I am married and having an affair - Long post

[Try]

I agree that the affair is a selfish decision, but otherwise do not agree that I am a selfish person, at least no more selfish than any other.

You are not just a cheat, but you are a liar. You saying that you are not "a selfish person, at least no more selfish than any other" is exactly what selfish people say as they rationalize their self serving actions. The truth is that your post shows little true empathy. It is mostly all about what is in your self interest period. Only what makes you happy matters to you. If you have to lie to both your spouse and to your lover to get what you want out of each of them, you are good with that, because what they want does not really matter to you. Just imagine how you would feel if you both decided to live in his country instead of yours. If you were the one that had red tape visa issues that made it difficult to find a job, and he was the one that took a secret lover behind your back.

 

Let me tell you what marriage is all about. My wife and I both had degrees from a major university and had similar earning potential. Shorty after we married, my wife was diagnosed with a major illness that took years to deal with, prevented her from working, and almost killed her. During that time, I had to work my rear off to support us and to pay the medical bills. I never once thought of not being there for her. I never once thought of cheating on her. I was not keeping a tab of who paid for what, because I was in this for the long haul, and her well being mattered to me. I know that she would have done the same for me. In fact when we first got married, she inherited a small amount of money from a distant relative, and (against her parents advice) immediately put it in our joint account telling them that this was what marriage was all about. We are a team, it is us against the world. Selfish people do not understand this.

 

I am not advising you to stay married. I am advising you to stop lying. The rest will sort itself out.

Edited October 1, 2018 by Try

[Just a Guy]

Hi Nikki, I guess the folks on here have told it to you as it is. With everything that you have posted till now two things stand out. The first is that you are a deeply flawed person and the second is that you have been having your cake and eating it too, rather blatantly. I am not sure what you expected by coming to a forum like this one but one thing is certain. If you were expecting sympathy then this was the wrong place and if you were looking for some magical solution to your self created dilemma then that too, was not going to happen. The fact is, that as some here have pointed out, you have some difficult choices ahead of you. One is to come clean with both your husband and your AP about the truth of your situation. The second is to divorce your husband and go NC with your AP till you have attended intensive IC to determine what is flawed within you and to work to rectify that. Unless and until you are able to work on your issues and overcome them, you are never going to be a safe partner for anyone.

 

You are still young and have a full life ahead of you. You have already damaged your relationship with your husband and hurt him even though he may not know it just now. Set him free and let him overcome his own flaws so that he too, can be a good and reliable partner to someone else. I think both of you will, in time, find partners who will complement you fully and be someone you can be happy with for the rest of your lives. There is no point in wasting any more time on a relationship which is dysfunctional and unsatisfactory. You are not the only one in the relationship who feels disenchanted. I think your husband is equally disenchanted but like you, is not giving voice to it. What you need right now is to muster the courage and cut the umbilical cord to your husband. Learn to be on your own without the need for someone to be holding your hand and reassuring you that they love you. You need to love yourself first and by that I mean love who you are not some selfish kind of love where you think only of what benefits you or works for you. Read the book 'Search inside yourself' as it will help you understand what you truly are at the center of your being. Best wishes.

[brigit87]

 

You are still young and have a full life ahead of you. You have already damaged your relationship with your husband and hurt him even though he may not know it just now. Set him free and let him overcome his own flaws so that he too, can be a good and reliable partner to someone else. .

 

Yep. OP you're young. TBH this marriage isn't worth saving. Divorce ASAP and get into counseling then you can better decide what you really need.

[Sonnyp]

From what you have said it sounds like you are repeating history with this new guy as when you married your husband. Didn't know him well enough but attached to him and then you have found a new attachment and have decided to concentrate on that without considering all the facts. You have to reset a few things.

 

The first is that divorce takes time so you will likely have to let the OM know that you need to divorce to be with him. That may in itself lose a challenge to your new relationship.

 

The second is to put yourself in your husband's shoes. If he felt this way about you what would you want of him? Would you like him to not tell you, be indecisive and choose to stay or be open and honest about his feelings to discuss together if you can or can't fix this.

 

You need to talk to your H and out some focus there. His behaviours and the challenges that bother you at the moment don't have to be forever. If you worked together on a plan to solve some of these things (like a path to get a job and start being more productive) would that potentially help how you feel about him? Would you maybe want to stay or would it make no difference?

 

If the OM didn't work out would you be ok having left your H and ending up alone? Is the OM driving your decision and want to get to a decision. Also remember that no decision is in itself a decision too.

 

My suggestion would be taking a break for 1-3 months from OM and seeing how you feel at the end of that time. To do it you will likely have to be honest with OM about what you are doing but it would also give him some time to digest your news and he can also decide how he feels also. If at the end of the time you can't stop then likely your answer is there.

