4 year long affair... At a loss...

[Solenzara]

Hi,

 

I'm new here and decided to post my story somewhere as I would like other people to tell me about their experience..Sorry for the length of the message

 

4 years ago I was in a committed relationship in which I was unhappy for a lot of reasons and did not have the courage to end it because he was always very good to me. The sex was terrible and I thought I could live without it but discovered I couldn't.

 

A very good friend of mine told me he had he same problem with his girlfriend of 5 years and confessed he had been cheating on her for a long time already. He offered to enter into an A and I said yes. It was amazing: we already had great connection mentally and now the sex was also great. For many months (1.5 years on the whole) we went on like this, talking to each other all day long without our partners knowing. As time went by, it was more difficult for me to lie all the time and I started to call the A off, sometimes for several days, maximum for a month but always came back. At some point I decided to really stop it for several months. He tried to come back three times, telling me he loved me and missed me a lot, and I refused, but was quite hesitant... He decided to cut it off completely, warning me it was the last time he came to me. I was so furious at that moment that I did not take it seriously and dared him to try. He did not contact.

 

6 months later (I had bought a house with my boyfriend, I know it was a really stupid move) I started thinking about him again... A lot...

I contacted him and found out he was still with his girlfriend (7 years at this point) and that he had "replaced" me with a new mistress, 11 years younger than him and with the same first name as me. This made me go crazy! I insulted him, her, cried a lot and asked to see him. We did not even talk and went straight to bed when he came to see me. 2 days later he confessed having no feelings for me anymore and regretting sleeping with me without telling me first. I ended up having a major break down. I lost 30 pounds in a month, broke it off with my boyfriend, sold the house, moved away. I realised only at this point how much I really loved him. I sent him emails/messages telling him so but he said it was too late while continuing having sex with me at times until I went NC for 3 months.

 

He reached out to me and told me he had broken it off with his GF the same day as I broke it off with my BF and started a relationship with the younger girl a few months after. He offered to start having casual sex again, without feelings on his part and I was so bewildered he offered that, knowing how much I had suffered. I told him no, but gently, and we messaged on and off for 4 months. During the summer 2017, he was on a trip with a friend and we texted a lot (him starting it). We saw each other in September and had agreed to re discuss if we would start the A again but after meeting, he told me he prefered remaining faithful to his GF so I went NC. I contacted him last May, determined to have casual sex with him and so we have been seeing each other and messaging regularly since. It's been great, gaining momentum every time but of course it's different from before, which I have trouble processing and coping with. I feel that at any moment he could cut it off completely and leave me again.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I tried to forget him, go NC, date other guys (I went on about 20 dates during this last 1.5 years). I don't have the strength to cope with yet another heart-rending rejection if I tell him again about my feelings. And I don't trust him to tell me the truth about his either way. I sometimes feel like everything he's doing is punishing me for rejecting him 2 years ago...

 

I've been seeing a therapist ever since my break down but did not manage to move on. I don't think our relationship can no longer remain in this status quo but am at a loss as to what to do.

[Jane Deaux]

End it and move on.

 

Read everything you can about how to move past a breakup. I know it's an affair. But treat it like any breakup and move past it. Forget him. Yes, I know you have "tried" but I seriously doubt you were actually trying, more than you were hoping he'd come back around.

 

This time you just need to move on. You guys have been playing this game far too long. If he were going to come back to you and be with you in a real relationship he already would have. You guys have been no contact for extended periods of time and that didn't work. AND he ended a LONGTERM relationship for SOMEONE else. After you guys had been having an affair for over a year. He didn't end that relationship for you though did he?????

 

He is not in love with you and he is not punishing you. This is just what your mind wants to tell you while you hold out hope that he will come back.

 

 

You need to read about men who break up with women after several years of dating and not marrying them, and then get married to a new girl within a year. A little different than your situation, but same principle. He might have thought he was madly in love with you. But he would've left his first relationship for you. He left for another woman. Not you.

 

Move on. Read and watch as many books and videos as you can to get your strength to move on. Get motivated however you can. Get your life back.

