Rough marriage, He’s planning on leaving but he thinks I don’t know

[Mrs_who]

I’m not sure where to start without making this one long ramble. The long and short of it is, my husband is going to look at a room to rent today and thinks I don’t know. I’m not sure if I should confront him with this or just continue playing dumb? Last night he was all over me, as usual, telling me how much he loves me, blah blah blah.

 

He was originally going to look at this place yesterday afternoon. Told me his friend needed help moving a couch around 1. I said “oh great, I’ll go with you since I need a few things from town” (we live in the country). He went so far as to have his friend call him around 12 and say he got his brother to help **eye roll**

 

Today is also my husbands birthday. We have plans to go out for dinner after he goes to “work” (and looks at this place) and then come back and have cake with the kids. He told the gentleman that he’s hoping to rent from that he would pay rent from oct 1 but likely wouldn’t move in for a week or so.

 

So... I’m torn. Do I continue to try to play “dumb” and act “normal” when he’s trying to have sex with me and tell me how much he loves me and just call my lawyer on Monday? Do I leave his bday gift on his car while he’s looking at this place (I HATE the fact that he feels he’s pulling the wool over my eyes).

 

Obviously there’s much much more to this, but I’m really not sure what to do over the next few hours and how I respond will kind of pave the path for the times to come...

[FMW]

Of course you should confront him!

 

You can't make any rational decision without having more information.

 

ETA: Maybe you left out a LOT of information......

[BaileyB]

Yes, you need to talk with him.

 

If my partner is planning to rent a room and move out of the marital home, he is most definitely not getting a birthday cake, gift, or sex from me.

 

Are you prepared for a possible divorce? It’s time this week to get your financial house in order, visit a lawyer, etc... I’m sorry.

[Mrs_who]

I know he told someone that he was just going to move out one day when the kids and I are out and about and be gone before we get home...

 

I also know he told the gentleman yesterday that he couldn’t make it as planned because he had to go see his sick grandma in the hospital, after I said I would go along and get some things from town...

 

My husband is a liar and a narcissistic. This much I do know. I’m not sure what info I would get from him if I ask him about it, other than him telling me I’m “starting problems for nothing” and “don’t know what I’m taking about”, as usual.

 

We have 5 kids at home (mine from a previous relationship) and he has 2 that we have all weekend, so I tried really hard to just play “normal” all weekend.

 

I’ve been to a counsellor and he has just asked me what I’m doing, that I know what I’m getting with this man. That I live a certain lifestyle and it’s up to me what I’m willing to put up with to keep it. My husband is AMAZING at playing the victim and gaslighting me. I always end up feeling it’s my fault, and sometimes I don’t even know what “it” is, if that makes sense.

 

We won’t really cross paths until our pre planned dinner tonight, unless I make it so... do I confront him at dinner? Just let it slide until tomorrow? I really really don’t know how to let this one play out.

[elaine567]

I think you should play dumb until. you see the lawyer on Monday.

By knowing what he is up to, you have an advantage here. Make sure he cannot clean out your bank accounts and keep a close eye. Your lawyer will be able to tell you your rights.

The element of surprise may be important for you here, do not spoil it by letting him know you are aware of his plans too soon

[Mrs_who]

Yes, you need to talk with him.

 

If my partner is planning to rent a room and move out of the marital home, he is most definitely not getting a birthday cake, gift, or sex from me.

 

Are you prepared for a possible divorce? It’s time this week to get your financial house in order, visit a lawyer, etc... I’m sorry.

 

I know. This weekend was one of the hardest I had to endure, because of all the kids being around. Sex, bday cake (which my son and I are still making and he’s super excited about making the chocolate topping for), gift, etc, were all in an attempt to play “normal”, as this will end up being anWW3 blowout, and the kids don’t need to be a part of.