 

Good luck, nobody means to get into a situation like this but if there wasn't an issue you never would have crossed the line with OM in the first place. This is going to force you to grow as a person regardless of how hard it is or what you choose

[Bittersweetie]

Nikki, what kind of person do you want to be? The kind of person who cheats, who lies, who disrespects others? Or the kind of person who lives with integrity and treats others with respect? Right now you face this choice. Think about it carefully.

 

Also, as a MW who had an affair, it is very, very easy to rewrite parts of the marriage and parts of the husband in order to justify one's actions. I did this extensively. My H was angry. We married too young. Etc etc. But the underlying issues were with ME and my selfishness. Not my marriage, and not my husband. Just a thought.

[jnel921]

Hi Nikki,

 

I had a girlfriend who did the same thing. She loved going to Spain each year and eventually met someone while she was there one summer and I believe she was attracted to the potential of being able to live there permanently.

 

They got married and long story short she hated living in Spain and moved herself and her H back to the states. He like your H found it difficult to find work and then there was the added language barrier. My friend is a teacher so it was easy for her to bounce back into her craft but for him it was more difficult as I don't believe he had a real successful trade even when he lived in Spain.

 

Eventually he went back to his country and they divorced. They weren't married long either. Do yourself and your H a favor and don't waste each other's time.

 

You already stepped out on him so you really don't care about him or your M or you would have found ways to fix it other than make it worse. Let him go.

[Jamess1]

Don't waste your time telling her to ask husband for a divorce before she moves on....Women "monkey branch" : she will only divorce you after she has already replaced you- it could be an affair, physical or emotional, a fling, or her losing weight and making sure she is ready for the next guy. That is why when a woman asks for a divorce, any effort a guy does it just a waste of time,she has already being ****ing the other guy, in fact she leaves when she feels like having sex with her husband is cheating on her AP..

 

She will leave him when she is emotionally ready and certain she will has a good replacement...for now poor husband will get sloppy seconds...in fact the amount of sex will decrease, maybe to once for 2 months...and when she leaves him, she will tell him every other reason under the sun, but not the affair..

 

Every woman under the sun, especially married women have a Plan B (research)

[Just a Guy]

Hi James, your'e giving advice about womens' behaviour to a woman? I doubt that jnel921 is going to be very appreciative of your wisdom! However, on a more serious note, what you say may have a lot of truth to it. I think Nikki is holding on to her husband till she can find a replacement for him and in the mean time she going to test drive different models. In the final analysis one cannot advise some one else what they should do with their lives. That decision has to come from within them. Where the decision to be taken is emotive, I think they will not hear any rational advice being given them but with let their emotions decide for them. Just a thought.

[somanymistakes]

James, you are simply and factually wrong. I suggest you seek therapy for whatever painful experiences have led you to have such skewed and sexist views.

 

Nikki - You cannot honestly make the argument that you "don't want to hurt him" when you are cheating on him. That is hurting him. You are hurting him, consistently, repeatedly. The only thing is that there's a delayed reaction so you aren't seeing the pain yet.

 

When you choose to hurt someone, but try to hide what you're doing, it's not about not wanting to hurt them, it's about YOU not wanting to face the consequences of your actions.

 

You do want to hurt him. You just don't want to have to look at him while you're doing it, because that might make you feel bad.

 

Well, tough. Feeling bad is a natural consequence. Come clean. Fairly acknowledge what you've done, and give him the chance to respond to the truth.

[Jamess1]

James, you are simply and factually wrong. I suggest you seek therapy for whatever painful experiences have led you to have such skewed and sexist views.

 

Backup plan article..

 

I don't need therapy, I am an expect on inter-gender dynamics (a womanizer too).In fact I started studying female behavior as a means of understanding how to seduce them, and it worked very well.

 

Women don't divorce a man to be single, even on articles written here, haven't you noticed a cheating wife writing 'I guess my affair partner was my 'out' from the marriage'. A woman might even have an affair to sabotage the marriage and to provoke the usually desperate husband to divorce her (women's choice of communication is the 'covert'/'indirect' form). For some reason women never want to the responsibility for such an action as divorcing her husband,she will covertly drive him to divorce her 'arguments,no sex, affair' but it needs to be his doing, or she needs to convince herself that it was his fault.

 

A divorce lawyer once told me in his years of practice, he has never met a divorced woman who DIDN'T blame her ex-husband for the divorce,including those who were caught naked with another man.

[elaine567]

Every woman under the sun, especially married women have a Plan B (research)

 

Backup plan article..

 

 

 

Your "evidence" from the Daily Mail, that well known scientific journal, shows 50% of women have a back up plan, so even if we believe the article it does not say "every woman" does it?

[understand50]

Seems Niki, has left the room......

