What motivates people to cheat?

[JodieW]

I was just floating around the net wondering aimlessly looking for answers to unanswerable questions and found this site. So let me hit you with it.

 

I kicked my husband out two years ago after I found he was having an affair with my best friend. It was a real kick in the guts. They were without doubt my two best friends and it was a massive shock.

 

I’m not sure whether the truth is a healer or not but I certainly was not prepared when they decided to come clean after being caught. Even now just over two years later I struggle with what happened. And look honestly it wasn’t the sex but the lies and betrayal from both that really sent me to a dark place. If it wasn’t a longing to do right by my kids I wouldn’t be here. I sat awake at night too many times with a bottle of pills in my hand debating.

 

Once they were caught I found out that it had been going on for over three years! It made me sick. She was my best friend since we were kids. How could she? But it wasn’t just that it happened but the way it happened. The time they got caught was at a playcentre for our kids during school holidays. He had time off to care for ours and her for hers. My sister by pure luck happened to be there and caught them in the toilets mid act. Why wasn’t he supervising my kids? Why wasn’t she supervising hers? I trusted them together. I actually felt comfortable that they would go out together so that our kids could play and they both could watch them. And they did it in toilets!! Just gross!! At least they could have done it away from the kids in a hotel or something. I mean who are these people I thought I knew?

 

And then once they all made their admissions and two marriages are over because of it they are disgusted with each other and never want to see each other again. So what was it all for? Clearly there was no love there, it was just sex. I’m pretty open minded when it comes to stuff like that. If it was just sex go to a prostitute, who knows we might even still be together. But no it was my best friend. Destroy my marriage and friendship just for sex.

 

And it still gets worse from there if that’s even possible. They both want back in my life. He wants a second chance and has pledged his devotion to me. She thinks we can still be friends as she was going through a tough time and it was just a mistake. Are they kidding themselves? Three years!!! Not one drunken night. Three years you both looked me in the eye so many times and told me how much I meant to you while behind my back was the ultimate betrayal.

 

I don’t think I’ll ever get over this. It still hurts. It’s still a shock. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I had a boyfriend for a few months and we just recently split and it was all my fault. I just couldn’t trust him. I was the typical insecure untrusting girlfriend. We were awesome when we were together but as soon as we were apart I freaked out. Where is he? Who is he with? He understood why and was good about it but he didn’t want to live like that. I can’t blame him. I guess I just wasn’t ready yet. Don’t know if I ever will be.

 

I guess the question I have is what motivates these people? I was a pretty openminded wife. I would have even considered another person if it was just about sex. Well maybe not, but I wouldn’t have been shocked and run a mile if the idea was raised. I would have hoped we could have at least been that open with each other. And her, well she is gorgeous, she could pick any guy. Again if it was just sex why choose my guy? I just don’t get their motivations. Even if there was a sexual attraction surely our marriage, our friendship, means more? If they stayed together because they were in love it would make more sense but I think they’re more repulsed by each other than I am of them.

 

Sorry for the long rant. I’m 33 and down under in Australia if that makes a difference. I know closure isn’t everything and in any case I’ve had much closure with all their admissions, but for some reason I really want to get inside their heads to know why they did this.

 

 

Thanks for taking the time to read it all if you got this far. Sorry it's so long.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

To address the title question....

Personal gain or benefit

 

Since all of us have lied, think about that last time you lied. Why did you do it? Essentially, the risk associated with the deception was worth the personal benefit or gain.

 

The same methodology can be applied to relationships.

[Logo]

There could be a thousand reasons. Even if you ask your husband or friend why, they may not necessarily tell you the truth.

 

The reasons don’t really matter, to be honest.

 

I’m sorry you had to go through this experience.

 

You deserve to live a happy, peaceful and fruitful life. Please see a therapist. I think it would be of great help. And I can totally relate to your feeling of lacking trust after an experience like this.

 

That’s why it’s important that you work with a therapist through it all.

[Chilli]

l'm sorry you've gone through all this . The betrayal by two such people is about the worst, l know. !!!

