Is This GIGS? My Gut Is Telling Me She Will Come Back But I’m Trying To Give Up Hope

[an0nym0us123]

I wouldnt beat yourself up too much. You already got to the break up stage through what seems like no fault of your own.

However i do think there is a fine line between acting indifferent and begging as it were after a break up. Not that you should beg. But atleast making your feelings clear on the situation. Simply walking off may convey that you dont care that you are being dumped? Thats just me though.

 

I was bombarded with contradictory statements and still am such as "i hope we get back together but i cant promise that" "i want a future but i need to think about it" "i want you but cant be with you" like wtf is a guy meant to think of that? Safe to say my brain was minced for months

[ExpatInItaly]

I have found on LS, other forums, and ancecdotally from friends, that while the dumper thinks they have processed the breakup, they are never 100% certain. Furthermore, they can’t fully predict what they will feel after the relief period subsides/ after the honeymoon ends with ‘rebound’ or new relationship if you are opposed to calling it that. According to an article from Psycology today, a bad experience or experiences with new relationships after can still cause dumpers to realize what they had whether it is a rebound or not. There are different schools of thought on this topic I guess.

 

Many older girls I know did the same things my ex did, sowed their oats so to speak, and 6 months- a year later came crawling back as they realized they entered unfufilling relationships after they had the real deal.

 

I can tell you that's not true, speaking from my own experience as dumper. I have no doubt that some dumpers are unsure, but it's certainly not always the case.

 

At 37, I have not once gone back to a guy I broke up with. That includes a serious relationship I ended at 23, in which my ex was convinced I would come back after experiencing single life. I did not. I cannot speak for all dumpers, obviously, but it's important to understand that another side of the coin exists. There are plenty of us out there who end a relationship permanently and move on.

 

Searching for confirmation bias won't help you move forward, OP, hard as it is to avoid the temptation to do so.

[lana-banana]

That’s probably true, separating what was and what is is very hard to do. I probably wouldnt be so hung up if she was honest and told me how she was feeling instead of just giving me a list of cliches. When we broke up I just told her to get out of my car when I got to her house even though she wanted to talk more and we didn’t even say goodbye. Dumb move on my part probably but she wasn’t giving me any real answers and kept insisting she still loved me and wanted me in her life and that she was just confused.

 

This is a hard lesson to learn but at least you're learning it early: no one is fully honest when they break up with you. It's not that they mean to lie or don't care about your feelings---on the contrary; it's because they care that makes it so hard.

 

One reason they can't be wholly truthful is because if they present it that way, it turns into a problem the other person wants to solve. If shebsaid "I think we should break up because our schedules don't mesh and you bore me in bed", then you would have tried to fix it somehow, never mind that she'd already decided the solution is to end the relationship.

 

No one is ever going to say "I'm tired of us and I want to move on" or "you're a great person but I think I just met the love of my life at a concert". They don't want you to feel bad, so they put as much blame on themselves as possible and insist they're a terrible, awful, confused, emotionally unavailable monster, so you don't feel like it's your fault. Because it isn't.

 

The only words that matter during a breakup are "I don't want to be with you anymore." Everything else is a mix of well-meaning platitudes and hopeless garbage, and you can lose your mind trying to parse what it means. It doesn't mean anything. They just want to move on.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself and stop thinking about her coming back. It'll be on you to break someone else's heart someday and you will realize this is all more complicated and bewildering than you thought. Spend some time for yourself this weekend.

[Ice Tray]

I can tell you that's not true, speaking from my own experience as dumper. I have no doubt that some dumpers are unsure, but it's certainly not always the case.

 

At 37, I have not once gone back to a guy I broke up with. That includes a serious relationship I ended at 23.

 

Searching for confirmation bias won't help you move forward, OP, hard as it is to avoid the temptation to do so.

 

Why did you end things with that guy? Was it under similar circumstances as my ex?

[MichaelD]

I can understand being left in the dark, mine did that in the first days and even put the blame on me to justify her actions, felt terrible, even though i didnt do nothing to upset her and she even enjoyed having power over me in that moment, like a spoiled brat, after trying to use me as emotional tampon, i understood at least what happened. When i put pieces together, it was like:

 

She got butterflies for another dude and was broken between me and him, as she started drinking prior that as she told me and also after brake up sent me videos with love doesnt exists etc, didnt understood why she felt that, i cant believe i was more mature than her, as i felt them also, and felt guilty, but also despite the spark and attraction for her ( she was an american girl looking like model) i saw that we were totally opposites and we didnt argued but teasing and mostly because she liked me back also, after honeymoon most likely would have broken up.

