Cutting the Cord?!

[Otter2569]

My oldest (19) is in college (lives on campus) 35 minutes away and does not drive. In fact he has no ambition to drive. I drove him while in high school and encouraged him to get his license (he didn't). IMO he is now an adult and needs to learn on his own.

 

He recently called me for a ride home from his part time job (Sat 7pm). Its the first time he has asked since getting the job in July. I want to tell him no: he could walk (1 mile+ in the dark), call an Uber or take the bus. School of hard knocks, figure it out, be a man etc...

 

But I didn't! He has developed some anxiety in the last few years. Although I feel he needs some tough love, kids today are different.

 

Would you / should you cut the cord? How do you teach kids to be self sufficient w/o being a dick?

[Art_Critic]

Would you / should you cut the cord? How do you teach kids to be self sufficient w/o being a dick?

 

Well yeah, maybe not on this issue but certainly on the next..

 

Have you explained that unless he works within a large Metro City he will never get a job without a proper way to work.

I would never hire someone who didn't drive and have to be driven to the interview..

 

Driving is something that all of us who don't live in the inner city have to do...

[Otter2569]

Have you explained that unless he works within a large Metro City he will never get a job without a proper way to work.

I would never hire someone who didn't drive and have to be driven to the interview.

 

Driving is something that all of us who don't live in the inner city have to do...

 

I have not. I figured getting back and forth to this job (which really just started this month) would be a dose of reality and then a talk such as this would have more meaning. Otherwise its just me talking to a wall.

[Happy Lemming]

Did he ever learn to ride a bicycle??

 

The reason I ask, how do you think he would feel about an e-bike (electric assist bicycle) or a scooter or even a small (250cc) motorcycle?? Maybe this may spark an interest in motorized transportation?? Maybe a gradual transition into motorized vehicles could be the way to go?? Get over his anxiety/fear in small incremental doses??

 

Just a thought...

Edited September 29, 2018 by Happy Lemming
spelling

[Otter2569]

Did he ever learn to ride a bicycle??

 

The reason I ask, how do you think he would feel about an e-bike (electric assist bicycle) or a scooter or even a small (250cc) motorcycle?? Maybe this may spark an interest in motorized transportation?? Maybe a gradual transition into motorized vehicles could be the way to go?? Get over his anxiety/fear in small incremental doses??

 

Just a thought...

 

I like the idea! With the diminishing daylight and eventual winter things are not going to get any easier.

[Happy Lemming]

I like the idea! With the diminishing daylight and eventual winter things are not going to get any easier.

 

If he takes to two wheels, try three.

 

Can-Am Spyder, Polaris Slingshot or Vanderhall Venice.

[mrs rubble]

I have a 19yo who doesn't drive either, he has a learner's licence but won't get his restricted so he can drive alone, like your son my son has a job that he needs to get too and from about 4km away. He rides his skateboard every day, all year round and he has some late finishes and early starts...his problem, I only give him a ride if the weather is extremely bad.

[Whodatdog]

So what happens if you get hit by a bus tomorrow and dies? What is your son supposed to do then? Its time for him to learn how to take care of himself, one way or the other. Uber, carpool with co workers, he needs to figure out something now, before something happens and he HAS to.

[Mr. Lucky]

He has developed some anxiety in the last few years.

 

Wouldn't it make sense to get to the bottom of this? It seems the fear of driving is somehow related and one needs to be faced to solve the other. Your understandable reluctance to chauffeur him only relates to the symptoms, doubt it will address the problem.

 

He probably has access to student health services through his college enrollment...

 

Mr. Lucky

[guest569]

Yep definitely address the underlying issue. That age is really tough, I remember feeling anxious about the big wide world (people talk about that as though you haven't already been in it for 19 years and it really isn't as big a deal as it seems). I had no issue getting a licence, was a good bonding experience as dad taught me. But yes, nerve wracking! First time driving was in a field. First time driving on road.. Then in town.. In cities.. Its a big deal for the beginner.

[Gaeta]

Is the anxiety about cars and driving?

 

 

 

When my daughter was a teen she had a car accident with her dad, she remained very nervous with simply being in a car. When she turned 20 she started her drivers license but quit and she finally was able to get a hold of her fears at age 27 and finally get her license & car. Not having a car wasn't a problem as she lived in a metropole but I live in the suburbs so for years I'd go pick her up at the closes metro station when she came to visit.

 

 

 

Be patient, you're his parent, if you don't support him through his fears who will? I don't think tough love applies here. I think you need to address what is the underlying problem and work on it together.

[guest569]

I agree. Tough love would apply if he was being lazy. Because there is fear involved I think support will help

[Otter2569]

Yep definitely address the underlying issue. That age is really tough, I remember feeling anxious about the big wide world (people talk about that as though you haven't already been in it for 19 years and it really isn't as big a deal as it seems). I had no issue getting a licence, was a good bonding experience as dad taught me. But yes, nerve wracking! First time driving was in a field. First time driving on road.. Then in town.. In cities.. Its a big deal for the beginner.

