I lost 2 bestfriends so they could be together

September 27, 2018

This is a long complicated story and by no means was I innocent in it all.

5 weeks ago I realised I had feelings for my close male friend and I am married. Some people on other parts of the internet have said I didn’t have the right to have hose feeling because I am married. But I am human and we don’t chose these things.

5 weeks ago I gave his number to my best friend because at the time I thought of course I want two of my closest friends to be happy. I got jealous and that’s when I realised those feelings were there. I struggled to balance both relationships and I told them I didn’t want to know if they were together as it would hurt me.

During the last 5 weeks he and I constantly fought and manipulated each other, forgave each other and the cycle went on and on. I tried to shield my heart and say goodbye for good but I kept coming back. For that entire time I asked, pleaded and begged to meet in person so we could talk it all out and find a solution or move on. He let me hang on all that time until it all imploded and admitted he was trying to think of a way to end the friend ship for his own happiness.

My female best friend of 13 years wasn’t much better in all of this. She ignored me for the entirety and then was in town for a business trip and never made plans to see me. I confronted her about that and she said she was busy and had other people that were important she wanted to see. I said no one is that busy, you make time for the people you value. I am still scratching my head about that one because I know she would be hurt if I did the same to her. So she twisted it all around to justify it all I suppose. She also said she would always chose our friendship over a man but I guess that meant nothing.

Again, I was absolutely not an innocent in all of this. Some of the things I said were hurtful, I was selfish and my behaviour was erratic for parts of it. I think if I’d had that opportunity to have that conversation none of this would have happened. He admitted to that fact and apologised. It is too late now too much has been said.

They both keep saying it was never meant to be malicious or intentional but I just cannot see how that is possible. They both knew exactly what they were doing and never gave me the truth. I said tell me even if it hurts.

So everything imploded Tuesday night when I figured out they went on a date.

I said goodbye to both of them because they chose each other and left me in the dark.

P.s my marriage is okay we have weathered this storm together

P.p.s I do have a therapist and I’ll work through it.

September 27, 2018

I guess what I am asking from all of this is how do I move forward after losing 2 of the most important people in my life that I immensely cared and loved for. Therapy is next week but for now I’m off work at home trying to figure out what I should be doing ?

I dedicated all my time and energy prior to all of this mess to make them feel loved and worthy. I know to not right to invest all of that into just a few people and I should spread that energy evenly.

Edited September 27, 2018 by Jmh88
Typo

September 28, 2018

Sounds like you learned a lesson, not to set people up. I had a friend who was single but an extreme attention hound, and once in awhile she'd throw one of her guy friends or whatever they were (she would act like they were just friends but I'd find out later they weren't) at me, not sure why. Then later, she'd act mad about it or go to great lengths to get them back.

You can't be mad at those two because it might never have happened if you didn't start the ball rolling. It wasn't nice of you to start letting him know you had a thing for him after you did this -- or at all, since you're married. I just can't imagine what you were thinking. I mean, yes, we're human and fall for people, but we don't fall for them and then set them up with our best friend and then try to win them away from the best friend and then get mad at both of them. Why wouldn't your bf avoid you during this time? She doesn't feel she has anything to apologize for and doesn't want to deal with the drama. I'm sure she felt like I did -- that I'd been used as a tool to get a dialogue going with the man.

You've got to take responsibility for this and wish them well and not cut them off. It can't be that serious that you can't bear to be around them.

September 28, 2018

I know I shouldn’t have told him my feelings but he did say a lot of things to me to make me feel that way like “you are the perfect woman for me, I need someone exactly like you” he said that a lot it made me incredibly confused.

I have learnt a hard lesson in all of this and I am taking responsibility.

The damage is done in both of the relationships on both sides so I will let them have happiness and move forward as well.

The part that made it so complicated it I gave them both ample opportunity to say something and it would have never got to this implosion. Hindsight is a wonderful thing I suppose.

September 28, 2018

I will let them have happiness and move forward as well.

