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Why some guys decide not to remain friends with an ex?

Dodgersfan11

By Dodgersfan11,
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Dodgersfan11

Dodgersfan11

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I was seeing this guy for a few months, nothing I would say long term, but I told him that I still want to keep in touch and talk as friends, no big deal, he told me that its not a good idea to be friends or anything else. I didn't argue with him, I just left it as that. Why can't we be friends at least? I mean he's got plenty of platonic female friends-is this because he didn't have sex with them or gone on dates with them, but has gone on dates with me and we had sex, so being friends would be weird? I don't get this whole, "can't be platonic friends" with someone you use to date.

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Happy Lemming

Happy Lemming

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Here is my theory...

 

When this gentleman sees you he wants to have sex with you, because he has in the past. He knows he can't, so he becomes angry and frustrated... Or He may be hurting from the breakup and seeing you brings the hurt back to the surface.

 

As for the other women, he hasn't had sex with them and is less likely to become hurt or frustrated.

 

Would you want a "Friends With Benefits" type of friendship with him??

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Dodgersfan11

Dodgersfan11

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I forgot to mention that he told me that he was seeing someone and that he doesn't want to talk as friends anymore. So, what? I mean, just because he's dating someone he can't talk to another female human being?

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Dodgersfan11

Dodgersfan11

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I just don't understand, why doesn't he want to remain friends with me, but its okay for him to have female platonic friends from college yet he can still be dating? I mean, why can't I be like his female friends from college that he likes to be around with?

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Dodgersfan11

Dodgersfan11

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Okay, but at this point, I would like to become a female friend like the ones that run in is clique. I want to transition from an "ex to a female friend" if that makes sense. And just because he is dating someone else right now is no excuse not to add another friend like me

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Happy Lemming

Happy Lemming

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I forgot to mention that he told me that he was seeing someone and that he doesn't want to talk as friends anymore. So, what? I mean, just because he's dating someone he can't talk to another female human being?

 

His new girlfriend may not want an ex around... You aren't just another female... You are an ex-girlfriend that he has had sex with.

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Logo

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I forgot to mention that he told me that he was seeing someone and that he doesn't want to talk as friends anymore. So, what? I mean, just because he's dating someone he can't talk to another female human being?

 

 

Why do you want to be his platonic friend so badly?

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basil67

basil67

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He probably hasn't been nearly as intimate (sexually and emotionally) with his other female friends. It's this intimacy which gives the need for people to draw a line under the relationship and move on.

 

Also, who broke up with who and why? This may also shed some light on his decision.

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BaileyB

BaileyB

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Why do you care? He doesn't owe you anything...

 

TFY

 

Exactly. He has simply decided that he doesn’t want to be friends. I’m sure there are people in your past who you have known but also decided, you don’t want to be friends. Life moves on.

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elaine567

elaine567

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Exes are not just simple "friends", they usually bring loads of complications with them.

Most people know that, so they tend to keep contact with exes to the minimum.

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Chilli

Chilli

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For a start , being female you should know for one, his gf won't like him being friends with someone he's been intimate with anyway,

 

But yeah , l'm the type that doesn't care about being friends either, l think it's awkward and stops ya moving on.

l wouldn't really want an ex around my new life.

parting on good terms is nice though but that's enough .

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nospam99

nospam99

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Just my opinion: there are (at least) three 'classes' of women in my life 1) the womAn I am or want to be ****ing now 2) the womEn I ****ed in the past but am no longer ****ing (I'm by nature sexually exclusive - hope the rest of the LS guys won't make me turn in my man-card) and 3) women I will not **** for various reasons. I can be platonic friends with class (3) because there is no sexual tension there. I CAN be platonic friends with class (2) if I'm the one who broke it off but it just hasn't happened because we don't see each other any more. I can't be platonic friends with class (2) if they broke it off - too much bitterness. Do other guys have similar feelings? Only the Shadow knows.

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ExpatInItaly

ExpatInItaly

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He doesn't want to be friends because he likely knows you still want him. (Right? Your post certainly suggests you do) He is doing what he needs to do to prioritize his relationship. As his ex, you are not a priority anymore.

 

You aren't going to "transition" into one of his platonic female friends. You two have an intimate history and you appear to have had some difficulty letting go. A friendship would be totally awkward now, for him and his new girlfriend.