 

I actually already have a lawyer. I’ve paid for the consult and she told me I can call on her whenever I’m ready to file. There are no financial ducks to get in a row. I work but he makes 5x what I do. I’ve been just trying to pay down some debt. My mom will have to supplement my income, thank God I have her. I don’t want the house. I can’t afford to live here. But I *will* stay here as long as possible and try to keep every penny possible. Once mortgage payments start bouncing, if he doesn’t pay, I’ll claim bankruptcy. I need to keep myself and my children fed and I don’t see any other option. It would be different with 1 or 2 kids and being able to rent a 2 bedroom place, but that’s not a possibility for my family at this time

[Mrs_who]

I think you should play dumb until. you see the lawyer on Monday.

By knowing what he is up to, you have an advantage here. Make sure he cannot clean out your bank accounts and keep a close eye. Your lawyer will be able to tell you your rights.

The element of surprise may be important for you here, do not spoil it by letting him know you are aware of his plans too soon

 

I’m almost thinking this is the best way to let this happen as well. But I feel physically sick just looking at him and am having a hard time keeping up the charade. I wish my mom lived closer so that the kids and I could just go for a “visit”. But... work for me and school for the kids tomorrow and she lives 2 hrs away

[FMW]

I wouldn't pretend or let it slide one second longer. Obviously make sure the kids aren't around, but talk to him ASAP.

 

It sounds like divorce might be the only way can you save your sanity at this point. Bring it up directly with him though. He may lie and gas light you further but make sure you are comfortable that you've done all you can before ending it.

 

Definitely make sure your own financial ducks are in a row so that if he does just skip out you aren't left in a bad position. If he's planning on just moving out without telling you he may be stashing marital funds. Talk to an attorney ASAP to make sure you know where you stand.

 

But again, don't pretend anymore. I don't see how in this situation confronting your husband before you get to an attorney will hurt.

[BaileyB]

Your clarification makes me wonder why you would ever want to stay married to this man.

 

If you have already seen the lawyer, I would suggest that you file on Monday. The writing is on the wall, your marriage is clearly done. I personally would enjoy the fact that I filed before he could go through with his plan.

 

Good luck.

[FMW]

Go withdraw half of your bank accounts today if that makes you feel better. And definitely try to see an attorney on Monday.

 

But again, I wouldn't pretend anymore.

[Mrs_who]

Your clarification makes me wonder why you would ever want to stay married to this man.

 

If you have already seen the lawyer, I would suggest that you file on Monday. The writing is on the wall, your marriage is clearly done. I personally would enjoy the fact that I filed before he could go through with his plan.

 

Good luck.

 

I wish I had the answer to that as well. I guess I feel foolish and don’t want to admit defeat and another huge mistake made. I entered this marriage with rose coloured glasses and truly hoped it wasn’t what it appeared to be. This is my 2nd marriage, his first. I’ve known him since high school, at which time he wanted me bad and I had no interest. I guess I couldn’t accept the fact that someone who’d “wanted” me for so long, wasn’t actually the good guy. It was supposed to be the fairy tale, you know?

 

I wonder if I’m not appreciative enough and if I expect too much. He works a lot, and his income reflects that. He runs 3 medical related clinics, as well as a horse business on the side. He is very rarely home and when he is, he does very little. It appears that he feels he pays for most things (all things, if you ask him) even though I put my whole paycheque in our joint account, therefore he doesn’t have to do anything around the home. He used to do yard work etc (as I said, we live on an acreage). Now he just hires someone to come one or two days a week to do that. On Mondays and Tuesday’s he gets home from work between 7 and 8. On Wednesday he is off work at 4 but tends to his horse business until 9 or 10 at night. On Thursday he is usually home by 6, but one of my children has an activity in town from 6-830 that night. On Friday he works until 3 or so and then back to riding his horses until 9 or 10. Saturday he is usually home and quite miserable. And sundays he rides in the morning, works in the afternoon, and then comes home around dinner time... has a drink, jumps in the hottub, watches tv or plays on his phone. I work Monday-Friday 830-430. We both commute. I try to go to the gym a few times a week but I know that by doing that, children aren’t getting fed and the house isn’t getting cleaned. I can honestly count on one hand how many times he’s loaded the dishwasher in the last 6 months ( there’s so many of us in the home that it’s usually loaded twice a day). I don’t think he’s ever cleaned a bathroom or mopped a floor or wiped down the kitchen. He sure likes to point out that we all “sit on our ass and make a mess” though. I can get him to bbq sometimes though in the summer. I have told him I’m not superwoman. I have no problem doing it all but not while I’m trying to juggle a full time job as well as get the kids everywhere they need to be. And that if I’m going to do it all on my own, I may as well just be on my own.

