Counselling

[Chaffinch]

I’m going to a counsellor tomorrow to discuss my guilt and self loathing over having an affair for the past few months. My husband doesn’t know about the affair

Has anyone else been to counselling whilst in an affair and did it helpmyou come to a decision how to proceed

[NotCamelot]

First, kudos to you for going to counseling.

 

 

Second, no we did not see counseling when things were going on.

 

 

However, I am glad that you did. It is a great step to getting yourself into a good place again. I hope that it works for you.

[Chaffinch]

Thanks not Camelot I hope it will spur me on to action

I hope things are ok for you

[Betrayed&Stayed]

.. to discuss my guilt and self loathing over having an affair for the past few months.

 

To quote Dr Phil: "What's your payoff?"

 

Obviously you know that your affair is wrong and damaging. Your self-justifying it somehow. Why is that?

[Chaffinch]

That’s a really interesting point and something I need to think about

[Orokotikki]

My wife went to a few counselor's - she left out key details in talking with them (like he was a former abuser of hers and etc) - and they all basically said if you are going through with the affair you need to leave your husband for his sanity and her own.

[DKT3]

Why are you seeing someone? Is it because you want to quit or because you want to feel better about yourself while continuing?

[ABernie]

I might not be in the same place. I had an exit affair. It took meeting someone to know that my marriage needed to end. I had known for YEARS.

 

I was seeing IC at the time (still am and was before). She noted the transformation in me. Within a week of my PA, I asked for a divorce (STBX does not know). We have agreed to D and agreed to cohabitate and coparents for a finite amount of time for the kids. It has taken away most expectations as married partners and we are friends again.

 

I felt very little guilt, but probably because I was exiting and I knew D was imminent. But I am a different person (for the much better) than I was a month before the EA started. That is the positive I take away from this life experience.

[Chaffinch]

To be honest I do want to feel better about myself. I know I am doing a horrible thing to my husband and its tearing me up inside. I am a coward on both sides which is why I haven’t been able to resolve it. Hopefully talking to someone non judgemental and impartial helps me to feel able to take action. Thanks for responses all. I’ll let you know how it goes

[ABernie]

Do you want to end your marriage? I imagine those who do not, feel more guilt.

[carhill]

Do you want to end your marriage? I imagine those who do not, feel more guilt.

Since you apparently had some IC during your affair, how did it go for you?

 

OP, I'll offer a couple tips as a fMM who did go through counseling (MC) during the affair.

 

1. An IC will counsel you to any task you direct. All other matters are secondary, including your marriage. The primary focus of the counseling is you. Hence, if you want tools to 'take action' to preserve your marriage by making fundamental changes in yourself and your behavior, you'll need to be honest with the IC and give them clear direction as to what you want.

 

2. Counseling varies. Sometimes it's a good fit, sometimes not. Our MC was a clinical psychologist who specialized in infidelity and childhood abuse. IMO, if you're going to be working on brain processes and behaviors, seek out a clinical or other licensed psychologist. They have additional training. If things feel off, get a referral or politely end the session.

 

3. You have to want the counseling to work. I was very attached and often fought with the psychologist but in the end he helped me see how unhealthy versus healthy attachments work and how to process out unhealthy ones. Our M had become unhealthy for me too so I processed that out and we divorced.

 

4. Time. No rush. Yeah I know counseling is expensive. I spent some of my retirement on it. However, changing behaviors and processes in a human takes time. There's no quick fix. We spent about 14 months of weekly sessions. Some people perhaps can get there in less. I was stubborn.

 

5. The end. For myself, we filed for divorce, I ended association with the OW and in general have moved on from women entirely. Your result will be unique to you. Good luck with your counseling and feel free to ask any questions which result.

[Chica80]

Yes. I started MC at the end of my M. Ended my M. And continued in IC. Have still been in IC throughout the A.

 

It helped me get out of my M. It helped me deal with all of the issues surrounding that. It has helped me with some deep issues that had never been dealt with. It has helped me become a more secure healthier version of myself.

[Chaffinch]

Since you apparently had some IC during your affair, how did it go for you?

 

OP, I'll offer a couple tips as a fMM who did go through counseling (MC) during the affair.

