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Friend asking about STBX


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The first time she asked if she could date my STBX, I laughed it off.

 

The 2nd time, I laughed it off, but was annoyed.

 

The 3rd time, I told her to stop.

 

The 4th time, I ignored and didn't engage.

 

The 5th time, another friend overheard and told her that was completely inappropriate.

 

 

I mean if it happens organically, I have no say, but am I wrong to be annoyed by her asking if she can date STBX? I don't want him, but I'm not planning on setting him up!

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Does she want you to set him up or just your "permission"?

As you are not sitting at home pining and crying your eyes out for him and the divorce was your idea, then why is it inappropriate for her to date him?

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I agree with Elaine if you no longer want him and she does good riddance to him. Why is this a problem for you if you no longer want him? Besides aren't you already in an affair?

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I agree with the other posters. You gave up on your marriage and your marriage vows. You should be happy if someone desires your husband. Believe me; he will find someone that will make him a happy man. You are already in a deep affair and planning your future with him.

 

Dreamer

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I get the whole "girl code" thing that your friend is feeling - mad props to her. Your husband is now fair game. No one needs permission.

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I get all your points. Yes, I'm not innocent. I do want STBX to move on and be happy, but I guess I don't want to be the one to set it up.

 

I guess I'd rather he not be in my circle of friends. Besides the kids, I'd rather he not be part of my life.

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I get all your points. Yes, I'm not innocent. I do want STBX to move on and be happy, but I guess I don't want to be the one to set it up.

 

I guess I'd rather he not be in my circle of friends. Besides the kids, I'd rather he not be part of my life.

 

I'm guessing your husband would have preferred you didn't do the things you are doing. This thread comes off as entitled. I'm guessing your friend is not wanting her being interested to be an issue so she it alerting you. I dont think she needs your permission or approval. If they do get involved it's not a part of your life, it would be their life, that's the entitlement part.

 

My question is, do you really want him to move on? Or would at least a small part of you like to see him be in disarray because of this split?

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Tell her she's free to do as she wishes, but that you would prefer not to hear about him or socialize together with him. Your ex probably feels the same.

 

My guess is they already have made a connection and she's just trying to figure out how to tell you. Wish them well and keep whatever distance from it you want/need.

 

Your ex being happy is a great thing for your children.

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I guess I'd rather he not be in my circle of friends. Besides the kids, I'd rather he not be part of my life.

 

Would this have anything to do with the fact that you are are divorcing your STXH without telling him about your affair? I would imagine if he starts dating your friend your divorce may not go so smoothly once he finds out about AP.

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SouthernIslander

I may be the odd person out here..but I have had friends who have messed with married men and I still wouldn’t date thier boyfriends/husbands. Thier choices really has nothing to do with mine and dating thier ex is a poor reflection on me.

 

I wouldn’t be friends with her anymore.

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Yes, thank you everyone for pointing out my flaws. Now I understand why new members don't stay.

 

Fwiw, I would love for STBX to find someone. I wished it my entire affair. STBX deceived me for 12 years of marriage. I am eligible for an annulment. I tried to get over it for 3 years before I began A. I'm not innocent, I should have started the process before A, I'm sorry that asking for divorce 1 week after A started and 3 years of trying to get over STBX's betrayal makes me a horrible person in your eyes.

 

I'll leave this forum without another thought.

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Tell her she's free to do as she wishes, but that you would prefer not to hear about him or socialize together with him. Your ex probably feels the same.

 

My guess is they already have made a connection and she's just trying to figure out how to tell you. Wish them well and keep whatever distance from it you want/need.

 

Your ex being happy is a great thing for your children.

 

There is no connection.

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I get all your points. Yes, I'm not innocent. I do want STBX to move on and be happy, but I guess I don't want to be the one to set it up.

 

I guess I'd rather he not be in my circle of friends. Besides the kids, I'd rather he not be part of my life.

 

If your friend gets with your ex husband I doubt they will want to hang around you. So I wouldn't worry about that.

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Yes, thank you everyone for pointing out my flaws. Now I understand why new members don't stay.

 

Fwiw, I would love for STBX to find someone. I wished it my entire affair. STBX deceived me for 12 years of marriage. I am eligible for an annulment. I tried to get over it for 3 years before I began A. I'm not innocent, I should have started the process before A, I'm sorry that asking for divorce 1 week after A started and 3 years of trying to get over STBX's betrayal makes me a horrible person in your eyes.

