Stuck.

[P.Bas]

About a year ago I entered into a purely physical relationship with a guy I had known for a while. I knew he had had gf but when we entered into a relationship he told me she was gone and had gone back to where she was from. We had only hooked up three times when he announced he was going to see her and from that point on ive had NC.

 

A year later it’s come to light that they were still together the whole time. I feel awful for the hurt I could cause her if she ever found out. I don’t believe it’s my place to tell (frankly I don’t know if they are still together) as I said I haven’t seen or spoke to him in over a year and I don’t want to tell her because of my own guilty conscience. I just feel really guilty. I should have asked more questions as to her whereabouts but my emotions and feelings for him got in the way. I realise now that this was completely selfish. I am slowly coming to terms with my guilt but can’t help fearing what may happen if she ever does find out.

[FMW]

Since you didn't realize they were still together you probably are not in a close enough social group with either of them for the girlfriend to ever find out, and (1) it's been a year and (2) you don't know their current status, and very possibly they aren't even together anymore, I wouldn't make any attempt to contact her and tell her.

 

Just learn from the experience and in the future ask more questions and get to know someone better before getting sexually involved with them to avoid a similar situation.

 

As far as fearing what may happen if she finds out (again it seems unlikely that will happen), if that happens you just tell her what you told us - you didn't know they were still together.

[Mardelis]

if that happens you just tell her what you told us - you didn't know they were still together.

 

 

I took her post to mean that when they first met and got physical she was aware he had a girlfriend so she was knowingly the other woman. She said she didn't enter a relationship until she thought he was single but he was lying to her, as cheaters tend to do from time to time.

[smackie9]

You did this unknowingly...he's a liar and a cheat, this is on him. You were a victim as much as she was. It was over a year ago, she's not going to be confronting you, he is the one that will feel her wrath. And if he is a creature of habit, he's still cheating on her....unless she finally busted him, ....which we all hope she kicked him to the curb by now.

[P.Bas]

I know I didn’t know but I can’t shake this feeling of guilt and fear. I’m just constantly worrying about it right now. I don’t feel like I deserve to enjoy myself or be happy because of what’s happened.

[Zapbasket]

I understand your guilt but what you did not know, is not your fault.

 

Where you do merit some blame is entering into a fling with someone whose girlfriend still was in the picture. Someone who wants to cheat will say anything to get laid: "My gf and I are going to break up soon"; "My gf and I have a sexless relationship"; etc. Basically, it's shady news any time a girlfriend is admitted to be even peripherally in the picture. As soon as you hear a gf is not long gone, best to keep it platonic or outright stay away, otherwise you can end up in a mess.

[P.Bas]

I understand your guilt but what you did not know, is not your fault.

 

Where you do merit some blame is entering into a fling with someone whose girlfriend still was in the picture. Someone who wants to cheat will say anything to get laid: "My gf and I are going to break up soon"; "My gf and I have a sexless relationship"; etc. Basically, it's shady news any time a girlfriend is admitted to be even peripherally in the picture. As soon as you hear a gf is not long gone, best to keep it platonic or outright stay away, otherwise you can end up in a mess.

 

I have totally learned from that. I need to be more investigating! I was in a weak and vulnerable place back then which is no excuse I know but my emotions absolutely got in the way. But yeah I’ve learned from the experience. I’m hoping it’s unlikely that things are gonna come back and haunt me. I don’t believe either him or her are gonna come back to me. I’m just focussing on becoming a better person and living a life to be proud off because I deserve to be happy. Well I hope i do.

[Zapbasket]

I have totally learned from that. I need to be more investigating! I was in a weak and vulnerable place back then which is no excuse I know but my emotions absolutely got in the way. But yeah I’ve learned from the experience. I’m hoping it’s unlikely that things are gonna come back and haunt me. I don’t believe either him or her are gonna come back to me. I’m just focussing on becoming a better person and living a life to be proud off because I deserve to be happy. Well I hope i do.

 

Everyone ends up doing things they regret, getting into liaisons they regret, when they're in a low and vulnerable place. It's part of the whole growth process. Of course you deserve to be happy; we all do. And it sounds like you've learned from this experience, which means you're less likely to make a similar mistake. So: all good.

[P.Bas]

I know we all make mistakes and I am really trying to move on from this one. I’ve learned my lesson but I am really struggling getting on with my life. Can anyone give me some advice on how to move forward?