 

We were doing some major renos to our home this summer. I took a week off work and worked from sun up to sun down. He had his helper here helping me. He STILL went riding the 3 times that week. And the renos still aren’t complete. Ugh.

 

His horse business is more of a hobby. He shows reining horses and devotes 18+hrs a week to it. He has one of my boys showing as well, so he takes him all those times. I feel very frustrated that I can’t commit 4-6 hrs a week to going to the gym for myself (which I love) because by doing so, everything else in the home gets sacrificed. If I went back into town for a 7pm workout on Monday, after making dinner, I would come home and the dinner mess would still be there while he’s playing on his phone or in the hottub... as an example.

[BaileyB]

What do you value in a partner?

 

He can clearly provide for you well. But, it’s that old saying - those who marry for money, earn every penny...

 

You thought he was a good guy. Now, you are seeing him for who he is - a workaholic man who puts his own needs first and is not present in your marriage... if you want someone who will work with you (on the renos), spend time with you, be a kind and caring husband and father... it doesn’t sound like this is your guy.

 

You need to decide what is most important for you? What do you want for your future? Although... it sounds like he has checked out already...

[DKT3]

So this guy works two job, often from morning to 10 PM and you want him to clean the dishes so you can go to the gym?

[elaine567]

He is a very very busy man working all hours, and brings home the bacon 5 fold for YOUR kids so what is all this nonsense about him not doing the housework...

Get paid help in if it is too much.

If you are nagging him about housework no wonder he is checking out...

[FMW]

To be fair to OP, she works full time and takes care of all the children's activities, plus does all the housework. So they are both very busy.

 

If the children are old enough get them involved with chores. It will ease your work plus they need to learn responsibilities.

 

But I really don't think this is just about him not helping with housework nor about her nagging him that he doesn't.

[elaine567]

But I really don't think this is just about him not helping with housework nor about her nagging him that he doesn't.

 

 

I don't see any other "complaints" put forward by the OP here.

[Mrs_who]

Prior to buying our home together, I seriously had it all. I owned a new house, my kids were fed and clothed and doing well and I had very little debt. I have a tenant in my home now, so I could move back in, but it’s in another city an hour away, and I would have to find a different job and move my kids AGAIN. I’ve tried selling the house but the market isn’t moving so I’m stuck with it for now.

 

I’m feeling a little hopeless right now.

 

Sorry that this went on a tangent from my original question. I have access to a counsellor and see that I’ll need to call him again this coming week but it’s the in between time that I don’t know what to do.

[FMW]

I don't see any other "complaints" put forward by the OP here.

 

She states he's planing on secretly moving out while acting like everything is peachy. That's what I meant by "this" in the housework or nagging about it NOT being what "this" is about.

[FMW]

Sorry OP, I missed where you said you already had an attorney. If you already know where you stand with regard to a possible divorce then most definitely I think you should talk to your husband immediately, end the pretending.

[Mrs_who]

I was waiting for that one. I don’t know how to explain it much better than I already have tried. His horse business does not bring in any money, so the 18+ hrs a week he’s riding, I don’t consider work. I consider it a hobby, a past time, something he enjoys doing (such as the gym for me). He promised me the world when we talked about buying this home. He promised he’d be home more often because he wouldn’t have to drive an hour to work and back each day. The reality is, he bought a 3rd clinic without discussing it with me 6 month after we took possession of the house. He could never be home on Wednesday’s (at that time i struggled with Wednesday as I had 3 children in different activities on that day, in different places). But he suddenly had a 30k horse to ride and now there is no problem taking Wednesday off at 4pm to ride.

 

I don’t think that expecting a grown man to help out with a little bit of housework is too much to ask. There’s many days that I get home at the same time as him, or later, due to activities etc but things still need to get done? I guess I could throw in the towel and not do anything either? But I don’t live like a slob so it’s not really an option, just something I fantasize about at times.