 

This summer he was supposed to get his license after completing the classroom requirements….he did not. He was with his mom most of the summer. When I saw him he was usually playing video games and sleeping late. My old man would have smashed the video game player and woken my ass up at 530am and given me chores to do.

 

On the way back to college he tells me that he and his roommates are drinking and smoking weed. I appreciate the honesty but I cant help but think this kid needs a reality check.

[preraph]

I have a friend whose son is same age as yours and he won't get a license and won't go to school and won't work. She works and runs her butt off and it really makes me mad he's doing nothing. Don't take him. Let him walk and then suggest he get a bike his first paycheck. Stop enabling him. You know you are. Stop giving him anything. Tell him he gets nothing until he learns to drive because it's a basic skill he will need.

 

Next thing will be he meets a girl and just has her coming over 24/7 because he can't drive.

[guest569]

This summer he was supposed to get his license after completing the classroom requirements….he did not. He was with his mom most of the summer. When I saw him he was usually playing video games and sleeping late. My old man would have smashed the video game player and woken my ass up at 530am and given me chores to do.

 

On the way back to college he tells me that he and his roommates are drinking and smoking weed. I appreciate the honesty but I cant help but think this kid needs a reality check.

 

In that case I agree. But what about the anxiety?

[JuneL]

Did you and your ex-wife offer or make plans to teach him drive? I thought parents start taking their kids to drive around in parking lots and around the neighborhoods when the kids reach 16-18. Then they signed the kids up for more driving lessons with formal instructors.

[BettyDraper]

I don't drive due to a medical condition.

My mother will boast to anyone that I get everywhere I need to go via public transit or taxis. It's nobody else's problem that I will never drive.

 

I think that your son needs to learn how to get around on his own.

[Happy Lemming]

To: "Otter2569"

 

So which problem do you want to work on first??

(1) Drug Use (possibly illegal, unless your son has a medical marijuana card)

(2) Underage Drinking (Drinking age is 21, he is 19)

(3) Possible Video Game addition

(4) Possible Laziness - sleeping in late, not continuing his Driver's Education classroom studies.

(5) Fear/anxiety of driving.

 

I am curious, how are his grades at college?? Does he share them with you?? Has he picked a major that could earn him a "living wage" in today's society??

[Blanco]

OP, I'm surprised you've been so understanding/lax with your son given how little patience you've displayed regarding your girlfriend's daughter and some of her behavior.

 

Don't you see the parallels?

[Otter2569]

I have a friend whose son is same age as yours and he won't get a license and won't go to school and won't work. She works and runs her butt off and it really makes me mad he's doing nothing. Don't take him. Let him walk and then suggest he get a bike his first paycheck. Stop enabling him. You know you are. Stop giving him anything. Tell him he gets nothing until he learns to drive because it's a basic skill he will need.

 

Next thing will be he meets a girl and just has her coming over 24/7 because he can't drive.

 

This is the first time he has asked me since getting the job in July and going back to college in Sept. The next time he calls we are having a talk. I did suggest riding a bike - hes got one in the garage.

[stillafool]

 

But I didn't! He has developed some anxiety in the last few years. Although I feel he needs some tough love, kids today are different.

 

 

What does this mean?

[Otter2569]

In that case I agree. But what about the anxiety?

 

 

I have not seen it but his mother has. She brought him to see therapist / counselor over the summer. She tried to find someone for him closer to school but did not have any luck.

 

I only see him now and then since he is away at school but I am watching and waiting to see how this semester goes.

[Otter2569]

So which problem do you want to work on first??

(1) Drug Use (possibly illegal, unless your son has a medical marijuana card)

(2) Underage Drinking (Drinking age is 21, he is 19)

(3) Possible Video Game addition

(4) Possible Laziness - sleeping in late, not continuing his Driver's Education classroom studies.

(5) Fear/anxiety of driving.

 

I am curious, how are his grades at college?? Does he share them with you?? Has he picked a major that could earn him a "living wage" in today's society??

 

Last semesters grades we not good and he knows it. We have talked about responsible drinking, drugs use / smoking weed, too much time on video games and the need to step up with school. He seems to get it. IMO this semester is the maker or breaker for me. Last semester was a learning experience and a free pass.

 

These are real life issues he needs to face and deal with. I try and remain open and supportive, giving him some space but letting him know I am here if he wants to talk.

[preraph]

You need to tell him he has to learn how to drive and start teaching him how to drive. Then he'll have to take a course online. Most people just enroll kids in driver's ed while they're in high school, but it cost extra most places and may not be through the school at all.

[losangelena]

I went to college many states away from my parents, so was forced to learn a degree of independence, however, my parents, especially my dad, coddled me well into my 20s, and that didn't really stop until he died when I was 25.

 

Looking back, the coddling definitely exacerbated my anxiety, which, left untreated, exploded into panic attacks and major health anxiety in my early 30s. I'm sure it's all the more difficult in a co-parenting situation, where it's harder to enforce similar rules, but cutting the cord is so crucial at this age, because always stepping in to help creates a feedback loop that will only increase anxiety, because every time you do it, it reinforces his helplessness, which will only make his reliance on you that much stronger.