[Crazelnut]

I'm sorry, but the truth is you're in love with someone who doesn't love you. You know what you need to do -- end it. You can't force him to love you. Stop settling for scraps and start valuing yourself. I wish you the best.

[Solenzara]

Thanks a lot for taking the time to read and answer my thread.

 

I should have specified he did ask me if I wanted to become his official GF during the 1.5 years that our relationship lasted when he was with his former GF. I was the one to refuse him constantly, telling what I still think is true : he is a cheater by nature and will always be that way, I would never be able to trust him and we would be miserable with my constantly nagging him.

 

He never accepted this argument, claiming everything would be different with me. I said that I would consider it if he accepted the fact that we could not have a traditional exclusive relationship (especially him, I could manage because I'm only attracted to him), which he refused categorically. I can't have lies in my relationship, it's not the infedility I would not accept but the lies. And here he is, cheating on yet another GF with me, lying to her at every turn, proving my point that he does not change and won't admit to it. And here I am, still only in love with him when I perfectly know of all his flaws

Edited September 30, 2018 by Solenzara

[elaine567]

To him you are not relationship material, you are OW, FWB/casual/NSA sex type of a girl, a girl who also cheated on her bf.

You can't change that unfortunately now.

 

There is no underlying love story here, he doesn't see you in that way.

You have to fully walk away, otherwise nothing will change and the torture for you will continue.

He gets sex, you want more from him.

He is in no mind to give you more, but he is happy with the sex you offer.

You give, he takes.

You love, he is loved...

Perfect.

... for him.

[Mizz Layta]

I agree that he doesn't see you as relationship material . If he really wanted a real relationship with you, he would have. I think the best thing is to move on as hard it is..unless you are okay with the status quo , which you're clearly not

 

 

Affairs are hard to end because there's always that what if curiosity. Even with my xmm , I've always wondered if we would be together if he relationship were to fall apart..It was strictly physical so even if he were to become single , it's unlikely that he would want a real relationship with me and I will always be the side girl

 

 

Similarly , I've had single unattached men who only wanted me for FWB/casual/NSA sex only but eventually found the girl they actually wanted to date

[Solenzara]

I'm not okay with status quo but I absolutely don't want to become his GF either. That's why I refused him many times. I thought this was clear in what I said before. I never asked him to leave his GF, on the contrary, since he's incapable of admitting that he can't be in a monogamous relationship. Let him have the illusion of safety and tradition he has with her.

 

I'm happy being the OW. What I'm not happy with is being the OW without the romantic aspect we had in our previous relationship. I thought that other women on that forum might have a fullfilling relationship being the OW and could tell me if they thought telling him how I feel about him might help getting back this aspect of the relationship.

[Mizz Layta]

I'm not okay with status quo but I absolutely don't want to become his GF either. That's why I refused him many times. I thought this was clear in what I said before. I never asked him to leave his GF, on the contrary, since he's incapable of admitting that he can't be in a monogamous relationship. Let him have the illusion of safety and tradition he has with her.

 

I'm happy being the OW. What I'm not happy with is being the OW without the romantic aspect we had in our previous relationship. I thought that other women on that forum might have a fullfilling relationship being the OW and could tell me if they thought telling him how I feel about him might help getting back this aspect of the relationship.

 

 

Well your post wasn't very clear on that and you keep contradicting yourself. Thing is , when you break up and go back to the affair when the circumstances haven't changed , it's never the same. My guess is he knows you're not going anywhere since your actions have showed him that you will always go back to him. So he is now taking you for granted and will never respect you. Either way , you're better off moving on and find a single available man who will be able to offer you a satisfying relationship. You could try talking to him but don't be surprised if nothing changes.He is attached and has no obligation to you regarding your happiness.

[elaine567]

I'm happy being the OW. What I'm not happy with is being the OW without the romantic aspect we had in our previous relationship.

 

My guess is that this relationship with his now gf is more intense than with his previous long term gf. She is his focus, you are just the OW, the "extra".