 

Just skimmed so if l missed it but it could be any of 20 reasons no matter what they say but to my mind simply attraction and connection would be the biggy.

Often to the spouse has let themselves go or slipped into slack or taking for granted mode, never home, a pain in the ass, no fun or can;t talk not to say any of that was you just sayin but God only knows could be 100 reasons,

Or maybe no reasons, maybe temptation just came along and that simply just got too much.

 

lf you really wanna know though you know the real thing at home and about yourself and your H and all that so l suppose pushing him for answers and then weighing what he says up as against what you know , and her stuff too , is probably all you have to work with.

[salparadise]

It's biology. Primates are not inherently monogamous. The urge to merge is a fundamental drive for both genders, although females tend to be slightly more discriminate. Monogamy is a social construct that recently became popular, although not universal by any means. Many cultures promote monogamy as default behavior and a morality issue, but the biological urge remains strong. Sexual attraction/selection and the emotional mechanisms that facilitate it are not well understood. It's probable that pheromones combined with visual and behavioral cues revealing strong urges, plus ample opportunity is how it all came together. It almost certainly was not a rational, intentional process. The instinctual drives overrode the societal expectation, and once it began... well, you can't unring a bell. They probably had some dissonance over the morality aspect, but biology was stronger. Once the line was crossed it couldn't be undone, so they tried to keep it a secret.

 

I know the betrayal feels awful. If you can find a way to not take it too personally it might help, although I know it feels personal in the moment.

[Logo]

It's biology. Primates are not inherently monogamous. The urge to merge is a fundamental drive for both genders, although females tend to be slightly more discriminate. Monogamy is a social construct that recently became popular, although not universal by any means. Many cultures promote monogamy as default behavior and a morality issue, but the biological urge remains strong. Sexual attraction/selection and the emotional mechanisms that facilitate it are not well understood. It's probable that pheromones combined with visual and behavioral cues revealing strong urges, plus ample opportunity is how it all came together. It almost certainly was not a rational, intentional process. The instinctual drives overrode the societal expectation, and once it began... well, you can't unring a bell. They probably had some dissonance over the morality aspect, but biology was stronger. Once the line was crossed it couldn't be undone, so they tried to keep it a secret.

 

I know the betrayal feels awful. If you can find a way to not take it too personally it might help, although I know it feels personal in the moment.

 

 

 

 

While we are descendants of primates, what differentiates us from them is that we, humans, have the capacity to control our urges. We don't act on instinct; we have the capacity to think.

 

 

In my view, cheating is a sign of character weakness and a lack of self-control.

 

 

 

I see monogamy and the sanctity (Not in a religious sense) of the family unit as a natural progression of our species, much like we progressed and evolved over centuries. There was the agricultural revolution, the industrial revolution, the digital revolution...etc.

 

 

 

Primates live in the wild. They have their own set of rules. Are some of our pets descendants of those wild animals? Yes. But they're domesticated.

 

 

 

Look at humans as domesticated primates.

 

 

In short, although on the face of it it seems like a compelling argument, I don't buy the polygamy argument.

 

 

 

Polygamy spells chaos on so many levels, much like the chaos we see in the wild.

[Veronica73]

Selfishness for the most part.

[preraph]

God, those two are disgusting! Neglecting the kids and doing it in the restroom. Doesn't get much lower than that unless they were also getting high at the time.

 

I can't even imagine getting over anything like that. I never got over my oldest friend of 17 years taking the first opportunity to sleep with the guy I was in love with when we were trying to sort things out. I hadn't known him but a few months, but her...that was malicious. I kicked her butt out of my life forever and I do not regret it. Before I kicked her out, after staying away from our apt for 6 weeks to cool down, I talked to her and in her case, which I did not realize, she envied me and wanted to be me. I had noticed her sneaking around borrowing my meager clothes and stuff, but didn't make a lot of it. So she wanted what I had.

