine. I guess that dovetails well into our relationship as we compensate for the other where required. In the time we have been together I have recognized which of her buttons I must not press because those will set her off. Similarly I think she has learnt where my pressure points are and avoids those. Compatibility wise I think we are really good with each other.

 

Boundaries have therefore never been a problem for us. As far as electronics and devices are concerned these are mostly shared so the question of having passwords and locking devices just does not arise. I think boundaries are needed for people who are either not secure in themselves or have trust issues. By the same token if one trusts the other implicitly and then something like cheating happens then that should be a deal breaker. No second chances. Hope this adds value to the discussion.

[DKT3]

We didn't set any. I lived by the golden rule of would I do this if my wife was watching. But we were very young and inexperienced, maybe even naive to think that these types of things shouldn't be communicated. Be young I had no idea what my boundaries were, but as she pushed mine, or me hers, we never communicated that with each other. Resentment builds and bad things start happening.

 

We got our wake up call. Not in the form of you cant do this or that but in a renewed and mutual respect.

[standtall]

Our golden rule was to accept each other as we are...flaws and all. Once that happened, we got along beautifully.

[Rockdad]

Absolutely every topic was discussed until there was an firm understanding of each others feeling and position.

 

 

Work since we do work together

My 3 sons / all aspects of raising them

 

Our Ex's, who was responsible for dealing with each one

 

Sexual needs / desires

 

Saying hurtful things purposely to each other / arguing

 

Respect for each others personal privacy and things

Money management and financial goals

Protecting each others heart

Honesty

Letting each other live life and breath without fear

 

 

I could go on but that just the short list off the top of my head. We both have kept our word not that things don't change as the years march on. It helped make life together so much fun and quite enjoyable. It saddens us when we see married couples miserable and missing out on what a good time it actually can be.

[pepperbird]

we've been married more than 21 years now,and to e honest, we didn't do much of the boundary setting before we got married,other than the usual "don't cheat".

 

 

For us, taking each event as it came has helped us to build up boundaries. We kind of learned as we went.

[BettyDraper]

The only boundary I had to set was refusing to play games.

My husband had commitment issues stemming from low self esteem.

We were in a break up/make up cycle until I finally told him not to call me again until he grew up. "I'm not doing this with you anymore. I don't have time for it." I started dating other men and I told him so when he called trying to get me back. I think seeing me move on made my husband competitive and fearful of losing me forever.

Edited October 10, 2018 by BettyDraper

[5x5]

Hi 5x5, what exactly does INTJ stand for ? Sorry I'm not good with acronyms.

 

Sorry I didn't respond earlier, I only just noticed that you asked.

 

It's an acronym that applies to the description of one of the Myers-Briggs personality types. My wife is an INTJ, which is supposed to be very rare as a type and more rare in women.

 

While I am an ENTJ as formally tested, which is also rare as well.

 

We are similar although she is more (I) introverted, while I am more (E) extroverted.

 

At the end of the day my wife and I get on well. Which works for us as it does for everyone else who gets on well together.

[lana-banana]

We never really had to talk about setting boundaries. We both have very developed selves and were able to talk out a lot of things that can be speedbumps in relationships early on.

 

Of course we have talked about things the other does that drive us nuts, or things that really upset us that we don't want to have happen again. When anything upsets me too much in life I tend to internalize it, ignoring and pretending it's all fine until something snaps and then I am sobbing. By contrast, my husband communicates absolutely everythinf, with unflinching honesty. It has been difficult learning how to adjust to and respect each other's form of communication but the key is to say it in a way that isn't about blame. "When you X, I felt Y" or "I feel X way because..."

 

It's important to stress that feelings can be irrational, but never invalid. It is fine to feel some way even if the other person thinks it's silly or wrong. You always have to respect the other person's feelings regardless of whether you agree. As soon as someone feels like they can't be fully honest about emotions with their partner, the relationship is doomed.

[Woggle]

Don't cheat on each other and if one of us does it is an automatic dealbreaker

 

I am who I and she is who she is and we know this going into the marriage so don't try and change each other

 

If one of us has an issue talk to the other like mature adults

[Just a Guy]

Hi 5x5, Thanks for your clarification. Warm Regards.

[d0nnivain]

We just celebrated our 10th anniversary but we married later in life. I don't think I ever had a "boundaries" conversation with anybody I dated but I always knew what my deal breakers are. I expect honesty & respect. I give that in return. With that you can solve almost any issue that comes up. You need a partner you can "fight" with, not in the knock down, drag out abusive sense but someone who can agree to disagree civilly & who doesn't hold a grudge, as well as someone who understands when you are in a bad mood, so doesn't poke the bear. All my adult SOs had stressful jobs as do I so if somebody is in a mood after work, you know it's the situation not you & give some space, offer comfort & delay any deep emotional conversations; you know when to put the couple time on the back burner for a few hours. Respecting somebody else's need for alone time is often important. Nobody can really do 24/7/365