 

Or perhaps you were more naive then and thought he was more into you than he really was, he did end it after all.

Or once bitten twice shy, he wanted to make you his gf, you said no and you would still say no, due to his cheating nature, so why would he get emotionally involved and get all romantic with you?

 

Plenty OWs are in deeply romantic affairs with their attached men, but that is not your situation, is it? I guess he knows full well how much you love him, but he is not really interested. He also doesn't need to play the romantic lead with you as you come running anyway for, as you said "casual sex"...

 

IMO you are on a hiding to nothing here, bound to lose...

[Mizz Layta]

Also I'm not really sure what you're expecting from him but as the "other woman " You're not a priority .It's just casual sex right when it's convenient for him , nothing more .He has girlfriend to play the romantic lead

[Solenzara]

Thanks everyone for your answers. It is true that opinions are always more brutal on a forum where nobody knows you but it's good once in a while to have people tell you their opinion about facts, without knowing you.

 

What I expect from him as the OW is basically something close to what we had before. He said he loved us both with his GF and I never felt unloved or disrespected, despite the situation. That's ideally what I would like to have: him filling my emotional needs (which are not very deep because I'm a very independent woman).

 

You're right, things have changed since he's with his new GF, he seems to care more about this relationship than the one before, which he was ready to lose for me as he said. But even with this one, things are evolving. He did not want to cheat on her and now he does, even when he was almost caught, he came back to me 1.5 months after that, talking to me all the while. He's made efforts to talk to me more even when he's with her, things he had stopped doing before. I never ask what's going on between those two because it's none of my business and I don't want to know but I guess things are changing in a way...

My question then is more about : is it worth it expressing my needs or not? Is it going to frighten him completely and spook him away?

I'm also trying to date other men, to put the focus on something else than him. It's not always efficient but you never know...

[Mizz Layta]

Thanks everyone for your answers. It is true that opinions are always more brutal on a forum where nobody knows you but it's good once in a while to have people tell you their opinion about facts, without knowing you.

 

What I expect from him as the OW is basically something close to what we had before. He said he loved us both with his GF and I never felt unloved or disrespected, despite the situation. That's ideally what I would like to have: him filling my emotional needs (which are not very deep because I'm a very independent woman).

 

You're right, things have changed since he's with his new GF, he seems to care more about this relationship than the one before, which he was ready to lose for me as he said. But even with this one, things are evolving. He did not want to cheat on her and now he does, even when he was almost caught, he came back to me 1.5 months after that, talking to me all the while. He's made efforts to talk to me more even when he's with her, things he had stopped doing before. I never ask what's going on between those two because it's none of my business and I don't want to know but I guess things are changing in a way...

My question then is more about : is it worth it expressing my needs or not? Is it going to frighten him completely and spook him away?

I'm also trying to date other men, to put the focus on something else than him. It's not always efficient but you never know...

 

But you clearly have feelings for him or else why would you desire romance with him? If you are truly not into him then he would be content with the status quo

 

I personally will just move on to another man .The dynamic of your relationship changed and will likely never be the same again.As long as you are investing your emotions in him, you will not be emotionally available to have a relationship with someone else.Good luck

[S2B]

He's not punishing you.

 

You are punishing yourself!

 

You make a conscious decision to reach out/see him. That's ONLY on you.

 

He cheats. He will always cheat - why would you even want any man like that?

 

Get some better help with therapy. You can only blame yourself for the choices you keep making.

 

You need help - obviously that therapist isn't being frank enough with you. You should be capable of making strides to improve your future.

 

 

He will keep using you because you allow it. Stop allowing it.

 

You will never have a healthy relationship if you keep stooping to the lowest level.

[2much4]

You're waisting your time. Part of why people have affairs is to feel admired....you made it clear you dont believe he's ever gonna change. You don't want him to leave his gf. He has no reason to tell you he loves you. He had before, because he thought there was a possibility of you being together. He doesn't anymore.

 

If you want to be an OW there are plenty fish in the sea.