 

Why did he do it? He wanted to see what a lot of different women's boobs looked like, best I could tell. I think that's about it for why guys do it.

 

Huge betrayal to you. Them doing that when you have children and a commitment was L-O-W. I had to take a hard look at the people I was choosing to have in my life after my little event, and I think you have to too now. It's not your fault, but you've got to dig and see if people you let in have any ethics and start looking for warning signs and boot them out early on if they don't. If they cheated on someone else or if you got them when they were cheating on someone else, they'll do it to you. If your friend will sneak around and stab her other friends in the back, she'll do it to you too.

 

You don't need that trash any further in your life that he has to be because you share children. And the best role model you can be for your kids is to be the woman who wouldn't keep a man who was a cheating lying betrayer. If you took him back, you'd be telling both your kids that what he did was normal and acceptable. No. You want them both to know it's not right and it's not acceptable and that there's consequences for acting like a selfish pig.

[salparadise]

While we are descendants of primates, what differentiates us from them is that we, humans, have the capacity to control our urges. We don't act on instinct; we have the capacity to think.

 

In my view, cheating is a sign of character weakness and a lack of self-control.

 

I see monogamy and the sanctity (Not in a religious sense) of the family unit as a natural progression of our species, much like we progressed and evolved over centuries. There was the agricultural revolution, the industrial revolution, the digital revolution...etc.

 

Primates live in the wild. They have their own set of rules. Are some of our pets descendants of those wild animals? Yes. But they're domesticated.

 

Look at humans as domesticated primates.

 

In short, although on the face of it it seems like a compelling argument, I don't buy the polygamy argument.

 

Polygamy spells chaos on so many levels, much like the chaos we see in the wild.

 

 

Don't get me wrong––I'm not saying anyone should get a pass because they can't their urges. He promised to be faithful and was not. Breach of contract and personal betrayal. Same goes for the girlfriend except that she didn't take the oath and sign a contract; for her it was implied via our societal rules (you don't sport-phuk your best friend's husband).

 

OP's original question was why––what was the motivation for them to do something so egregious? My response was essentially that their moral convictions were't strong enough to inhibit the biological urges.

 

You don't find the biological argument to your taste; it's not how you'd prefer to view our relationship to our ancestors and other species... but that is more wishful thinking than observation. We are a fundamentally non-monogamous, intelligent species trying to restrain our mating behaviors to one individual at a time via a new system of social order.

 

That system is not universal by any means, and even where it is considered to be the norm, about twenty to twenty five percent are either unable or unwilling to comply. This means that up to fifty percent of marriages are affected by infidelity.

 

In other words, it happens.

 

I've dated a lot of divorced women over the past several years, most of whom are the betrayed spouse of a cheating husband. One observation that I've made is that the ones who view it as a natural occurrence that they had no control over are so much more content than those who focus on personal betrayal and morality aspects. They all see it as a character failing, more or less, but some accept it easily and some seem like they'll be angry forever.

[Happy Lemming]

If your question is "What motivates people to cheat?"

 

If I'm in a relationship with someone and she "cuts me off" for some arbitrary reason or to "teach me a lesson", then I'm going to seek sex elsewhere.

 

I'm not saying that is why your husband cheated, but that is why I cheated.

 

I dated this one woman for a while and "no" was not in her vocabulary. She told me that she knew I wouldn't stray and go out for a bologna sandwich if I was getting filet mignon at home. She always made sure I was happy and satisfied, even if we were fighting or she was upset. She never used sex as a weapon or withheld it, and I never cheated on her!!

 

Did you drain your husband's crankcase on a daily basis??

Edited October 2, 2018 by Happy Lemming
Spacing

[SunnyWeather]

I just want to chime in and say how sorry I am that you are going through this. Do you have support, other friends? It must be rough, but life is forcing you on a new path. I truly believe something better awaits

 

oh, and to your question. some people cannot control their urges, perhaps, in their minds, something seemingly wasn't being met, at least that could be how they justified their behavior. Being in constant close proximity doesn't help either. I'm sorry to say this, but I learned quite young after experiencing a 'best' friend cheat on my man that three is a crowd.