[stillafool]

If it's bothering you that much maybe seek independent counseling. He was probably on break from his gf and didn't think they would get back together but did. The gf may have had a fling herself during that time, who knows. Anyway they are back together and I wouldn't worry about it. You have learned now to not get involved with a man who says he has a gf or wife. I think counseling will do you good on many levels.

[P.Bas]

If it's bothering you that much maybe seek independent counseling. He was probably on break from his gf and didn't think they would get back together but did. The gf may have had a fling herself during that time, who knows. Anyway they are back together and I wouldn't worry about it. You have learned now to not get involved with a man who says he has a gf or wife. I think counseling will do you good on many levels.

 

Unfortunately I can’t afford counselling. I do think it would help but I simply can’t afford it. I honestly just worry about her finding out and her going crazy at me. I don’t think I’d be able to cope with that. I can cope however with having a reasonable conversation with her should that ever happen.

 

I just wish I could move on and forget about it. I realise I made my mistake not fully being aware of the situation. He’s the one that massively messed up. Not me. I just worry about what he may tell her should he ever tell her.

[P.Bas]

Hey guys

 

So as I’ve said I can’t afford therapy.

 

Over the past year since the incident happened I have slowly been trying to turn my life around. I suffer from anxiety and depression and this past year has probably been the hardest of my life. I wanted to die at the start of the year and have had a few occasions since that I’ve wanted to cause myself some serious harm. I was horrible to my parents, lazy and unhelpful because I was so wrapped up in my own negative thoughts. However I now feel that I have a turned a corner. I got myself a new better paid job I’m more helpful around the house, I work out and I eat healthier now. I’m finally taking care of myself. The situation with this guy though makes me feel like I don’t deserve to be able to move on. I’ve 110% learned my lesson from the situation and I will not allow myself to be put in that position again. As I’ve said I’ve had no contact for over a year and I haven’t seen either of them in over a year. I know he still lives in the city though. We don’t run in same circles and to be honest I don’t think they know a lot of people in the city but it still makes me fear what could happen if she found out. I am stuck.

[Mardelis]

Since you suffer from anxiety and depression and cannot afford therapy you should stay away from anxiety and depression provoking situations which include but are not limited to entering into physical relationships with guys who have girlfriends.

[P.Bas]

Since you suffer from anxiety and depression and cannot afford therapy you should stay away from anxiety and depression provoking situations which include but are not limited to entering into physical relationships with guys who have girlfriends.

 

Did not know he was still with his girlfriend though.

[Mardelis]

Did not know he was still with his girlfriend though.

 

 

You posted "I knew he had a girlfriend when we got involved physically", and you then clarified when you entered into a relationship you thought it was over.

 

So if I am reading and understanding what you wrote, you were physically involved with the guy while he had a girlfriend and you knew he had a girlfriend, is that correct?

[stillafool]

Honey even if she finds out she isn't going to come looking for you. She will give him hell but you won't know anything about it. She may already know and have him on punishment. She isn't going to come looking for you. Even if she snoops through his things she will see that you haven't been in touch with him over a year and will assume you've moved on. Put your mind to rest.

[P.Bas]

He messaged me the other day asking how I was. I have ignored it. But it has put me again in a total state of panic. I just need to move on. I’ve got to realise that there’s nothing I can do if she finds out and well she might even know. I doubt it but whatever. My mind is just in over drive right now that she might get revenge on me. I really just wish I could move on and continue with the better more positive life I am currently trying to live. I have sorted out a lot of negative things in my life and now that I’m leading a happier life, I don’t feel like I deserve it.

Edited October 11, 2018 by P.Bas
Omission

[Alebo]

Hi, P.Bas

 

Reading your posts, I can't shake off the feeling, that there is samething else there, bothering you. Not just the fear of revenge and your gilt. Some counseling would be really necessary here. I hope you do well.

[P.Bas]

I don’t believe I have any other issues. I have worked through a lot recently and I am totally focussed on living the best life I can and be the best person I can. Just can’t shake this one off.

[ABernie]

Since you suffer from anxiety and depression and cannot afford therapy you should stay away from anxiety and depression provoking situations which include but are not limited to entering into physical relationships with guys who have girlfriends.

 

She has said she has made progress this year.

 

OP, the only thing I can suggest is to have something good to think about ready. When this pops in your head and you feel the guilt in your gut, think about something positive. Like the progress you've made. {{{{hug}}}} especially since I'm stuck as well.