How do I change how I feel ? Is there a way out ?

[MichaelHarch]

Sorry for the story on here but I think it's best for myself if I stick this here where I won't feel judged and no one knows me. Ok so here goes with my story, I love my wife a lot and I believe she is faithful to me, however before we started dating she was very promiscuous. I knew some of the story's and didn't really know what was real and what wasn't when we first started dating, after sometime she came clean and told me she had in fact had been FWB with one of my friends and had also been involved in a couple of threesomes with 2 of my friends. I felt sick at the time but also tried to put it in the back of my mind and forget it. As time went on I learnt more and more which I really tried not to find out. Then one night she tells me that she has in fact slept with a guy I absolutely hate. I wasn't happy and asked her to spill the lot no more drip feeding which she says she has done now. She hasn't slept with a lot of guys but the problems is I know about 7 of them well. They were actually in my group of friends plus the guy I hate. Long story short I married this lady and started a family with her, now I hate myself for it. I honestly have no idea what to do, I sometimes can't get the thought out of my head that she did these things :-(. I know a lot of people are going to say well it happened before you were together so it doesn't matter, well tell that to my logical brain because it still hurts. I honestly never care about the fact she has slept with other people I just hate the fact she has slept with people who were my friends and a guy I know and hate. Any advice from anyone ?

[MichaelHarch]

So I thought I would add a little more to the story, when I met my current wife she was living with this guy I had hated the whole way through school. After she confused to having slept with him I asked her if it was while they were living together and she said no. I'm not sure why you would move into a house with someone you had slept with if you had no feelings for even if you needed a place to stay ? I think she hasn't come fully clean ?

[kendahke]

Any advice from anyone ?

 

Not much you can do about her past now except either forgive her for it and get into individual and couple's therapy over it to deal with the aftermath of this discovery so two can move forward together or divorce her and move on with the kids.

 

Are you two fighting in front of the kids as a result of this information?

[kendahke]

So I thought I would add a little more to the story, when I met my current wife she was living with this guy I had hated the whole way through school.

 

See, this is why I would have left her alone from the get-go.

 

she had in fact had been FWB with one of my friends

also been involved in a couple of threesomes with 2 of my friends.

she tells me that she has in fact slept with a guy I absolutely hate.

the problems is I know about 7 of them well.

They were actually in my group of friends plus the guy I hate.

 

I dare say that what bothers you most is that they knew you first and had some kind of familiarity with you and even still, they had no problem keeping quiet about themselves and your now wife.

 

I'm not sure why you would move into a house with someone you had slept with if you had no feelings for even if you needed a place to stay ?

 

Because she needed a place to stay, no one else was offering and the clock was ticking? Was she supposed to live on the street or something? The survival drive is the strongest drive in the human--she was going to do what was necessary to not sleep on the street.

 

I think she hasn't come fully clean ?

 

Well, you know her better than we do, but if you're going in with sentence in the quotation box above this one here that you posted, don't. It's weak and not even a good argument to base your high dudgeon on.

Edited September 27, 2018 by kendahke

[MichaelHarch]

Not much you can do about her past now except either forgive her for it and get into individual and couple's therapy over it to deal with the aftermath of this discovery so two can move forward together or divorce her and move on with the kids.

 

Are you two fighting in front of the kids as a result of this information?

 

 

 

No we don't fight in front of the kids and I try not to fight with her at all, if I am honest I just do my best to ignore it. But some days I can't help but think she used to do this with that C&%t. I know it is my issue and not hers I just don't know how to move past it.

[d0nnivain]

It's a tough one. It may require marriage counseling to get you through this.

 

First realize that she chose you. Whatever she had with them was fleeting, temporary & meaningless. She took vows with you. You created children together.

 

Second, evaluate her behavior since you married. If she has been a true & faithful wife, remind yourself that is the Most Important thing, not how she was in her wild younger years.

 

Third, try to put it out of your mind, because it was the past. It can't be changed. You can be upset because it wasn't disclosed to you before marriage & now you feel like you would have made a different decision if you had known all the facts so you feel duped. However, you are married & you have kids. The kids deserve some consideration.

 

Fourth, never talk about it again (except in therapy & then not again after you are done). Work through it. Put it behind you & move on loving the partner she is now.

[aliveagain]

It sounds like most of your friends have slept with your wife at some point in the past. I think it would be easier to get rid of the friends then your wife and your family. I think it is time you made friends that are friends with both of you, friends with no sexual history to either of you. Why be around people that trigger you. Your relationship with your wife takes priority over friends. You can't hold her accountable for things that happened before you dated and married her. What kind of friend lets you marry someone without disclosing that kind of history to you? Not a close friend, just my opinion, get rid of the friends if you have to make a choice.

[BluesPower]

It sounds like most of your friends have slept with your wife at some point in the past. I think it would be easier to get rid of the friends then your wife and your family. I think it is time you made friends that are friends with both of you, friends with no sexual history to either of you. Why be around people that trigger you. Your relationship with your wife takes priority over friends. You can't hold her accountable for things that happened before you dated and married her. What kind of friend lets you marry someone without disclosing that kind of history to you? Not a close friend, just my opinion, get rid of the friends if you have to make a choice.

 

Get rid of the friends because guess what, they are not your friends.

 

Here is the deal, first, if she had slept with 100 guys you did not know, you probably would not care.

 

I think she should have told you BEFORE You married her.

 

And I think she knows that, you would not have married her.

 

The other problem is, does she see these "Friends" at social gatherings?

 

If that is still the case, lose the friends, yesterday.

 

And the last and most serious problem, is, are you the safe stable nice guy of the bunch and she just married you because you wanted to get married to her. That is the really problem.

 

But there is something wrong here and I bet if you posted more of your concerns here there may be more...

[smackie9]

I was going to say, walking away from your wife isn't the solution, but walking away from your friends is.

 

 

 

The thing is, these people are not your friends. They had plenty of opportunity to tell you they had threesomes or slammed her when you showed interest in dating her, when you were dating her, when you got engaged, when you planned the wedding, etc.

 

 

 

So take the blinders off, and take a good look at the real problem here. These guys don't give a flim-flam about you.