What caused my current situation?

[sprotz]

I have quite a story to tell, so if you have free time to pass, read on.

I am still pondering what key event caused the sequence of events that led to my current situation. Was it an act of God / fate? Was it my father's key decisions, or was it a combination of all these, including maybe my own decisions.

 

See, there are some fatal mistakes I made along the way that changed the course of history for me. Some of them I regret to this day, others I never regret because they were part of a larger problem that was beyond my control. To summarize, I exist with a set of principles that come with my character, and unfortunately, the conditions and sequence of events that befell me directly conflicted with my principles.

 

So now to explain what I'm talking about, and I'm not sure where to start, but let's say. It is in my character to have events play out my way. And one of my goals and wishes in life was that I always wanted to have a girlfriend, but a specific kind of girlfriend, at a specific kind of location. Unfortunately, fate, my father or both worked against me.

 

In other words, I grew up where I never belonged. As a consequence I was never able to fulfill one of my lifelong goals and wishes, which it to get a girlfriend in high school. So for most of my life I was effectively isolated from the kind of girls I liked. My father could have chosen to move to another country but he didn't want, so he chose the country I grew up in even if he didn't have to. But I can't blame him for wanting to live in his country.

My father, by the way is very successful and powerful in his country. He got his PHD and is now a professor as well as the vice chancellor in the biggest university in his country. He is a big man there. This would make it a priviledge to be his son but he divorced my mother, threw away his old family (me and my brothers) I assume he considered us his mistake and he quickly corrected his mistake by getting another woman and having some 3 more children with her. So now he rarely helps me or my family at all.

 

To summarize this next segment, perhaps one key factor to my situation is the act of Fate, or God if you prefer, which is, I wasn't born a normal child like the majority of other children. And I ask "why me of all the other children?" why did fate choose me? Is it pure coincidence? It contradicts my very principles and character. I was born mixed race.

In addition, I am quite stupid. There seems to be a law of nature that the first born is always the dumbest, and the last born is the smartest. And my 2 brothers are cleverer than me. So my youngest brother is the most intelligent. He is also the most successful now, with a degree and works in the biggest telecomms company in some country. Of the 3 brothers, I am the only one who failed high school badly, and repeated high school once. I will explain later on that.

 

Intelligence aside, besides the act of fate as to who I was born as, and as to my father's decisions, another intrinsic nature to me is that I am shy, unsocial, lack courtship skills or instincts, and I am not sure whether this was an act of god, or as a result of my childhood experience. I know that early childhood experience shapes your character but keeps your core traits and principles intact.

Growing up, I was often abused and beaten by my parents, especially my mother. This could have led to my shyness and solitary nature.

I also lacked courtship skills or skills in socializing with girls. I don't know if this was partly due to me growing up in isolation from girls until later, or simply my incompatibility with certain type of girls. But the presence of very few girls in high school affected my chances of getting a girlfriend.

 

So now to the mistakes I made during the sequence of events in my life. Although there was nothing I could do about who I was born as, and little I could do about my father's decisions, there was a slim chance of me fulfilling one of my lifelong goals and dreams. I could have got a university girlfriend. But I made a series of fatal mistakes along the way that effectively changed the course of history and dashed all my hopes.

The first mistake I think was when I was in high school. I will mention the most important key events otherwise this story would be very, very long.

Now you might be asking 'why didn't I do something earlier to attempt to grow up where I wanted or to try to slightly alter the course of events?' My answer to that is that I was young and naiive as a child to think about that, and secondly, I had no idea what I was getting myself into, until it was too late. So it was later in high school that I started "protesting".

By the way I remember one highschool Physics teacher warned us about sabotaging our educational future, saying it will cost us a decade, even more, and that he spoke from experience. I did not heed his advice and found out later, how right he was.

So now let's get to the mistakes.

My first mistake was deliberately missing exams in high school. That is, my frustration of not being able to get a girlfriend in high school made me vent my frustration into my education, so I missed exams and had to repeat High school. Another silly mistake I made was when I had a chance to do exams from Cambridge, a simpler examination board than my country's local examination board. However for some reason I missed that exam because I was still bitter over the girlfriend problem. So next I recovered from my grievance and decided I would do the next examination but then again the next decision to come along was to be my father's, and this decision was to radically change the course of events of my life, and It still baffles me what went wrong there and why I didn't insist or do enough.

 

There was an option to do the Cambridge exam again, but my father insisted I do the much harder Local exam. I told my father I wanted to do cambridge, but he said I couldn't do both because the timetables clash. Who said I wanted to do both. In the end I just relented and did the local exam. With this exam being very hard, I failed badly, then my father accused me of not revising and just sleeping around which wasn't true. I did everything to try and pass, but it seems my brain wasn't mature and clever enough at the time.