 

I'll leave this forum without another thought.

 

At least you filed for divorce once you got into the affair, most people don't do that. I really think if they got together it would be uncomfortable for them to be around you so more than likely they won't do that.

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Uh, no. I disagree with those who think this is okay and appropriate. if this is a friend who you are going to be socializing with and seeing out from time to time, if she's dating her ex, this sticks her with having to be around her ex. if she doesn't want to see her ex, this is very unpleasant. Plus it's going to cause drama because usually one of the exes is still wanting the other you don't want a friend in the middle of that. Because no one will lose a friend.

 

And the other thing is, do we even know if she's the one that's going to initiate or if he's already said he wants to go out with her and he's doing it just to invade the space of his stbx and get info and make her uncomfortable.

 

The friend asked so you tell her no it would be very awkward. Tell her I don't want him in my proximity which would mean not seeing you and I don't want him pumping someone else that's a friend of mine for information so no.

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I see what you're saying preraph but there are a lot of desperate women out there wanting a man. Especially if they viewed him as a good man and is now free they don't care about their friends. When my first mother in law was dying from cancer at age 47 I took care of her when I got off work until my MIL's bf got off work to take over care until the nurse arrived in the mornings. My MIL's best friend continually sent me home saying I'm newly married and need to be home with my husband. 6 months after my MIL was buried we received a wedding invite from the friend who was now marrying my MIL's bf. The same thing happened when my MOM was dying. All of her friends were circling my Dad before she even died. It was disgusting.

 

In other words some women will give up their social group if they think they can get a good man.

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SouthernIslander
I see what you're saying preraph but there are a lot of desperate women out there wanting a man. Especially if they viewed him as a good man and is now free they don't care about their friends. When my first mother in law was dying from cancer at age 47 I took care of her when I got off work until my MIL's bf got off work to take over care until the nurse arrived in the mornings. My MIL's best friend continually sent me home saying I'm newly married and need to be home with my husband. 6 months after my MIL was buried we received a wedding invite from the friend who was now marrying my MIL's bf. The same thing happened when my MOM was dying. All of her friends were circling my Dad before she even died. It was disgusting.

 

In other words some women will give up their social group if they think they can get a good man.

 

 

I agree, there are a lot of desperate women out there but that notion and OP’s affair doesn’t excuse the friend’s thirsty behavior. To add, I seriously doubt this friend became interested in her husband overnight or she wouldnÂ’t feel that way had OP not had an affair.

 

Nagging a friend about dating her stbx is extremely inappropriate and wrong. I don’t see where the affair has anything to do with this as it has no impact on her friend or her behavior.

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SouthernIslander
Uh, no. I disagree with those who think this is okay and appropriate. if this is a friend who you are going to be socializing with and seeing out from time to time, if she's dating her ex, this sticks her with having to be around her ex. if she doesn't want to see her ex, this is very unpleasant. Plus it's going to cause drama because usually one of the exes is still wanting the other you don't want a friend in the middle of that. Because no one will lose a friend.

 

And the other thing is, do we even know if she's the one that's going to initiate or if he's already said he wants to go out with her and he's doing it just to invade the space of his stbx and get info and make her uncomfortable.

 

The friend asked so you tell her no it would be very awkward. Tell her I don't want him in my proximity which would mean not seeing you and I don't want him pumping someone else that's a friend of mine for information so no.

 

I agree with this. It’s just tacky and all around awkward. Her friend should respect that and back off.

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SouthernIslander
Tell her she's free to do as she wishes, but that you would prefer not to hear about him or socialize together with him. Your ex probably feels the same.

 

My guess is they already have made a connection and she's just trying to figure out how to tell you. Wish them well and keep whatever distance from it you want/need.

 

Your ex being happy is a great thing for your children.

 

You think the kids seeing Dad date mon’s friend right after the parents seperate would be a good thing for them?

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Plus, depending on if you confided in the friend who wants to date him, how insulting that they didn't take seriously a word you said or trust your judgment about him. There is NO up side to it.

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I agree, there are a lot of desperate women out there but that notion and OP’s affair doesn’t excuse the friend’s thirsty behavior. To add, I seriously doubt this friend became interested in her husband overnight or she wouldnÂ’t feel that way had OP not had an affair.

 

.

 

You are correct but the friend has probably been eyeing him for quite sometime. She couldn't even wait until the divorce was final.

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