Possible divorce, one in, one out.

[aluc4rd]

I can't believe I am even here writing this but here it goes...

 

My husband and I have had a very difficult relationship and marriage. I cheated on him when we first started dating. We "worked through it" (more like buried it) and he agreed to forgive me and continue on with the relationship. I obviously cut contact with that person and was committed to the relationship from there on out. I got pregnant 2 months later. He did not want me to keep the baby, I did. This caused a whole new set of issues. He said he couldn't guarantee he would stay if I kept her. I accepted that and did it anyway. We ended up getting married 3 months into the pregnancy. We have our issues, clearly. I don't believe he ever forgave me for cheating as he constantly holds it over my head. When I bring up a problem, he inevitably ends up shutting down and saying my problem with him is dumb and I should get over it because I cheated and he was able to move on with it. I am the type of person who needs to figure everything out and talk about it so this drives me CRAZY! He is an alcoholic and I believe he has a severe porn addiction. These things were not present in the beginning of our relationship. I have a tendency to be controlling and un-trusting which only got worse when his addictions got worse. Now that our daughter is 2, he is a great father and has been since day 1. He truly cares for her and loves her.

 

I believe we both love each other but have no idea how to get through the severe communication and trust issues we have. We are stuck in a pattern of focusing on the negative parts of each other and it is to the point now where we don't have the same realities. For example, he thinks even the smallest genuine question or request is done with negative intent. We tend to bring out the worst in each other. I truly love and care about him and I do NOT want this to be our dynamic. I have tried to do the work to undo this but I cannot do it alone.

 

He frequently blames all our problems on me. SOMETIMES he will say he know she isn't blameless but does nothing (that I can see) to fix himself. I have asked him hundreds of times to go to therapy for himself. I already see a therapist for my issues.

 

One night I drank too much and exploded on him. I let out every issue I have, apparently. This is the first time this has ever happened. I do not like drinking and I do not like not being in control of my actions. He left with a backpack and went to his parents house. This is not the first time this has happened as far a him threatening divorce and leaving but he always comes back within a day or so. I apologized profusely and haven't touched alcohol since then. This was 2 weeks ago, he is still at his parents with all his clothes and has no intention on coming back. I proposed we take a 2 week break to let the dust settle and see if this is the right decision as there is a lot at stake. He agreed.

 

I planned on remaining calm and not pressuring him during this time. Well, he is now spending any free moment he has with a woman he has been friends with the last couple years. This sent me into a rage of anger, sadness, frustration etc. I have convinced myself he is sleeping with/dating this person. I am not exaggerating when I say every day has been spent with her the last week. They have been out til 4 AM at least twice. He promises up and down there is nothing going on, but I have been acting so crazy over it I am pushing him even further. I sent him a pretty mean text message when I found out he was planning on spending the night with her. It basically said he has severe issues and I wished he took this 2 weeks to actually let himself feel the possible effects of divorce instead of distracting himself with this girl and alcohol.

 

I asked him to please try therapy even if it's to figure out how to have an amicable divorce. He actually agreed to this BUT made sure to tell me he is 100% certain he wants a divorce.

 

I know in my heart that if we can work through our terrible communication issues and bad habits we can reconnect and establish an amazing relationship. I know that is also best for our daughter. She loves us both dearly and we have always remained civil in front of her. We have extremely strong feelings for each other.

 

He is telling me he does not see any chance of reconciliation and I am 100% committed to reconciliation. I guess there is nothing to lose, but I am posting here to get advice, a reality check, hope. Is there a chance? Help!

Edited October 1, 2018 by aluc4rd

[Mr. Lucky]

I know in my heart that if we can work through our terrible communication issues and bad habits we can reconnect and establish an amazing relationship.

 

With all due respect - why?

 

Setting aside the fact you've both done almost everything you could to undermine the relationship since day one, he has no interest in working on the marriage. And you certainly are right to be concerned as he seems to be fully involved - physically and otherwise - with this new relationship.

 

Perhaps the only Hail Mary available to you would be to shock him into reality by letting him know you've seen a lawyer. He may then understand what's at risk and come back to the table.

 

Welcome to LoveShack, sorry this has happened to you. Always tough with small children involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GinON]

Hi, sounds like a difficult situation and your both going to have a long journey to get to a better place.

 

If he is an alcoholic like you say, I would read Codependent No More and look to see if there is an Al-Anon organization near you.

 

He sounds like a terrible person to raise a daughter with. I have 2 kids and would run like hell from an alcoholic spouse because kids emulate their parents.

 

You sound codependent from your post but I am not a counselor by any stretch. You have one, make sure they know everything and realize that you can find someone that is not holding a permanent grudge against you.

 

I am wondering how he really feels about that kid, the way he treats you. I also wonder if you are living in a fantasy world now because this sounds like fantasy:

I know in my heart that if we can work through our terrible communication issues and bad habits we can reconnect and establish an amazing relationship.

 

I would stop communicating with him, especially if you don't want to push him away and start watching Craig Kenneth videos on Youtube. Especially the ones with Margaret. There are 600 videos or so but you will start to see yourself in them and eventually start to see that this is not a healthy relationship.

 

You can't control him, you can only help yourself and daughter, focus on what you can do. Detach from his craziness and make your life the best it can be.