 

This failure led my father to send me to London to do a Diploma and finish it as an equivalent to high school. This meant no university for me for the time being. But time was running out because, according to my principles I had to get a girlfriend before I was a certain age. That time deadline lapsed and I considered it over. I was in sabotage mode, doing practically nothing. I almost never got my diploma, but I got it in the end. Pursuing of girls also came to a halt.

 

Setting the time deadline was one of my other mistakes that I still regret to this day. And as a result I made some more fatal mistakes along the way, including girls briefly coming into my life, only for me to ignore them since I was in sabotage mode. It's like God trying to console me by offering to bring a girl into my life. A great prize indeed, and I reject.

This happened a few times in my time in London, which other mistakes I made was to NOT grab the opportunities that were there in terms of career, University etc, because of sabotage mode.

Next came what remains the single biggest mistake of my life. A mistake so fatal that its impact still lingers today, and that mistake is, leaving London to go back to where I grew up, not grabbing the opportunities that were there.

This meant no going to the University I wanted. Instead from then on because of dad's excuse of having no money for the University I wanted to go to ( in Western Europe and North America), my parents instead sent me to 2 other universities else where. One in my mother's country, and the other somewhere in south east Asia.

During my time in one of those universities, it seemed like God again attempted to give me a 'prize' in form of a hot girl, which I did nothing to follow up. Another of these petty mistakes. Because I was in sabotage mode, I refused to study in both cases and completed only a year in each before ending up back home.

 

Since time was going, I was becoming mature in my middle ages, and my parents were ageing, then my parents began to take note and ask what problems I was having. Of course I couldn't tell them directly, althought hey wanted to help.

But I doubt anyone could help. Not if one could go back in time. This makes me wish there was a time machine so I could go back in time to correct the mistakes I made in the past.

Well, hope this article wan't too long for you.

Edited September 27, 2018 by sprotz

[FMW]

We can't do anything about the past. It's marginally useful to look back to understand how we got where we are, learn from any past missteps. But too much focus can lead you to placing blame or feeling like a victim and can block you from achieving goals and being happy and contented.

 

Learn to embrace who you are and find the best life for you - don't compare yourself to anyone else.

 

As far as women, stop looking at them as being gifts that you ignored. Maybe you don't mean it this way, but it almost sounds like you don't see women as living, breathing, independent beings but just props for your life. Relationships, whether romantic or otherwise, are connections between people that require interaction and care.

 

Your problem is not your past, but whatever actions or in-actions you are taking now.

[preraph]

Your mother abused you, and she was your role model for how to treat women and how women treat you. So unfortunately the only type women you know how to deal with are the ones who are abusing you, and you don't know what to do with normal women. This is not your fault. You didn't have a good role model to show you how to love and have a good relationship. Abuse will do that to you. Your father is no prize either.

 

I think you should go to therapy to try to become more self-aware of how your childhood which was not easy has affected you as an adult. Once you are fully aware of it it will not cure you, but it will be validation and perhaps you will be more confident in what you can and can't do and slowly change things. It's obvious your parents are still a major force in your life, but other than money they are not a positive force.

 

Despite your ups and downs in school and your self sabotaging, you have received a good education. The therapist can help you with why you are self-sabotaging. Some students do it simply because they are partying in college which would be me. Others do it for deeper reasons and I think that is you. You are self-sabotaging with women as well. If I were to take a shot in the dark, I would say that you do not feel worthy inside of being successful. Subconsciously you don't feel you deserve it. This is a product of your abuse.

 

I don't feel you are stupid at all. You articulate yourself perfectly. in fact when I first started reading your tale, I was struck by how much your narrative was in the style of the great writer, Edgar Allan Poe. You are overly critical of yourself because your parents were not very supportive and convinced you that you are not that great.

So you have some bugs to work out in therapy, but you have a good education and you have good communication skills, and once you shake the influence of your parents and become your own man, you will be fine.

[sprotz]

I prefer to use the word "girls" instead of "women", because a high school girlfriend is a teenage girl, and even a university girl. And I am still a big kid. Girls weren't really a problem. In fact girls in high school were very fond of me. I just didn't like those type of girls from that country.

[Chilli]

No hope l'm reading all that but a bit of a scan says it.

Thing is , do ya really think your so different ?

 

Most people apart from these all just so perfect types, have had dozens of circumstances and regrets and things that altered their course through life and cause any number of different or not where or whom l'm meant to be outcomes or whatever and for a million reasons.

 

Hate to break it to ya but that's life.

You control the future though and sometimes our past is a good how to lesson in salvaging what's left, best we can do .

Edited September 30, 2018 by Chilli