 

I can now see things clearly too with her virginity, as probably she wanted to tie me down till marriage indirectly in her mind, not only because of her dream to be like that. I say this because she kept me over controlled, but also she is super insecure, she told me if we met on the street and not like we did, i wouldnt even glance at her, because she is ugly, super short bla bla. Now i know this is a red flag. Now other guys give her the looks and she is proud of it, lil she knows that its for her body.

 

Said im also perfect like i am, but she wants something else ( meaning a bad boy like i was before and to be treated like hell) and yeah im having fun being with other women, but also blackpilled about them, especially since degeneracy and feminism hitting our part of the world also.

 

Last night i was super drunk and cried thinking of her, but back to reality i still hate her for hurting me. But i wont be thinking about it, its better and if she comes back whatever, like in most cases i wouldnt take her back, just think if you get butterflies for a woman? Now, wont you be tempted thinking your ex did it too?

 

Hell, i dont think i will miss the opportunity, given the fact that why i have to give more of me again for her, whe she rejected it in the first place?. I have a female friend from US who did "gigs" thing too and tried to talk with my ex, but futile. She got back with her bf and married, but after freaking 15 years, which she still regrets, even if she had fun, because she didnt had that fun together with him in all those years. Stay strong my brother and love yourself.

Edited October 6, 2018 by MichaelD

[elaine567]

I have not once gone back to a guy I broke up with.

Either have I.

I may have cared for them, I may have been pretty upset, but I never wanted them back. I was happy being friends, finding out how they were doing, but getting back together was never an option for me. It takes a lot for a person to break up a relationship especially a longer one, it is not done on a whim.

People do not break up with people they want to be with.

Dumpees often think the split is felt 50% by both, each one grieving the loss equally, but it doesn't work like that, the dumpee is usually in hell, the dumper is moving on, the dumper may be relieved or even ecstatic at getting out of the relationship... no matter what they tell the dumpee...

 

The only words that matter during a breakup are "I don't want to be with you anymore." Everything else is a mix of well-meaning platitudes and hopeless garbage, and you can lose your mind trying to parse what it means. It doesn't mean anything. They just want to move on.

^^^^ The truth.

 

Dating is not about finding one person and sticking with them for life, dating is about sussing out compatibility.

She did not feel you were compatible, she saw no future, you have to listen to her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why did you end things with that guy? Was it under similar circumstances as my ex?

 

We were young. We met at 18 and stayed together through university. We lived together for a couple of years. He would've been happy to marry and settle down, but as time passed, I realized I didn't share that vision. I had grown and changed and just didn't have the same feelings for him, especially considering our ages and the fact that I knew I was in no place to commit forever. He hadn't done anything wrong, so to speak, but I came to see him more as a good friend more than anything else. There was no other guy in the picture, but I was definitely curious about dating others in general.

 

Breaking up with him was hard, as we were so familiar to each other and intertwined in each other's lives after 5 years. He didn't want to end it and I felt terrible hurting him. But I knew it wasn't fair to continue when I knew I wasn't invested anymore and didn't see a future together.

[Ice Tray]

Thank you to everybody who replied, especially ExPatInItaly. I’ve been lurking on LS for a few months now, and I’d just like to say that writing my story out, putting it out there, and hearing the opinions of much older, (and presumably) wiser people has really helped me to process my breakup and come to terms with it. After this discussion, I have really truly detached from the silly outcome of her coming back.

 

Last night I went to a few parties and met a few interesting girls and got their numbers. I also have a date tonight. I think for the first time since the breakup, I will try to move on and not bounce from hookup to hookup. So, I guess not caring if she comes back or not is a success story in its own way right?

 

For all you lurkers on LS, write your story out, post it. The more seasoned people on here will smack some sense into you like they did for me if you need it. I know I sure did.

[Marc878]

Upfront it's the end of the world. Time brings clarity and you find out it isn't.

 

You'll be fine. Probably a lot smarter and wiser.