.

I'm not sure how you meant it but the arrogance in the above statement is astonishing to me. Your 2 single friends have just started dating, I'm sure they'll be eternally grateful for you magnanimous goodwishes.

If this new fledgling relationship brakes up and your man crush becomes available again what then? Do you once again forget you have a husband? About your husband did you tell him you wanted your male friend or just tell him a tale of how your two friends got together and forgot about you.

By the way, you are a grown woman, you may not have a choice about getting a crush but you shut as hell have a choice about the actions you take after that point!

September 28, 2018

He's at fault and so are you but it doesn't matter now. What's done is done.

Now we concentrate on the present.

For starters, understand that you and this guy friend can no longer have a true friendship because the feelings have made the friendship insincere. There will now be an alterior motive in every interaction you have which will lead to manipulation and ill feelings. It is currently toxic and you've already noticed this. This can change in the future but not right now while emotions/anxiety are running high. Do not continue to engage in a toxic friendship with a guy who has openly admitted to wanting you because you are married and you will hurt the man who has invested his life into building a future with you.

What you need to do is put distance between you and him and her and concentrate on your marriage. If you are catching feelings or another man while you are married, this is indicative that there are problems in your marriage that need to be addressed with the therapist and your husband. This will require time away from the problem source (Him and her), so that you can clear your head and see what's going on inside.

Therapy is a good move but it won't magically fix everything. It should be used as a supplemental tool to help you with your introspection as you work through things on your own. This will take time. Few months to several I'd say. I suggest for you to free-write your thoughts out in a diary or a notebook daily and see what comes out. You'll be surprised.

- Beach

Edited September 28, 2018 by Beachead

September 28, 2018

Actually, give this some time ...

Lots of friendships recover from MUCH WORSE than this ...

I mean, I gotta tell you ... the plot here is quite inventive. You sure you aren't doing some humor project for a sitcom class?

Here's the thing: you did not have the right to be mad at either of them.

Sounds strange to talk about "rights" here, but either he was single or not single. If he's single, he has the right to date--and to date anyone! PERIOD. Doesn't matter whether you told him you love him or whether you kissed his feet ... he has the right to date the person of his choice. (At the extreme--like dating your daughter who isn't of age or something--that's out of bounds. But anything other than that, is totally ethical on his part.) Otherwise he would be submitting to your emotional blackmail.

So he didn't betray you.

And I would say he has the right to date a friend of yours. Now, did your woman friend develop feelings for the male friend after you told her of your interest or before? If she developed feelings before, then she has no duty to pull away because you got jealous. That would be self-destructive on her part.

I think your feelings for him made the situation awkward ... But to use the term that courts use ... you didn't have "standing" to oppose your two friends getting together.

Now, let's say you left your husband and were divorced. THEN you would have been in position to be offended or to feel betrayed.

But just because you liked him ... he's supposed to not date your friend? And she was not supposed to date him?

I wonder if all this focus on these two is a way to avoid focusing on your own marriage and how to improve that, fix that ... or get out of that.

That's where you energy needs to be ... If you want to really take good care of yourself and give yourself a gift, deal with your marriage. Are you in counseling of any kind? Repairing the marriage or leaving it would bring you far more happiness than a fling with your male friend.

I'm sounding a bit dismissive, but I'm not ... I'm just saying you actually don't have the right to get mad at these two. They're supposed to be put their desires on hold for a married person ... a married person whose attraction is apparently not requited by the male friend? ... No way.

But ... you'll only get clearer on this whole situation with time. And you'll get clearer on this situation the more you deal with your own marriage. When you get clearer, you can approach these two.

Friends are enormously forgiving. What counts in the favor of forgiveness and moving on is that your friends can tap into lots of good memories and feelings for you. Those haven't disappeared.

Edited September 28, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

September 29, 2018

Was not meant to be taken as arrogance. I did tell both of them that they are most closest friends and I do want them to be happy. I meant that sincerely.

I told my husband every detail there was no tale. He knew the guy in question.

