BluesPower Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 After everything that you have been through and your time spent here, you already know the answer. And, it is a family member, and no, the marriage will probably not survive. But you owe it to her to tell her the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 Oh, don't get me wrong. He is not being a great guy, good husband etc. I meant that this is how she has experienced him for a long time. I guess my main question, for those who have been there, is can there be any form of reconcilliation? Maybe with time and therapy, he will end it by his own choice and truly recommit to the marriage. It can't be that rare to keep contact or lie about the extent of the affair and still, most marriages survive. I don't know. I am not sure it is your business or your place to tell. You do not know what he is really thinking or feeling or what the future holds. I had a hell of a time letting go of my AP but my H and I worked it out. The people who got in the middle are no longer in our lives today. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 Just how much respect do you think she will have for you when she finds out you knew the affair was ongoing but didn't tell her? Friends always have each others back, do you still believe your her friend based on your actions? There is only one way through this and that path requires you being honest with her. You telling her isn't going to be the cause of her hurt, her husband having sex with another woman will. Do what is right, be a true friend, tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 I recently ended a long friendship because I felt betrayed that she hadn't told me something about a relationship I was in, I found out through someone else. She told me she didn't want to hurt me and for two years I tried to get past it, but I never could. Every little annoying thing she did grated on me and I finally realized it was because of the issue from a few years ago. I couldn't trust her anymore. Tell her, because she needs to know and because of your obligations to your relationship with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ABernie Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 Very difficult to do, but you can do it neutral. Tell her that you love her and you feel you need her to know what you have heard and that you want to help her figure out if it's truth or rumor. Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 Do you actually have concrete proof you can show her that he's still cheating??? Because if it's just going to be your word against his, be prepared for her to be more inclined to believe him and not you. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 I know you're right. I am not sure how to ho about it. I hate the thought of devestating her. Hmmm. I just read your comment in another thread and don't understand why you seem so willing to ignore your friend's duplicitous husband. Here's what you said in the other thread: ...You judge his wife very harshly, based on one sided information, that he's providing with a very specific goal in mind. Gently and respectfuly, you sound a bit childish when you say that you can't understand how she can treat such a wonderdul husband so badly. Reminder: more often than not, wonderful husbands have adoring wives. He sounds too good to be true, and he's probably putting on one hell of a show. He wants to set up a long term, comfortable affair,vwith an available woman, so that everything will suit his schedule perfectly. I hope you save yourself an almost certain disaster and cut him loose. That's good advice, imsosad. Why can't you give it to your friend?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author imsosad Posted October 1, 2018 Author Share Posted October 1, 2018 Hmmm. I just read your comment in another thread and don't understand why you seem so willing to ignore your friend's duplicitous husband. Here's what you said in the other thread: That's good advice, imsosad. Why can't you give it to your friend?? I am not ignoring the damage he's doing, naturally she deserves to know the truth. I'm afraid she will want to shoot the messenger. I kmow it's selfish to worry about that, and I know it's not my doing, but I'd feel like I was taking away her hope of a possible happy ending here. I plan on telling her. Maybe they can still recover. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 I'd feel like I was taking away her hope of a possible happy ending here. Surely you see what a loaded statement this is. If I have cancer and you're the one to tell me, are you taking away my happiness? You're actually giving me my only chance for success, I can't fight and win a battle I don't even know exists. Beyond that, I'll bet you'd be saving this woman's sanity. On some level, she knows something is wrong and is probably questioning everything from her own judgment to her value as a partner and person... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
IndigoNight Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 OP, you are worried that she will be upset with you if you tell her, but have you thought about how she will feel if she finds out you knew, but failed to mention it to her? What would you want her to do if the situation was reversed? Would you want her to tell you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author imsosad Posted October 1, 2018 Author Share Posted October 1, 2018 I told her. Kept it to the point, facts only, no interpretations. That was a few hours ago. It was a very upsetting conversation, obviously for her it was a million times worse. She got back to me to say that he'd been planning on leaving to be with his OW, but wanted to soften the blow an give her time to adjust. She said thank you for letting her know, she felt something was very off and thought maybe *she* wasn't committed enough to the recovery process . At least now she knows it's not her fault and that her intuition is working. Thank you all for helping me do the right thing. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 Wow, totally impressed! You did the right thing, hope any of my friends would have the courage and honesty you have just demonstrated! Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 I told her. Kept it to the point, facts only, no interpretations. That was a few hours ago. It was a very upsetting conversation, obviously for her it was a million times worse. She got back to me to say that he'd been planning on leaving to be with his OW, but wanted to soften the blow an give her time to adjust. She said thank you for letting her know, she felt something was very off and thought maybe *she* wasn't committed enough to the recovery process . At least now she knows it's not her fault and that her intuition is working. Thank you all for helping me do the right thing. Good for you... it was the right thing. And just as you suspected there was way more going on that you really thought. People going through false R can actually go crazy because they are killing their selves to move forward and they know something is up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 Thank you all for helping me do the right thing. It takes a village ... I remember my dad telling me the hardest choice in most situations was usually the right one to do... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 Hi Davy, so what was the story about your wife and the other man? Was it as you said that he was a colleague of her's or was it someone else? Was infidelity involved? I must say your friend was super. Those are the kind of friends one should keep around. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
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