[Just a Guy]

Wow, Jamess just wow. Talk about predators! I can live with people who stray into infidelity due to emotional turmoil and a series of bad choices but for someone to go about in a predetermined manner with the specific intention of seducing women, especially married women, thus precipitating a crisis in the family of the woman is a special kind of evil. I guess you've collected a number of flyer miles to Hell. Any way I must commend you on your honesty. Takes courage to reveal such an attitude on a forum like this one. I wonder why you are posting here? Have you reformed or is it your intention to offer advice to BHs' so that they can navigate the river of sorrow more efficiently? That was certainly a left, right, left hook to the head. I am still reeling from it.

[Haru-no-yuki]

I remember on my wedding day feeling confused and unsure.

 

More than anything, this is a major warning bell to me. I felt the same way in my first marriage and ended up having an affair (with my current and second wife) and leaving the ex wife. I also shilly shallied until finally I bit the bullet and got divorced. Best move ever.

 

On the bright side, I've been with my second wife almost 10 years now. We've had our problems but have a great relationship still, despite these. So no-one knows how it will work out for you.

[Jamess1]

Wow, Jamess just wow. Talk about predators!

What ! I am a heterosexual men who is attracted to has sex with heterosexual women, there is no predatory in this, the fact that you think it's predatory is worrying.

...especially married women, thus precipitating a crisis in the family of the woman is a special kind of evil.

Women are gate keepers to sex, married women are not victims of the men they have affairs with, a woman who has an affair is fully aware of the crisis she creates in her family, and she alone is responsible. In fact it is the crisis of being married to another woman she calls 'husband' that creates the crisis that drives her to cheat with me.

I guess you've collected a number of flyer miles to Hell.

I am going to heaven - sexuality is not a sin, sexuality existed way before marriage - in fact recent studies suggest that womens multiple orgasmic state originated from their mating with multiple men to increase chances of provisioning for the unborn child from multiple males .

 

The only sin is rape - forced sexuality.

Takes courage to reveal such an attitude on a forum like this one.

Doesn't take courage, it takes knowledge and understanding of the female nature - not what we have been conditioned to think it is, but what it really is...

[Nikki Sahagin]

Seems Niki, has left the room......

 

 

I'm back now.

 

 

I took a break from the thread as I found several of the comments unhelpful and more tirades from users with their own vendettas than help for my particular situation.

 

 

It's not that I am expecting sympathy, for this was a decision I made, however I do not need to read how all women monkey branch or that I am inherently selfish, when I have been tolerating my husband's drinking, lack of money and mother's disease for a long time now. I didn't find the comments helpful nor did I feel they resonated so I withdrew from the thread. If anything, I am too passive in my life right now to make decisions, rather than selfish. I don't feel I am getting much benefit from ANY situation I am in.

 

 

That said, some users have given me things to think about and I have found the questions and comments raised incredibly helpful. Unfortunately my appointment with a therapist fell through. She is not able to take any more clients, so I have to look for someone else. Will send a few emails.

 

 

An update is, I am still very dissatisfied with my husband. I have a high sex drive, but no sexual urge for him. He is either asleep, drinking or looking for work, and although I do deeply care for him, I don't really respect him any more. I don't know if it's the grinding circumstances that have caused this, or he's and mine own behaviour. I like him being there for his affection and support, but I don't really know if it's love anymore...

 

 

That said, to leave now I feel would be very tough in terms of everything else going on. I am about to lose my job and my husband has not much money of his own. So I can't just turf him out - he couldn't go anywhere.

 

 

That said I don't think I'd be happy if in 20 years I was still in this relationship, but to be honest I don't know if there is any better. Most of my friends seem dissatisfied with their relationships or lack of, whether male or female.

[Nikki Sahagin]

More than anything, this is a major warning bell to me. I felt the same way in my first marriage and ended up having an affair (with my current and second wife) and leaving the ex wife. I also shilly shallied until finally I bit the bullet and got divorced. Best move ever.

 

On the bright side, I've been with my second wife almost 10 years now. We've had our problems but have a great relationship still, despite these. So no-one knows how it will work out for you.

 

 

 

Thanks for your message.

 

 

I think some posters are missing that we didn't get married because we wanted to. We got married for a visa so we could be in the same country, as we were in love, and there are limited avenues when you are from different countries. You either find a workplace to sponsor you, get married or use an ancestry visa. Well, my husband doesn't really have sponsorable skills and no ancestry, so marriage it was. In my mind at the time it was giving the relationship a chance to see what it would be. The reality has turned out to not be what I expected. We don't have any fun.

 

 

I really appreciate your words. Thank you. I am glad you found happiness the second time around.

[DKT3]

Thanks for your message.