 

1. An IC will counsel you to any task you direct. All other matters are secondary, including your marriage. The primary focus of the counseling is you. Hence, if you want tools to 'take action' to preserve your marriage by making fundamental changes in yourself and your behavior, you'll need to be honest with the IC and give them clear direction as to what you want.

 

2. Counseling varies. Sometimes it's a good fit, sometimes not. Our MC was a clinical psychologist who specialized in infidelity and childhood abuse. IMO, if you're going to be working on brain processes and behaviors, seek out a clinical or other licensed psychologist. They have additional training. If things feel off, get a referral or politely end the session.

 

3. You have to want the counseling to work. I was very attached and often fought with the psychologist but in the end he helped me see how unhealthy versus healthy attachments work and how to process out unhealthy ones. Our M had become unhealthy for me too so I processed that out and we divorced.

 

4. Time. No rush. Yeah I know counseling is expensive. I spent some of my retirement on it. However, changing behaviors and processes in a human takes time. There's no quick fix. We spent about 14 months of weekly sessions. Some people perhaps can get there in less. I was stubborn.

 

5. The end. For myself, we filed for divorce, I ended association with the OW and in general have moved on from women entirely. Your result will be unique to you. Good luck with your counseling and feel free to ask any questions which result.

 

This is a really good insight. Unfortunately I’m not sure how much time I have the situation I have put myself in is too stressful to be able to focus clearly on my own underlying issues. I want to go back to before this started and feel normal again

[carhill]

Task your counselor with that. They may ask you to clarify. Why are you time limited? Are you terminally ill? Your post to me seemed very vague and lacked specifics. Counselors like specifics.

[Sonnyp]

Yes I have started counselling during my affair. What I found is that the therapist was very focussed on reaching a decision and I ended up feeling like I had to reach a decision point. Ultimately I decided to take a break from counselling as I needed a time out and I just let things be. I may one day return to therapy either with the same therapist or another one.

 

I'm a MW in an affair with a MM and it has gone on for some time. He won't leave due to family and all the usual blah blah blah. And when I did the analysis myself I decided the only way I could reach a point of deciding if I would end the marriage I needed to be free of the OM. My therapist suggested I needed time away from both to address who I am and what I want. As I decided that was not going to be possible it led me to take a break from the therapy. I know, probably not the best outcome but with other things going on in life I just felt too much pressure on myself being in therapy.

 

What it did help me with was the following:

 

- I haven't left the M as I can't bring myself to as I still love my H so it was not going to be a matter of me sitting down and packing my bags and leaving

- my MM was the one I chose as he is things my H is not and that is why I feel the connection and keep going back. With both going on I feel like I have it all even though there are times of guilt and heartbreak that I can't live my life with MM too

- if my MM left his W I don't know that I still could cut the cord and leave and go and be with him. Trust issues, the true daylight of two D'a because of our actions and children and having to dismantle the history we have together and with our M's was very confronting and scary and I don't know that I'm up to the challenge

- it addressed issues within myself and set me out to explore why I am like I am in many aspects of my life, not just in the A

- I need to be happy as just me. My H can't make me happy, my MM can't make me happy. I need to trust that only I can make me happy. This piece alone was the most valuable thing I got from therapy. It has set me in a path of many things in how I approach life and spending time doing things for me to be happy

- in therapy we worked through if I could ever go on in the M and never declare the A and I decided yes that was a possibility aand the therapist was supportive of that in the situation I had described. She thought disclosing would definitely end my M so if I wanted to keep it then disclosure was not an option

- by talking with my H about what makes each of us happy it has also made him address what makes him happy too

- the therapist helped me to see that if I couldn't give to the M then the very likely outcome could be that my H would eventually get attention from elsewhere and start his own A. That I believe is the truth and has helped me put more effort into the relationship at home

 

 

In saying all these things I have learnt in the process I am still in the M and still in the A. I realise the potential impact of my behaviour though and what may come if it was ever discovered. That is something I accept but also makes me more viligent about the A and about the fact that at a point in time I will need to choose what to do with my life as the current state can not go on forever.

[Chaffinch]

It’s not working.