I made it clear I would never act on the feelings.

September 29, 2018

It’s not the fact they are dating. It’s the fact I kept asking what was going on and I got radio silence.

She did date him after the fact she knew my feelings. That doesn’t really matter though as I never planned on acting on the feelings.

It wasn’t about putting desires on hold it was about honesty.

The story does sound inventive, comical & bizarre I know that. I guess it’s hard to tell a story unless you know each individual personally and all the baggage they carry as well.

I will continue working on my marriage thank you for that advice.

September 29, 2018

It’s not the fact they are dating. It’s the fact I kept asking what was going on and I got radio silence.

I'm sorry you lost your friends. However, they weren't obliged to tell you what's going on and you have no right to expect them to tell you.

September 29, 2018

It’s not the fact they are dating. It’s the fact I kept asking what was going on and I got radio silence.

She did date him after the fact she knew my feelings. That doesn’t really matter though as I never planned on acting on the feelings.

It wasn’t about putting desires on hold it was about honesty.

The story does sound inventive, comical & bizarre I know that. I guess it’s hard to tell a story unless you know each individual personally and all the baggage they carry as well.

I will continue working on my marriage thank you for that advice.

Even if your anger is about honesty, they don't owe an explanation about the details of their relationship. They may be trying to figure it out themselves at the moment and are keeping it on the down-low to avoid complicating matters. You must respect that as a friend.

The problem is, it's hard for you to do that and see that because now you have feelings yourself and those feelings have corrupted your logic.

Take a step back and let your mind get away from this toxicity. The time and space will clear your mind and give you clarity about everything going on right now.

Best of luck

- Beach

Edited September 29, 2018 by Beachead

September 29, 2018

You are right. Thank you for your honesty.

I will give it time. I have sent her an email with an apology and said when some time passes we should have an honest conversation and either close the chapter or rebuild. I took your advice and told her it wasn’t my right to say or interfere with who she dates.

The feelings I thought I had for him are very much gone. I do feel very remorseful and I will learn some hard lessons from all of this.

September 29, 2018

You are right. Thank you for your honesty.

I will give it time. I have sent her an email with an apology and said when some time passes we should have an honest conversation and either close the chapter or rebuild. I took your advice and told her it wasn’t my right to say or interfere with who she dates.

The feelings I thought I had for him are very much gone. I do feel very remorseful and I will learn some hard lessons from all of this.

I think it's good to give it some time and hope things heal. However, wanting "an honest conversation" may make her want to avoid you further. When there's been a mess, it can be really nice to simply draw a line under that chapter and start again without digging it up all the past feelings.

Starting over again with a simple "I missed you" is so much nicer.

September 29, 2018

To build on the others here, "an honest conversation" is often what a boss says to an employee whose about to be fired or get a bad evaluation.

Lead with something much more positive as basil67 says.

Lead with how much you like the person you are meeting with.

And I agree with the others ... the secrecy among your friends ... not sure I think that's a betrayal on their part.

OK, here's an example of what you can lead with as you gradually repair thing. I had two wonderful friends. I so love you both ... and I just got lost in how much I like both of you ... and I didn't take responsibility for my own life.

And allow yourself to see things from their point of view. Imagine you've been introduced to a guy by a friend ... and all of a sudden that friend is asking very possessive/jealous questions about your interest in the guy. Was most likely very disorienting for both of your friends.

But you'll be able to laugh about this some day ... Good luck on the marriage. Definitely tweak that marriage if you can to get more of what you have been missing or give yourself permission to get more of it yourself (without having an affair).

October 3, 2018

hi jm....[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Look, I haven’t read all of the replies in depth but fromwhat I can make of it. If you are in a relationship with your husband now andit is good then just keep with that, let these people however good you thinkthey are, let them go. Im not sure they deserve your care and thought or worrynow, aren’t friends supposed to be there for each other!!! Well where are theynow!!!! I think that says a lot about them.[/sIZE][/FONT]