How to get over insecurity of having a bipolar mother

[dancingintherain12]

I'm dating around and my biggest fear is opening up to a guy about living with a mother / having a mother who is mentally ill/bipolar. I love her, but she is crazy and nuts. Always picking fights with random people, calling them, etc.

 

I live in a community (ethnicity wise) where everyone knows everything about each others families... and lots of families know about my mother and her illness.

 

I don't know how to get over the insecurity of dating a guy who comes from a "normal" family while my family is pretty much the opposite.. I have a good father, he is normal and my siblings are as well.

 

I just feel so scared a guy will not marry me due to my moms illness. Its not the normal type of bipolar with just mood swings. I think she has a bit of schizophernia too and imagines things. She calls people and yells at them, she starts fights at local places, etc.

 

It is a huge insecurity of mine. My ex came from a perfect family. Well i know no family is perfect, but his was pretty darn close. And I always was so insecure. But I opened up to him and he accepted it, even though he never met her.

 

My mom doesn't want me dating, she thinks I'm still 12 years old. My dad gets it and is ok with me dating, but I don't know how to explain this to the next guy I get into a relationship with..

 

Any advice?

[basil67]

Wow, this must have been tough for you to grow up with.

 

I agree that your mother could be a challenge for guys to be frequently around. With this in mind, I'd be suggesting that you look at moving out. I don't mean cutting your mother off, but create some physical and emotional space between the two of you. Make your life so that you're front and centre rather than your mother.

 

I'm not sure how old you are. If you're young, perhaps look at a share house.

[Dis]

It's really sad how people view mental illness. So much stigma, judgements, lack of compassion...and it's 2018. I wish we had progressed more as a society by now

 

Honestly, even good guys will a tiny bit surprised and maybe wary. But it would help if you could educate yourself on bipolar/schizophrenia so you can jump into the conversation (when you have it) and offer insight....such as, people with mental illnesses are people too. They're not crazy or nuts, they're sick. They struggle with the same challenges people with psychical illnesses do, such a missing work, not being able to do simple tasks etc. And people with mental illnesses require treatment just like someone with MS or Diabetes. I imagine you must have some resentment towards your mom and that's understandable, but if you can shift your point of view a little it might help when you do have that talk.

 

This must be a tough thing to address so I can understand why you're worried. But the right guy will listen, be understanding and won't judge. Just don't rush into telling a guy about this until you're established together and you can trust him.

 

Remember to take care of yourself too, having an untreated mentally ill parent can be very taxing

 

Best of luck

[d0nnivain]

On one level you will always be insecure about her due to the nature of the illness. You don't know who will show up today: good mom or crazy mom. That uncertainty would make anybody leery.

 

With respect to men you date, don't disclose about mom for a while . . . a few months at least. Gradually ease into it. Have a few general discussions about mental health in general. Take his temperature on it. If he seems accepting & understanding -- knows that BPD is just as much a disease as cancer or diabetes -- then take stock of how much you trust him. Is he worthy of such a disclosure? If he's not re-evaluate why you are even dating him. Once you have a solid foundation with him, again gradually disclose that your family has some . . . challenges. Everybody has skeletons & black sheep. A good person won't run out on you based on mom's behavior unless you allow her to hurt him with sticking up for him.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, delay disclosure ...

 

And be your solid self.

 

The main thing I as a guy would be worried about is if YOU had bipolar and were in denial of it.

 

That your mom has bipolar ... would be of less concern to me.

 

Any chance you're also insecure about living at home? ... That's a different issue ... and I could see why the two together ... bipolar mom ... and living with bipolar mom would create insecurity.

 

I would say the best thing you can do ... is make sure you take lots of breaks away from your mom ... get to therapy ... be as healthy as you can be ... so that mom does NOT take over your life.

 

Actually here we go: I would be more concerned that a potential date is too tied in with mom, doesn't have real emotional independence from mom ... more than just that she has a bipolar mom.

 

So make sure you live a full life outside of mom. You want to have lots you can talk about on a date ... without focusing on mom ...

 

p.s. I had/have a lot of mental illness and recently physical illness in my family.

Edited September 28, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[alphamale]

the fact that you are taking care of your mom speaks volumes about who you are

[carhill]

OP, how old are you?

 

Has your mother ever been professionally diagnosed? Are her mood swings rapid or slower? Rapid would be over minutes/hours, slower over days/weeks/months.

 

Is your dating partner aware of your mother's condition?

 

Do you live independently? I understand you're living with/caring for your mother but do you have your own place for respite? How about your boyfriend?

 

If you're young like teens/20's, and your mother has been professionally assessed with symptoms of a schizoid disease, I'd suggest getting an assessment yourself since it usually manifests when young.

 

I cared for a paraphrenic who had visual and auditory hallucinations and it did a number on my M, eventually leading to a D. Different situation from yours, likely much older, but it can be a drag on a relationship. Mental illness is a bugger.

 

How supportive are your sisters and father?

[smackie9]

Dancing I totally get it, my mom is bi-polar too but she was addicted to prescription pills and alcohol. It robbed me of my childhood. So I understand your fears. Take it one day at a time and keep the communication open and honest with your future BF. If he's the right guy, he will stick by your side, and take it in stride.