 

 

I think some posters are missing that we didn't get married because we wanted to. We got married for a visa so we could be in the same country, as we were in love, and there are limited avenues when you are from different countries. You either find a workplace to sponsor you, get married or use an ancestry visa. Well, my husband doesn't really have sponsorable skills and no ancestry, so marriage it was. In my mind at the time it was giving the relationship a chance to see what it would be. The reality has turned out to not be what I expected. We don't have any fun.

 

 

I really appreciate your words. Thank you. I am glad you found happiness the second time around.

 

What he didnt mention is he repeated the pattern in his second marriage. Just as you are repeating yours.

 

Let's get something clear, you are not a victim in any of this, the danger in victimizing yourself is it keeps you from accepting responsibility for your actions making it more likely that you will repeat, which of course you are doing.

 

I get that you are unhappy, that tends to happen when people marry people they dont know.

 

Claiming that your situation is untenable is really rationalizing your cheating and deferring responsibility for your actions. It's all mental gymnastics so that you dont have to admit to yourself that you are in fact a large portion of the problem.

 

How do you improve your situation? Is cheating doing this? Or has it just created more issues?

[understand50]

Nikki,

 

In the end it comes down to what you are going to do to change the situation. You are unhappy with your husband, as you can not change him, only the environment, what can you do to change so you get a better outcome. You are in control of yourself, so what are you doing? In my first post, I stated, you need to be honest with all concerned, and still advocate that.

 

You have more control, then you think. Maybe you should take charge, other then be a victim of circumstances.

 

I wish you luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think some posters are missing that we didn't get married because we wanted to. We got married for a visa so we could be in the same country, as we were in love, and there are limited avenues when you are from different countries.

 

Is there some kind of "visa" wedding ceremony where you don't commit to each other, promising fidelity and exclusivity? Come on Nikki, you married because you were in love, nothing unique about those circumstances. And certainly nothing there that validates being unfaithful.

 

Either be married - on don't. Either one of those properly executed options bring choices and clarity missing from your current situation. And it stops the current pretzel logic where you're trying to justify what you're doing - and failing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Haru-no-yuki]

What he didnt mention is he repeated the pattern in his second marriage. Just as you are repeating yours.

 

Haha no doubt. Breaking behavioural patterns is difficult.

 

However, the facts remain.

1. Divorcing the first time around was right.

2. Marrying my AP was great. We've had a solid relationship for ten years except last few months.

3. We got over a hump and our relationship is back to awesome.

 

I know many people on here don't want to believe 3, but sorry it's true.

 

OP there are lots of very judgemental people on here. Quite surprised actually.

 

Folks, humans make mistakes. Even those with high IQs and degrees from Ivy league schools

 

If we didn't make mistakes life would be very boring. Of course it's better if we can learn from them.

[DKT3]

Haha no doubt. Breaking behavioural patterns is difficult.

 

However, the facts remain.

1. Divorcing the first time around was right.

2. Marrying my AP was great. We've had a solid relationship for ten years except last few months.

3. We got over a hump and our relationship is back to awesome.

 

I know many people on here don't want to believe 3, but sorry it's true.

 

OP there are lots of very judgemental people on here. Quite surprised actually.

 

Folks, humans make mistakes. Even those with high IQs and degrees from Ivy league schools

 

If we didn't make mistakes life would be very boring. Of course it's better if we can learn from them.

A mistake is putting salt in your coffee Monday morning, putting salt in your coffee Tuesday thru Friday is a choice. Yes, we all make mistakes, the key is not turning mistakes into choices.

 

Bro, you said the wife knows and is very angry, so how can your marriage possibly be stronger than ever? Delusional thinking is very dangerous in these situations. Sets you up for shocking disappointment.

[Haru-no-yuki]

Bro, you said the wife knows and is very angry, so how can your marriage possibly be stronger than ever? Delusional thinking is very dangerous in these situations. Sets you up for shocking disappointment.

 

Well I'd like to tell you how I know but it's probably not suitable for this forum. I'd ask her how she feels about me but she's just fallen asleep...

 

Did I write "is angry" or "was angry". Honestly I don't remember. We've had quite a few laughs about the whole situation even just recently so don't think she's particularly angry.

 

Truth is only time will tell who's right or wrong.

 

Anyway whatever happens, fact remains that we've had ten good years and the OP might also if she divorces. Maybe even with her AP, who knows...

[misspalmy]

what if that other guy tells your hubby he will be hurt more. best to come clean take it from me. Im the OW. I told his wife the 1st time as i was over the lies.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Haru, I guess your views are just too radical to be posting on this forum. Considering the fact that this is a haven for betrayed spouses mostly and occasionally for wayward spouses who are also looking for help to successfully exit from a toxic situation, your views probably add salt to the sounds of a lot of folks on here. You would be much better served by joining an alternative lifestyle forum, specifically a polyamory one where you can freely and profitably exchange views with like minded people. Here you will be in constant conflict with folks who would be loath to accept your viewpoint. Just a thought.