 

Would it be acceptable for me to pick up a 15/20 hr a week hobby and not let things get taken care of that need to be done? I’m genuinely curious.

[Mrs_who]

I don't see any other "complaints" put forward by the OP here.

 

It’s true. Definitely not about housework or lack thereof. It’s about respect, communication, expectations... I feel like a fool for keeping rose coloured glasses on. For accepting his lies when I KNEW they were bold faced lies. I had just hoped with the counselling we had done, it was really done and over. We see the same counsellor, both together and apart. Sometimes I wonder if when the counsellor says “be careful with him” and “he doesn’t give a **** about you, you just serve a purpose to him”, it’s more of an “insider knowledge warning” than a general statement and playing devils advocate.

[elaine567]

 

I don’t think that expecting a grown man to help out with a little bit of housework is too much to ask.

 

Some men are happy to help out and get stuck in to chores but an ambitious man like this who has a "serious" hobby, were he employs hired in help to do the dirty work is not going to be doing laundry and vacuuming is he?

He doesn't see that as his job, similarly these are not his kids, he finances them, he doesn't need to pick up after them too...he pays people to work for him.

You chose the wrong man if you wanted his help in the house. BUT I guess he would have paid for domestic help had you not taken all that on yourself.

[DKT3]

It’s true. Definitely not about housework or lack thereof. It’s about respect, communication, expectations... I feel like a fool for keeping rose coloured glasses on. For accepting his lies when I KNEW they were bold faced lies. I had just hoped with the counselling we had done, it was really done and over. We see the same counsellor, both together and apart. Sometimes I wonder if when the counsellor says “be careful with him” and “he doesn’t give a **** about you, you just serve a purpose to him”, it’s more of an “insider knowledge warning” than a general statement and playing devils advocate.

 

From the limited information given, my perspective is you are also coming off as selfish. You keep talking about your expectations of him and how he isnt meeting them, but are your expectations for him to carry you and YOUR children? It doesn't seem to me that you want a partner but you have these idealistic views of a perfect man who's sole purpose is to make your life easy so you can do as you please. If we are being honest, it's not his responsibility to care for your children, they have you and a father already. It's great if he goes above and beyond as far as your children go but I dont think you can expect it.

 

I believe the issue is a lack of respect, but from both of you. I get the feeling that you do nag this guy a great deal. I feel you married him for the wrong reasons and that is the real problem here, thus your nagging and blaming him and his desire to be rid of you.

[Mr. Lucky]

There are no financial ducks to get in a row. I work but he makes 5x what I do. I’ve been just trying to pay down some debt. My mom will have to supplement my income, thank God I have her. I don’t want the house. I can’t afford to live here. But I *will* stay here as long as possible and try to keep every penny possible. Once mortgage payments start bouncing, if he doesn’t pay, I’ll claim bankruptcy. I need to keep myself and my children fed and I don’t see any other option. It would be different with 1 or 2 kids and being able to rent a 2 bedroom place, but that’s not a possibility for my family at this time

 

OP, let's assume that working full-time you make a decent salary. So between the two of you, you make 6X a normal income for your area.

 

Why is housework or yardwork a battleground in your marriage? You even seem to question his hiring someone to maintain the grounds a couple of times a week. You certainly seem to have the assets to address any of these issues.

 

Feels like something is missing here. Lot's of people would be envious of your situation and the choices it presents.

 

Loading the dishwasher? Really?

 

Mr. Lucky

[MidwestUSA]

You have five kids (yours) at home full time, while he has two who are only there on the weekends. Did I read that correctly?

 

What were his promises as far as your kids - to love and cherish them as his own? To participate in their activities and upbringing? Or just to be the breadwinner (which sounds easier, tbh).

 

He probably feels outnumbered. On most days, you and your kids produce six times the dirty laundry and dishes, as well as use a greater percentage of food and other consumables.

 

What were his initial feelings entering into the marriage? Did you picture a happy Brady Bunch while he's looking at mine vs hers? Do you see what I'm getting at? It could be why he's planning an escape route.

 

Or is there conflict directly between the two of you (beyond the housework). Do you function as a normal, happily married couple?