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carhill

carhill

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I got the 'friends' speech in MC. My response after we D'd was if we were friends we'd still be married. Women like that emotional validation from a man, something they can control even if they don't want him sexually or for a relationship. I still see this with MW's. They're completely oblivious to the man himself meaning he's interchangeable with any other man. It's the validation. Of course they'll never admit that. Oh, baby, I love *you*. Compelling, but no sale.

 

OP, I see this in your writings, not saying it's bad or wrong, you want what you want. Life teaches us how to deal with not having what we want. MC taught me a lot about that and how to zero women out. Healthy moving on.

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elaine567

elaine567

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tee

A friendship would be totally awkward now, for him and his new girlfriend.

.. and for his established college clique.

You cannot just join a college clique, it is the college history that keeps them together, outsiders are NOT welcome, unless there is some other common bond

eg same course different university maybe...

Some guys/girls keep tribes of exes, but most don't, too much drama involved usually...

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Dodgersfan11

Dodgersfan11

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Well, I just don't understand, I've read posts on here that say people remained "friends" with their friends with benefits, but I can't still remain in contact with a guy I went out on a date and had relations with???

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BaileyB

BaileyB

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Well, I just don't understand, I've read posts on here that say people remained "friends" with their friends with benefits, but I can't still remain in contact with a guy I went out on a date and had relations with???

 

If you were dating a man, would you ok with his continued contact with a woman he dated and had relations with?

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ExpatInItaly

ExpatInItaly

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Well, I just don't understand, I've read posts on here that say people remained "friends" with their friends with benefits, but I can't still remain in contact with a guy I went out on a date and had relations with???

 

Because it's obvious you still want to be more than friends.

 

If we can sense it through a computer screen, he definitely senses it in real life. Respect his choice and don't try to force someone to be friends when they don't want to.

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basil67

basil67

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Well, I just don't understand, I've read posts on here that say people remained "friends" with their friends with benefits, but I can't still remain in contact with a guy I went out on a date and had relations with???

 

I haven't read posts about staying friends with FWB. Generally speaking, if you've slept with someone, they become part of your past when it's all over. The alternative is all too awkward.

 

Yes, there are exceptions to the rule, but don't expect it as a normal outcome.

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elaine567

elaine567

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Well, I just don't understand, I've read posts on here that say people remained "friends" with their friends with benefits, but I can't still remain in contact with a guy I went out on a date and had relations with???

 

It also depends on whether there is actually anything there to continue a friendship with. Some relationships are mostly about passion and lust, take that away and there may be little left.

No hobbies, no interests, no work, no friends in common makes for a difficult "friendship".

 

Some FWB were actually friends before the benefits, so once the benefits stop they go back to being just friends. Not that common though as usually one develops feelings and it is then difficult/impossible to be just friends. Awkward for the one with no feelings and torture for the one with the feelings...

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Whodatdog

Whodatdog

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Okay, but at this point, I would like to become a female friend like the ones that run in is clique. I want to transition from an "ex to a female friend" if that makes sense. And just because he is dating someone else right now is no excuse not to add another friend like me

 

He's told you he doesnt want to be a friend with you. He's done with you. You obviously still have feelings for him and want to hang around with him, he doesnt want to hang with you. Leave him be, or he may tell you in no uncertain terms that he wants nothing do to with you.

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loversquarrel

loversquarrel

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There is no point in staying in contact with someone from your past if you have had intimate relations and they are now committed to someone else. Why do you feel the need to want to have a connection with someone who will most likely ignore you?

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DrReplyInRhymes

DrReplyInRhymes

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I was seeing this guy for a few months, nothing I would say long term, but I told him that I still want to keep in touch and talk as friends, no big deal, he told me that its not a good idea to be friends or anything else. I didn't argue with him, I just left it as that. Why can't we be friends at least? I mean he's got plenty of platonic female friends-is this because he didn't have sex with them or gone on dates with them, but has gone on dates with me and we had sex, so being friends would be weird? I don't get this whole, "can't be platonic friends" with someone you use to date.

 

Most dudes are taught that being the friend-zone is not where you want to be,

Especially if you have any feelings for the woman whose friendzone is the fee,

For if you are interested in a woman with feelings, but she suggests just being friends as the solution,

Then not being able to move on from her would just hurt as emotional pollution.

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