 

(((hugs)))

[BluesPower]

You will never really understand... I think.

 

There are probably a lot of reasons and like some have said, they may not even know why.

 

But you were right to get out and I urge you to stay out. You could probably find some of the reasons, and even then it may not make sense.

 

I could write a page of reasons, some would be true and some may not be.

 

You know there are hot guys that is you had gotten bored in the marriage, that you could have been tempted. Or not.

 

But for you, you have to start to get yourself together. Learn to trust again.

 

And when you find the right man, be watchful and intuitive.

 

My GF has had some real hurts in her life from cheating. And frankly, she knows a little of my past. She worries even as much as I try to allay her fears.

 

But you have to get there at some point. There is a point that a man will look you in the eye and tell you ... you are the only one that I have eyes for, and you will know you can believe him.

 

I ignore other woman that hit on me, I don't need them, I have her.

 

Some of this you will just have to let go and move forward over time.

 

It is best to get on with your life, not that it is easy, it just has to be done...

Edited October 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JodieW]

Urges!!!!!

 

So many here say and it's the same excuses I heard from them and others I have spoken to.

 

I have urges. I've had guys trying to pick me up. Some of them were hot too. But I didn't act on those urges, my commitment to my relationship was paramount.

 

It's not even about the urges or even about sex. You know I probably wouldn't do it if it came to the crunch but I'm open to the idea of swinging or open relationships. That's just sex and sex is meant to be fun, I have only one experience but I assume sharing it openly with other people can only enhance the pleasure.

 

This is all about trust. I commit to him and him to me. I had a type of sister bond with her. Besides my kids there was only ever two people I would jump in front of a bus to save and it was both of them. Obviously that bond I thought I shared with both of them was not reciprocated if a simple urge lead to sex and then to a full blown affair.

 

And to answer a question someone posed, I never withheld sex, ever! If anything I wanted it more than him. And I am free and open so we did explore quite a few things. So it's not like he went with her because I wouldn't do A, B or C and he wanted to try it.

 

I just feel like he never really loved me. He might have even thought he did himself but it can't have been real. If it was then when the opportunity arose for them to be together he would have thought of me and said no, God knows I've done that a few times. But as some have said he was just selfish and thought only of himself.

 

It's been 2 years since I found out and each time I think about it I'm just as angry as the day I found out. I deserved better. I gave both of them everything of me. I really thought them did the same to me. I've tried to move on, believe me I have, but I had the perfect life, the loving husband, the perfect best friend, wonderful kids, now I'm just a single Mum with a couple of kids. Society views you differently like that. It was them who put me in this situation and all for nothing as they hate each other now. How do you sleep together for 3 years and then just start hating each other once caught?

 

So where do I go now? If it's just "urges" well then everyone has them. How do I know the next partner I have wont act on their urges? Without understanding why they did it I can't put it behind me and if I'm just going to say it's nothing more than an urge then there's nowhere left to go because I can trust no-one. So what, do I just lead a solitary boring loveless life with the odd one nighter to get some release?

 

Woohoo, can't wait. What a choice I have. A single Mum that sleeps around or get in a relationship where I'm just going to be able to trust my partner. Life is just depressing.

[ElKay]

If we explain everything by basing ourselves on our "primate genes", then will people here explain that it's normal to be violent towards a biological competitor? For example, a guy that starts beating up anyone that tries to flirt with any girl in the bar that he likes to frequent regularly. Oh no, we must rationalize it by saying we're animals so it's understandable, right?

How dare society dictate that we shouldn't fight off the mating competitors.

 

 

Back on the topic, people cheat sometimes just because they can. Heck, it could even be because they weren't raised well as children and were used to getting whatever they want. People can be awful. Some try to get away with money laundering or stealing if given the opportunity. Same for cheating. Some just don't have values and prefer living based on what their favorite person wants... That person being themselves!

 

Sorry you had to go through that!